Review

Seoul Song || reviewed by MickeyC7914

Title: 2/5
Not a very interesting or eye-catching title.Don't be afraid to spice it up a bit! Also, at first I thought the story would somehow connect with the song, so the title can be a bit misleading (but seeing as how the song itself was made up of little scenarios about SuJu and SNSD I can see a connection!)
 

Appearance: 3/5
Poster -Cute poster :3 Though I would have choosen a happier picture of Super Junior, it looks a little too dark for the mood of the stories. A group shot of all of the members smiling would have worked nicely~

Story Appearance - Good font choice! and I would just make it a little bigger, since the font is small and can be hard to read at times. My biggest complaint though, is the pictures throughout the text. I would rather see pictures at the beginning or the end of the story, not in between breaks or paragraphs. It breaks the story up and can be very distracting to the reader. 

Foreword + Description : 4/10

Description - The description was much more well written than the foreward! The little blurb about Seoul at the beginning is fine grammatically, so good job there! The little chart that maps out everyone's grade level is also very helpful to readers, who may need a visual element to get all of the characters straightened out.

Foreword - I really liked how you teased at all of the individual stories! Since your story as a whole is made up of many short stories, it can get a bit confusing on who is with who, or which couple has which plot, so this is a great way to ease any confusion!

The wording, though, needs some work.

You're sentenes lack puncutation, like commas or semi-colons to break up sentenes. Your sentences seem to go on forever, or end up very choppy without punctuation. For example:

Original Sentence: "Donghae will confess to Yoona so he invited Yoona for dinner & told her it's because he's grateful to her & just want to treat her."

This is all one sentence that could have been written in two or three sentences. Even if you had added some commas or semi-colons, it would have read better:

New Sentence: "Donghae will confess to Yoona(,) so he invited Yonna for dinner(,) and told her it's because he's grateful to her and just want to treat her.

Commas pause the sentence, letting the reader take a breath before continuing. 
 

Here's another example:

Original Sentence: "Siwon transfered earlier than Tiffany to America because his parents decided to bring him with them while Tiffany transferred because of her Mother's wish to let her study there."

This sentence is so long without punctuation! Adding a few commas gives it flow.

New Sentence: "Siwon transfered earlier (,) than Tiffany to America because his parents decided to bring him with them(,) while Tiffany transferred because of her Mother's wish to let her study there."


Now on to the wording of this same sentence. You have the tendency to be repetative in your sentences, like stating names over and over again. This causes sentences to be jumbled and unnecessarily long. That, along with your lack of punctuation, make your sentences hard to read. 

Also, you don't use a very broad vocabulary, making your language very unsophisticated and basic. By spicing up your sentences with more advanced vocab (just not too much!), it will add detail and flow to your paragraphs. 



Looking back at the two previous sentences:

Original Sentence: "Donghae will confess to Yoona so he invited Yoona for dinner & told her it's because he's grateful to her & just want to treat her."

Can be easily changed to:

New Sentence: "Donghae plans on confessing his love to Yoona(,) so he asks her to dinner(,) giving an ambiguous reason for the out of the blue invite."

and:

Original Sentence: "Siwon transfered earlier than Tiffany to America because his parents decided to bring him with them while Tiffany transferred because of her Mother's wish to let her study there."

Can be changed to:

New Sentence: "Siwon transfered earlier than Tiffany, as his parents thought it best to bring him along. Tiffany, on the other hand, transferred due to her Mother's wishes."

Try going back and see what you can omit from your sentneces. Take out any unnecessary words or phrases and trade them for more concise thoughts!
 

Characterization: 4/10 
I'll go through each of the major characters individually.
So many characters to go through XD I won't go through all of them though, that would take forever!

The thing I noticed through the story was that there wasn't really a difference between SNSD? Many of their personalities were similar: cute and shy, a little coy. There wasn't anything dynamic about them. I would have liked it better if there was more distinction between the girls' personalities (Taeyeon nagging like a mother hen, Sooyoung cracking jokes, etc.) Using a similar personality for all of the girls gets boring after a while. Try to add more depth!

SuJu's personalities were a little better, but overall lacked depth. Again, try to add more defining personality traits among the members! 

Grammar, Spelling,etc : 10/20 

Remember what I stated about the wording in the foreward! Spice up your sentences with some higher level vocab, use punctuation to vary your sentences and omit any unnecessary or excess words or phrases! Many of your sentences can be rewritten to be more powerful and detailed, giving the storeis an extra Umph!

Here are some spelling and grammar errors I found:

"By the way, Yoona, we bump into Donghae... (Chp. 1)" --> "By the way Yoona, we bumped into Donghae."

"Why you decided to accept this job? (Chp. 1)" --> "Why did you decided to accept this job?"

"And everyone got shocked because the lazy Donghae...(Chp. 1)" --> "...everyone was shocked that the lazy Donghae..."

"I and Siwon Oppa...(Chp. 2)" --> "Siwon Oppa and I..."

"If ever he'll do something to me...(Chp. 3) --> "If he ever does something to me..."

"Sooyoung and Ryewook was a couple...(Chp. 4)" --> "Sooyoung and Ryewook were a couple..."

Originality: 12/15 

I like the idea of writing seperate one shots for the different pairings, but keeping them all in the same AU. I don't really have a reason for liking it, I just find it cool and clever. It would have been more clever if you were to weave the stories through each other, like during Donghae's tutoring session he talked with Sungmin, who was planning his anniversary date with Sunny. Something like that!

Enjoyment : 6/10

The stories were cute and fluffy, but I was distracted by the breaks mentioned above. I'm sure if you went back and proofread your work, the mark would be higher!

Plot: 5/10
The stories themselves are cliché. There really wasn't one plot line that stood out to me. Basing the plots off of songs was a good idea, but the stories came out very bland. Not saying that the plots weren't good! It's just overall the love stories have been seen many times over here and in dramas. Seeing similar plots again and again can be boring and tedious. Try to add something different to yours to make it stand out!


Flow: 4/10
Maybe it's a personal pet peeve, but I dislike how the POV changes frequently throughout the stories. I think it's in the best intrest of the author to keep the same POV through the story, as it makes things easier to understand for the readers. If you keep the POV first person for Donghae, you can hint at Yoona's feelings or thoughts through her actions or words; it leaves a bit of mystery to the reader about her true feelings, and can make the story more suspensful or interesting. 

Also, I feel like your flow is ruined from the pictures and the frequent POV change.

Additional Point(s) : 2/5

Bonamana was my first SuJu song and oMG now I want to listen to it.

Additional comments:

Work on your sentence variation! It will help you in the long shot, trust me!

Good Luck!

Overall percentage: 52/100

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(A/N:  I totally agree with the comments of the reviewer. For me maybe English is not my 1st language or only my 2nd language so I sometimes find it hard to express what I wanted to express on the story. I also still didn't expect that I'll receive this score because I was expecting a lower score than the score given to me and I was really happy because I got a score half of 100 points :) This is my 2nd story so getting a score of 52 out of 100 points means my story is not that bad rather than how I think it is :)