Chapter 15: Thunder

"Your voice was the soundtrack of my summer. Do you know you're unlike any other?
You'll always be my thunder.
So bring on the rain. Oh baby bring on the pain,
And listen to the thunder."

One day after school, YeonAe told TaeHyung that she wanted to go home alone, since he’d been walking home with her these past few days. She no longer really minded his presence though, just that on that particular day, she thought of being unaccompanied.

TaeHyung blinked in confusion at first, but in the end complied with her wishes. He knew that there was no point in arguing over the matter because YeonAe would insist to do what she wanted anyway. Besides, she probably wanted to take a walk and considering that she’d been doing well of late, he was a little certain that no harm would be done.

He simply nodded and said that he’d inform her mother on her stead, so that she won’t be worried in case YeonAe was home a little bit late. TaeHyung had to resist the urge of asking where she was going, because he doubted that YeonAe would like that. The last thing he wanted was to have YeonAe thought that he was controlling her or anything of the sort.

Only that it would probably be safer knowing where she was headed, lest something went wrong. But even so, he let her be on her way, and reminded her to tell her mother if she happened to wander of somewhere a little bit further from their neighborhood.

They parted ways at the school gate, TaeHyung headed to his friend’s house while YeonAe’s destination was yet to be known. She walked aimlessly along the sidewalk, her hands pocketed in her sweater, as she took in the sight of everything that came into view.

Despite not knowing yet where she was actually going, for once, she in fact enjoyed her privacy and solitary. She used to be scared of being alone, because it would lead her to over-thinking, but recently she seemed to have control over it and tried to occupy her mind with something more useful.

She taught herself that and as the days went by, it became easier for her to control her emotions and whatever it was that ran in her mind. She kept on walking on the pavements, crossing a couple of roads before leisurely walked again.

Despite not knowing where to go, she knew where she was. This might have been a waste of time, since she could’ve either gone home and did something useful but she strongly felt that she needed or wanted to do this. It had given her the ease she sought.

After walking for about 20 minutes, she passed by a convenience store and stopped by to buy a bottled water and a piece of bread. She continued walking after that and chomped down her bread with one hand holding on to the strip of her bag.

As she was walking, window-shopping as she went, a little girl ran passed her from behind before tripping and fell. YeonAe gasped when she saw the little girl fell and her heart went out to the poor kid. Keeping the rest of her bread inside her bag, YeonAe was about to walk towards the girl when the mother quickly got to the little girl’s side.

YeonAe assumed the woman to be the mother as the little girl was now screaming and wailing in pain, for YeonAe saw a little scratch on her elbow. The mother helped her daughter up and hushed her before gently covering up her scratch with an adhesive bandage she had ready inside her bag.

YeonAe stood rooted to the ground, quietly watching as the mother skillfully tried to comfort her daughter while at the same time putting the bandage on the little girl’s elbow. If it had been her covering the girl’s injury, she was sure that she couldn’t deal with the crying, wailing, and trying to say nice things all at once while trying to put on the covering.

The mother later cuddled her little girl and tapped her back, telling her that she was a strong girl and that she would be just fine. The little girl eventually stopped crying and hugged her mother back, and once her tears subsided, her mother took her by the hand and walked away from the scene.

YeonAe watched the two of them leave and felt a vague of heavy sadness weighed on her chest. As much as she hated to admit it, she could feel moisture pooling in her eyes and cursed herself as she wiped them away. She without a question had no reason to cry whatsoever, no matter how much the scene she witnessed just now warmed her heart and the longing just grew stronger, no matter how much she hated it.

 She felt like an idiot for a split second, for thinking that that could’ve actually been her and her mother, had her mother not leave her when she was just a few days old. It was so wrong of her to think of someone whom she had no memory of, and there was no love from her for the woman who gave her up.

Or so she thought.

She found a bench nearby and sat with a heavy sigh. YeonAe was sure that there was no love in her heart for her real mother, as she didn’t even know where she was, or who she was. Yes, sometimes she cannot help but to wonder where she was now, if she were still alive, and why did she leave YeonAe in the first place.

YeonAe still remembered the elders at the orphanage once told her, when she was very small, that her supposedly mother also left a letter on the night she left YeonAe at the orphanage’s doorstep. There was nothing much being sad in the letter, only stated YeonAe’s name and her date of birth, and no other information that would help YeonAe locate her mother.

If she wanted to find her.

As the years went by, YeonAe wasn’t sure anymore if she wanted to see her mother again. A part of her thought that it would be a good opportunity for YeonAe to ask her regarding the very reasons why she left YeonAe, and why she couldn’t keep her.

YeonAe tried to believe that she did what she did because of love, but it was getting harder to comprehend her birth mother’s actions without knowing the full story. But did she really want to know the real story? YeonAe wasn’t sure herself.

What if the story behind her birth was something that she didn’t want to hear or know? What if it was too much for her to bear? It would already be too late and she couldn’t turn back time to unheard it. She was more than certain for now that she couldn’t take it if the reason for her being was a poorly made choice.

But maybe her mother did want her, but she couldn’t keep YeonAe probably due to the financial problems in the family. And maybe giving her up was perhaps the best choice just so she could survive, not that she had the best of her life in the orphanage anyway.

Whatever the reason was, YeonAe was certain that if her mother really loved her, she would’ve kept YeonAe, no matter what the circumstances was. YeonAe wondered what she would say to the lady if she really did get the chance to meet her in person.

At first, she’d thought of yelling and screaming at her for leaving YeonAe, and she had to go through hell at the orphanage and barely escaped. She would’ve asked her to tell YeonAe the reasons why she was left at the orphanage, of course, considering that she was ready to hear the truth.

But it could be, just possibly, that YeonAe would’ve thanked the woman instead. If she never left YeonAe at the children's home, YeonAe wouldn’t have tried to escape. And if YeonAe never escaped, she wouldn’t have met YiXing and his mom, the two most cherished people in her life.

Fate was a funny thing, indeed.

She couldn’t imagine not meeting YiXing and his mom, both taught her what love was and gave her a family. She couldn’t really have asked for more. YiXing’s mom loved her as if she were her own, and through her YeonAe had the chance to feel what a mother’s love was actually like. And YiXing simply added more joy to her life, in ways she couldn’t express by words. Even though he was gone, the joy and love he gave lingered in her heart every second of every day.

Looking up at the sky, she said, “Wherever you are, my birth mother, I wish you well. For whatever reasons you have for leaving me, I hope that one day, I would understand them. I don’t know if my being is a regret to you, but I no longer regret living because I’ve met two wonderful people, who I hold and love dearly. I’ve survived the orphanage, by the way, and tried telling myself that you did what you did because you loved me. Even if you didn’t love me, or maybe have forgotten me by now, nothing has been lost between us. I have no memories of you, nor love, but thank you for bringing me into this world and giving me a chance to live.”

People looked at her weirdly, but she overlooked them. Somehow, she hoped that the clouds would deliver her message to her birth mother, wherever she was, and if she still lived. YeonAe tried telling herself not to be so angry towards her mother, even though she believed that she had every right to be.

She looked around and still noticed some stares were thrown towards her, but again she took no notice of them. She rolled her eyes as she ped her bag, wanting to take out the leftover bread she kept just now but her eyes happened to fall on an orange enveloped, in midst of her other things.

She’d looked at YiXing’s letters often enough to know what the orange envelope was for. It might be a coincidence, or maybe not, but YeonAe knew that she had to read that one now. She looked around again only to notice that the crowd was now going about their business again, so YeonAe decided to just read it there and then. As long as no one disturbed her, she should be fine.

She took out the letter, unfolded it, and smiled at the first sentence she saw.

My precious YeonAe,

If you’re reading this letter right now, it means that something is troubling you or making you upset. There are not many things that can make you upset, YeonAe. You’re just the type of girl who is always happy, smiling, and just a ray of sunshine. Not even the teases at school can bring you down, except for when they tease you because of one particular thing.

And having to know you for many years, I know the things that can distraught you, and they are not many. I don’t like seeing you upset, because when you’re upset it’s like the world has lost all of its beauty, and even if you’re not crying because of it, I feel like I will cry instead.

Well, I’m just making a wild guess right now but I think you’re upset because of your mother again, aren’t you?

That has to be the reason, because there’s just nothing else that can disappoint you. Not even when we forgot your birthday cake, or when you failed to ride the bicycle repeatedly. I myself have been keeping an eye on what would make you sad, and based on my results; it is always because of your mother.

Dear YeonAe,

I know that I have told you this many times before, but I would tell you again and again until you can get it in your head. I understand how you feel towards your mother, I really do. I understand that sometimes you cannot underst