Chapter 14 : Old Scars

He heard her calling his name, many times now, but he chose to take no notice of it. He ignored the sound of distress in her voice, growing anxious each time she called his name. He failed to notice the worry that coated his name each time it slipped out of .

He failed to notice everything, because of the anger that had clouded his thoughts. There was nothing else existed in his heart other than loathing and ire, that seemed to grow more and more as he brooded over of what had come about earlier that day.

It cannot be undone now. It was too late. All of his aunt’s efforts of trying to bring him back from the darkness were all for naught. She’d tried reaching out, but he simply rejected to reach back. She’d lost him, but she was yet to know that.

In the bushes there he sat, becoming one with the blackness. He cared not for the wind that constantly brushed against his bare arms, or the scratches from the leaves. He cared not for the sound of his aunt’s voice, repeatedly calling out to him, hoping that he would somehow answer her.

He cared for nothing other than the pain that had taken an enduring place inside his heart, strewing other sentiments that were not supposed to be there. He’d hoped that she wouldn’t find him forever, as there was nothing else that she could’ve done. She will only say that she wanted to help him, but he was beyond reach now.

He recalled of what happened that day, and it was something that would forever stay engraved on his thoughts.

It was the day when all parents were invited to come to school, had a brief meeting with the teachers concerning their children’s progress and what could’ve been done to help them improve. It was a day that he looked forward to, much to his surprise. He barely looked forward to any days anymore, but he did this.

He’d called his dad a few days before that to inform him that he must be present. The response he received was not something that he didn’t expect, though. He knew that his father would tell him to ask his aunt to go on his stead, claiming that he was actually busy and work had been overwhelming at the moment.

He knew this, yet he still wanted the man to come. He hadn’t seen him for years, and the last time he ever saw him was the day his father left him here, under the care of someone else. He still hadn’t forgiven him for doing that, but he was considering it if his father did come to his school.

He told him that it was the day for the parents to come, and his aunt was not his parent. She was just an aunt, nothing more.

He still recalled the deep sigh that his father released on the other line, and how his hand gripped the phone so forcefully as if he could break it in half. It took every ounce of energy he had not to burst out in rage.

After leaving his own son with someone else, never visited him for years, the least his father could do was to attend this meeting at school, for at least he deserved this much. He never asked for anything else, except for this matter where he specifically wanted his dad to be there.

The boy never wanted to admit to himself that the reason why he wanted his father to be there was something that he wanted to prove to himself, but he never wanted to come clean with it.

After few minutes of thinking, the father gave in, saying that he would be there but he made no promises. That alone was enough for the young lad, and he was really looking forward to seeing his father again. He had somewhat forgotten what his father looked like, as it felt rather a long time ago.

However, this morning, he waited, and waited, but there was no sign of his father at all. He kept waiting, until in the end he was the only one left in the class. The teacher, whose heart went out to him, asked him whether anyone was coming for him, and before he could say that his father was coming, his aunt showed up, smiling so as to cover the sad truth that the boy now knew.

His father never came; he’d asked his aunt to go in his stead, and deep down inside the boy knew, that his father never tried to make time for him. He knew that his father didn’t even try, and despite remembering that the man had said that he made no promises a few days before, he felt stupid for still holding on to the hope that his father would show up by some means.

He should’ve known better, he told himself, hugging his knees as he drowned deeper in the darkness. He couldn’t help but to wonder, just what had he done wrong in his lifetime that he had to be treated this way by those he loved? Feasibly, he did do something wrong on his previous lifetime, he never knew.

He should’ve known better. The man that he’d hoped would come after all these years was in fact the man who’d left him with his aunt, refusing to look after him. He discarded the fact that he was his son, and went off to live happily with his other family.

He rarely called, and the boy could count using his fingers just how many times a year had his father called to know how he was doing. And he knew that he was simply doing it out of obligations. His father wouldn’t really care if his son died. He’d danced in joy, probably.

He shouldn’t have expected anything from the man. He should’ve known by now, that his father no longer loved him, and he actually doubted that his father did love him before. He didn’t want to have anything to do with his son anymore.

His son, who’d watched his own mother, took her life right in front of his eyes. He watched in fear as the light slowly went out of those pained eyes, and her last breath had been his name. How he’d wished that his mother had said his name more frequently with love. Now, his father abandoned him.

The boy clenched his fists, so hard that his nails dug into the skin of his palms. What did he do to deserve this? He didn’t ask to be given a fortune or fame. All he ever wanted was to be loved, to be wanted. Was that even too much to ask? He wanted nothing else than a family that filled each of his days with happiness.

He wanted a woman whom he could call mom, the one who would welcome him each day from school with love and open arms. The one he could share all his secrets to, the one who he would tell about his first love, if there were any in the future. He’d want to go grocery shopping with his mom, helping her carry the grocery bags and other people would look at them in jealousy, wishing that they had a son or lover like him. He wanted to show the world that this beautiful woman was his mom, and he was grateful to have her in his life.

He also wanted a man he could proudly call dad. He wanted to watch soccer with him, ask him for advice on how to get the attentions of his crush, helped him with the garage and whatnot. He wanted to plan his mother’s surprise party every year with the help of his dad, and shared knowing glances when his mother talked too much about the drama she’d recently watched, and how heartbreaking the ending was. He wanted to show everyone that this handsome man was his dad, he was proud to have him, and he wanted to be like him.

How funny, though, he thought. He did have parents once only that they were never around long enough for him. They disappeared almost instantly, and now just proved that neither of them actually loved him. If his mother really loved him, she wouldn’t have killed herself. If his dad really loved him, he wouldn’t leave him with his aunt and not seeing him for years.

“Why do I even exist?” he asked himself. “Why bother bringing me into this world if in the end you leave me like this? I should’ve never existed. I should’ve not come into this world. I wouldn’t have to feel this kind of pain, face this kind of rejection from the two people I least expected.” He roughly wiped a tear from his eye and his fist clenched tighter.

“I never deserve this. I don’t deserve this at all!” He screamed, not caring whether his voice will give away his current hiding spot. He didn’t care if his aunt was nearby. He cared about nothing anymore.

Someone had to pay for this, he thought. He knew very well that all the fiasco that took place years ago was because of a stranger that intruded the peace in his family. He was no fool. He heard everything that was being sad by his parents even though he was shaking with fear, all alone in his room with nothing to keep him company other than the walls.

Both of his parents didn’t have any care whether he’d overhear them or not. Their