Warning: this story deals with a bit more mature themes then my previous stories regarding mental health and unhealthy relationships. I promised Ele a happy ending though so don’t be too worried.

After the Storm

by Eiryia

for the most precious guineapig there is:

Elemila

p.1

It was funny he thought.

How the world could be so silent and yet to him so loud.

Never before had his life been this calm.

No conflict, no irregularities, no spotlight and no questions.

To everyone else did it probably look like he had never been better.

But to him was there no bigger lie.

The calm was only on the surface. He was suffering. Peaking at something close to panic at its worst. Suffering and regret. He knew them well by now, but only he knew that they were there at all. Because if he were so share his reason for suffering, so would it be expected of him to fix it. He had yet to figure out how to do that. So he would keep on suffering in silence, hoping for it to end on its own or for him to find a solution.

It was late in the afternoon and Seungyoon was on his way home from work. He usually worked until much later, but he had permitted himself to go home early today because it was Friday. He had no plans in mind when he made the decision to take this evening off, but as the last hours dragged on had he made up his mind; He would go home this weekend.

Home to the city where he grew up. Home to where he could watch the sea. Maybe that would make him feel better.

He hoped so.

It was hard to not look for her now, it had become a habit of his. Every night when he came home she would greet him. At first from far away, but now she came up close every time. Earning her trust had been no easy feat, but with little presents and kind words had she finally come around.

Tonight was she nowhere to be found and he couldn't help but to feel a little sad.

Maybe he should just get one of his own. He could use the company. Leeching of others love where probably not the optimal way of getting his need for affection covered. Could a cat even do that? He wondered about that as he unlocked the door to the apartment building. He had to take one last peek over his shoulder before walking inside, but there were no cat to be seen tonight.

He his music system as soon as he entered his apartment. He didn't like the silence of living alone and the music were better company then most with the mood he was in lately. He hummed a little as he walked around doing everything that needed to be done before he left for the weekend.

His favorite song suddenly and his first genuine smile crept onto his face. He made a dramatic pose while singing along as the chorus made its final victory round reaching new heights. Music, he didn't miss music because he worked with music every day as a producer.

Performing on the other hand, that he missed.

All those years on stage, they had been his family then. He had been his family after that and now? He had no one. Well that weren't entirely true. The others kept in touch with him through social media and he had skyped with Jinwoo only last week. They met up every once in a while as well, but it had been months now.

Everyone was so busy, himself included. The difference were that he chose to be busy, they by the looks of it where still in that ever raging whirlwind that being in the spotlight created. He didn't miss that. Being in that whirlwind meant to follow in a forced direction in such a speed there were barely no time to think. He liked thinking, thinking and deciding on his own direction.

If only he had not made such poor decisions for himself.

He had packed his things and was waiting for the car that would drive him to the airport. He had opted for a plane just because it was the fastest, but he really would have preferred taking the train. As he walked outside could he see her come walking towards him.

Slowly, but determined taking a longer route around a couple of bushes just to test his reaction. He knew her well by now though so he waited. She gave in after a couple of minutes and came over to him for him to pet her. She made sure to lay down a couple of feet away from him. Just to see if he would move the last few feet for her and He did of course, like always.

The trip to his hometown had gone smoothly and his mother had met him at the airport even if it was pretty late by the time he had arrived there. They had stopped by a convenience store to pick up some of his favorite food items on the way and he was now propped up on the couch to watch a recording of one of his favorite audition shows that his mother had recorded when she heard he would be there for the weekend.

Going home was a bit of an experiment for him. He had long wondered if he was lonely or if he really was longing for that one person. If staying with his mother helped then maybe he was just lonely. All evidence so far proved to the opposite and he knew perfectly well why. The last time he had been here had he not come alone. Now everything here reminded him of what had been.

He had thanked his mother after watching the tv show and gone off to bed. He had curled up under the covers like he always did. The thoughts of the last time he had done so in this bed however haunted him. The longer he thought about it the more it hurt. The more he let the pain engulf him, the more real it all felt. He had refused to take in the full impact of this pain for that exact reason. It made it real. It had already been so long. Maybe it was time for him to try and get over it? He played with this thought as sleep hit him and he had to admit that he welcomed it.

Sleep was comfortable, sleep gave him a much needed break from reality.  

It was Saturday afternoon and he had just left a late lunch meet up with a few old friends. It had been nice, but they had asked a lot of uncomfortable questions. Now he was making his way towards the sea. He knew the streets of the city well and after only about half an hour of walking had he arrived at his destination.

It was a lovely day and the ocean was unmoving, making a perfect reflection of the still light blue sky. He headed towards one of his favorite spots on the side of the pier and sat down to enjoy the view.

He had hoped that the salty sea air would help him breath better. The knot in his chest however was unmoving. He took in a few big gulps of air just for the extra effort, but it only made him dizzy. He hated the feeling of being sick and focused his eyes on the small fishing boats on the horizon to distract himself from his own breathing. He knew how to breathe, he didn't need to overdo it.

He felt himself slowly calm down as is breathing went back to normal, his disappointment however did not decrease. He had hoped to get answers coming back home. He didn't feel any better so far and seeing his beloved ocean had been the biggest disappointment of all.

He watched the unmoving fishing boat on the calm sea and thought of how they made a pretty good representation of himself. The fishing boat on the unmoving sea would be his outside; the side he showed to the world. His insides however were like the ocean depths, full of the dark and unknown. There could be a mother ing whale under that boat out there. One flick of its tail and the boat would be crushed to pieces. Like lighting from blue sky. Bam. No more fishing boat. 

He had to stop with these metaphors, this was getting ridiculous. After all, he needed to be the whale in his life and crush through the fake calm of the ocean surface. He had to shake things up and only he could do that.

Right?

He had ended his weekend back home with dinner out with his mother. She had for the first time expressed her concern for him wondering if he really was as okay as he claimed to be. He had denied everything and he thought he had managed to calm her in the process. The last thing he needed was for someone else to worry about him.

After all, all he needed really was time. Time to heal and to figure out what to do next. Because living like this simply didn't cut it anymore.

He had left for the airport after their dinner and spent the hour waiting for his flight responding to work emails. He had received a text from Jinwoo only minutes before boarding had begun asking him when he would be back in the city. He had replied "boarding now" before turning his phone over into flight mode.

Watching the evening sun disappear under a soft layer of clouds as the plane took off he wondered if maybe traveling was his answer. There were still so many places he wanted to see and it would be good for his work as well. Maybe he should accept the next job offer that dumped down on his desk? Any project that took him out of town would be fine. Leaving the country had an even better sound to it.

The question was if he really was fixing things by doing this, or being a coward.

Fleeing from his problems.

p.2

He had made it so that a car was waiting for him when he returned to the city. He had asked the driver to take him straight home, but because of traffic had it taken a lot longer than usual. There had been an accident on the highway and they had gone straight past it on their way. He had seen people crying and blood.

A lot of blood.

It had stained the asphalt flowing out around the car wreck as if a hand had come down from the sky crushing it from above. That of course had not been the case, but when a car crashes with concrete at such a high speed was the wreckage doomed to look disfigured.

The image of the crushed car haunted him for the rest of the drive home. One moment everything could be fine, the next he'd be out of existence. The sad thing was that out of existence didn't sound so bad right now.

He was walking up the road towards his apartment building trying to cheer himself up by humming one of his favorite songs. The sun was setting now and the bright light reflecting in all the windows of the building partially blinded him. Therefore were he pretty close before he realized that someone was leaning up against the brick wall, waiting for him.

His hair was a warm brown, moving a little in the evening breeze. His frame was thiner then the last time he had seen him. Then again, it had been months and months since the last time they had seen each other. There was no doubt in his mind who this person was even if he still could not believe it. He had no reason to be here. So why was he here? 

"Taehyun?"

He looked up as he said his name. Face emotionless except from his sparkling eyes. He stood up right after having been leaning up against the wall while he walked up to him. Seungyoon could feel his heart rate increase what must be almost impossibly fast and his mouth felt dry. All words had left him and the rush of emotions hitting him at once numbed his mind.

They stood there staring at each other for a moment before Taehyun asked "Aren't you going to invite me in?"

He had just nodded and opened the door without walking inside, waiting for him to go on ahead.  The elevator ride up to the 20th floor felt a lot longer than usual. He had thought about what he would say if this were ever to happen. Now however did it all sound ridiculous. His questions unimportant and the past irrelevant. All that mattered was that he was here now and he needed to know why?

He unlocked the door to his apartment and Taehyun followed after him. He took of his jacket and left his luggage by the door expecting Taehyun to do the same, he didn't. Taehyun was wearing a black leather jacket over a tight gray shirt whit a black tie and a pair of black jeans.

Now that the evening breeze was gone could he catch the faint familiar smell of him as well. That alone was enough to make him dizzy; a warm, earthy and spicy smell mixed with something unfamiliar. He wanted to touch him, let his hands trail the body he had grown familiar with to over the years. He knew from past experience that if he were to approach him with the intention of just a physical relation would he most likely not be turned away. His heart however wanted more, a lot more and so he could not do that until Taehyuns agenda was clear.

"Tea?"

He asked and looked over at Taehyun. He nodded and Seungyoon thought he spotted the first friendly notion cross his face as he put up weak smile in response to his question. He started making the tea and Taehyun went over to the seat he often had sat on when he had visited.

It was according to him, the best spot in the whole apartment. You could see far into the cityscape that was Seoul city. Seungyoon managed to sneak in a few glimpses of him as he made the tea, observing how the last rays of sunshine hit his face giving him a warm glow. It made him seem friendlier somehow and a little more approachable. He had to ask:

"Why are you here? Why now?"

Taehyun only smiled a sad smile and looked at his hands. It was obvious that he was struggling with something. Did he regret coming here? Or was there something completely different? Seungyoon grabbed the two mugs of tea and walked over to take a seat opposite him. He had magically managed to carry the two mugs without spilling any of its contents even if his hands were shaking pretty badly by now.

"There is a question I need to get an answer to" Taehyun said looking into his freshly brewed tea. "Then ask?" Seungyoon replied not being able to take his eyes of him. 

"Why didn't we fight for us?" Taehyun said in a shaking voice. "Why did neither of us stop the other from letting go?"

Seungyoon had thought about this a lot as well. He could still vividly picture the moment he had watched Taehyun walk out the same front door they had just walked in. He could also remember how he had not stopped him nor had he gone after him. They had not contacted each other since. Until today. The why part was a lot harder to explain the how. His love for grand metaphors however, along with having too much time to think about what had happened had led him to one conclusion: they were like planets.    

Two planets orbiting the sun. One watching the others back, but never touching. Forever spinning around themselves never really getting any closer to the other. They had simply been co-existing, taking the others importance for granted and in the process inevitably leading them to their doom. Because Taehyun had not been a planet to him, he had been his sun.

With his sun gone had his own planet quickly begun withering away not being able to sustain itself on its own.

The question now was if he had he been Taehyuns sun? Were they each one to their own solar systems? Whatever they were so were they now crushing together. Would they destroy each other? Becoming dust in the process? Or would they merge into something new and indefinitely more beautiful?

Without realizing had he gotten to his feet. He was standing by his chair holding onto it. Looking down at Taehyun.

"I have thought a lot about that myself" he said trying to keep his emotions in check. His insides were raging with pure chaos by now. Lust and longing blending with panic and fear into something he had trouble controlling. He tried to focus on his breathing, but remembered yesterday at the beach and how close he had been to hyperventilating then. This was a thousand times harder and so breathing would have to wait.

As he struggled with his emotions had Taehyun gotten to his feet as well. His eyes expressed his worry clearly, but his words did not. "Is there really nothing to be said? Are we nothing now?"

He moved closer and Seungyoon took a step backwards on pure reflex. He wanted to express his regret, his sorrow and his heartbreak. But nothing came out, he felt himself standing there wide eyed and completely silent. He realized in the moment it happened that it was his fear that had been stopping him. A fear of repeating his mistakes because surely this would be his last chance.

Taehyun took another step towards him and whispered more then he spoke "Why? I feel like you never let me go. Yet you never fought for me" Taehyun stretched out a hand towards his face. He weren't sure if he should shy away or welcome it. If it was a caressing move or a threating one. It didn't matter, he had longed for his touch for so long now. Whatever it was would he take it, welcome it and treasure it.

His hand moved softly across his check and his thumb rested on his lips for a moment. He instinctively wanted to bite it, but Taehyuns had move to his hand to his throat the next second grabbing it firmly while pushing him up against the wall. "I'm asking you why?" he snarled through gritted teeth. His voice dripping with malice, but his eyes begging him for an explanation. He didn't squeeze on his throat so much that he had trouble breathing, but speaking would be hard. Taehyun leaned in closer moving his hand up from his throat to his chin holding it with a firm grip while staring into his eyes.

"I've been suffering, all these months. With no way to fix it and I blame you".

He pushed his body against his leaning in so close that his lips touched his ear and he could feel Taehyuns warm breath on his neck. "You hear that?" he whispered "I blame you, and you are the only one who can fix it. That is why I am here".

Seungyoon might not have his words in place for a good reply, but a single twinge of hope had caught fire in his chest. He moved his arms from hanging motionless on his sides to embracing Taehyun tightly. Who hugs someone who is close to strangling you? He did, because surely did Taehyun not want him to die. He hugged him to him while saying with as much of a voice as he could muster

"Then let me" he said "Let me fix it"

Taehyun leaned back to look at him just as he said the last couple of words. Then he kissed him, moving his hand from his throat to hold his face between his big hands instead. It kept their bodies in place and Seungyoon would probably have gone to the floor if he had not just because of how little air he managed to pull into his lungs.

Even if his touch was gentle was there no calm in the kiss, only hunger and need. Was he trying to make up for the missed kisses of the past months? Or did Taehyun need him as much as he needed him? Seungyoon buried his hands deep in to Taehyuns hair tracing lines from his neck and up behind his ears with his fingers.

He wanted to feel every part of him, re-discover him as if everything were new. He had made up his mind, any part of him would be better than none at all. It was worth the risk. 

It felt like his world shattered and glass fell down around him as this revelation danced in his mind. His fears evaporated and a carelessness took him like he had never felt before. No matter what happened after this so would it be worth it. He couldn't possibly get any more miserable then he had been and so really.. he had nothing to lose!

He reveled in this new feeling and was about to pull away from the kiss when Taehyun's hand began slowly ing his shirt. All he could do was to watch. Hands wanting to help, pulse beating in his ears. As the leather jacket fell to the floor after the last button had been opened couldn't he wait anymore.

He grabbed him by his tie pulling him with him a couple of meters across the floor and dragged him with him before pushing him onto the cool leather sofa. He began ing the others pants when he felt his firm grip on his shoulder.

"Not this time, I think we need some change around here" Taehyun then pushed him of him hovering above him with a menacing smirk plastered to his face. He then leaned in, placed a soft kiss on his lips before on his bottom lip. His hand had traveled slowly downward during this kiss ing all that was left to and his pants were down by his ankles by the time he had noticed what was going on.

"Tell me you want me" He said face looking all serious now as he repositioned himself above him. He was the inside of his tight with one finger as he said it, accidentally brushing the even more sensitive parts of his body as he went.

It was torture, he was already getting nervous as their roles obviously now had been reversed and now he was teasing him? He arched his back, pushing his lower body against him while biting his lip. He didn't want to say it. The signs that told him how much he wanted him were already there. Pulsing between his legs.

"Tell me how much you need me" he said. His stubbornness was winning however and he looked away in pure defiance not saying a word. He couldn't see his face as he looked away, but he heard him say "Oh really?" in a low voice.

"I guess I just have to make you tell me.. involuntarily then" 

p.3

Breathing felt easier when they were two

Everything felt easier when they were two

Living would be easier now

He turned around in his bed not daring to open his eyes. He thought he could hear breathing, but it might just be his own that had finally returned to him. The knot in his chest didn't feel as crushing this morning. He listened intently and the silence he had avoided for so long, it felt strangely reassuring this morning. He stretched out a hand still not daring to look. His fingertips touched warm skin and a small puff of relief escaped his lips. He was still there, after all.

Letting his fingers run down the small of his back he smiled a little. He was back, they were back. This time he knew he had nothing to lose by staying true to himself because if he didn't could he end up losing everything. That was not an option. His sun was back and he was ready to let gravity pull him along into infinity. But he guessed he could stray a little from his orbit. He was starving, needed a shower and knew how much Taehyun enjoyed breakfast in bed.

He placed a light kiss on his shoulder before rolling out of bed as careful as he could manage. He stopped by the door to have one more look. His insides were dancing on its own because of the butterflies, so much in fact that he felt a little nauseous. It didn't matter, nerves and butterflies were a welcome change to his fear and apathy and so he cherished it the best he could because wanted to feel it all. The bad and the good.. And the very good. He toasted to himself while drinking some water in the kitchen.

"To feeling things and acting on them" he mumbled before heading to the bathroom.

Walking out of the shower he thought he could hear the faint sound of someone talking in the kitchen. He felt his stomach sink as he thought of the many mornings Taehyun had left him in a hurry because of work. He feared that he was on his phone again making some kind of arrangement to get the hell out of there.

Passing the corner into the kitchen he found Taehyun still in his borrowed pajamas, humming to the radio which had not been on since the last time he had been there. As he realized that he had company did he turn towards him while asking "Breakfast?" while holding up a frying pan.

"What's with the face?" he continued smiling at him. Seungyoon weren't aware that he was making a particular face, but forced a smile as he saw worry began creeping into Taehyuns eyes. His first reaction was to tell him nothing, but honesty were probably a better option. "I just got scared for a second" he admitted looking at his feet.

"Why?" Taehyun asked putting down the frying pan. "This part is usually when you leave.." his voice trailed off towards the end.

Taehyun took a step closer and reached out a hand towards him. "I'm not going anywhere right now and when I do have to go so are you welcome to come along with me. If you want to?" He wanted to, more than anything. He weren't going to be left behind again. "I'd love that" he replied making a proper honest smile this time. "We have time for breakfast though?" He asked. "We have, time for breakfast and lunch and dinner.. And breakfast again" They both smiled now.

"Sounds like a plan"