Over the next week, I thought about Jinyoung’s confession. I thought about trying to ignore him, but I had gotten so comfortable with his presence beside me that I wasn’t entirely sure that I wanted to go back to the way I was before. Honestly, that thought kind of scared me. His confession also scared me. Was I ready to let someone in that much? For me, being in a relationship was a big step.

          But Jinyoung and I continued to see each other once in a while and whenever he saw me, he would act as though he hadn’t said anything at all. I wasn’t sure if that meant that he wished that he took the entire thing back, but I figured that he just probably wanted to save me from an awkward explanation and he probably didn’t want to seem like he was desperate and keep asking me about it. If I were to guess, I’d say that he knew that I would come to him when the time was right, when I was ready.

          Until that, though, he sent me text messages sometimes, generic ones asking me about how my day went, making sure that I was eating and sleeping properly, and the occasional asking about how my mother was doing. They were all caring texts and somehow as he sent more and more of them with each passing day, I had gotten used to those as well. I would sometimes wait to see what he would text me next or when he would text me yet. Those types of feelings were all brand-new to me.  

          I never expected anything from anyone and I definitely never looked forward to something. I spent countless hours at night lying awake on my bed wondering if that was what it meant to like someone. I was certain that I wasn’t in love, but I was curious as to whether I was actually starting to like him. Or maybe, I had already liked him from before but never realized my feelings.

          When I met him that day, I knew what I was going to tell him. I had rehearsed it in my head all night and all morning. It was the weekend and one of the rare ones when I was off. I had visited my mother that morning and Jinyoung and I made a promise to meet that afternoon, but he was already a half an hour late. He had sent me a text earlier saying that he was running a bit behind and that he would meet me as soon as possible. So I ordered an iced coffee and a piece of cake and was slowly eating it.

          He didn’t appear until almost an hour after we were supposed to meet. By then I was doubting on whether he would actually come or not, but he burst through the door and found his way over to the seat, panting and all. He quickly sat down in the chair across from me and took a couple of seconds to catch his breath before he said, “Minyoung-ah, I’m so sorry I’m late.”

          “No…it’s alright,” I said in my best attempts to be cheerful.

          “No, it’s not alright,” he said shaking his head. “We made plans and I practically missed them.”

          “It’s not like I have anything else to do the rest of the day,” I muttered and that was the truth. The only other thing that was on the schedule after meeting with Jinyoung was studying and those days, I was looking for anything to steal me away from that.

          He sighed and looked at his folded hands for a moment before he looked back up at me. “So what was it that you wanted to tell me?” I knew that he already knew why I would be asking to meet with him, since we almost never planned anything. He just really showed up when he wanted to.

          “I’m…I’m flattered that you like me, but I don’t think that I can accept your feelings,” I said as I attempted to keep my cool. My heart was beating like crazy and I didn’t want to show that I was nervous, but with the way that his eyes were looking at me, it felt like he could see right through me.

          “Oh…do you not like me that way?” he wondered. That was a question that caught me off guard. Actually, any question would’ve caught me off guard because I wasn’t prepared for them.

          “It’s…it’s not like that,” I said doing my best to explain. “I just…I’m busy, you know? I have my mother and work and school.”

          “But we hang out now without you doing that.” I didn’t say anything. “Minyoung,” he softly said, “there’s more than that, isn’t there.” He didn’t try to poke and prod. He just stated it and sat there softly staring at me.

          The logical brain inside of me just wanted to tell him that I didn’t like him and that he was mistaken and just end our friendship there, if that was what I could even call it. But it was as though my heart wasn’t listening to my brain. My heart told me that Jinyoung was my friend that I did like him as something more than a friend and that things like that were risks, but it might be worth it.

          I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out. My heart and brain were still arguing with one another. “I’m afraid,” I said and it took me a moment to realize that I actually said that, that I actually admitted that I was afraid to someone. I had never done that before.

          “Afraid? What are you afraid of?” he inquired.

          “I…I’m not used to this. I’m not used to having someone around. I’m not used to relying on people,” I truthfully said. That was the moment when I realized that I couldn’t lie to him. No matter how much my brain wanted me to, I couldn’t. The boy who stuck around me for probably more time than my mother ever actually had, how could I lie to him? I didn’t dive into the entire reasoning behind it, but I continued with the explanation. “I just…I don’t know what to do. I’m just…afraid that I’ll end up relying on someone too much.”

          “Do you think that being in a relationship with me might hold you back?”

          “It’s not that,” I quickly said shaking my head. “I’ve just never been in one before.” I forced out a chuckle and looked at my hands. “I’ve never had a boyfriend before. I don’t exactly know what to do in this kind of situation.”

          He waited for what felt like forever before he said something. “Then why don’t we try it together? I haven’t had many relationships and I’m still awkward in them, too.” He chuckled and tried to make light of the situation, and I found myself smiling a little as well. Somehow I could imagine him being awkward in relationships. “Minyoung, I’m not asking for you to abandon who you are so you can be with me. We can continue meeting like this if it makes you comfortable. All I want is just for you to be beside me while we go through life. And we can be realists about this,” he continued. “We may not stay together forever, but right now, during this time, I want to be with you. I like you, Minyoung.”

          It took a moment before I digested all of his words. I looked him in his eyes and he looked into mine. In that moment, it felt like my heart was going to burst more than it did when he first came in and I was talking to him. It didn’t feel that way because I was nervous, but because everything felt clear. It felt like everything was laid out on the table in front of us. Sure, maybe I was nervous and afraid about the future, but I felt like I could trust Jinyoung and somehow, that didn’t seem as scary as it did before.

          “And…I want to be with you, too,” I slowly and softly admitted.