I laid awake in bed that night. I thought about everything, about the things that I didn’t necessarily understand and about the things that I thought I knew. Like always, my mind was mostly on Jinyoung. He seemed happy about the sudden declaration of love that I so publically said and he seemed to be in a better mood for the rest of the day, but I could see that there was still something in his eyes.

          I rolled over onto my side in bed as I stared straight into the dark room. The words that I told Jinyoung earlier in the day circled my brain. He was my source of strength, my pillar. He was the one who was there for me when no one else was, he was the first one that was ever there for me, the first person I felt like I was able to lean on and share my worries with. In the reality of it all, he was probably my everything and honestly, that thought scared me.

          I was so used to my mother disappointing me that I never really leaned on her, never really trusted her with anything, but there I was, trusting Jinyoung with everything about me. He knew about my mother, my past and yet he was still by my side. He was still there for me, he hadn’t left me like everyone else.

          In the morning I went to work at the restaurant before going to the convenience store. Even though it was just another day it didn’t feel like it. It felt different, it felt like I wasn’t myself. Was it because I had verbally said that I loved Jinyoung? Did love change a person? Was this the change?

          All sorts of things went through my mind and I hadn’t realized that Shinwoo was standing in front of me. “Hi,” I shyly greeted him. “It’s…been a long time.”

          “How have you been?” he asked.

          “Good. The same, I guess. How about you?”

          “Good,” he replied with a nod of his head. “Did you see Jinyoung today?” I shook my head. “Hmm,” Shinwoo hummed. “What time do you get off of work?”

          “Um…in an hour,” I said looking at the clock on the wall.

          “When you’re finished with work, would you like to talk with me?”

          “Talk with you?”

          “You know…” he sighed and I did know. He wanted to talk about Jinyoung. I figured that Shinwoo probably heard about the results that Jinyoung received and wanted to talk about them. Or maybe he wanted to talk about something else, either way I was sure that it was going to be regarding Jinyoung. It seemed like Shinwoo was really concerned about me when it came to him.

          I nodded my head first before I responded. “Sure.”

          “I’ll meet you outside of the store in an hour,” was all Shinwoo said before he exited the store.

          He stayed true to his word. I left the store an hour later and found him leaning against the side of the building. We began walking side by side with one another in silence. Unlike the comfortable silence I experienced with Jinyoung before, the silence between Shinwoo and I was an awkward silence.

          I didn’t speak first. He was the one that asked me if I wanted to talk so I figured that he must’ve had some idea about what he wanted the conversation to be about, where he wanted to take it.

          “How are you holding up?” Shinwoo asked. That was definitely not the question I expected him to ask first, but I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t really have any answer. How was I doing? On the outside it would seem like nothing had changed, but on the inside, it felt like everything had. “I figured,” was the only reply.

          Shinwoo led the way to a small café where we both ordered drinks and sat at a table kind of far away from others. It wasn’t until after our order arrived that we began talking, that I finally realized exactly why Shinwoo asked me to talk with him.

          “How have you been?” he asked starting the conversation first. “I hear that you visit Jinyoung as much as you can.” I nodded my head. “That’s good…” The conversation died down between us before he spoke again. “But Minyoung, seriously, how have you been holding up?”

          “Same old, same old,” I simply responded.

          The atmosphere between the two of us felt awkward. It felt like there were so many things that we wanted to say but we couldn’t, the words just wouldn’t come out. Rather, neither of us wanted to say the words that we knew was on both of our minds.

          “Minyoung,” Shinwoo gently began, “I just wanted to tell you that I know it’s hard and that there may be some things that you can’t speak to Jinyoung with. I just wanted to tell you that you can come to me for anything. I’m probably not as good as Jinyoung, but I’ll be here for you. I know how hard it can be.”

          I was shocked at his words. I wondered why he would be telling me something like that. Shinwoo and I were never very close. I had only met him a couple of times when Jinyoung was well and we hung out together and then there was only the one time he came to visit me by himself. I barely knew anything about him and the same probably went for him. He probably just got his information from Jinyoung about me. So him saying that he would be there for me, it felt strange. Up until that point Shinwoo had been more of an acquaintance to me, a familiar acquaintance.

          “Thank you,” I said, my voice was most likely barely over a whisper.

          Shinwoo and I finished our drinks and left the café. We talked about various things like our hobbies and interests in order to get our minds off of Jinyoung I’m sure. It was like that until we reached the front door of my house, Shinwoo taking it upon himself to walk me home. I turned to look at Shinwoo once more after opening the door to tell him thanks.

          “Minyoung,” Shinwoo said, “I’m glad that you’re with Jinyoung. It may seem like he’s fine, but he may be holding more things inside that we don’t know. I’m glad that he has someone that he can rely on. I’m glad that you’re with him. Goodnight.” Shinwoo turned around to head back down the stairs, but he stopped when I called out his name.

          “Shinwoo-ssi!” I yelled. “I’m glad too. I’m glad that he has a friend like you who cares so much about him. I’m sure that he appreciates you as well. Thank you for tonight.”

          Shinwoo gave a simple nod of his head and a gentle smile before continuing his decent down the stairs. I finally went inside once he disappeared from my sight and sat down at the books, but my mind was anywhere but studying.

          The conversation with Shinwoo had calmed me a bit about Jinyoung’s situation, but I was still nervous about the entire thing. And I guess when it came down to it I was also nervous about my mother. The doctors told me that she wasn’t doing well and that they didn’t think she had much time left. Whenever I visited her she wouldn’t say anything about the increased tests or medication that they put her on. Instead she would stay like she always was.

          I wondered if she knew. She had to know that there was some reason for the increase in everything. Maybe she wanted to spare me the pain or maybe she thought I didn’t care. Throughout the time I was angry at her I clearly made it known that I disapproved of her actions, her decisions.

          But the truth of the matter was that I wasn’t that angry with her anymore. The time has probably helped as well as her stay in the hospital. And Jinyoung. There was still Jinyoung who helped me. Perhaps the time has also helped in healing the old wounds, to help in forgiving her for what she had done. While I still don’t approve of her decisions and probably never will, I was at least a bit more understanding. Did she know that? Did she know that I really did love her?