“Something on your mind?” Jinyoung wondered one afternoon. We were sitting outside while he was strumming his guitar. He had just finished playing for the children and now it was only the two of us. “You’ve seemed to be distracted a lot lately.”

          I couldn’t deny that. I guess I was worried more than usual. My mother was usually the first thing on my mind. She seemed to treat me with more indifference than before and I was concerned about what that could possibly mean. Or maybe that was just my mother. Maybe she was just like that and I never knew. I never really paid that much attention to her.

          “Just my mother,” I sighed as I looked at the people who were walking back and forth. “You know she’s not doing well and I just…I’m just worried about her.”

          “Did you talk to her?”

          “Talk to her? I can’t talk to her,” I said shaking my head. “The words wouldn’t be able to come out, they’ll just be mumbled and it’s just…awkward.”

          “How about writing a letter then?” Jinyoung wondered. He placed his guitar on his lap and turned to look at me. “Sometimes when it’s awkward to say things aloud, writing a letter is a good way to express what you want to say, a heartfelt letter. Kind of like a song, you know? Songs are heartfelt words that the writer wants to say to someone.”

          “I’ve never written a letter in my life,” I admitted. “I wouldn’t know what to write.”

          “But that’s the beauty of a letter.” Jinyoung gave me a simple smile. “Try it, you might be surprised with what you discover of yourself.”

          That night I tried Jinyoung’s idea. I sat down with my notebook open and a pen to see what thoughts came to me, to try and write a letter to my mother expressing the words that I couldn’t but wanted to. I thought that if I was able to express it then maybe the weight that felt like it was on my shoulder would be relieved.

Mother… Mom…

          I stared at the blank page with only two words written at the top. The words sounded stupid. Even though they were only words to call my mother, it still felt stupid and weird. I had never written a letter in my life.

          When I laid my head on my desk to try and think of something that wasn’t lame my phone rang. It was Jinyoung. I stared at the phone for a moment wondering why he was calling me. He didn’t normally call me on the days that he saw me. And even then he would just call me once in a while and almost always during the day when I wasn’t working. Therefore the first thing that entered my mind was that something was wrong. Did something happen with Jinyoung at the hospital and someone was using his phone to call me? Or was Jinyoung out taking a walk around the hospital and suddenly collapsed?

          “Hello?” I hesitantly asked picking up the phone.

          “Why do you sound so worried?” Jinyoung asked on the other line.

          “Huh?” I asked, slightly shocked that it was his voice I was hearing. I guess it was because I had been expecting the worst.

          “Is something wrong?”

          “No, nothing’s wrong,” I quickly said. “I was just surprised to see that you were calling me this late. What if I was sleeping?”

          “I know you’re never asleep at this time. It’s only eleven.”

          “I guess that’s true…” I muttered.

          “Is something wrong?”

          “Nope,” I said shaking my head. “I’m just trying to write the letter like you suggested, but the words aren’t coming.” I heard Jinyoung hum on the other line. “Nothing is just coming to mind. I can’t think of what to say or write. It just all seems embarrassing.”

          I heard the phone get placed down and the ruffling of what sounded like paper before the phone got picked up and Jinyoung returned. “How about I give you some inspiration?”

          “Inspiration?” I wondered.

          “Yeah, I have some things here,” Jinyoung announced.

          The next thing I knew Jinyoung was singing to me. It was soft and he didn’t have his guitar because of whoever else he might’ve been sharing a room with, but it was still lovely and I heard every word of it.

          The lyrics told of a love, a pure love, an everlasting love and when Jinyoung was finished singing the short part, I wanted more. “That was…beautiful,” I breathed. “Did you write it yourself?”

          “I did,” Jinyoung chuckled. “It was when I first saw you, when I wanted to make you mine. It’s a bit awkward to think about now, but when writing it, I wasn’t embarrassed. I wanted to make sure you knew how I felt about you and although you didn’t hear it until now, I knew that you would hear it one day.”

          “Well I really liked it.”

          “Do you think you have inspiration now?”

          “I think I may…”

          “Then, goodnight Minyoung,” Jinyoung softly said.

          “Ah…wait, why did you call me?” I suddenly asked remembering that he was the one who called me. “You couldn’t have called me just for that, right?”

          “I just called to see how you were doing. I was…I just felt a bit lonely tonight, that was all.”

          “Oh, okay then.” It wasn’t like I didn’t believe him, but something inside of me told me not to. It was strange for Jinyoung to call me at that time of night anyway. But I figured that maybe he was just lonely and maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps there was no underlying reason as to why he called me. Still, it was like a small worry in my mind.

          But I pushed that worry out in order to sit down and write the letter to my mother. Jinyoung and I said our goodnights and I began to focus myself for the task ahead.

          That night I went to bed with a smile on my face and the weight off of my shoulders. I felt like I was able to convey every feeling to my mother through the letter and just hoped that she would feel the same way I did about it. I fell asleep while reading it over for the thousandth time.

Mother… Mom…

Those words are slightly awkward and embarrassing to say, especially through this means, but it would be even more awkward and embarrassing to say those sort of thing in person, but I heard that writing a letter is a good way to convey words that can’t normally be said. So I’m writing this letter, writing it for you, my mother, who I will always love.

I do love you, Mom. Even though it may have never seemed that way, I do. I will admit that there were times when I thought that it might have just been better if you passed away, but I was always somewhat ashamed of those thoughts. How could I wish that you were dead? How could I just have those heavy thoughts simply? It didn’t make sense, but I guess it was because I didn’t want to watch you suffer. I hate to see you suffer. It will probably always be that way.

I don’t know if you know it, but I do appreciate you. I know that you tried your best raising me and while I didn’t have the best childhood out there, it was still my childhood. You are still my mother, it’s all mine and mine to have and recall. I may not approve of your actions or your decisions, but I shouldn’t be one to judge such a thing. You did your best with the situation that was presented towards you. Yes you could’ve done something else, but because of the way I was raised, I’m this way.

And that’s not a bad thing. I like the way I am. Strong and determined, but I’m still afraid. I have to admit that. If I don’t I would just be lying to myself and to you. I was always afraid, ever since I was little. I once overheard you talking to someone about adoption and I was afraid that you would send me away. That’s why I’m strong, determined, and independent. I was preparing for the moment you would send me away.

And when you were first admitted to the hospital I didn’t really care, but that was because I was still angry at you. The truth of the matter is, though, that I’m afraid of that, too. I’m afraid that you’ll be gone one day, that one day I’ll wake up and I won’t have my mother ever again.

But I just wanted to tell you that I’m okay now. I’ve come to terms with everything and I’ll accept them as they come. It’s because I’m your daughter, I’m the strong, determined, and independent daughter that you unknowingly raised me to be. I would never ask to go back and change time. It’s because you’re you that I’m like this, I’m able to be like this.

I guess the purpose of this letter is just to say that I forgive you, Mom. I forgive you for everything that you think you’ve done against me. I don’t take any of it to heart. And I love you. I really do. I may not show it and may sometimes be a bad daughter, but I love you. That will never change.

Seo Minyoung