Jinyoung awoke a couple of days later but I knew that it was really only the beginning of what would probably be a very long journey. He attempted to play everything off in the same way that he had always done but my feelings were changed. Not about him, about the whole situation. I found myself becoming very protective of him, at least in my own mind. I wanted to protect him from everything that he might encounter, however impossible I knew that it was going to be. But I was foolish, I was only really thinking about myself, but I was in love.

          “What’s with the sad face?” he had asked me one day. The visits were starting to feel like déjà vu a bit. I was repeating the exact same thing that I had always done, but the circumstances seemed much graver than they did before. I guess since I was always thinking about the possibilities, about the things that could happen, I was always worried about Jinyoung and always aware of it. That was just the reality that I was living in.

          “Minyoung,” he softly said. He had to know what I was thinking, he probably knew exactly what I was thinking, but what was I going to do? He was dying. It was out there, plain as day. It was something that I had to accept no matter how much I didn’t want to. I couldn’t get around it; I couldn’t try to play it off like it didn’t matter because it did. “I read your letter,” he announced. “It was well written. I keep it in that drawer over there in case I ever want to look at it sometime.”

          I suddenly felt embarrassed at the mention of the letter and I wasn’t sure if it was shown on my face or not but Jinyoung’s face suddenly became serious. I still hadn’t really said much to him. It was partly because I just had no idea what to say and partly because I just didn’t want to burst into tears at the thought of living without Jinyoung.

          It was weird to feel like I cared about someone that much, that I cared so deeply for someone. Honestly, more than anything, I was probably just afraid. No, I was afraid. For what was probably close to a year and a half of acquaintanceship, Jinyoung had taught me and allowed me to feel more than I ever thought was possible. I loved him. Deeply, wholeheartedly, just…everything. The thought of him not being on the earth, not being next to me, not being able to spend time with me, the thought was just too much for me to handle. It hurt me so much that I wasn’t able to look at Jinyoung the same way, that I wasn’t able to allow myself the joy of having him there with me at that moment. It affected me in ways that I definitely didn’t want it to.

          “Listen, Minyoung,” Jinyoung said with a lighter tone in his voice. “Everything is going to be fine. I assure you, we’ll come out of this perfectly fine.”

          “How…how can you say that?” I managed to say. My eyes ventured up and down his body in the hospital bed. I took notice of the tubes, the lines that connected him to the machines that were next to him. Despite being in that state he was able to say that we would somehow be perfectly fine?

          “I’m not going to let anything happen to you,” he simply said in a voice that sounded like he was trying to be braver than he actually was. Was he just trying to keep it together for me?

          “I’m just…worried,” I finally admitted. “I’m worried about everything…how can I not be?”

          Jinyoung didn’t say anything and only looked at me for what felt like forever. The long moments passed between us before he finally spoke. “Let’s not think about the what-ifs of the situation. Let’s just focus on the positive things, the things that we have right now. The happy things.”

          I tried to do as he said. I tried not to let the negative things influence me, but it was hard and it continuously got harder with each passing day. Jinyoung went in for more tests, more probing, more blood pulling, more of just everything. He seemed to be even more worn out than he was the day before every time I saw him.

          “The tests, they’re taking a toll on him,” Shinwoo told me one afternoon as I was leaving, he had decided to walk me out.       

          “Have any results come back yet?” I wondered. Jinyoung and I normally didn’t speak about such things, as if it were a mask for how we really felt. By not speaking about it to one another we didn’t have to think about the possible reality that could come upon us. However, I knew that I would be able to get the truth from Shinwoo. That’s why I preferred to ask him. I knew he would tell me what was actually going on and also because I didn’t want to make Jinyoung think about that any more than he already had to.

          “No,” he said shaking his head. “The only thing the doctors seem to know is that it’s not going well…they’re not entirely sure how much time he has but it seems as though they were a bit taken aback by some test results.” I nodded my head. That meant that there wasn’t going to be much time left for Jinyoung. I wonder if he already knew. “But there’s a possibility he could recover still. A very slim chance, but it’s still there, Minyoung. Don’t give up hope.”

          “I won’t,” I said with determination. I wasn’t going to give up hope, no matter how small or how many times it may prove me wrong. I definitely wasn’t going to give upon Jinyoung. I didn’t want to give up on him either.

          It felt like time had passed by slowly after that. It felt like I was always on edge every single day waiting for something unexpected to happen, not that I wished it upon him, but something was telling me that something was going to happen soon. Whether it was good or bad, I had no idea. It was just something that I felt.

          I had walked into the hospital room to see the same scene that I had seen time and time again, but this time, the image looked a little differently. Instead of Jinyoung happily plucking away at his guitar strings, all happy with a smile on his face as he had done before, he seemed more solemn. The tubs that were connected to his wrist moved along with him and his fingers seemed frail as he slowly plucked them one by one. I suddenly felt a surge of sadness come over me as I stood in the doorway and looked at him. The boy who had been so much in love with music looked like he was slowly losing the light in his eyes whenever he played. But not only that, it seemed like he was losing the light in his eyes when it came to living his life.

          “Oppa!” I happily said as if to try and distract his attention. I placed the bag down onto the bed hoping to stir some curiosity but he barely even looked my way. “I got you some sweets,” I announced. I sat down on the bed by his feet and began taking out some of the snacks that I had picked up on my way.

          “Minyoung-ah, tell me something,” he said as I placed some of the snacks on the table.

          “What do you want to know?”

          “Write me a letter.”

          “A letter?”

          “Yeah, a letter,” he said placing his guitar by his side. “I want…I want to cheer up a bit today. I’ve been feeling down lately and the only thing that can cure me is another one of your letters.”

          “If it were only that simple,” I found myself sighing but thankfully it didn’t seem like Jinyoung heard me. “Um…anyway, what kind of letter do you want?”

          “I don’t know,” he said with a small smile. “I just feel like anything you say would cheer me up really.”

          I stared at him to collect my thoughts for a little while. What should I say? Surely it should be something that would cheer him up since he asked for it but I was kind of embarrassed about saying those types of things in front of him, that was why I’d rather write a letter to him. It was like the suggestion that he gave me when I had first written one for my mother. He had compared writing a letter to writing a song, it was a way of being able to say something that you wouldn’t normally be able to say aloud. Heartfelt words that you wanted to say, that you wanted to express to the other person. But doing it in front of him, it was kind of weird.

          “Jinyoung-oppa,” I slowly began and looked down at my hands so I could spare myself the embarrassment I would feel if I looked at his face directly. “You know that I love you, right? You know that the time that I’ve spent with you thus far has been the happiest time of my life, right? You know that I don’t regret meeting you, right? You are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me, the best person that I have ever met, the best companion a person could ask for.” I slowly looked up to find Jinyoung smiling with the goofiest grin that I had ever seen, it was as if he had gone back to himself for a moment. “I hope you always remember those things, always remember the times we spent together and how precious you are to me. I don’t want that to ever change, ever. I love you Jung Jinyoung, that one thing will never change.”

          I finished what I had to say and quickly brought the bag, which came with the snacks, to my face to shield my further embarrassment. I felt hands slowly lower the bag from my face and I felt arms come around me. “Yah, you’re going to hurt yourself,” I found myself instinctively saying. He had felt weak the past couple of weeks or so. I didn’t want him to potentially injure himself.

          “Just stay like that, three minutes, no, two minutes,” he sighed. “I think I’m all better. Thank you, Minyoung.” Jinyoung slowly pulled away from the hug and kissed my forehead. “I love you.”

          That was really the last time I saw him, though, the last time I talked to him. The next day was full of various testing that wore him out, so I was only really able to briefly stop by before he went to sleep. And the day after that I was going to stop by after work, but I never got to. Instead, I left work early to the frantic calls of Shinwoo who told me to go to the hospital immediately, as fast as I could.

          By the time I arrived, it was already too late. I was already too late. Jinyoung was gone.

          I sunk to the floor of the hospital the moment I heard the news and just cried. I don’t know for how long but it was definitely a while. I just sat there and silently cried while Shinwoo sat down next to me. Both of us unable to anything. Both of us unable to accept the reality.