Seventeen years later...

    Kai lunged at me, his movement lightning fast. Swords retracted taut to his center, he attacks unwavering. But I’m accustomed to his relentless technique and honor. He never wavers in a fight not even against his best friend, not even if she’s a girl. 

    I’ve been training along side him for all my life. His father the local blacksmith, was an old war veteran who still longed for the olden times and trained his son strictly day in and day out. A good swordsman he is, a sloppy father back home, Kai could only face him when their training hard down by the creek.

    I met Kai in church, a week after we moved into town. My father despite being a nomad was a faithful church goer. I had only been ten years old then and yet I’ve been to almost every part of the known land and with that every church from North to South. We never stay put in one place. At least that was back then. Now, I’m seventeen and finally had a place to call home and kids my age to call life-long friends. And that's where Kai comes a long. We’ve been best friends ever since.

    I turned my heel in defense ready to accept the blow. I know he lags after a drag of his sword from above him but today, he looks different, refreshed that I wasn't surprise when he pushed my sword with much more force making me step back once, twice unable to hold my stance. I break away knowing there’s no chance for me to overpower him as he towers over me like a beast. Shocking revelation, it's like he's gained powers ten folds over night. It made me wonder.

“You’ve been practicing.” I congratulate him. It was my turn to break away and change my technique. He’s reading me through and through and I can't have that.

“You’re lag... It is almost gone... I’m impressed.” I said panting through the words. Sincerely I was. I know he’s been working on that problem for months now. But I guess his physical training, lifting and all, has helped him as well. 

“Well, thank you, My Lady.” He replies, a big grin on his face as he advances towards me yet again. Our swords clank as I blocked him mid-air.

“Ugh! Don’t call me that” I grunted. If there is something I hate in this world, it is to be called ‘Lady’ Not that I warrant such a namesake. But still I rather be called by my name than my rank in society.

“What? You’re going to say you’re no lady? Well, lemme' just beat you to it and stop this confusion you try to hide behind from. You are a girl whether you like it or not.” He peered down seeming to point at two budding discomforts on my chest that's trying to claw it's way out of my binding. I grunted not wanting his erted eyes on me like I'm just a piece of meat. I pushed him off me but his sword had gained more ground and in seconds he had me flying from brute force I have never felt from him before. 

“Who says I’m hiding?” I winced at the ache on my shoulders. Sharp ache from the surprising jolt. I recovered and hunched over keeping my center of gravity closer to the ground but my eyes just darted to my chest and I realize he is right. Not even my binding, which I've often used for many years now for training had succeeded in covering my endowment.

"I told you." He chided noticing my quick realization.

"Shut up, Kai. And stop checking me out. I am not one of your ty girls that would be bent over your whim." I snarled.

"Bent over my whim? Where do you come up with these things? What have you in that pretty little head of yours?"

Pretty. I don't feel pretty especially in a sparring circle with a boy I've known all my life and who seemed to never realize my being a girl unless to spite. Pretty he says but I know all too well. The mockery in his voice says it all. He's making fun of me trying to get under my skin. I shook his words away and trailed stepping sideways looking for an opening. It's gotten harder somehow. It's not Kai to jest about my looks and my being a girl. The unpredictability of my friend had me more clouded than how suddenly different he fought. 

“Yes, you are Kim Hei-Ran. Or do you think—” Kai tried to say but my full name called with that much mockery was a hit below the belt and he knows it. 

"I know I'm a girl Kai, you don't have to rub it in my face." I hissed at him.

"I wasn't talking about that." He grinned menacingly and I would've missed it if not for the little chortle under his breath as he noticed my realization of what he truly was talking about. 

     My eyes darkened and blurred with anger and it didn’t matter whether I was about to jab into an opening or not. I was going for it and he’ll be damned if he doesn’t defend himself. I’m not going to hold back now. The dark shadows in my face must’ve scared him because as soon as he saw me coming, Kai danced to the side and skidded away. And with all the certainty in the world, I could've sworn Kai dropped his sword in purpose to catch me, colliding with my shoulder and arms pushing me to widen my stance and pinning me against the big oak. 

“Ren Stop!” He cries out to me. And it was all it took for me to regain my sanity before a knee jerked to his groin as he somehow had unknowingly placed his hands one on my shoulder and another on my chest, a hairs-breadth away from what would be my . I gasped in shock. We've sparred many times before never minding each other's touch like this. But as of late, I've been more aware of him and his lingering hands that seems to end up in the most distinct of places. The way he holds me tight and menacingly in intent to hurt me,  but still cradling me, afraid that I'd shatter if he lingered too much. Simply, he brought about a weird something inside me that makes me more aware of his presence.  I find it annoying as it clouds my every being and I suddenly can't concentrate when needed most. 

    I can still remember the first time I've finally realized my awareness. It was right after training around my 12th or so birthday. We'd been sparring by the creek when he suddenly undressed with no hesitation as we both usual do as kids playing down by the water too hot in the summer day. We had been kids before that. But at that very moment, I had unknowingly crossed a line changing many things I believed and perceived. I can still remember the way my face flushed, heat rising to my cheeks, me reaching to it like I would've been able to cup it and hide it in my pocket.  He had called my name a couple of times to join him and when I didn't, he emerged from the water with all his bare glory of 14. Teen. He suddenly looked different then. Like the boy who I've known almost all my life had suddenly became a an older boy just as he emerged with drops of water running down his tanned chest and his hair slicked back on his head. He was smiling at me and I had gasped, covering my face and begging him to dress up. 

"Kai!" I yelped and he startled almost instantly realizing just by the tone of my voice. I slid off of his touch grabbing his arm down and around twisting it behind his back. Now pulling him close to me. Too close that I hadn't realized I was basically panting on his neck. He turned his face too close to mine, his lips too close to mine.

"Ren!" His voice this time breathless and careful, I can almost hear the want to say more, the need to say more at this moment. But then another "Hei-Ran" came out and now this one low and needy, from the entails of a groan, a moan. Kai had just moaned my name and I was close to exploding. It was just too much. Kai, this moment, his hand, his searing touch, everything. Everything was just too much. So without any more hesitation, I turned and spun around bending down to flip him over my back. 

    There was a pause and suddenly it scared me that I might’ve actually hurt him this time. I mean he should’ve known better than to press my sensitivity buttons, my self uncertainties. Suddenly he was grabbing at his shoulders and he’s groaning in pain strangely loud enough for the whole field to hear.

“Owwww!!”

"Kai! Are you okay?" I touched his shoulder momentarily and he began to whine and groan in pain. "Oh my god Kai. I didn't mean to." I began to say. Fear overriding me with what I could've done. The bread maker of their house should've been his father but Kai had shouldered all that responsibility. And now I injured him all because I lost my temper.

"Please...help...me.." he begged still wincing with his voice very harsh. He must really be in pain I thought. 

"How? Tell me? You've hurt that shoulder before." It was his father who had flipped him over and cried in pain when he fell to the ground with a big thump and a crack I could've sworn I heard. 

"Just please before I...just once can you......kiss me?" Absurd, now I know he's pulling my leg.  I pulled on his shoulder more until he yelped in pain and this time he really was in pain. I made sure of that.

    There was a loud gasp before I heard a mottled “Kai!” from behind me calling out to him. I turn around not at all surprise at the new addition. I should’ve known.

“Damn it, Ren. You can take it easy. You know!” A busty girl hisses at me. She’s another one of Kai’s girls, only this one had at least lasted a month. It’s not surprising to find girls practically throwing themselves at Kai. He had grown a lot, far from the skinny and bony kid he used to be. Now, he’s filled in to the brim, but toned as he trained all this time. I’m not even surprise anymore that every fair maiden in the kingdom who knows of his existence wants a piece of him. And he knows it as well, how much he had grown handsome and desirable.

    I shrugged off her disdain turning around instead to pick up my sword off the ground. I hear cooing and massive downpour of useless tears. She’s really worried for Kai as he groans and grabs his shoulder still wincing in pain.  But I know Kai better. He’s basking in the attention and he’s enjoying the view as she slumps over hovering over him with her full inches away from his face. I turn to my right and pick up his sword as well. Sneaking a peek at him to see if he truly is hurt. No sign of pain. Sparring with him for seven years had taught me that when Kai is in pain, he hides and he shuts down. Not this overly acting display. But that’s his charm I guess. The women fall for his manliness and his ability to soften in the arms of a woman. Pretending to give in, lowering down his defenses as he make the women feel in control despite his obvious power and advantage over them. It seems to work with all of them. Thus, he enjoys the showered affection.

“Does it really hurt?” She dotes some more and it earns her a pouty “Uh huh!”

    I began walking away but Kai’s voice stopped me in my track.

“Hey, where are you going? We’re not done here.”

    I look back to the girl who had her hands all over Kai busying over his sweat with a handkerchief now. She suddenly turned to me narrowing her eyes in intent, pleading for me to answer otherwise. She obviously wants me to leave. I sighed defeated because with all honesty, as his best friend, I've gotten to know my place especially among his women. I soften a bit at the very least glad that he is taken care of. I am not one to envy another woman's man. Though I do envy that they have more poise and grace for their rank, I wonder what would become of me if I had so much as a drop of femininity throughout my yesteryears. 

“It’s okay, you’re all banged up now. Let Eun Ji take care of you. Next time, Kai. I will beat you. So don’t ever hold back ever again.” I frown truly disappointed that he’s been doing just that all this time. The sheer force he used today was nothing I have seen before. I was always told that I was the faster and smarter between the two of us but force is literally my weakness. Just when I thought I had grown as a swordsman, I am back to feeling like a total amateur.

    I walk up the path to the clearing and finally hitting the road to the market. With Kai most likely occupied for the rest of the afternoon and night, I knew this is a good opportunity to work and make some money. I hurried to the docks. Hoping I’d get a job delivering or even hauling supplies and such. It’s hard work painful in the back at times, but I need the money.

    My father had always left me on my own for most of my childhood. He taught me enough basic skills, to survive a whole day by myself as he worked for most of it. He used to work the shipping line by the dock carrying heavy supplies and delivering them all morning. And in the afternoon, he went to the kitchen inside the castle walls as a dishwasher and errand boy. Almost the whole day he’d be gone coming home only for sleep, if you can even call it that. He spent almost five years doing the same labor everyday. Until a year ago, his body finally gave up. Feeling unable to carry anything heavier than a sack of flour, he finally succumbed to having just one job. Now, he works the kitchen in the castle full time still washing dishes and running errands. At least, he’s not responsible for any heavy lifting and such. 

“Ren, you’re early today. Where’s Kai?” A pudgy old man calls out to me.

“Uhm… busy?” And somehow Mr. Park already knew smirking as he made his way to through the shipping lines inside the warehouse. When we finally reached his office, he stops before opening the door. He turns around slow and this time he hesitates to look at my face.

“Listen, Ren. You know it doesn’t matter to me that you’re a girl and all...shipping and stocking up the alehouse. But I seriously have been losing sleep over these past couple of months. You know your father is a good friend of mine and he would really kill me if he finds out I gave you a job here.”

    I exhaled exasperated at the topic of conversation. I feel like almost every week when he sees my father in church, he begins to feel the guilt and we end up having the same conversations come morning after. 

“I know this isn’t you’re only job and if only your father knew you’ve been doing all sorts of job around town, we’ll all be damned to hell by him.”

    He finally focuses on my face and this time there’s something in his eyes that told me I already knew. I already knew this day would come and that after eleven months, everyone would grow tired of me in fear of my dear respected father. 

“This will be the last time you work for me. I mean look at you, Ren. You’re a grown woman now. You should really start taking care of yourself. Take a shower, scrub. Put some perfumed oil and fix your hair. Let it go for once instead of hiding it behind that big hat you’ve worn all your life. Then go out there and find yourself a good husband. Someone who is willing to take care of you. Because, you’re not getting any younger and sure enough, your father would want you settled already. He’s worked hard all his life for you and now’s it’s your turn to take care of him.” He pats my shoulder before turning around and opening his office door.

“Isn’t that why I’m working? To lessen his burden?” I say to myself whispering low enough for him to miss the whole thing completely while he shuffles through the papers in his desk in search of the next batch of order sheets.

“Here you go. Again, I’m sorry, Ren.” Mr. Park finally says sneaking in the pitiful look as he give me two order sheets. I wanted to protest. Two order sheets. Two deliveries right next to each other and may I add right next to my neighborhood. 

What a clever guy.  I thought. So I turn around and scan the warehouse for the row number.

    Two small boxes, the lightest of of them all. If not a women’s ribbon, it could be a sash. It might even be empty for all I know. Still as much as it's too pathetic to take on, I don’t really have any choice.  For money, for my father, I’ll do just about anything. 

    Sunset stills, and I find myself dragging my feet down a lone road. Slowed to listen to the wind chiming against the grass and trees, I take my time walking as I eventually decided to go home.  My hands in the pocket of my trousers, thumbing the few coins I’ve gathered from the delivery, I worry for my father. I know too well he is getting old. Everyday I see it in his face, haggard drags of skin, angry wrinkles around his eyes, it masks everything he once was. I can still remember his handsome more youthful face as he smiled and laughed with me. He’s always been a great father. Albeit, he had me when he was much younger, he’s the only thing I have. Marrying, settling down, it would be the best possible way to secure my future, and his.

“Take a shower, scrub. Put some perfumed oil and fix your hair. Let it go for once instead of hiding it behind that big hat you’ve worn almost all your life. Then go out there and find yourself a good husband.”

    I remember Mr. Parks sincerity ringing through my head. He wasn’t really the first to say it. As I started filling in on the hips and even chest, I’ve had my father’s old friends to always worry about me. Calling me a a budding woman, hoping I’d take more care of myself.

    I reach for my hat and let lose the red long curly hair hiding underneath. It hung loosely up to my waist freeing it for the first time after so many years. Shaking it to settle freely on my head, I run through to it to smooth it out.

“You should let your hair down more often.” A voice startles me up ahead. It was Kai sitting under a tree playing with his dagger as he usually does when he’s thinking.

I shrug away his comment deciding instead to peer into my suspicion. 

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at Eun Ji’s place or in the back of some dark alley doing god know what you two do?”

    He looks back down at his dagger and became serious. Rolling it in his palm, he looked anxious, deep in thought about something. Pressing his lips tight as if scared of what he’s about to say, I had to talk again to shake away the trouble he has. Something tells me, Eun Ji’s turn had ended. The longest to ever stay with him, I am truly shocked this time around. She was starting to grow on me and I was starting to think he wanted to settled down.

“With how long she stayed, I thought surely, you’d be settling down soon.” I lowered my head now walking slowly closer to him.

    The words shook him in his spot, and he turned instantly to look at me. Shock, contempt, there was something in his glare that surprised me. It halted my feet to a stop unable to look away as I try to find what it really is he wanted to say. And time passed and we were left unmoved. Looking at each other as if holding back something or finding the words lost in between what should be said and what’s should not. It paralyzed me. Why in his thoughtful face, I couldn’t look away. So I didn’t and neither did he. 

    He stands up, not breaking the connection at all. Face dropping to a frown, I can see pain that I’ve never seen before. He takes a step closer to me and his face softens more and he trudged intently my way. One step, and another and another, and finally at arms length away, he suddenly stops. Eyes still trained on mine. 

“I—“ jaw clenched and mouth rigid, Kai began to speak. But this time his voice is far from the confident and arrogant boy I’ve always known.

“I’m never settling down.” And suddenly, he reaches for my face and frowns deeper as he cupped my cheek.

    I gasped with the sudden touch.  Heart racing as all I can feel is the warmth of his hand and the shaking of his nervous hands, I suddenly couldn’t calm my own reserve. Then the moment ended and he pulls away from me, breaking our eye contact and turning his face away. 

“You’re father needs you home urgently.”

    And the sudden mention of his name had jolted me awake and suddenly I bolted into a run. The last time, I heard something like it, it had been a year ago when he apparently fainted with fatigue during work in the castle. It had been Kai who delivered the message to me too and he had the same look in his eyes back then as he did just now. Sorrow-filled, eyes now overflowing with pity and fear,

Now, I understand why. I thought to myself shaking the confusion away from his uncharacteristic actions earlier. I don’t know why I started to feel disappointed. Somehow I felt that it had been different and that there were more to his words and everything else that was left unsaid all because of the way he looked and touched me. I pushed harder and faster, worried what I would find when I get home. 

“Oh dear father, please be okay. I don’t know what I would do. I don’t know what will become of me if you leave me here alone.”

    And the sudden realization hit me. This is what Mr. Park was talking about. This is what he meant when he said my father only wanted to be taken care of. He wanted me to settle so I wouldn’t be alone. So someone would take care of me when the time comes and he is gone. 

“Oh please father, I am not yet ready. Please. Please....” And I run faster tears running furiously down my cheeks at a race. Telling myself that I need to rethink my life choices now. I am no longer a child and I need to start thinking of the future. I unconsciously ball my fists trying to hold on to my last resolve. It seems that whatever I find at home, I just know that my whole life would change in an instant. 

a/n: Hello friends! Gosh how long has been since I last
wrote anything in AFF. Many things changed. I too 
lost my drive and courage to write and post. However, 
it's been a while now that I've been itching to write. I hope
this story moves you in a way only my story does as usual.
Hope you all enjoy it as I have enjoyed trying to write it. 
Thank you for reading.