22nd October, 2011 (Diary Excerpt)

    How many atoms does it take to form a single star? And how many stars does it take to form a galaxy? The universe seemed so vast & huge, it scared me. I never asked to be here. My existence felt as unimportant as usual, each breath i take serving as a wastage of oxygen. How many cuts will it take for me to die?

    It has never been easy for me. To be alive felt like a punishment on my restless mind, as it constantly overworks itself on the most pointless things. I've always envied those people who could remain optimistic even during their lowest points in life. Perhaps it was the way they were educated, or some part of their brain that secreted extra hormones. I used to be the same when i was a kid, laughing and screaming at the smallest yet most beautiful things in life. I was i could stay as a 5-year-old kid and not have to grow up. 

    Growing up meant to realize the ugly side of fairy tales and to participate in being a vilian in many cases where you don't get the choice. I never signed up for this life. I'd go to bed, but my mind wouldn't stop twisting and turning in directions, bringing me to places i never want to return to. It felt like i was constantly falling, into a pit of despair, without knowing where the end was. I even wished the end would just come, so everything could stop. This may sound selfish, but if i had the privilege of dying, nothing around me, no one in particular, would matter anymore than a stranger to me. No one has ever gave me the reason to want to continue living, and i doubt anyone ever will.

    It was the same thing, even after i joined YG. Perhaps music was the only thing that got closest to being the reason i was alive. It spoke to me in ways people never did, and took me into its arms when everyone else had their own problems to attend to. Music was my selfless companion, the little haven i went to whenever i felt lost. But with it came a lot of burden