a/n: tbh this isn't about wenrene/to satisfy wenrene feels (it's pretty obvious it isn't) it's a personal post that I can't put on my blog because I think it is too personal for my friends (ironically this is shown to you guys who bother to read this lol). anyway, if you read this, thanks & have a good day ahead :)

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someone manages to put me on the verge of tears everytime I look at her face.

it's a funny feeling, maybe, this sour nauseating feeling that churns in my stomach, the back of my throat tastes like steel, my eyes so swollen all ready to burst fresh tears.

at first I think it's because I know of her circumstances. deemed disadvantaged, meeting in conditions where I act as a beneficiary, attempt to lessen her struggle while knowing fully well the vicious cycle of poverty and corruption, and she's only a child. I look into her eyes think I see sorrow, maybe gratitude for wasting my time to fly a thousand miles or to simply allow myself to relish a nobler ambition. when I leave I cry and I tell myself it's because I couldn't alleviate her problems, not even a bit.

then I realize my subconscious pricks incessantly into my conscious; it's because I know and she knows of our circumstances.

everytime I cry out that sour scrunched up feeling I know it's only because we are asphyxiated by transience. so fleeting, yet throws weight upon us like anchors. time as its slave, crushes us with its incessant going forward, making our days together feel like hours, hours feel like days and we become slaves of it, lusting after time and we grow so so weary. time does not stop and we are never enough. even if you wrap your arm around me and push your nose against the blade of my shoulder, even if we curl our hands beneath the sheets and let our legs intertwine like vines, the clock ticks on and turns what we have made whole into sand that slips past us way too easily. so you look at me with glazed eyes and your muffled sobs don't go unnoticed underneath the sheets. sadness is contagious, more so when two people craves fit each other like puzzle pieces, and I squeeze your hand, tighter, tighter now, maybe this will stop time for a bit.

but tears still trickle down and I bite my lips hard i taste iron in my mouth so I can be the "stronger" one (yet I will never be strong enough).

someone always manages to put me on the brink of tears everytime I look at her face, because I promised a forever and transience is permanent.