on the last night we sat gazing at the stars, with the irrepressible fact that tomorrow i would no longer be physically beside her lingering on every inch of our skin, clawing and scratching. it was eating me apart but i had no choice, it was true i had to leave in due time.

we tried to fight against the demon sitting on our shoulders as we felt ourselves slowly sink into the soft sand, the demon stabbing the hard truth of my impending departure unrelenting as we remained motionless.

maybe if we sat still enough time would stop for us.

but the waves still crashed against the shore, slowly reducing pebbles into their finer counterparts. the stars above us continued to burn brightly, burn ignorantly.

the worst thing about loss is not loss itself but the deliberate knowledge of the imminent loss. she knew, i knew i would be gone when dawn broke, when the yellow of the sun began to spill over the sea, bringing hope and the promise of a new day to everyone. everyone but us.

i might be exaggerating because tomorrow indeed was filled with opportunities – she was going to start a new fantastic second year at seoul university majoring in aesthetics and i, well i was flying to canada because i had the lucky opportunity of being accepted for an exchange programme there. i was exhilarated, i wanted to see how much things have changed since i left canada to come to korea, tagging along with my father who was transferred/promoted/(insert whatever business jargon) to the korea headquarters in his company.

yet exhilaration did not eradicate the unerasable truth that you would be leaving your girlfriend behind for 6 months. the exhilaration to view the skyline of toronto, the hockey games and the royal alexandra theatre is not enough to overrule her hand in mine, her fingertips pressing tightly against the back of my palms. i sighed, the sacrifices we had to make in our daily lives.

i rubbed my thumb against her hand assuringly, my eyes blinked up towards her side profile. the things i would miss. she slowly turned to face me and my eyes traced the softness of her radiant eyes, down to the sharpness of her nose, down to her plump red-tinted lips, the smooth curve of her neck to her shoulderblades... the things i would miss.

"is there something on my face?" her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"beauty"

i scrunched my nose in secret disgust at my tacky replies and she grips my hand tightly – "owwwwww–" suddenly her hands were wrapped around my shoulders, encircling me in a suffocating hug as she rested her head on my shoulder. i felt her breathing against my neck. suffocating hugs were better than no hugs (for the next 6 months). it was only then i realized how much i was going to miss her; this would fade into a mere memory, a figment of my imagination when i was 5290 miles from her, scrambling for her touch, dealing with my insecurities and the crushing loneliness.

"i'm going to miss you"

and in that moment i wished i could take the words she breathed out and transform them into something tangible, like coins that would continue to jingle in my pocket, always casting their existence upon me.

i pulled her a little closer, just a little, and i felt our bodies meld into one. i tried to impress my fingers onto her back, mindlessly tracing the words i love you on it and these words were not written with ink. they couldn't be seen but i prayed, i wrote it with love so i prayed she never forgets.

in a last desperate attempt for her to remember me i whipped out a friendship band i took ing ages too complete (yes because i'm that romantic, rather, that hopeless for a particular miss bae joohyun). the blue threads were interwoven with purple ones in a tedious arrangement to create a pattern of infinity signs. i push her away (almost earning a scowl and slap from her) before i salvaged myself by reaching her ankle and tying the band around it.

"please don't cry you're gonna make me sob too"

i said to try and lighten things up. she pinched me with her tears threading painfully on the edge of her lower lids and i placed my palms on her cheeks, reaching out to wipe the tears that had begun to fall with my thumbs.

i knelt, placed a kiss on her forehead, took in her unique scent – strawberries and aloe vera. i breathed in deeply and hoped it diffuses into my veins and remained.

we both looked back to the stars, with her sitting between my legs, my arms around her waist, her head leant back against my shoulder. there were no clear constellations in sight tonight, but that's alright –

the clearest constellation was (and will always be) the one in her eyes.

---

and so we learnt to adapt to living with a half of ourselves missing. i grew to learn that living without the extra pair of arms that made your coffee in the morning meant waking up a little earlier to brew your own drink that was never as tasty. i grew to learn that living without the extra pair of legs that kicked you off the bed in the middle of the night ‘due to midnight hyperactive tendencies’ meant not having bruises on your waist in the morning. that  meant going about your daily activities without a vivid reminder that there was someone who shared with you your dreams as you drifted off to sleep every night. i grew to learn that living without the lips you have grown so used to relishing meant constantly missing the taste of strawberry-flavoured lip balm that stained your own, oddly but constantly missing the feeling of bruised lips. most importantly, i grew to learn that living without your entire other half meant clutching cold bed-sheets and reaching for a poor substitute of a blanket instead of body heat for warmth.

this was also when i learnt about the fallibility of language. as Arnold puts it, reality is “problematically mediated by language and textuality”, and so i learnt how the countless times our texts, facebook messages, twitter direct messages and letters were not a perfect reflection of our true feelings. i knew then that the only true access would be to return home –

home is where the heart is, they say,

returning to joohyun would be the most comforting; the firmness of her arms, the smoothness of her hair, and all the things i miss about her. the way she would massage my temples after a long day at school, the way she would link her arm around mine as we walked to school together, the way she would kiss me on my cheek before we parted ways – this, this is love, i thought. because words were never enough.

love is the manifestation of all that is physical, all that is action, all that was not here now with me.

i was never too patient as i crossed out the dates on my calendar, awaiting the homecoming to my heart.

sometimes (most times) i hoped she was cradling it with the most immense sentimentality, the same way i cradled hers. sometimes (most times) i hoped she was looking at her ankle and wondering about a forever, a forever with me.

 i did not think i could have missed her more.

---

and so the same way we had dreaded my departure, time would still mercilessly travel forward; i find myself looking around my apartment, back to its empty condition as when I had just moved in, my luggage all packed again. time reminds us, then, that no waiting is a final one.

it was time to go home.

---

i’m running towards the small girl with a big stupid signboard that screams “welcome home son (of a ) seunghwan” and i’m panting gasping for air as i lug my luggage and I’m in front of her and all i can see are all the stars in her eyes – the same glow, the glow that radiated the warmth i had craved and missed for the past 6 months.

i pull her in hold her tight and breathe in deeply. i feel her scent diffuse into my veins again but it doesn’t matter now, i know it will remain for a very long time.

in the hustle and bustle of the airport crowd, i feel our bodies meld into one again and relief washes over me because i know the impending arrival of infinity.

we finally release our hold on each other but i still have my arms around her neck and i see her smile, bright-eyed,

"the next time you go off to canada again you're bringing me there"

(no, no way am i leaving you again) i chuckled, "why should i?"

she rests her forehead against mine and grins

"the next time you go off to canada you're gonna bring me there to marry me."