a/n: (tl;dr) so i started writing this on the bus from london to leiceister which took ages because it was caught in a jam, but it was incomplete. basically im in the uk for an exchange programme & i was busy checking into my dorm & settling down (with all the parties lol). i finally took a break & got down to completing this piece, which had me tingling in excitement because i really enjoyed writing this (esp after seeing seuldy casually hold hands talking about their unemployment in weekly idol <3). no, i wasn't inspired to write this because of my roommate, btw, although she's absolutely gorgeous & super nice. :p so yeah, i hope you guys are doing fine & i was wondering if any of yall felt like seulgi in this story because i do, you know, the whole can't-feel-anything-amazing which makes me come across as aual/aromantic. i've been in love before (id like to think it was love) so this emptiness is interesting & sometimes very appealing, & i do think i will face the dilemma seulgi faces here. let me know your thoughts about your own experiences or this story! & thank you for reading, as always <3

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it's been awhile since seulgi has felt something, at least since she's moved into her dorm and met her roommate, wendy. all along, seulgi has trotted by like a horse pulling a carriage, with blinkers on, not noticing its sides, only looking straight, blindly pulling what's behind. not that seulgi has had a lot of burden to carry to begin with, but she had made the conscious choice to dive into the bliss of ignorance & reticence. what she pulled was merely the light weights of a student's usual burdens — getting through college & meeting the expectations of one's parents. she did decently in her work, which made her parents less stringent on her, unlike the others who had parents surprising them at their dorm rooms & checking up on them. basking in young adult freedom & yet still tasting the sweet taste of being able to shirk responsibility at times was a privilege seulgi took seriously. nonetheless, all was done with little feeling, that is, she could have all the fun she wanted & still returned feeling empty, like a gorge in the desert. but seulgi accepted it; life if filled with all its superficiality could not always complete her afterall. moreover, she still had the freedom & power to create her own water mirages, & did not have to deal with what people termed "sappy emotions" whenever unfortunate circumstances happened, that including crushes & possible rejections & heartbreaks.

but then there's wendy. wendy who entered the creaking door of their dorm, heaving from all the things she lugged from canada, still putting in effort to catch her breath & bid hello to her new roommate, or what seulgi remembers as wendy saying, "hey my new best friend". there's wendy, who wakes up early to prepare breakfast because seulgi's too lazy to do it, & would rather skip breakfast than toast 2 pieces of bread. there's wendy, who vacuums the floor whenever seulgi's not around because seulgi doesnt like seeing strands of hair all over their floor. sure, seulgi argues she would've done it herself, but wendy seems to always be a step faster. there's wendy, the dawn of a new day, b with newness & wonder.

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there's wendy, who gets the hint that seulgi is not a sappy emotional girl who will cry over a movie like the notebook, much less over a boy (but seulgi's never crushed on one either to prove it) so she sits seulgi on their worn out couch & watches fast & furious with hot chocolate.

the movie is rolling up its credits & wendy yawns a little, inching closer to seulgi & tests the waters by laying just a fraction of her temple on seulgi's shoulder. seulgi doesnt react (so she thinks, doesnt feel the very slight tensing at her triceps) & wendy hums the song she catches seulgi singing everytime she's her earphones plugged on & doing her homework.

"seul"

"yeah?"

"do you think there's any reason why you havent liked anyone before?"

"aual, or aromantic, maybe." seulgi replies, deadpanned, doesn't realize she has her thumb shading invisible lines on the back of wendy's palm ever since wendy placed her head on her shoulder.

"have you ever tried, though, i mean, to like someone?"

"i would, but i have to feel something out of the ordinary first right?"

“mmm, i guess" wendy is mindlessly swiping her fingers left & right lightly on seulgi's thigh, as if they are the windshield wipers clearing out the mist.

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there's wendy, who she catches in her room sometimes, the air a little heavy & her glasses are fogged up & cheeks stained with hot tears. she tries not to eavesdrop, but they're still "best friends" afterall, & she can feel nothing for all she wants, but she realizes she wants wendy to feel nothing but happiness.

she knocks on her door, peeps shyly through the little crack where wendy thinks she's got the door locked shut.

"you ok there?"

wendy tries to stifle her sob, "yeah," but wendy is opposite from seulgi & accidentally releases a hiccup from crying too much.

"s-sorry, i just missed home a bit."

seulgi suddenly feels like she's being dragged forward by some invincible force & she's sitting side by side against wendy, so close their thighs touch. wendy turns to her side & hugs seulgi, & seulgi's hands are uselessly flexing at her sides, (but i am trying, she thinks). her eyes glance around, mindlessly taking in wendy's room — her neat, cleaned-out table with the wall pasted with polaroids of her family, friends in canada, their first day in the dorm, her ("i need to show people who my pretty roommate is, wendy chirps), stationery laid nicely on top of her books, her trusty elizabeth arden fragrance at the corner.  awhile later, her arm shifts, lightly wraps the small of wendy's back, hopes she is rubbing it soothingly as she plans it out in her head. the air gets a little heavier as wendy & seulgi stay like this for quite awhile, but seulgi thinks the fog may have cleared up a little.

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there's wendy, who clears out the mist, makes seulgi see the light more clearly & smile more easily at the clarity. there's wendy, who clenches seulgi's heart a little tighter she can feel the blood run up her fingertips, run so hard the only way she can stop it is to pin wendy against the wall & let her know again & again, "maybe you're the exception".

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& yet there are days where seulgi thinks she's ed up, because she's been living like this for so long & she's not too sure if she wants to fill the emptiness of her soul with love, & highly possible heartbreak. love is not eternal, she understands, & has seen the broken pieces of people's hearts litter the world & she's not too sure if she wants pieces of her lying around like that, since she has all along been stepping around carelessly, it wasn't her heart to begin with anyway.

she can't decide what to sacrifice — happiness with a chance of heartbreak or an unbreakable soul, & she's frustrated, because usually the answer is obvious. the egoistical part of her doesn't like knowing there's a part of her that might break, so she chooses to stay seated on the fence & goes out into the youth of the night to forget.

---

she remembers all the times she has chosen this as an outlet, the loud music, the thumping beats & too-close alcohol-induced bodies of strangers against her who probably are there to try & feel something in their empty lives. seulgi's long past that. afterall, the temporary high in exploring another's body under stark white sheets at a dingy hotel will fade off when the sunlight burns the back of her eyelids, so it's no use being addicted to a temporary rush.

nonetheless, it's an outlet to forget about wendy for awhile, & ironically, maybe a clear mind (with some alcohol involved) can help her make a better decision.

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her body throbs together with the music that is blasting too loudly from speakers surrounding the dance floor b with people, soulless bodies grasping at a chance of ecstasy. the smoke machine is releasing bouts of fumes that smell a lot like the shisha pipes at bars seulgi frequents & everything is hazy, that's good, she thinks, the dilemma less apparent in her head.

(or so she thinks.)

seulgi's moved on to a girl who looks ethereal in the dark & smoke, grips her by her waist & dances closely behind her, but all that swirls in her mind is how small wendy's back is, how easily it would be to engulf her in all of seulgi's warmth, how easily seulgi can shield her from an oncoming bullet, & the smell of shisha & the girl's heavy perfume only serve to remind seulgi how she loves the fresh detoxifying smell of green tea & cherry blossom.

her face is scrunched up, a last shot at pushing it at the back of her mind, but it is stubborn, & she unconsciously whispers, "wendy".

the girl holds seulgi's hands that are gripping her waist & turns her head slightly to see the edge of seulgi's sharp jawline & worried face, smiles a small smile, like she's known what was going all along, like she's known what her motive in appearing in seulgi's life was in just 15 minutes.

"i don't think you should be here," she merely says, grips seulgi's hands & removes them from her waist, & then disappears in the haze.

---

seulgi wobbles back, in the hazy realization what her mind & heart have chosen, cannot control her movements & accidentally slams the dorm room close a little too loudly.

"seul?"

wendy is walking out from her room from the noise, seulgi sees her roommate in all her somnolent glory — the stray strands of hair that stand messily from when wendy fidgets in her sleep, her oversized shirt just casually sliding off her shoulders & her eyes squeezing open & close to adjust to her sudden waking.

seulgi presses herself against the wall, trying to get a grip. as if having a drunken revelation is not enough, seeing wendy in this state is compelling her to just kiss wendy & prove to the latter she's not that drunk at all, that the fog has cleared afterall & yes, yes, she's finally felt it: the out of the ordinary urge to make someone happy, to protect & kiss, yes, definitely kiss.

but wendy only moves closer to her, cups seulgi's flushed cheeks. "are you ok? do you want a glass—"

she doesn't get a chance to finish her sentence when seulgi fills wendy's mouth with wordless expressions of her feelings — these inexplicable feelings she has never felt before swirling passionately in her stomach, surging past her heart & toppling into wendy's mouth. she feels so, so alive as she pulls wendy closer, thumb dragging a line up her jaw as she kisses wendy with all of her her lips start to hurt a little, but it's ok — she's never felt such a good kind of pain before.

a good kind of pain that can be easily forgotten if wendy is kissing her back, tongue brushing her lower lip, grasping both her cheeks now, on the tips of her toes, her torso absolutely melting into seulgi's.

wendy pulls away, panting, & seulgi is vaguely reminded of the panting on their first day moving into the dorm. she chuckles softly, eyes in complete adoration at the girl in front of her. wendy looks back up at her, tilts her head to the side, eyes darting to the floor before saying,"you're probably not going to remember this in the morning."

"i will," & it's true, because it feels as if wendy's kissed the alcohol right out of seulgi, & everything is clearer than ever.

wendy raises an eyebrow, wondering how can her drunk roommate return home stumbling & suddenly speak with such sober confidence, but seulgi pulls her in by her waist, looks longingly into wendy's eyes.

"i feel out of the ordinary, wendy."