A/N: if red velvet comes back then so must i, right? XD short random piece inspired by snippets of this fanvid https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BaI26MS3RnE&list=LLkfhz6WRE-AFMq88JICPy_g
thanks for reading & supporting even though i MIA-ed for a bit :')

also im on twitter now! @bloodscrolls

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Joohyun notices, tries hard not to be obvious but ends up always coming a little closer. It starts like this: she first hears of a trainee who sings beautifully, from Canada, they say, and wonders how beautiful it must be until she walks past one of the practice rooms one day and listens. She presses her ears against the cold wood of the door, sees a glimpse of ash brown hair through the slit of the small door window and a melodious voice rings past the enclosed space, a muted melody that travels into Joohyun’s space and she tenses a little at the inevitable rivalry that is to come with yet another talented trainee, but relaxes a little at the fact the girl on the other side of the door sings with her heart, like she hasn’t gotten sick of singing the way Joohyun sometimes had after years and years of training that kept resulting in unfulfilled dreams.

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The rivalry is unfounded when four trainees stand side by side, hands stiff while Joohyun’s fingers can’t help but fidget and tap on her thighs in the CEO’s office. It’s a little overwhelming, at first, finally hearing news of their debut together and their upcoming schedules which include endless practices. But Seungwan’s inside, and Joohyun’s heaves a tiny sigh of relief as she thinks about how Wendy’s voice will be a great element to their team.

Everyone sees Seungwan as Red Velvet’s happy pill, with funny but cute memes generated barely days after their debut. Joy mocks her unnie, albeit lovingly, constantly re-enacting her actions and faces that always come out too exaggerated on national television. Seulgi finds the pair entertaining and sits back, soaking it all in and takes it as a form of breather after schedules end after dusk.

“Seungwan unnie, just look at your face. A true derp,” Joy cackles, scrolling through an abundant amount of sources online.

Seulgi acts as some form of endorser, closely watching what Joy scrolls through, humming approvingly along before bursting into laughter when she finds a meme of their beloved Seungwan unnie that tops all other derpy memes of her.

Joohyun the back of Seungwan’s head absent-mindedly, gently laughing along to their antics while Seungwan whines a little, “I can’t help it”. Joohyun of course knows she can’t help it, Seungwan is pure and kind and all things sunshine, and always wants to be her best belting out high notes during Happiness. Of course she can’t help it if she ends up looking less than fantastic on camera while trying to be expressive as she sings. Of course Joohyun notices Seungwan trying so hard to be perfect – Joohyun notices her from dawn to dusk.

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Joohyun notices Seungwan on terrible and tired days. She knows Seungwan has been suffering from vocal nodules even before their debut, and sees her struggling when she is unable to hit certain notes, or when her vibratos and falsettos are less than perfection when they were practicing for their debut. She sees Seungwan hang her head (in what Joohyun thinks is shame, oh poor Seungwan), close to defeat, and Joohyun wants to hold her close and remind her that it’s only human to be broken, adding on “like having your voice break” as a joke, lightly nudging Seungwan’s shoulder to ease the tension, to ease the lines on her forehead that look a lot like the worry lines of failure. Seungwan edges out a small laugh, just to appease Joohyun, which Joohyun knows too well already is done likely out of pressure – Seungwan doesn’t ever want anyone else to worry over her, that it is her own problem to deal with (“we all have our own problems, unnie, you don’t have to be here, I will be ok,”) but that’s the thing Seungwan doesn’t see, Joohyun wants to be with Seungwan, because everyone thinks Seungwan is a hero, but Joohyun sees worry lines and perspiration and bruised knees, and soft sniffles and even heroes need a hug sometimes. So she does what she thinks she does best – she pulls her broken hero in for an embrace.

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It is when they go on shows and the members reveal how much of a sweetheart Wendy is, especially when Yeri joins the team, that Joohyun wants to keep Seungwan close to her forever. Everyone reveals what a talent Seungwan is – Wendy who is entertaining and funny on shows, willing to shed her dignity for laughs, Wendy who speaks Spanish, gets an almost perfect GPA, plays an array of instruments and everyone absolutely fawns over Seungwan’s baking skills and Joohyun already knows, has given the approval stamp that she would make the perfect girlfriend and wife. But behind the perfection Seungwan exudes Joohyun doesn’t forget Seungwan is still flesh and bones, with salt for tears and iron for blood and sometimes they aren’t enough to get rid of the pain of bruises during dance practices and even more insufficient to fix a vocal cord that has been over-exerted for years and will continue to do so.

Because besides the strong husky voice on live music shows, Joohyun is also privy to the raspy voice that breaks intermittently during rehearsals, and she has to come running over with honey to soothe a throat that is always trying so hard for others.

“I’m fine,” Seungwan says, a small smile to dilute the worry in Joohyun’s eyes, but Joohyun can hear her breathlessness and engulfs her in a hug. Seungwan chokes a little on her honey water, a foot going back quickly to stop the force of the hug from making her fall over. “Unnie,” she chuckles, “what are you doing?”

“Hugging you,”

“I know, but why?”

Joohyun doesn’t reply and knows Seungwan is saying random things to forget the fact that Joohyun is worried about her and she has yet again made her leader worry unnecessarily. Silence covers them but it calms the atmosphere down and Seungwan smiles into the small of Joohyun’s shoulder and Joohyun heaves a sigh of relief.

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Seungwan notices, but tries to pretend she doesn’t. On chilly winter mornings they leave for another country. Her hair is still a little damp from her early morning shower, and she feels a little like death. The lack of sleep masked by heavy BB cream, thick mascara and lip tint don’t do much to make up for the fatigue she feels and the winter winds exacerbate her feelings of weariness. But she still puts up a smile for her fans who wait for her at the entrance of the airport once dawn breaks. The chill has started to set in as the season started to change, and Seungwan’s skin is barely getting used to the dryness of winter. She turns to tell Joohyun about how it’s suddenly gotten colder, like the chill set in too suddenly, as if autumn has been already long forgotten but Joohyun steps closer and smiles, her right hand reaching for Seungwan’s chin as Seungwan’s breath hitches. Almost suddenly she feels cold fingernails rake gently against her own chin, “your skin is dry, Seungwan,” and Seungwan nervously laughs, her nerves suddenly rattling against her bones. Just cold, she thinks, tries to pretend the cold in Joohyun’s hands are not sending a new kind of chill down her spine.

Seungwan notices the increased frequency of Joohyun staring at her and brushes it off as one of those dazed moments that members tease Seulgi for always having. She tells herself that Joohyun is probably just tired, dazing off in the direction that just so happens to be Seungwan’s and that’s it, nothing more. But it’s hard to constantly be convinced in performance halls where everyone is cheering, fans and idols alike, along to the loud music blasting from surround-sound speakers. Seungwan remembers being her playful self, singing along to a song and trying to win Joohyun’s attention over with her muted voice under blaring speakers and a finger reaches over to bring Joohyun closer to her. It’s hard to be convinced that Joohyun is dazed at that moment when she reacts, turns slowly to face Seungwan, eyes wide with an admiration that makes Seungwan slightly shiver in her seat, and reaches over to slightly cup Seungwan’s jaw in order for Seungwan to look back at Joohyun. She can feel her own strands of hair fluttering against her own face and between Joohyun’s fingers and the direct eye contact with her leader naturally makes her smile because her leader is so, so beautiful, and so nerve-wracking she has to laugh it off, slightly pull away before she loses her breath.

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It doesn’t get better sometimes, when she feels the affectionate gaze of Joohyun from her side as she speaks to her fans during fansigns. As she speaks, she can see Joohyun from her periphery, brazenly looking at her from the side, fingers clasped in an awkward way that wants to stop from reaching over to caress Seungwan’s marvellous jawline. There is that smile Seungwan knows too well but pretends not to understand – when Joohyun unknowingly leans a little closer, tilts her head lower to be in line with Seungwan, eyes trailing the face Seungwan constantly complains as “too bloated”, with that gentle smile of adoration, that smile Joohyun seems to only reserve for her. Seungwan tries hard not to think about it.

Seungwan once advised fans, “you can’t look into Joohyun’s eyes for too long, because you will fall for her,” and sat back in the car thinking it was true, even more so when Joohyun doesn’t want to tear her gaze off Seungwan and Seungwan can’t help but look back at Joohyun, albeit in intervals. It doesn’t get better because Seungwan sinks deeper into hazel brown eyes in those seconds she returns a look at Joohyun. Seungwan can’t afford to be weaker.

It doesn’t get better, because Joohyun is her best friend, her leader and when she wants to strike up a normal conversation with her Joohyun just seems to want Seungwan to realise that there isn’t anything normal with them, but that’s ok. Sitting beside each other in fansigns is a terrible thing, Seungwan should have already known, but when she leans over to tell Joohyun something, Joohyun simply places her fingers over Seungwan’s microphone, slowly trailing lower as if to clasp over Seungwan’s hand and face leaning closer as if she can’t hear but Seungwan knows how loud her voice is and she should’ve known, shouldn’t have said anything to begin with in front of all their fans. She feels herself caught under Joohyun’s burning gaze and wants her to stop because she doesn’t want to recognise this feeling – it will only make her feel worse: she is imperfect enough.

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Joohyun reads her like a book she’s read since childhood, and knows how Seungwan wants to hide behind her Wendy self – perfect and dashing under stage lights, zero emotions, only radiating talent. Joohyun wants to pin her against the wall, under the dimmed lights of their bedroom lamp and tell her she doesn’t need to pretend to be ok, because Joohyun understands the silly burdens of being an idol, even more so as the leader of an idol group and she can fall apart in front of her and Joohyun wouldn’t care. She wouldn’t admonish Seungwan for being a child, because a leader always needs to set expectations right in the group, but hold her close and tell her against the shell of her ear that being broken is something beautiful, and Joohyun loves her, not Wendy and her perfect pitch, but Seungwan and her voice breaks.

So Joohyun kisses her like she is glass, thin fingers light against Seungwan’s cheek, cupping gently her jaw as she pulls her closer. Seungwan gasps softly, still sniffling from the weight of the world, but manages to close around Joohyun’s. Joohyun leads, as she always does, but in a fashion that doesn’t intimidate, only guiding so Seungwan’s breath hitches but she still can breathe. Seungwan softly wraps her arms around her waist and comes close, as if eager to be pressed against Joohyun. Joohyun notices the way Seungwan calms down, no longer sobbing but timidly returning Joohyun’s affections. She smiles against shy kisses and wants to reassure Seungwan that she’s there for all her ups and downs, so she presses harder against Seungwan’s chapped lips to let her know. Seungwan notices how her body relaxes as Joohyun stays close, slowly starts to come apart in front of Joohyun and maybe it will take awhile to get to used to it,

but she will get there.