"be right back"

and with that seungwan lets go of her arm and skips over, maybe trying to save joohyun from the lack of oxygen and unceasing pseudo formal conversations that seungwan knows very well joohyun dislikes. joohyun tries to convince herself that, and hopes seungwan does not secretly like to leave her alone while she embraces being under the spotlight.

she sees everyone crowding around her. it's always her, she notices, not in envy but fear, because does that mean her existence is compromised? it is in all honesty and actual fact that seungwan is deemed the most popular among the seniors. the other three members can only agree, because it is not a fallacy. seungwan embodies every thing needed to be idealized and adored. most times, she backs into the corner, watching seungwan from afar interacting with everyone effortlessly, making everyone fall for her effortlessly, and feels herself fidget uneasily. seungwan was made to be a star. people tell joohyun all the time she is flawless and pretty and fair-skinned and fans love her shy, demure side. but she doesn't care for that because it doesn't diminish the fact that seniors love seungwan and her face and her sociability and talents. joohyun can only stand and watch, swallowing the lump in .

she is really not envious of her, there is a reason for her nervousness and it's not because seungwan seems to be better than her.

if anything, she pats herself on her back when she lies on her bed in the middle of night, acknowledging the fact that she's in love with a girl so wonderful and worthwhile.

in the darkness of the night, amidst seulgi's light snoring, sooyoung's sleeptalking (about chickens again, no doubt), she only listens to how silently seungwan sleeps.

it is the annual sm halloween party and joohyun can only groan, because she can only watch seniors fuss around seungwan as she slowly fades into oblivion. no matter their identical costumes, it will always be easy to spot a talented, entertaining, pretty seungwan who only gives gives gives her best to make people happy.

and it's at precisely this moment joohyun wishes seungwan would realize there was someone out there who needed some affirmation.

and maybe, definitely, seungwan knows, because her eyes dart over to the yellow hooded figure (amongst the other two) sitting painfully still on the couch and their eyes meet. she catches a hint of loneliness and wishes to enwrap the figure in all of her and make her feel wanted again. but it's not easy to just excuse yourself from a bunch of sunbaenims who, so they claimed, 'helped you rise to where you are now'.

it's only been a few months since their debut, and she's no doubt received countless of confessions from artistes she never knew would bat a single eyelid towards her. this is not unexpected, because it is a universal truth seungwan is a very likable person. but in all its cliched truth, it is also when you have everything you want (what the world aspires for you to want) — that you start to retreat into somewhere your personal diary would conjure: a paradise where your inner desires are fulfilled, especially non-material ones. especially love. yes, she has everything and lacks the single most important thing the public and media industry looks upon with disdain.

(joohyun always lie in bed at night, tries to make out seungwan's silhouette as she sleeps and hopes she never accepts someone else's love, because that would leave joohyun with nothing to trace out in the middle of the night, nothing to strain her ears to listen to (let's not count seulgi and sooyoung's sleeping habits shall we) and a whole lot of nothing in her heart)

then again, seungwan knows joohyun is always there. this shining star of hope dims all other negativity of the world and the media industry, because seungwan debuts with a girl she's in love with. she imagines, while other couples spend their honeymoon days in the maldives, she spends what she thinks is an infinite honeymoon with bae joohyun on stage because there she is, doing what she loves. with someone she loves.

when seungwan finally steps out of the suffocating circle of sunbaenims trying to garner her attention, she heads over to joohyun and smiles.

"do you want to get a drink with me?"

seungwan does not (or does she) notice but joohyun heaves a sigh of relief.

because seungwan always remembers to come home.

it is in the wee hours of the morning that they all reach the dorm and after convincing sooyoung that her pillow is really not a huge chicken to cater for her love of this unhealthy food that she stops chewing on it and slumps on her bed, fast asleep. the other members learn that sooyoung may not be the most tolerant of alcohol that she thinks she is and brags about (they later learn that her binge-drinking in high school day really comprised of just apple cider. cue the irresistable urge to beat sooyoung up).

"well, i'm exhausted carrying a giant around, so goodnight guys." seulgi says and falls back on her bed, slowly drifting into slumber.

this leaves joohyun with seungwan, and while she appreciates the privacy they have been unwittingly given, she's afraid the alcohol inside her will tip her tongue forward and cause unnecessary affections to spill out, she's afraid she will no longer be able to control her motor neurons — that her hands will start touching the skin she's only dreamed about and her lips will go further than express her undying love for seungwan; she will show it too.

but things don't always go her way, because seungwan asks her if she wants to drink the champagne yet another sunbaenim has gifted her. joohyun has to think on her feet now. it's either to agree with seungwan or disagree and deal with neverending questions from the still-bubbly girl (she imagines seungwan going why-joohyun-we-are-still-in-party-mood-eventhoughseulgiandsooyoungaresleeping or why-we-wont-always-have-the-chance-to-do-this.) right, right, because the urge to kiss seungwan is only when alcohol is running in her veins.

it is 1am and the alcohol and music and sm town superstar should have dimmed her spirits a bit, but no, as long as it is seungwan, she will always be like the bubbles in the champagne she was going to pop open — always rising to meet the sky and infinite.

"ok, ok" and joohyun clenches her fists together so hard she prays she doesn't fall to the temptation of seungwan's lips.

they clink their glasses as they lounge on their couch, joohyun watches from the corner of her eye the way seungwan swirls her glass sensually, her head tilting to the side as she gazes at the rising bubbles and feels a knot tie up even tighter in her stomach. she panicks and gulps her own champage to calm her nerves but bubbles are bubbles and they travel down, intensify the sparks growing in her stomach, the burning in . so dry and so coarse.

and when she turns to look at seungwan, her blue-tipped hair reminds her of water.

seungwan feels joohyun watching her and turns to face her. both their eyes emanate a sense of unspoken affections and maybe alcohol veils their fear of rejection, projects the hope for a confession that is not as self-conscious.

"water..." joohyun whispers, her eyes a little glazed.

"what?" seungwan furrows her eyebrows. 

"wa....n" she leans in and in all her numbness from the alcohol, she knows that it is seungwan's lips she's feeling right now. she feels the bubbles rise up to her heart and blood is rushing all over her body to compensate for the lack of oxygen. because seungwan is kissing her back. joohyun is gripping onto seungwan's arm tightly to stabilize herself, but seungwan's other hand traces her jaw and pulls her closer.

joohyun can't stop shaking, and she doesn't think it is because of the alcohol.

she tries to be subtle, "this could be the alcohol speaking, but i may have feelings for you."

but seungwan is smart and seungwan has received all kinds of adoration before. this feels vastly different. maybe because she feels the same way.

"this isn't the alcohol speaking, and i do have feelings for you."

joohyun thinks tonight is the night she stops tracing seungwan's silhouette from her bed. she thinks from tonight onwards she will trace the outline of seungwan's body, finger on skin, and not stop until she has got them memorized in her heart.

and maybe seungwan decides to thank the sunbaenim who gave her the champagne, because it is from the drink she learns the things and feelings that would have never be verbalized otherwise.

joohyun, too, in all her fear of losing seungwan to her sunbaenims, is secretly thankful for the champagne, because it is then she realizes seungwan never strays. she always comes home — to her heart.