I opened my eyes and just lay there in bed. I clutched the blanket closer to my body, hugging it just for a little bit of comfort. My body was tired and I had lost all forms of motivation. I lay in bed and listened outside, at the annoying sounds of birds. At the annoying rays of sunlight, coming through my curtains. 

I lay in bed and just tried breathing, tried finding a way to convince myself that this day was worth me getting out of bed for. The air became too thick and I felt my chest close in on me. I shut my eyes and took in a breath. 

Just a little more and everything will be back to normal.

_______________ 

I opened Jini’s bedroom door and slowly crept in. Jini was my entire life and I had to work for her, I decided. Stopping beside her bed, I looked at her sleeping. Her eyes and lips resembling Yongguk, making my heart clench with extreme pain but also a hint of happiness. 

I slowly lifted the blanket from her bed and slipped into the empty spot next to her on her bed. I propped up my elbow and continued to stare at her, kissing her cold cheek softly, causing her to stir. Her eyes opened and I smiled a bit, watching her focus her vision. 

“Mommy.” she croaked. 

I tried smiling and pulling her into my chest. I her hair and patted her back. I wanted her to be happy, that was the least I could do.  

“Are you working today, mommy?” she looked up at me. 

I nodded. Jini sighed knowingly, as if expecting that answer and hugged me. 

“I love you, Jini.” I whispered. “Just hold on for a little longer. Mommy will fix everything.”

Honestly, I didn’t know how, but I was going to fix everything. Whether it was to leave Yongguk or let him leave me, I was going to make Jini happy and I was going to fix everything again. But thankfully Yongguk had not brought up the topic again. I was grateful that he didn’t push and pressure me, because I knew that I could never take it. 

I was reluctant to making a decision because of one simple reason… I was afraid. I was afraid to let him go. I wasn’t a saint and I wasn’t going to easily give up the love of my life. Even though Yongguk would be happier, it was a difficult choice to even consider. I was just afraid. Afraid that I’d miss him too much to bear. Afraid that he would be better off without me but I’d be broken without him.  

_______________ 

The stuffy air of the coffee shop made my chest close in and made it difficult for me to even lift a finger. I glanced at the clock on the wall and sighed, knowing that there was another solid three hours before I could go home to Jini. 

One in the morning and there was still people buying coffee, still people coming in and out. I had to make the coffees and clean up, with my exhausted frame, it was not a simple task. My stomach growled from hunger and my hands were shaking from exhaustion, my condition was nowhere near stable to work. 

The bell chimed on top of the door as more customers walked in and I looked up. Bewildered, I let my eyes dart the entire coffee shop, trying to convince myself that I was too tired and was seeing things, but I wasn’t. Yongguk was there, with Kimhan and carrying a sleeping young boy. I tried ducking into the back but then there would be no one to serve. 

Yongguk’s eyes seemed to have noticed me and slightly widened. We stood there, me behind the counter and Yongguk at the door, staring at each other, too shaken for words. I clenched my jaw as he began walking towards with the young boy still in his arms.

“You work here?” he asked. 

“Yeah.” I whispered, diverting his stare. 

“Why?” he furrowed his eyebrows. 

I closed my eyes and tried to hold the tears. All the emotions piling down on me made me overwhelmed and I couldn’t pin down one certain emotion. He asked because he cared, but I think of it as husbandly love whereas he thought of it as a gesture of our friendship. But anger and jealousy gnawed at my stomach, seeing him so loving with the young boy that seemed to be Kimhan’s son. I envied that Jini didn’t get that love. 

“I need to pay the bills somehow, Yongguk.” I choked on the lump in my throat.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” his eyes softened.

I shook my head and didn’t have anything to say to him. Because honestly, I didn’t know why I didn’t tell him. Maybe my pride was too high, or maybe it was because I just wanted him to be happy and for him to not have any worries. 

The tears were quickly b in my eyes and I knew that they were going to fall. I quickly turned around and walked into the back, biting my lip so that I wouldn’t whimper out loud. I rushed into the staff room and looked for my manager, telling her that I wasn’t feeling well and I needed to go to the toilet. 

I rushed into the toilet and slammed the door and shut it. I put the lid down on the toilet and sat down, resting my face in my hands. My chest closed in and I tried to calm my breathing. I could only handle so much. I hated myself for going weak and I hated myself for not being able to control my emotions.

My manager came knocking on the door minutes late, asking if I was okay. I quickly answered and cleaned my eyes, although my whole face was red from crying. But thankfully she sent me home early, I didn’t think I could work after what had happened. But then again, I asked myself, what did happen? 

It was just my emotions taking over and breaking me.

I walked out the back door, to avoid Yongguk, into the cold night, feeling dizzy and my vision was blurry. I started seeing patches and I lost all forms of comprehension. I felt my footsteps stumble and the next thing I knew, I saw nothing but black. 

_______________ 

I opened my eyes and I couldn’t yet focus my vision, although I could hear machinery beeping but also a small gasp. I furrowed my eyebrows and waited for everything to stop spinning before looking around to find something familiar to calm me down, since I was silently freaking out. 

I turned to my side and saw machinery that was monitoring me and on the other side, I saw my mom, looking at me expectingly. My mom smiled weakly and put a hand on my cheek, easing me. I closed my eyes and leaned into her touch, now knowing what else to do besides depend on my mom for support. 

“Mom..” I said quietly. 

“My girl.” my mom smiled, but I saw tears in her eyes. “You’ve worked so hard.” 

“Mommy…” I heard a smaller voice. 

I looked from my mom’s face to Jini who was standing next to her. Jini cautiously approached me and stopped right at the edge of my bed. I reached a hand out to touch her face, and to touched her black hair. She quickly caught my hand and kissed it. 

“Do you remember me?” she asked. “I’m Jini. Or don’t you remember me, like daddy?”

My chest squeezed painfully and I softly shook my head. I ushered her up onto my bed and held her close to me. Although I couldn’t yet sit up, I made Jini lie next to me and I hugged her. I kissed the top of her head and hugged her a little tighter. I hugged her to remind myself that I had to do everything for her. I hugged just to make sure i wouldn’t go insane. 

“Of course.” I whispered. “I’ll always remember my baby girl.” 

“Yongguk just left.” my mom said. “He’ll be back later.” 

Jini reached for my hand and laced our fingers together. I looked down at her and squeezed her hands a little bit, before kissing her again. 

“You do know why you’re in here, right?” my mom raised her eyebrows. “You were working way too hard. You need to rest and eat, darling. You can’t keep slaving away.” 

“It’s for Jini.” I whispered. 

My mom sighed and knew that when it came to things related to Jini, I would become very stubborn. Mom took Jini from my bed and left, saying that I needed some time to rest on my own. I though so too. I lay in the hospital bed and tried to rest in ease, but the worry was in the pit of my stomach, making it impossible to be relaxed. If I was in the hospital, who was going to work to pay the bills? Deadlines were approaching. I shut my eyes and forced myself to sleep, to shut out any thoughts, because I was just too tired. 

_______________

Yongguk came in that night and when I heard the door open, I quickly shut my eyes and pretended that I was asleep. I didn’t want to witness him look at my in pity or sympathy. I felt him settle in the chair next to my bed and then nothing. I tried staying as still as possible without squirming although I could feel his eyes boring into me. 

His cold fingers brushed mine and my breath hitched slightly. Then he held onto my hand and just sat there. 

“Please don't avoid me.” he sighed. “I know you’re awake.” 

I sighed and hated myself for a moment. I almost forgot that he knew me probably as well as I knew myself. I slowly opened my eyes and looked at him in the dark room. I stared at him and felt his grip on my hand tighten. There wasn’t anything that I could say, because I didn’t know what to say. 

“Do you hate me?” Yongguk asked. 

I shook my head. 

“I’m a really bad person, aren’t I?” he said again, with a hint of bitterness. 

I shook my head again. 

“I’m so ignorant and didn’t realize that you were coming home at three in the morning and going back to work at six.” he sighed.

“It’s not your fault.” I said finally. 

“Everything is my fault.” Yongguk said, his voice strained and broke. “I’ve made everything go wrong.” 

“I don’t care.” I said. “Yongguk, I love you and if I have to work hard like this for you, so be it.” 

There were so many things that I had wanted to say to him for the past months but the only thing I seemed to have remembered was the fact that I loved him.

Yongguk my hair and rested a hand on my cheek. 

“You should get some sleep.” he whispered. “I’m staying here for the night so if you need anything, I’ll be right here.” 

I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to take over, silently comforting myself that Yongguk was right next to me. Which was exactly what I had always wanted. But that was like lying to a child, or like giving someone so desperate some hope. The satisfaction as only temporary but I took it. I needed to, or else I would go insane. 

My breathing evened out and I found myself zoning out until Yongguk’s phone rang and my eyes shot open. I had a rough idea of who it was but wanted to deny it for the sake of my heart. I couldn’t take anymore let downs. 

“Hey.” Yongguk answered. “Yes, I’m with her in the hospital now. I’m staying overnight, okay? I won’t come over. What? He has a fever? Okay, I’ll be right there, don’t worry too much okay?” 

Before Yongguk could notice that I was awake, I closed my eyes and pretended that I was asleep. Fighting the stinging in my eyes, I tried to pretend that everything was alright and that I would be alright. 

I heard Yongguk stand up from his seat and then I felt his hand on my cheek. Soon after it was followed by a kiss on my forehead and then he walked out the door and was gone. I waited until his footsteps had faded and I shot straight up in bed. I roughly used my hand to wipe my forehead where he had kissed me. 

“I hate you.” I cried softly. “I hate you so much. Why are you doing this to me?” 

I rubbed at my forehead like a childish way of rebellion and I couldn’t stop the aching in my heart, it was pathetic of me to even think that he had changed. It was stupid and naive to even think that I had another chance. I only had myself to blame for the heartache.