Sometimes I wonder, what it felt like to forget. Would it hurt to forget everything? Probably not. It’s the people who are forgotten that deal with the pain. Having your loved one forget you completely. Having them look at you with blank, hollow eyes. It was painful. 

I remember when my grandma was diagnosed with dementia, my mom was talking about the pain of being forgotten. Of course, being so little, I didn’t understand. I only nodded and brushed the matter off like I would never experience it. But now, the words come rushing back, settling into my chest. Just like the pain. The pain of being forgotten. 

_______________

I open my eyes to a the sun streaming into our bedroom. The birds chirping an irritating tune, piercing through the peaceful morning. I sighed and rubbed my eyes, turning over to Yongguk’s side of the bed, only to see it empty. I furrowed my brow and sat up in bed looking around. 

I wanted to laze around for a little more but hearing clanking downstairs, I couldn’t help but get out of bed. Yongguk was either cooking or working, I couldn’t tell which one it was. I threw the covers over myself and walked to the bathroom, doing my routine and grabbing a hair tie to roughly pull my hair back. 

I walked downstairs and was immediately greeted by a happy squeal. 

“Mommy!” I heard, before I was pounced on. 

I smiled and brought Jini into my arms, kissing the top of her head. I felt her snuggle closer to the crook of my neck and laughed lightly at the ticklish feeling. I smoothed her hair down slightly, before walking to the kitchen. Yongguk was facing the stove, cooking and I smiled a bit. 

“Morning.” I said, leaning my chin on his shoulder, kissing it. 

“Hey. You’re late, I was going to go wake you up.” he said, still busy cooking. 

Slyly, as I was talking to Yongguk, Jini untangled her arms from around my neck and latched onto Yongguk’s neck, then bring her legs around his waist, inviting herself to a piggy back. When she had succeeded, she squealed with laughter, making me smile. 

“Daddy’s cooking, Jini.” Yongguk laughed. 

“Okay.” she pouted, jumping down safely. 

I watched her small figure walk past me and to the dining table, sitting down to wait for her dad. I slipped my arms around Yongguk’s waist and smiled when he turned around to look at me. I puckered my lips lightly, making Yongguk chuckle before plating a soft kiss onto my lips. 

“Do you have schedules today?” I said pulling away, walking to the dining table. 

“I have a show in Busan tonight.” Yongguk replied. “So I won’t be home until late.” 

“But…” Jini whined. “I won’t see daddy?”

Yongguk walked toward us with our breakfast plates in his hands. Setting it in front of us, he leaned down to kiss Jini’s head. 

“You don’t even love me.” he smiled. “You only love mommy.” 

As if it was unjust to her, Jini violently shook her head and furrowed her brows, bringing her short toddler arms around Yongguk’s neck. He let out a silent laugh, giving me a look, knowing that Jini has taken the bait. 

“No,” Jini said. “I love daddy too.” 

Yongguk smiled and kissed her cheek. 

“Okay, okay. Eat your breakfast quickly so we can take you to daycare,” Yongguk patted her back. 

It was like any other day in our house. We were a family. A very happy one. I couldn’t have asked for anything more. I was married to my best friend and it was so perfect. But then again, the happier you are, the greater the pain when it’s lost. 

_______________

“Say bye to daddy.” I said as I helped Jini put on her shoes for daycare. “You won’t see him until tomorrow.” 

I saw the smile disappear from her face and it was soon replaced by a frown. Jini let her lower lip hang out, into a pout and she sighed. 

“Daddy’s got to go to work. But daddy gets to go on stage and be cool, baby.” I said, patting her back. 

“But I want daddy to be with me too.” Jini continued to sulk. 

As Jini complained about not seeing Yongguk, I looked at her and saw myself. The whiney little nine year old girl that wouldn’t let Yongguk leave to go home when it was dinner for him. Or the whiney girl that would wait outside for him, in third grade, since we lived next door to each other. Yongguk seemed to be the main character in both Jini and I’s life. 

“I have to go,” Yongguk emerged from the hallway, swinging a bag over his shoulder. “Take care, okay?”

I observed my handsome husband and smiled. He wore a loose t-shirt and some faded jeans. Always looking simple. Always humble. 

He squatted down next to Jini and leaned his cheek into her, expecting a kiss. Just as Jini leaned in to kiss him, Yongguk surprised her by grabbing her entire frame and bring her into his chest. Jini giggled and brought her arms around his neck. He turned his head to kiss her cheek before releasing her. 

“I love you.” he said lowly. “Be a good girl for mommy.” 

Jini nodded and Yongguk stood up, turning to me. He brought his strong arms around me and brought me close to his sturdy chest. I leaned into his chest and sighed a content sigh. I then pulled away and stood on tip toes to kiss his lips. 

“I love you, too.” Yongguk smiled against my lips. “Take care, I’ll see you tonight.”

I nodded.

“Don’t work too hard and eat a lot, okay?”

It was something that I said to him every time he went to work. I knew it wouldn’t be any use but I still say it, just to remind him. Every time he performs, he forgets about everything and just puts in 100%. Sometimes forgetting to eat, to drink water or even sleep. It was his habit. 

He nodded and walked out the door, leaving Jini and I. We left soon after, taking Jini to daycare and I went to work. 

_______________

That night, I couldn’t help but feel jumpy. My stomach was uneasy and I didn’t feel too well. My instincts were running wild and I sensed something was terribly wrong. I laughed and smiled with Jini but couldn’t wash the worry and anxiety from my system. The night got darker and it got closer to the time for Yongguk to return home but something seemed so off. 

After tucking Jini into bed, I also got ready for bed. Yongguk had told me that he was scheduled to be back in Seoul by eleven at night and home by around eleven thirty, but it was eleven and I hadn’t yet received a call. He would usually call when he was close to home. 

I lay in bed and held my phone to my chest. It was midnight and I still hadn’t heard from him. I bit my lip and turned over to his side of the bed. I then unlocked my phone and sent him a text message.

“Are you alright? Call me when you get this. I’m worried for you.” 

With that, I tried closing my eyes and sleeping. It didn’t seem like long, but when I opened my eyes, I had been sleeping for two whole hours. I sat up in bed quickly and groggily checked my phone for any replies or any calls. But to my disappointment, I had gotten nothing. 

It was two in the morning and Yongguk hadn’t yet gotten home. I picked up my phone and called him, only to sent straight to voicemail. I sighed and let my phone drop to my side. I sat helplessly in bed for God knows how long, before I got a call from Zelo at three in the morning. Seeing the call, I knew immediately that something was very wrong. 

“Zelo.” 

“Noona… something’s happened.” Zelo said cautiously. 

“What happened? Zelo, I’m about to go insane.” I say quickly into the phone. 

“We- we got into a car accident.” he muttered almost inaudibly, but I heard it. 

Immediately, I thought of the others. All the other members that were also involved, not just my own husband. All the managers and crew that were also on board.

“Is everyone okay? Is anyone hurt?” I say, unconsciously gripping onto my phone. 

“Everyone’s okay, only minor injuries.”

I let out a breath. 

“Except Yongguk hyung. Noona, he was thrown out of the van.”

My breath hitched as everything in my ears began to buzz. My whole body went numb with shock and I couldn’t even comprehend what was just said to me. My lips trembled and I couldn’t find the right work to say. Heck, I couldn’t even think straight. 

“Noona, his condition is serious. You might want to come into the hospital.” Zelo said. 

I hung up the phone and immediately got out of bed, changing quickly and waking Jini up. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her what had happened to Yongguk, so all I told her was that I was going to take her to grandma’s house. I then quickly sent my mom and text, briefly explaining everything. 

I dropped Jini off at my mom’s house, surprised at how calm I could remain for my daughter. But once she was gone, I felt everything collapse on me like a sudden weight. I sobbed, while gripping onto the steering wheel, imagining the pain Yongguk must have been in. My hands shook with fear and shock as I turned into the hospital. 

“Where is he?” I said, rather loudly when I saw the other members in front of the emergency room. “Where’s my husband?” 

Everyone’s attention shot to me and Himchan stood up from his seat and went to me to comfort me. I was sobbing by then, because I didn’t know what state he was in. I didn’t have a clue about his condition and at the point, I felt irresponsible. Irresponsible for knowing so little and not knowing how to relieve Yongguk’s pain. 

“Hey, hey.” Himchan brought an arm around me. “Everything’s gonna be fine, okay? We’re just waiting for the doctors.”

“Can someone just tell me what happened?” I clawed at my hair. 

“There was a drunk driver and he just slammed into us. Slammed right into where Yongguk was sitting, at the front. His seatbelt was broken and it launched him out of the car.” Himchan said, his jaw tightening. 

I closed my eyes and let everything sink in, although it was very difficult to. I felt my entire body give up on me and my legs gave out. Luckily Himchan caught me and guided me to a chair, settling next to me. Members looked at me, worried and not sure of how to approach me. I just sat there, waiting. Waiting for anything to happen. 

When a doctor bursted out of the door after an eternity, I immediately stood from my seat. 

“Who is the relative of Bang Yongguk?” he asked, glancing around, searching the faces.

“Me.” I croaked with my dry throat. 

“We’ve made sure his head has stopped bleeding, but due to such a heavy impact to his head, he is now in a coma.” he doctor sighed. “We aren’t sure how long this coma will be for, but we will keep him in our intensive care.” 

I was too dazed to say even a word, feeling too many things piling on top of me for me to take in. I briefly heard Himchan thanking the doctor for me, before turning to me, helping me sit down. 

Although I was with everyone in the waiting room, I felt lonely and helpless. Like I had failed Yongguk, because I couldn’t protect him. Because I let him be in so much pain without doing anything to ease it. I was helpless.