The post break up phase hit me so hard. So off guard that I couldn’t handle the pain in my chest that would randomly erupt. So painful that I wanted to cut myself from any emotions, and feelings. So by cutting all emotions, I wouldn’t have to be so hurt. 

“Don’t think about him.” Yongguk sighed one night, while he was at my house.

I was curled up in bed, hair draped across my face, tears probably making me look very ugly. But since we were best friends, I didn't give a crap because Yongguk’s probably seen every single side of me. Same for me, I knew every side there was to Yongguk. 

I ignored Yongguk’s comfort and decided not to listen to him. I had the right to grief and I wanted to. I planted my deeper into my pillow just let out a sigh. I heard Yongguk let out another sigh and then felt the edge of my bed dip slightly. Yongguk my back and I felt a shiver run through my body. The comfort and affection was so foreign since I broke up with  Siwon. 

“Do you seriously want to spend time with me by thinking about that bastard?” Yongguk asked. “I thought I meant more to you.” 

He got up to leave but I sat up quickly, bringing my arms around his waist, pulling him back. I rest my cheek on his back and sighed, sniffling. I knew that I had fallen for Yongguk’s teasing. I knew he only said that to get me to react, but I needed all the moral support I could get. 

“Don’t say that.” I croaked. 

Yongguk pried my arms away from his waist and turned to me, cupping my face and wiping my tears away with his thumb. Suddenly I felt embarrassed for being so weak and for being so sulky, so I chuckled, with a slight hit of bitterness, and covered my face with my hands. 

“It’s been forever.” Yongguk said. “Don’t hurt, unless he’s hurting. He’s unaffected, while you’re crying your guts out. Don’t give him that satisfaction.”

“But-“

“Let’s just be thankful that he broke up with you after you graduated. I would have killed that if he broke up with you while you were doing your finals.”

For once, I was thankful too. Yes, if he did break up with mr before my graduation, I wouldn’t have had that mind to study or even do my exams. Suddenly the clock downstairs chimed, indicating that it was midnight. Yongguk looked at me apologetically, as a sign of him heading home. 

“Yongguk.” I bit my lip. “Can you… Can you stay with me tonight?”

Yongguk nodded slowly and brought my close to his chest, making me feel comforted. We slowly settled into my bed and just lay there. I moved closer to Yongguk and felt him bring an arm around me. No words were necessary, we just there, until I was able to fall asleep. 

_______________

With a lot of effort and will power, I tried forgetting about Siwon. I deleted all my photos with him, deleted all our text messages and all his call logs. I tried to rip him entirely out of my life to speed up the recovery. But Yongguk was solely my source of support. When I was too tired from being strong and broke down, he would always be there for me to cry on. I was very good at pretending and I had to admit it. My mom still had no clue that I had a boyfriend and that I gone through a break up. 

I was just in my room, probably reading a book one day, when there was a loud banging on my door. I furrowed my brows and quickly ran down stairs to open the door. I opened the door and saw Yongguk stand there, looking not too good. There were hints of anger present on his face, but most of all, hurt was so clear on his face. 

I opened my mouth to say something, but he quickly pushed passed me and walked right through the house, upstairs and into what seemed like my room. I stood at the front door, still confused and quickly shut the door to follow him. 

“Hey.” I said, searching my room for him and saw him sitting on my bed. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s so unfair.” he said lowly. 

Moments like those were when I was scared of Yongguk. With his already low voice, when he spoke lowly, almost whispering it meant that he wasn’t happy. I held my breath and waited for the next thing that he would say. Yet, he just stared silently at his clasped hands in his lap. 

“Kimhan broke up with me.” Yongguk said. 

I gasped silently and slowly approached him. I sat down next to him and hugged him, trying my best to comfort him although the hug turned out very awkward, since Yongguk’s frame was so much larger than me. I tried hugging his entire body close to me, despite our size difference. 

“I’m so sorry.” I said. 

I knew that Kimhan meant a lot to him. He loved her so unconditionally and did not expect anything back from her. That was the thing with Yongguk, he’d love you unconditionally and trust you completely. 

“But you know what’s funny?” Yongguk smiled bitterly, looking up at me, letting me see his red eyes. 

The sight of that made my heart catch in my throat. My entire stomach flipped and all I wanted to do was to make the smile come back onto his face. 

“The funny things is that she laughed at me when she left me.” Yongguk choked on his tears. “She laughed at my music, she said I didn’t provide enough for her needs. All I ever did was love her!” 

“Yongguk.” I said, rubbing his back. “That’s not true.” 

“I don’t understand.” Yongguk said. “This is bull. All I ever did was love her. I try so hard to get her what she wants but I can’t keep up with it all.” 

We sat there and talked. More of Yongguk talking and me listening. I then understood how Yongguk probably felt when I came to him, crying. I felt the pain and agony of the person I cared so much about being hurt. I couldn’t handle it and began to tear a little bit too. 

It was about two in the morning and we sat on my bed, leaning on the bed frame with a beer each in our hand. I wasn’t legal yet and neither was Yongguk but my mom was out of town and we both needed something to ease the pain. Yongguk promised not to tell my mom and I promised not to tell his. 

“Music is ing ruining my life.” Yongguk sighed. 

“No it isn’t.” I sighed. “If she’s dumb enough to not see that music is your passion, you should let her leave. .” 

Yongguk looked at me with a surprised grin. With that, I felt slightly at ease, since his frown was gone. 

“What? Why are you smiling?”

“Did you just swear?” Yongguk laughed a bit. 

That night we stayed up until about four in the morning, finishing about four beers each and woke up with stoning headaches, but it was the bonding time that I could only spend with Yongguk and no one else. 

_______________ 

“There’s lasagne in the oven.” my mom said. “I’m going to be back tomorrow night, so keep the place clean, you two.” 

After Yongguk’s breakup we were virtually inseparable and he probably spent a lot of time at my house. Although it had been half a year after his break up, Yongguk was still uneasy. But I was so thankful that he was with me everyday, I could comfort him and he also gave me a lot of support. It was undeniable that needed each other. 

“It’s getting late, maybe I should head home.” Yongguk said, about to get up from the couch. 

“No.” I said, pulling him back. “After we finish the movie.” 

We had a movie night where we just cuddled on the couch and watch all these movies. There were a mixture of his war movies and my romcoms and we’d decide by drawing them out from a bowl. Yongguk was so eager to leave because most of the movies that came out were romcoms. We had only watched one war movie through out the whole night. 

“Don’t you love me?” I laughed “You’d stay if you loved me.”

“Yeah,” he said softly. “I do.” 

We managed to finish the romcom and then watched one of his action movies During the movie we moved and scooted until I was sitting with my back against his chest. We had a warm blanket around ourselves but I had Yongguk’s arms around me. The interaction was simple, yet I found my heart bursting with warm. 

“Do you want to watch anymore? Or no more?” I asked, still watching the credits rolls. 

“Whatever.” he said lowly, his voice vibrating in his chest and through my back. “I don’t mind.” 

I frowned at his blunt response and turned around to look at Yongguk, my back against his chest. I saw him staring back at me, his stare heavy with an emotion that I couldn’t read. 

“Do you wanna sleep over? Or do you want head home now?” I asked. 

He didn’t answer and just stared at me. I tried to stare back, but I found myself diverting my eyes from his intense gaze. I suddenly felt warmth spread through my chest and I cleared my throat, starting to stand up, pulling away from Yongguk. But then he grasp onto my arm and pulled me back gently. 

“What?” I asked almost inaudibly through my dry throat. 

He continued to stare at me with his heavy gaze and reached a hand out to touch my face. I was about to pull away when Yongguk surprised me and instead of touching my face, he picked an eyelash that fell on my cheek. I stared at him, surprised and opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. Suddenly my throat went dry and I couldn’t move away from him, although my head was screaming for me to get up. 

I looked into Yongguk’s eyes and felt myself getting lost in his warm orbs. He slowly leaned closer to me, his gaze dropping to my lips. I wanted to pull away, yet another part me felt that it was right. He came closer and I felt his hot breath against my dry lips. I decided that I couldn’t fight the feeling in my hammering heart and leaned in as well.  

Our lips met softly and I felt that time had stopped, leaving only us in the entire world. I never thought that it would happen like that. My best friend that helped me when I fell, protected me from bullies and cared for me for as long as I could remember. 

I rested a hand on Yongguk’s cheek and he wrapped his arms around my waist and entwined his fingers behind my back, pulling me closer to him. I put my free hand on his chest, bracing myself incase we collided. I didn’t know how much time had gone by, but I brought a finger to Yongguk’s lips to stop him and pulled away. 

I looked at him and smiled shyly. He planted a soft kiss on my finger that was on his lip, with his eyes still on mine and I leaned closer to rest my forehead against his. 

“I’m staying the night.” he whispered softly.

“Okay.” I smiled softly. 

He leaned in to place another soft kiss on my lips. 

That was it. No official ask out. We just clicked and didn’t need to exchange any words to explain it. We were in love.