I finally settled into bed after a day of full hectic work and sighed loudly, feeling my entire body ache. The night was starting to fade and the light was about to creep in, but I had only just gotten into bed. I would only sleep for about three hours before getting up to go to my day job. 

Months have hopelessly dragged by and I had managed to find a second job at a late night coffee shop, just to help the family financially. It did limit my time with Jini, but it comforted me, knowing the fact that I could provide for her. Jini had gotten very cautious around Yongguk, as if scared and unfamiliar with him. 

“Daddy hurt you.” Jini said to me. “He made you cry.” 

I sighed and hugged her closer to me. She sat in my bed, just spending some time with me, knowing that I never had the time. I wanted to hug her to make up for everything that she had experienced and everything she had seen that hurt her. But I know that I was at fault for not being about to protect me daughter. 

“He just can’t remember.” I whispered against her hair. “He doesn’t mean to hurt me.” 

My train of hazy thought was broken when my alarm went off, showing that it was already six in the morning and I had to wake up to go to the office. Yongguk and I had drifted, and we were awkward together. He couldn’t say anything without unconsciously me and I couldn’t stand seeing him so different. There were times where I wanted to avoid him, to protect myself, but then again, he needed help and needed my protection too. 

“Uh, hey.” I heard as I walked out from the room.

“Hey.” I said, grabbing my bag off the counter top. 

“Are you going to work?” Yongguk asked quietly. “Didn’t you just get home though?” 

“It’s been busy in the office.” I said simply. 

I still hadn’t told him I was working a second job. Although he didn’t remember marrying me, I was still his best friend and I didn’t want him to worry about me. I just want him to happy, so his recovery was speedy. But it seemed that no matter how happy he was, he didn’t remember anything. I was drowning in the pit of hopelessness. The feeling suffocating me, paralyzing me. Making me too numb to feel. 

“I’ll see you, okay?” I said. “Remember to eat at the right time. My mom will be hear to pick Jini up at the usual time.” 

Yongguk nodded, opening his mouth to say something but then quickly shutting it. Sometimes I yearned for affection. Sometimes I just needed his warmth and his kisses, just for me to know that I’m strong enough to soldier on. Assuring me that what I was doing was right. I was unsurely walking down a foggy road, not sure where it would take me. I was lost. 

_______________ 

I left my office and quickly drove to the coffee shop, scared that I wouldn’t make it there on time. I quickly grabbed my phone and called my mom, just to be able to talk to Jini for a bit. 

“Mommy!” she answered. 

“Hey, baby.” I smiled. “What are you doing?” 

“Grandma’s eating dinner with me. Can you come and eat with us?”

I sighed a shaky breath and felt terrible for turning down her request. 

“Mommy has to work, baby.” I said. “But I’ll see you tomorrow for sure, okay?” 

“Okay.” Jini said, clearly sounding disappointed. “I love you, mommy.” 

“Me too, baby.” I said. “I love you a lot.” 

I hung up the phone and tried to hold in the tears. Biting my lip, I tried focusing on the road and not on the stinging feeling of tears, blurring my vision. I was so tired. Physically I was so drained and emotional I was also so done. But then I decided that I had to stay strong. If I fell, then who would be there for Jini? Jini was my motivation and she was what kept me going everyday. 

_______________

Cleaning each table in the coffee shop, I felt my stomach turn and rumble from hunger. My hair was tied up, but coming undone from the busy working day. I stood up and glanced at the clock and it read just past midnight. Jini was probably in bed and Yongguk was probably in his studio. It was either that or he was with Kimhan. 

Suddenly and strange feeling went through my body. Heat rushed up my head, making it heavy, making me dizzy. I held onto the table next to me to stand steady until the feeling was over and I felt well enough to walk again. The burn on my hand stung from the coffee machine and I hissed as I accidentally bumped it into a chair. 

Again, I came home at around four in the morning, glad that it was a Friday and that I had a day off the next day. Still in my coffee shop uniform, not bothering to change back since I was too tired. Assuming that Yongguk had already gone to bed, I didn’t need to hide. Only wearing a cardigan over it, since it was cold outside. 

Like I had assumed, Yongguk had gone to bed and I was alone in the dark house. Suddenly my phone vibrated and I opened it to check. It was my mom.

“Are you home yet? Jini fell asleep, so I’m keeping her tonight. I’ll drop her off tomorrow.” 

That night, I cut loose for once. Without Jini home, it was like my sanity wasn’t home and I decided to drink. Drinking was never my thing but you can only handle so much before needing the comfort of alcohol. I grabbed a random bottle of wine and a glass, then settling on the dining table to start drinking. 

I downed each cup quickly and didn’t stop until the bottle was empty, my head started hurting and my entire body was warm. I looked at the clock and couldn’t tell the time with my hazy vision. It was either six or seven in the morning. I couldn’t tell. I couldn’t think, or I chose not to think. Thinking made me sad. 

I finally stood up to go clean up and sleep when Yongguk stepped out of the studio half asleep. I didn’t care and just gathering my things before walking unsteadily in the direction of my room. Yongguk seemed to have woken up when he saw me walking blindly. 

“What’s wrong?” Yongguk walked quickly to me. “Are you oka- Have you been drinking?” 

My unfocused vision swayed and I nodded. No used in lying when it was so damn obvious. I brushed in off and tried walking into my room, when I lost control of my legs and fell into Yongguk’s chest. He caught me and help me into my room, setting me into my bed. Feeling the warmth and comfort of his touch, I smiled, although tears were in my eyes. How long has it been? 

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, my hair.

That was the last thing I could remember. 

What I did remember was that I woke up to a terrible headache and I was just tired. I tried getting up, but my world just kept spinning and it was impossible to be focused. When I was well enough to get up from bed, I walked into the bathroom and stared that the person looking back at me in the mirror. 

My skin was pale green and I couldn’t deny the fact that I wasn’t eating right. Or even eating at all. I was too busy. My lips were dry and the bags under my eyes made me look terrible. I placed at hand on my cheek and continued to stare. I then let out a bitter chuckle. No wonder I was losing my husband to another woman. I wasn’t caring about the way I look, while Kimhan was a stunning woman. I laughed. I let out a laugh and continued to laugh until tears were in my eyes, that was when I began sobbing. It was so unfair. 

I walked slowly downstairs and waited for Jini to come running into my arms but she wasn’t downstairs. I furrowed my brows and searched for her. I saw Yongguk sitting on the couch, with the TV on but was on his phone. He still hadn’t noticed me when his phone went off. 

“Morning.” he smiled. “Did you sleep well? No, not doing anything. How’s Jungwoo? Did he sleep with you last night?” 

I knew that it wasn’t polite to eavesdrop but I couldn’t ignore it. I stood at the hallway, looking at his back and listening to his phone conversation with Kimhan, it seemed. I tried breathing and I tried to control all my emotions. It was so hard. Have you ever had to fight the lump in your throat and the ache in your heart at the same time? It’s not easy, is it? 

“No, I haven’t told her yet.” he sighed. “She came home late from work last night. Yeah, I know. I will. See you soon, okay? I have a song I want you to have a listen to. I’ll come over sometime today. Okay, bye.”  

I breathed and walked out into the living room. 

“Hey.” he said, standing up. “How you feeling now?” 

“Yeah.” I nodded. “Where’s Jini?” 

“Your mom called and said she took Jini for breakfast. They won’t be back until lunch.” Yongguk said. 

I nodded and turned to leave. I didn’t know where I was going to go, I just wanted to get to a room where I didn’t have to see Yongguk. I had only managed a few steps until I heard him call out my name. I stopped mid step and felt my heart go on a rampage. It was ridiculous how much of an effect he still had on me. The way he said my name, the way his low voice made my heart burst. 

“Can I talk to you?” 

_______________ 

We sat on the dining table opposite each other, and I told myself I’d stay calm no matter what he would tell me. I wouldn’t cry and I wouldn’t make him feel bad for telling me the way he felt. 

“I’m so grateful that you’ve been with me since my accident and that you’ve tried helping me.” he started. “You don’t know how thankful I am. You are my best friend that I love so much and you always will be.” 

He was sugar coating it. He was sugar coating the truth that he was about to spill to me after he had thanked me. My nails dug into my hands as I clasped both of them together. I constantly reminded myself that it was okay and that I couldn’t go weak. Yongguk would still be my best friend no matter what. He would still be my soul mate. 

“But I feel that I’m hurting you by staying with you. I feel that all I’m doing is letting you down and I can’t handle that.” he said. “I think that it’d be better for both of us if we just…” 

I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to hit me. I was preparing for it and I didn’t know pain until that day. 

“Maybe if we just got a divorce.” 

I inhaled a breath and let my eyes roam the room, anywhere but into Yongguk’s eyes. That one sentence made me feel a new level of pain. Something that I didn’t think was possible.  I could actually feel physical pain. I could physically feel my chest ache and I tried to calm down. 

“I’m sorry.” Yongguk sighed. “I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you and Jini so much for the past few months. But I can’t keep letting you down-“ 

“Please.” I finally blurted. “Please just let me think about it.” 

I stood up from the dinner table and quickly walked up stair and ran into my room. I closed the door quickly and leaned against it, head resting on the solid wood. All my walls have been knocked down and I didn’t have any more defence layers and I felt like I was being choked. The feeling too terrible to even think about. 

I sat against the door and tried to cry silently although my breaths were coming out uneven. I heard the front door close and thought that Yongguk had left, when shortly after, I heard a knock on my door. 

“I’m home, mommy.” Jini cheered.

I opened my bedroom door and quickly pulled her into my arms. I hugged her and sobbed unable to be strong anymore. Jini stood in my arms stunned for a bit, until she finally understood and brought her small arms around me. 

_______________ 

Jini lay on Yongguk’s side of the bed, asleep. It was the first night since forever that I was in bed before midnight. I Jini’s head apologetically for completely losing it in front of her. Yongguk wasn’t home and was probably with Kimhan. I was so lost and didn’t know what was right to do. Of course I wanted Yongguk to be happy, but I couldn’t give him up without fighting for our love. 

My phone rang and I answered it to my mom. 

“Hey honey, are you ready to talk about it?” she said softly. 

“Yeah, I guess.” I sighed. “I’m just so lost, mom.” 

“My poor girl.” mom said. “But I want to ask you something… Have you tried to make it work out as a couple?” 

Yes I have. I tried to initiate bonding time, but Yongguk wasn’t comfortable with it, since I was only his best friend. 

“Yeah.”

“Honey, I’m sorry but if he’s had that thought, you best let him leave.” mom sighed. “Yongguk isn’t the bad guy. Remember that, okay? He’s only doing what he thinks is right.” 

“But it hurts so bad, mom.” I choked. 

“I know, honey. But you let him leave now and still be friends, instead of arguing and stopping him from doing what he wants. Then in the end, he’ll hate you for it. Sometimes love involved a great deal of sacrifices.” 

Sacrifices. I whimpered at the word. To me, that sacrifice was like giving up my entire world. That sacrifice was like ripping out my own heart. But if Yongguk was happier without me, then I had to sacrifice my world for his happiness. Love hurt me, but if I had to hurt for my love, it was worth it.