It wasn’t long after Yongguk got dismissed from the hospital that he found Kimhan’s details and was back in contact with her. It hurt, yes it did, but there wasn’t much I could do. All I could do was hope and pray that he’d remember something from our marriage.

Yongguk had stopped all his activities with B.A.P since he didn’t remember any of the members, or ever being in the band. The members tried their best to understand but I knew that they were all disappointed. I couldn’t blame them. 

After stopping his activities with B.A.P, all he wanted to do was working on his own music and have nothing to do with the media and with fame. Another thing he did a lot was go see Kimhan. She was a divorced single mom, and apparently glad that Yongguk came back to her because she made no effort to push him away.

“Her son is actually really cute.” he smiled at the dinner table one night. “She was-“

I clenched my jaw and tried swallowing my food. I should be glad that he was still treating me like his best friend, telling me everything but things were different from when we were best friends. 

“Sorry.” he cleared his throat. “I forgot that we were um… married.” 

Jini glanced at me and then back at Yongguk, from the look in her eyes, I knew that she could sense the tense atmosphere. I brushed the matter off like it was no big deal but it was killing me slowly. His ignorance and memory loss was slowly killing me and breaking my heart. 

After coming back, Yongguk had never slept in the same bed as me, making me feel more alone than ever. He would sleep in his studio and leave in the morning without telling me where he was going. Avoiding telling me that he was seeing Kimhan, to avoid breaking my heart. But either way, my world had already been turned upside down. 

“Daddy doesn’t love me anymore.” Jini said, tears b in her eyes, one night after I had read her a bedtime story. 

My chest hurt and tears were starting to form in my eyes too, but I took a breath, trying to look assuring for Jini.

“No, baby.” I said, cupping her face. “Daddy’s head hurts and he can’t remember much. But his heart still love you very much.” 

“Really?” she looked at me from under her lashes.

I nodded, tucking her into bed. “You just need to help daddy remember. Now don’t cry, baby and go to bed.”

_______________

“Hi Mrs.Bang, we are calling from the bank and we’d like to talk to you about matter’s regarding your home loan.” I heard in the phone one day. “We have noticed that there has been delay in the payment.” 

I sighed silently and tried telling them that I’d pay on time the next month, although I had no where near enough money. I sat in my office and wanted to pull my hair out from all the frustration. I had to find a second job to support the whole family and I knew it was going to be difficult. 

Work ended and I pulled into our driveway and Yongguk stepped out the door. Then I realized that he wasn’t walking out of the house alone. Kimhan walked out behind him with a smile. I stepped out of the car as they exchanged a hug and came face to face with Kimhan. 

“Oh hi.” she smiled at me. “Long time no see. Sorry to hear about Yongguk’s memory loss.” 

“You sure don’t look like it.” I shot back. 

I didn’t wait for a response and walked straight into the house. I was having a terrible day and I didn’t have the patience. Jini sat on the dinner table with her coloring books and crayons scattered on the table. I set my bag on the countertop in the kitchen and felt pressured as soon as I saw Jini. I had to provide enough money for the bills and still have enough for Jini to live decently. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” I turned to Yongguk when he came inside. 

“What? What do you mean?” he asked. 

“I don’t want you bringing strange women around our daughter. I know you don’t think we’re married, but she does.” I started breaking. “Please just… just think of Jini.” 

Jini had looked up from her book and at me and my outbreak. Looking at her small innocent eyes stare at me, confused, I couldn’t take it and walked into my bedroom. I heard his footsteps following me and that only motivated for me to move more quickly. 

“Hey, are you okay?” he asked, grabbing me and making me look at him. 

“Please, just leave me alone.” I sobbed.

Yongguk pulled me into his chest and hugged me so tight that I thought we were married again. I wanted to forget everything and lose myself in the thought of the old Yongguk. 

“I just can’t feel that way about you.” he whispered. “I’m sorry. I really am. But I can’t love you.”

“I know.” I said, regaining some strength. “Because you look at her the way you used to look at me. I get it.” 

I turn to walk away. 

“Please-“

“It’s okay.” I said simply. “I understand.”

_______________

I sat in Jini’s classroom and glanced at the clock on the wall. Jini’s performance was going start any moment and Yongguk said that he was going to make it. Although it was only daycare, the teachers thought they should have a dance performance for the children that were going to leave the next year.  

All the children stepped to the front of their classroom all dressed up adorably. I clutched at my phone and considered calling Yongguk but decided against it, since he could have been driving and I didn’t want him to get distracted. 

“Mommy.” I heard a whisper.

I looked to the front of the classroom and saw Jini wearing her adorable bumblebee outfit and her dark hair in two pigtails. I smiled at her and gave a small wave then glancing at the door, waiting for Yongguk to walk in. I turned around just in time to see Jini’s lingering eyes on the empty seat next to mine. 

The show went on, not being able to wait for anymore late parents. I tried to forget about Yongguk and just watch Jini. She sang and danced, her innocent and careless smile, warming my heart. I tried taking as many photos as I could and after the performance was over, the teacher made them each introduce themselves. 

“What’s your name?” the teacher asked her. 

“Bang Jini.” she said shyly. 

“What do you like to do at home, Jini?” her teacher asked again. 

“I like to coloring with my…daddy.”

My chest tightened at the hesitant and uncertainty in her tone. Like the memory was so distant, reminding me how long Yongguk’s forgotten us. By then, Jini’s eyes had dimmed, but I looked at her and smiled, reminding her that she needed to smile. Jini cracked a smile at me as if forgetting the previous matter. 

_______________

“Why didn’t daddy come today, mommy?” Jini yawned, as I drove back home. “Did daddy forget about me?” 

“No, baby.” my grip on the steering wheel tightened unconsciously. “Daddy was busy. But you did so well, you can go perform with daddy one day.” 

Jini let out a squeal of giggle like the idea made her happy. I sighed, tired of lying to Jini but it was the only thing I could do to keep her innocence and carefree nature. If she knew too much and had to worry too much, she’s think differently and act differently. I didn’t want that. 

Stepping into the house, I saw Yongguk coming out from the bathroom, hair still damp with a towel in his hand, drying his hair. Seeing Jini still in her bumblebee costume, Yongguk narrowed his eyes and looked at me. 

“Where did you guys just come home from?” he asked. 

“Jini’s performance.” I said, very angry at him. “You said you would make it.” 

“Uh… sorry.” he starched his head. “I had to babysit Kimhan’s son. I didn’t know the performance was today.” 

I shook my head and couldn’t be bothered anymore. I could be sounding selfish and impatient, but I couldn’t take it anymore. He could ignore me, he could neglect me but he could not deny the fact that Jini was still his daughter and I was so angry that he didn’t seem to care at all. I took Jini’s hand and lead her into her room to change her. 

As I put on Jini’s pajamas on, I heard his footsteps approach the room. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.” he sighed.

“Don’t apologize to me. Apologize to Jini.” I said. 

“It’s okay, daddy.” Jini said, not even waiting for him to speak. “Were you busy?”

Yongguk cleared his throat and nodded. Then there was a silence, like a thick blanket enveloping the entire house. Like there was no more to be talked about. Like there was nothing that could be said to fix the damage. The silence was suffocating, clawing at my throat, gnawing at my insides.

“Daddy, I’ll help you remember.” Jini smiled, walking to him and grabbing a hold of Yongguk’s hand. 

I stepped back in surprise as Jini, my little girl, took an enormous effort to help her dad remember. She took him around her bedroom and showed him everything. Art work that he helped her with, to stuffed toys that he gave her. Photographs of her as a baby and photographs of the family were on her wall and she pointed to it all. 

“Do you remember that, daddy?” she urged. “Do you? That’s you and mommy and me. Do you remember?” 

I looked at Yongguk and saw him look uncomfortable. Not with Jini, but it was like he was in pain, like something was hurt. I was about to approach him, but Jini kept chattering on. 

“Do you remember Tigger, daddy?” she lifted the plush toy to him. “Remember?”

“I don’t remember!” Yongguk suddenly said loudly, clutching his head. “I don’t remember anything!”

A gasp escaped Jini and then a wail came after. Tears flowed from her eyes and she back away from Yongguk quicker than ever. She ran to my side and grabbed onto my leg. My eyes widened and I lifted Jini into my arms, resting her head into my chest. She cried loudly, making my heart constrict with every short breath she took. 

“I’m sorry.” Yongguk panicked. “My head hurts when she reminds me of so many things I don’t remember and I just can’t-“ 

“I don’t know what to do anymore, Yongguk.” I sighed, tears falling from my eyes. “We are both here to support you, but you’re making it so hard for both of us.”  

Yongguk stared at me, like the sight of me crying pained him. After all, I was still his best friend in his eyes. His shoulders slumped and he approached me slowly, scared that I was too mad at him. I considered stepping away, but Yongguk needed a lot of moral support. 

“Jini, I’m sorry.” Yongguk whispered, her head. 

With that Jini sobbed harder, shrieking away from him and snuggling closer to me. I hugged her tighter and rubbed her back. 

“I’m- I’m sorry.” his voice quivered. 

He bent down and lightly kissed the top of Jini’s head. When he pulled away, there were hints of tears in his eyes, but he didn’t stay long enough for me to see. He walked out the bedroom door and didn’t come back. Hugging onto Jini, I sat on her bed and silently sobbed. I wanted him back so badly.