Prompt: canonverse angsy markbum pls

“Sorry about the blood in your mouth. I wish it was mine.

I couldn’t get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time.”

-Crush by Richard Siken

It’s the little things, really.

Mark sees them like a bird of prey picking out the cherry red cardinal amidst the starch white snow. It’s been starving for a while now and sees a meal instead of a brother, sees the blood instead of feathers, the meat instead of wings.  When it swoops down and takes it out in one blow, it does not feel regret.

Jaebum is much like a bird of prey, so in this analogy who would be the cardinal?

—-

The practice room should be empty, the stench of sweat and dreams would linger of course, but the heat and its source should be long gone. Gone like their dance instructor bidding them a good night as he throws on his jacket in haste, he’s missed a date but he’s kept a job. Gone like the manager, who’s waited 4 hours longer than he had too in order to drive everyone safely back home, he’s supposed to look out for them but he’s never said anything when a member is limping back to the car, tumbling from exhaustion. Gone like the trainees whose ambitions stretched for miles but ultimately their vigor and passion did not match up.

Jaebum is heaving, panting as he practices the moves once again. His body is stiff and sore but his eyes are set, he knows what he’s doing, knows what he’s doing wrong. Choreography is nothing like bboying, it relies too heavily on structure, on practice and repetition. The moves are forced and the excitement fades with every mistake. The only time you are satisfied is when you either excel every robotic move or drop down onto the wooden floor, too exhausted to take another step, choosing to accept where you are because that is the only choice.

BBoying is so so much different. It’s about balance, strength, about knowing the way your body moves and the way it works, about saying everything you can’t with your mouth just by twisting and turning alone. When you dance it does not feel forced, or predetermined, there is no right or wrong. When you dance it is supposed to feel free, liberating, there are no shackles on your feet weighing you down, only wings like Hermes, lifting you up.

But Jaebum is not a bboy dancer, not anymore. He is an idol; he sings songs he did not write, practices dances others have made up. He lives in a dorm full of coworkers who call each other brothers and sees his real family twice a year. He’s not sure if it’s the life he wanted, but it’s his now so he goes through the motions, moves his body when told, warms up his voice when asked. Jaebum lost his freedom in the form of an ink stain on a paper.

He knows this, he accepts this, he chose this.

“Are you happy?”

“That…I’m not sure.”

—-

When Mark came to Korea, he did not speak the language and understood the people even less. In LA there is no such thing as seniority, you do not call friends older brother and much less accept drinks when you don’t want too. Korea is different, it’s familiar without being close, using intimate language with people even if your relationship is not intimate.

He meets Jaebum on his third day, he was younger then, with anger that matched his passion. He danced as much as he complained and sang just as loud. He was fearless, filled to the brim with ambitions and dreams that Mark lacked. Mark was a kid too back then, scrawny and skinny, aimless in a country where everyone dreams of something bigger something brighter. Mark dreamed of being back home.

Jaebum noticed him, sized him up and instantly decided he was not a rival, Mark had the face of an idol but his voice was untrained and his body was too stiff. Mark watched Jaebum often, despite only being a year younger the other was so much more ahead than him. He knew what he wanted and strived for it, practiced and studied for it. All while Mark lagged behind.

He’s not sure how it happened but somehow they began to spend time together, on the rooftop during a break, counting the colors of the cars passing by or sharing stories about their hometowns. In late night walks to the park, where Mark would skate and JB would lead the way in his bike. There was nothing keeping them together, Jaebum had his childhood friend Jinyoung in the company with him and Mark had another foreign trainee Jackson that spoke English but yet they still managed to find time for each other, even if it was quietly spent, by the docks looking out into the sea or in the dorm room watching a movie with the subtitles .

It wasn’t until Jaebum debuted that things began to change, his hair color brightened and his name was shortened but the smile on his face was blinding that Mark could never feel envious of him, for the fans he had of the concerts and places he would get to travel too, Mark held his breath and waited, his turn would come soon.

They debut as Got7 two years later and Mark see’s the smile start to fade from Jaebum’s face. They’re older now, far from kids but still too early to be adults. Jaebum gets a huge weight added to his shoulders and Mark gets charged with the task of risking his body for their success. They agree because the ink stains of the papers they signed long ago agree and they’ve come too far now to stop.

Jaebum is a good leader, his tempter has calmed since trainee days and he has more experience than the rest of them to guide them through their debut.  They grow more famous by day and their schedules tighten to the point its almost unendurable, they sleep less than 4 hours a night but the screams from fans are energizing in their own and that keeps them going.

It’s after their showcase debut when Mark lies awake with a smile on his face, thinking that maybe he’s found what he’s looking for, that there’s something out there for him to do, a purpose in life a path to take that was molded in the shape of his footprints.

——

They’re together when Mark realizes something’s wrong.

It’s like the old days because they’re on the company building’s rooftop and the sun is setting in beautiful colors, but its different however because Jaebum’s fingers are entwined with his, thumb caressing the back of his hand gently and Mark feels his eyes fall shut and his heart open.

Jaebum tells him about his new dreams and goals, that he’s studying to be a movie director about what he wants to do and with a sinking feeling in Mark’s stomach he realizes two things. Jaebum has yet to mention Got7 in his future plans and much less Mark.

But Mark nods and smiles, and tightens his hold on Jaebum’s hand, he doesn’t mention he’s noticed the tired look on the leaders face lately, doesn’t mention the fact that he doesn’t smile as much as he used too especially when dancing and certainly doesn’t ask about where he lies in those goals and dreams of his.

Instead, he takes comfort in the warmth coming from their hands and lets that be enough.

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