Chapter 19

Go for another walk, or bike ride and just analyze your thoughts and everything, and see how you still feel about him.     “You need to get away from here, from everything that reminds you of him and relax by yourself—don’t talk to anybody, just clear your mind.”   Taemin’s voice rings in my head—abruptly it makes me empty and sad. Something I’ve wish I could get rid of, since I’ve been feeling a lot of these lately.   I roll over on my back and stare at the ceiling. I remember how he said it, the way his voice trembles when he chooses the correct word, how I couldn’t make his irises look straight at my eyes, and how he was right on everything.    I sigh. I must have hurt Jonghyun too much, to the point where even Taemin can’t take it anymore.  I glance at the window and notice the weather. It looks fine. It’s not snowing at the same time it’s not that sunny. It’s neutral and perhaps perfect to follow Taemin’s advice: to take a walk and rest.   Without wasting any seconds, I jump out of my bed and went to my closet. I changed into my green sweater and ragged shorts. I paired it up with black stockings, jacket and black sneakers. I check myself on the mirror and I thought, it looks good. However, it doesn’t make me comfortable, so I change again into my baggy hoodie and sweatpants.         “There... perfect.” I mutter and give myself two thumbs up for a job well done of dressing up myself.   -   I fly down the staircase and find myself bounding two steps at a time until I landed on the ground floor. Before I disappear in our building, I notice the mailbox and decided to take a look at it. I’ve got a mail. A postcard from my appa, it says:             I’m coming home this holiday. See you soon. Let’s visit mom together, shall we?     I’m not sure on how should I react, but all I know is when I saw my reflection on some the metal mailbox, my eyebrows were crooked and I’m ready to throw his letter.   The thing is, my dad and I used to be close. That was before eomma’s death. But right after that tragic accident, everything changed. Losing my eomma was a real shock to him. He got lost to the point where he left me alone in Seoul and fly off to New York and sort of settle there. That’s how much he loves my mother… enough to leave his only daughter.   Okay. I know he lost the love of his life, his partner. I understand the pain, the sadness, the heartbreak. But had he ever thought of my pain too? I already lost a parent and then there he was, putting all his clothes at his luggage and immediately went off to New York.   That’s one wound that will never go away.   Perhaps, that’s the main reason why I’m like this, this dependent to Jonghyun, because he’s always been there.   Jonghyun had always been by confidant. I was able to pull things together because of him. But now? Everything seems broken and it’s because of me. I’m positive that I want to fix everything and return it to normal.   I stuff the postcard back to my mailbox and head outside the building. On my way out and from my peripheral vision I saw someone, but I did not bother, perhaps it’s just a neighbour.     -   I went to the nearest coffee shop, order some coffee and settle down with a magazine. I flip some pages, read some interesting articles and stop at this specific part. It’s a quiz in the magazine. When we were in high school, Ha Sul Jung and I always borrow the latest magazine from our classmates and we would always skip the first part and would directly check the quizzes. You know, the ones where you have a question and perhaps three or four choices for the answer and then you’ll get the results by computing how many A’s, B’s or C’s you’ve got.   Like I said, Sul Jung and I used to do this I sit up straight, ready to answer them.  Hmm. So what is it about?       Quiz: Are You More than a Friend?        I snorted. Oh great. Of all the topics, I was sort of expecting: How are you doing at school? Or what’s your attitude? I’m ready to close the magazine because it feels weird. Deep inside me, I know what I feel for Jonghyun, I know where Jonghyun and I stand. We’re friends! We’re best friends! But when I read rest, I become uncertain and it made me want to seek the real answer.   After Minho and Taemin and I separately talk about Jonghyun, I got enlighten and that’s the key moment where I realized that Jonghyun and I are best friends. Unfortunately, I’m having doubts again. I’m afraid that I’ll commit the same mistake again for being impulsive and for trusting my feelings too much.  Just