Chapter 18

Tear him apart. Think about everything about him that you didn't like.     10. He’s not afraid to be a little wild and crazy.   11. He’s funny (at times).   12. I know he’s loyal to me and to Sul Jung.   13. He’s always there for me (anytime and anywhere).   Like that time I was feeling empty after the break-up, how he listens to my endless and repetitive story about how hurt I was and depressed about my mom’s absence. With his presence I managed to survive the black years. I was able to stand on my own feet again. He’s always there sitting silently and patiently, he would give me good and reasonable opinion (and sometimes advices),   and he would give me a light pat on my head and he knew that that would make comfortable and at peace.    14. He’s a good listener.   15. He’s diligent.   16. He’s unexpectedly sweet.     Often times he would leave me some chocolate, lollipop, candies under my table, sometimes inside my bag, my locker or somewhere I could find it easily.   Occasionally, Jonghyun would give me roses, then I would notice the thorns are removed and he would reason out if he didn’t remove it I might get prick.   If there’s no candy or roses, Jonghyun would walk towards me, poke me on my cheeks, tilt his head on the right and his eyes will squint because he was smiling and then he would say, I miss you, out of blue.    The list ended at 16. For a while I stop reading and thought, I’m being hypocrite again. Prior to the ‘good point list’ I know I wrote the ‘how much I hate him list’ and it feels weird and crazy. Coz now it’s like and it looks like I’m revoking everything I say.   I close my eyes and contemplate on the day I wrote this. Questions like how and why float in my head. I analyze, consume every word and try to reflect about everything I wrote. Then it occurs to me that all of Jonghyun's good points are written of how I see him as my best friend. It is nothing compare to the hate list.   I flip it into the next page searching and hoping if there are still more of his good points, on how Jonghyun should remind me of how he was and still great, of how I should forgive him and forget everything he did and I do – because Jonghyun deserves more. He’s my best friend, he’s better on that Jonghyun I wrote with full of hatred.    I look at the clock; it’s five in the morning. I still have many hours to finish the script; after all I’m almost done anyway. I set down the notebook, grab a pen and started scribbling.   17. Jonghyun had seen my worst, yet he’s still here for me.   * * *   Someone’s at the door, I can feel it. No. I can hear it. I wanted to walk and open it for him or her, but I can barely move. I feel tired and numb. Sick and sleepy. I can feel the rays of the sun penetrating through my window as it dances and encircles around me. It touches my skin and it burns. It sings my irises.   “Noona?” He asks in whisper. I hear it stridently that it created an echo around my niche. “Are you there?”   It’s Taemin. By the time I hear his voice, my eyes snap open. I try to make it bigger than ever, fighting the urge to sleep again. I walk to the door and open it to him.   “Good aft—” He pauses and smile brightly. He places his thumb on my forehead as if he’s trying to get something out of it. “Good morning sunshine.”   I chuckle lightly. “Why are you so that early?” I scratch my forehead. “What time is it?”   Taemin look at his wrist. Both of us laugh at the sight, he has no watch yet he’s pretending to have one. Unconsciously, I raise my hand upward.  “Hmm. I think it’s past twelve noon.”   “Bwoh?!” I shriek. Taemin must be taken aback coz for the nanosecond I saw his shoulders quiver.   “Noona, you’re pandiculating.”   Instead of getting pissed at myself, I shake my head and grin realizing he’s right. I cover my mouth and relax my hand.  “Taeminnie, have you eaten your lunch yet?” He says no and I’m happy to hear it from him. I ask, “I still have some meat on my fridge. You like that, right?”   “Of course.” He beams at me with full of fun and excitement. I invite him over and I hope Taemin is used to my place (which is always untidy). “Ah noona—” he stops his track as we were halfway going to the kitchen. “—Key hyung wanted me to give this to you.” My ears flare up as I hear Ki Bum’s name. My eyebrows furrowed and I am aware that I glared at Taemin when I spun my head toward his direction. He stretches his arms closer to me and enunciates, “he personally baked it and he says he’s sorry.”   My irritation ended. I get it from Taemin’s hand and feel my cheeks got warm. I mutter, “komawo.”   ---   When I’m done eating, I glance at Taemin. I watch him in delight as he chews on his food in small. I smile at the sight then I notice he looks like he’s still famish. I ask, “More rice?”   His face lit and there’s his chubby cheek again and I thought, aww, Taemin is so cute. He looks like a baby hamster with his blotted cheeks. I say hamster not because he literally looked one, but because if you notice when they eat, they store up the sunflower seeds inside their mouth and continues to munch them.   “Can I?”   My brain freeze. I pressed my lips together, suppressing my smile. Who could ever resist that cuteness? How I wish I have a brother like him, and if I have one that would be fun!      I stand up and stride going to his direction. As I breeze pass by him, I ruffles his head and pinch his cheeks, “Aigoo, our Taeminnie has a big appetite.”     “Gyu-na!”   “Oh?” I shouted back as I cover the rice cooker with its lid. I walk back to the table and exchange it with his bowl.   “You know what? This is the thing what I like most about you.” I look at Taemin with my eyes talking, questioning him with, what do you mean by that?  And as if he can read my actions he looks down and laughs at his self. “Last night, you message me asking what I like about you, remember?”   “Oh… yeah.”   “So… The thing that I like about you is, you always take care of me just like the other hyungs... Komawo.”   My lips curve into a smile. I feel pleased. I lean on the table and pat his head. “Of course, you’re my brother; I’ll take care of you.” I sit back on