I spent the entire day walking back and forth, whacking my head, pulling my hair, slapping myself.

I lost it. I knew it. I lost it.

I lost my mind. 

After the guy left, I couldn't form any intelligible thought. I just leaned on the back of the door for support and stared at nothingness. It took me a while to process things.

Kwon Jiyong, that was him. Why did he use Seungri's name? What is he up to this time? Weren't he able to get the letter I left in his room? It's not that I was expecting this to happen. But the police force having this ties with these people, there's a huge possibility for us to meet again. So I told him not to show  up. I told him not to go my way and remind me who he is. I was basically telling him to off but still it seems he can't grant me even the smallest favor. And I am mad at him for that. Is he just trying to check if I lost my memory of him?

I tried to divert my attention to other things. Music, TV, cleaning my apartment, doing the laundry, but I always go down to one thing– asking myself what the heck is going on.

And now it's nearly seven. I am reheating the left over soup Seunghyun made this morning while serving the food I ordered on the table. Seunghyun said we're going to talk and I can ask. Should we talk over dinner? No. That might be wrong. What if we suddenly argue? No. Not over dinner. He must be tired.

And so am I.

Oh. If the poor man only knows how much question I have in store for him. I'm even already itching to call him now.

I am still lost in my own pool of thoughts when the phone rings suddenly. I run to get it. Perhaps it's Seunghyun and he's telling me he's on his way here. But as I pick up my phone I realize it's not him.

It's CL.

"H-h-ello?"

"Hey..."

"Hey... " I said and my jaw starts to tighten. That's all I am able to say.

There is s long pause and I take a seat as I wait for her to speak. I'm still trying to form an apology speech in my head. I know I really made her feel bad.

"Dara..."

"Look, Chae I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to act that way. I was just really so confused at that moment and I just want to drink and forget. I know I made you feel really bad for not opening up to you lately but–"

"No... Dara, I should be the one to apologize. I'm such a . I feel like an for leaving you there. I... I'm really sorry. I have been wanting to call you but I'm afraid you're still mad at me."

"I am darn so mad at myself, not at you. It's clearly all my fault. But you still asked Seunghyun to pick me up. I'm really thankful, but it adds up more to my guilt."

"Seunghyun?"

"Yeah."

"He picked you up?"

"Yes."

"That's weird." CL ticks her tongue and I frown. What's weird?

"You see, I tried calling him up when I was on my way out of the bar but I couldn't contact him. I tried approaching Seunghyun too this morning to ask if he was able to pick you up and he just nodded. I wanted to ask some more but he shut me out. He's been so busy. So you mean he really picked you up?"

I shut my eyes and take a deep breath while trying to digest her words. So it wasn't CL who told him to pick me up. Why did Seunghyun lie to me? If it wasn't CL, then who informed him?

"Hey, still there?"

"Y-y-es... Yes. I'm sorry..." 

I hear her sigh on the other line. "I gotta go. I'm driving. Talk to me when you're ready to tell me everything that's been bothering you, okay?"

"Sure."

"Okay. So we're good?"

I shake my head and smiled. "We're best." I say and she laughs on the other line. I suddenly hear the door bell ring and I stand up quickly.

"I think Seunghyun's here. Drive safely."

"Will do. Bye."

"Bye." CL hangs up and I am on my way now to check who the person is at my doorstep. I make sure to look at the security cam this time. I've learned so much from my earlier experience.

Thank God it's really Seunghyun. I immediately opened the door for him just in time as he is about to ring the bell again.

"I thought you are not going to let me in." he scoffs and I step aside to give him way. He closes the door behind him and hands me a bag before he goes to change into his slippers. I took a peep inside and I grin when I saw a tub of icecream.

"You got my text didn't you?" I ask and he just nods. I sent him a message to tell him not to buy food for dinner because I already called for delivery. But he didn't even reply. Well at least he cared to buy some dessert.

"I was really busy. I'm sorry I didn't get to reply. How do you feel now?" he asks and I smile a bit.

"Better. So much better. Come on. Let's eat."

He nods and I take him to the dining table. Seunghyun has always been so nice that I always have this urge to reciprocate everything he's done for me. Even now that I just learned he lied to me by saying CL asked him to pick me up, I cannot find it in my heart to question him. I know he did it all for me, just like what he always does.

"I don't know what you want to eat for dinner so I got you some black noodles and vegetables. Oh, by the way... I liked the soup you made this morning. I actually left some for tonight," I turn to him and handed him a pair of chopsticks.

"Thank you. You sure you had breakfast and lunch?" he throws me his uncertain stare and I have to roll my eyes as I sit down.

"Seunghyun, I've been emptying out my stomach since last night. You think I'd still have the energy to clean the entire household and do the laundry if I didn't?" I raise a brow at him and he nods in surrender before picking up some noodles and slurping it hungrily. Poor big guy... I sigh and started taking little spoonfuls of the warm soup.

"How's Seoul today?" I ask.

"Sorry?"

"Sirens rang nonstop the whole day." 

Seunghyun takes a deep breath and stops for a moment. "You can't change anything in one day. It's all the same."

"We lack officers and here I am taking another day off just because I was having a hang over."

"Are you self-analyzing just now?"

"No. I'm figuring out how to start my self-abasement."

"Silly." he shakes his head and goes back to giving his food some attention. I fiddle with my spoon.

"Seunghyun..."

"Hmm?"

"Are you staying for the night?" he stills for a moment and glares at me.

"Do you want me to?"

I avert my gaze and swallow hard. For some reasons I start to grow some dependence on him which my inner self is against of. But I need him. What if that Kwon Jiyong comes back?

I nod and begin eating silently, wanting to give the man some time to enjoy his meal.

"Then I'll stay." he said and I smile a thankful smile at him.

After dinner, Seunghyun excuses himself for shower and to change into more comfortable clothes while I wash the dishes. Here's the thing. I made him use my spare room but he always sleeps on the couch in my living room just outside my room. I don't know but it's always given me that feeling that he's keeping me away from something. Or no... Maybe it's also the other way around.

Thinking about it, maybe he's trying to keep someone away from me. At work... At home... Anywhere I go.

I shake my head and go to my room after cleaning the kitchen. As I brush my teeth, I start to question myself.

Why am I in this job if I can't even protect myself? I feel so pathetic.

Maybe I wasn't really meant for this afterall. Maybe, I got promoted because of connections since dad is the former commissioner general. Maybe I was just blinded by my want to follow my dad, my hero's footsteps, that's why I got myself into this.

And a realization suddenly starts to overwhelm me. 

Maybe I should just quit.

"Dara?"

I snap back to reality and quickly rinse my mouth and sprint towards the door. Seunghyun was standing there holding two ice cream cups and spoons.

"Want some ice cream?"

I nod and he steps aside, allowing me to go ahead and he follows behind me. I reach out for the remote control and turn the TV on and slumped myself on the sofa and soon I find myself playing with my fingers. I don't know if it's because of the fact that Seunghyun promised me we're going to talk that I feel so fidgety but hell,  I really feel so nervous. In the corner of my eye, I see Seunghyun seated on the floor and scooping some icecream.

"You still like vanilla?" 

"Huh?" I whip my head towards him. He smirks and hands me my share of the cold dessert. Do I still like vanilla?

"Oh..." I stare down at my ice cream. "Yeah... You still remember." I smiled and he leans back to the couch.

"Of course. You'd sneak out of the academy only to have a pint or so whenever you feel bad. And I had to cover up for your misconducts." 

"That you still do until now." I tell him and his brows connect.

"Do what?"

"Cover up for my mess."

"Tsch. That's why I tried staying away from you when you arrived in my department. You were screaming trouble when you walked inside CIU's door." 

"Yah!" I protest but he turns away from me. Oh then, pretends to watch tv. I should know. Flashing on the screen is a gory scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and he is smiling. Well, unless he's a sadist. I grab the remote and flip channels until I find a better movie. It's Drew Barrymore in 50 first Dates.

I start to eat in silence as the movie brought back  memories of our college days and CL dragging me to the moviehouse to watch it. I actually hated sloppy mushy movies because I am such a crybaby but after watching this one, it made me realize it's worth my tears afterall.

"Ack!" I grab the towel that suddenly got thrown right on my face. I scowl at Seunghyun.

"Wipe your snot,"

"I wasn't crying!" I snap back.

"Soon you will be." I roll my eyes and take another scoop if ice cream.

"Isn't it amazing though? The guy did that for her." he suddenly wonders.

"Did what?" I ask as I dig in my second serving. 

"Make the girl remember, each and every single day," 

I try to find some trace of humor on his face but his expression is blank. I turn away. Maybe he feels so guilty right now. Talk about memory loss with someone he thinks has it. I purse my lips, holding back in guilt. We're both guilty in our own ways.

"Yeah. He took his chance. Aigoo. That's a big headache. Wouldn't he get tired of doing it? But that's love, right?" I try to laugh it off. "Aisht. Funny what love can make you do–"

"Dara..." I abruptly stop my silliness. He is back to being his normal serious self and I start to feel dread inside.

"I need you to be honest." he settles his cup on the center table and shifts on the couch to face me. "You've been having really bad nightmares. Tell me what you see in it. Tell me what's been bothering you."

"A lot. I don't know where to start." I settle my gaze down. I wish he could just read my mind so I don't have to go through all of this conversation. It scares me. But I can trust Seunghyun, right?

"Kwon Jiyong." he blurts out instantly that it made me whip my head his way.