Bleak... Grim...

I look ahead at the gray covered sky as I sit on a bench, taking in the view, letting my thoughts wander as I drown myself in nothingness.

I scoff at a sudden realization. My life isn't too different.

My past's too grim... And my future is just too bleak.

That leaves me with now. Now is my only life. My hope.

Dr. Park's revelations were too much for me to handle. I try to force myself to remember any detail until my head almost exploded from the pounding pain yet still, there was none. CL was watching me all along as I cried and broke down. There was a part of my life, all forgotten and buried in the past.

And I never had any idea it happened.

And here I am, still I try to contain all their revelations inside my head yet still, I cannot seem to process it. There were too many, and though I wanted to agree to Dr. Park that losing my memories had saved me from my misery, part of me is still protesting.

It's the same reason why I feel like walking on thin ice right now.

I close my eyes and hug myself, trying to withstand the cold but then I realize the coldness inside me is starting to eat me.

I want to hate dad. I really want to hate him.

"Sandara, get in. It's cold."

I am startled by Jiyong's voice behind me. I turn to him and he is standing by the doorway, staring at me with an impatient expression. I look away once more.

"I told you not to think too much. If you keep doing this then don't expect me nor noona to tell you more." He says but I didn't budge. I hear his footsteps towards me.

"Come on in, please," he kneels before me and clasps my hands in his. He is warm. So warm he scorches my numbed skin.

"Tokki?"

"Let me stay here. Please." I smile at him. "I'll be fine,"

He looks at me and his jaw tightens as he purses his lips. "You look so weary. Look..." he takes a deep breath and shuts his eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't know noona will tell you so much this soon."

I force another smile at him. I feel sorry for Dr. Park. I heard how Jiyong confronted her a while ago as soon as we arrived home. He was furious. He even raised his voice at me when I tried to stop him. And that's the reason why I went out of the house.

"It's okay. I appreciate each and every detail. It's part of me. It's the missing part of who I am. I deserve to know,"

"No... I'm sorry," 

I understand, Jiyong... I understand...

He breathes out and kisses the back of my hand, tickling my skin with his growing stubbles. His dark brown hair falls down, covering his eyes and I realize he's grown some years older just by watching over me. By keeping me to his side. When was the last time he had a haircut? When was the last time he took care of himself?

"You're hair is getting long," I murmur and he looks up to me with his brows arched. I reach out to touch his hair. "Why don't you get a haircut?"

"I don't think that's really advisable right now," he catches my hand and brings it back in his. 

"Why?" I ask and he just shakes his head. "Jiyong?"

He shrugs. "I almost killed Seungri when he shaved my hair until I was almost bald... Youngbae doesn't know any style other than mohawk..."

"Then where do you go for a haircut?"

"To the docks." He lowers his head and rubs his thumbs on the back of my hands. "Kiko is the one who always gives my hair a quick fix," he says and I roll my eyes at the first sound of the name. 

Oh please, not her again. I huff then bite my cheek.

"I just got used to it. I... I am not just comfortable with any other members aside from my men..."

"And Kiko." I cut him off and he shuts his eyes.

"Tokki, don't be mad. Please?"

"I'm not. I just... Kwon Jiyong, tell me. Who is she to you?"

He looks surprised for a while. He squints his eyes after a while and looks down at our hands.

"Nothing."

"It doesn't seem like it,"

"Sandara... Don't take it that way,"

"Oh. I get it..." I pull my hands away from him. 

"Sandara..."

"Kwon Jiyong..." my voice cracks just by the mention of his name. I cannot hold it in any longer. Certainly, within that eight long years of being away from each other, a lot has happened. Did he fall for someone else? Did he fancy some other girls such as Kiko? Who else? Had we not met each other again during my first mission, would he show up and remind me of what I missed in my life? 

I don't think so. He said he had already made a vow to stay away. Did I ruin something when I came back in his life?

But who am I to him? Where do I stand in his life now?

"What are we?"

I ask and he drops his mouth open. There, I said it. I have been keeping myself from blurting it out for the longest time but now that those words have gone flying out of my mouth, I feel relieved. Free.

My next emotion relies on what he has to say.

He rakes his hair and stands up, running his hand down his face.

"I thought you understand—"

"I thought I do too. But I don't. I realize I don't. What are we, Jiyong? Now that I already know what really happened before, what are we? Did I ruin another relationship? Am I making it hard for you?"

"No. Why are you being like this?"

"Because what we are now... Is just as confusing as learning what we were before." I lower my head and blink away the forming mist in my eyes. I have never felt so worn out all my life... Until now.

"Tell me..." I close my eyes. "Just tell me,"

He doesn't answer. Instead, he guides me up and forces me to look at him.

"Look at me... Look at me... I am someone who does not belong in your world. Back then, I have always known I was never good enough for you. I knew, I was not supposed to love you. I cannot love you. But I did, and look where it took us. Where did it take you? That blank look in your eyes everytime you look at me as if there's always that doubt in your head... That confusion written all over your face... Your pain... The hate you feel... It's because of me. It was all because of me."

No. I wanted to tell him. It was because of dad.

"I was never scared of pain... Not even of death. The only thing I am afraid of is to see you get hurt, all because of me."

"Jiyong... It's been years—"

"It's been years, yes. And all those years. But if I had to do it again, if I need to go away again and watch you from afar, I'd do it if it's all for your safety. I don't mind the pain. I have been there. Now if you are asking what you are to me, I don't believe it's just love. Because more than love... You are my life, Sandara." 

I blink away the tears in my eyes as I bite my lip. It's breaking my heart to see him holding back his tears, his pain. I didn't mean to doubt him. But can anyone blame me? Just the thought of him in other women's arms all those years and I am already breaking.

"I am not a good man. I was never one. I have made so many mistakes and I don't have any right to love you even until now.  But please... Please, let me fix everything until I am deserving of you."

I cover my mouth with my hands. I am shaking. 

What good have I ever done to beloved by this kind of man?

All my uncertainties fly away. 

Why do I keep on asking questions when the answer is right here before me?

I don't know what to say. Instead I find myself wrapping my arms around him and crying my heart out.

I love him. Oh God, I love him.

And I will never allow him to leave me ever again.

No matter what happens.

             ******************************

I wake up somewhere in the middle of the night from another nightmare and my first instinct is to be close beside Jiyong but when I turn to his side, the bed is empty. He's not there. I sit up and look around. Did he get up?

I walk out of the room and heard a few murmurs. Voices... It was CL and Minzy.

"I know it's really disappointing to find out that one of your closest friends has betrayed you."

"I don't think he wanted to betray us. Maybe he has his own reasons for it,"

"Geez... What do you mean reasons? Pscht. Choi Seunghyun is a man full of greed. He just wanted to get a higher position. Unnie knows."

"Reporting the aids' illegal activities outside the lair... And a proposition to eliminate the aids from service, do you think that will get him promoted? I don't think that's the case. Dr. Park left him for the Lair, and now Dara too..."

"So what is it you're suggesting?"

"If Chief won't listen to Dr. Park tonight, I think he might listen to Dara"

I furrow my voice at the mention of my name. What does CL mean? And where is everyone else?

"Tsch. We can try that. We need to solve this without the knowledge of the head or else, you are all done for,"

"Are you threatening me?"

"No. I just want you to know what the people of Area 1 are capable off, missy. We aren't trained to kill for nothing," it was Minzy and I catch a glimpse of her wiping her gun while CL is on the floor across her.

"Should I be scared now? Why don't you say that to me when your leader arrives?" CL sneers and Minzy just throws her a dagger-like glare before standing up and inserting her gun at the back of her jeans.

"I'm gonna go check on Hayi. Stay there on guard until I come back."

"Yah! I am not supposed to be guarding you guys here!"

"Tell that to your useless crippled friend,"

I clamp my mouth and dashed back into the room when Minzy stood up. That hurts. I might be useless, but I am not crippled.

But then, a thought occurs inside my head.

Kwon Jiyong won't risk taking CL here without a purpose. Could it be?

Did Seungri tell Jiyong about what he heard during CL's phonecall back at the docks? I remember mindlessly telling CL that Seunghyun said he wanted the lair eliminated. ! There is a possibility he did. It was something that could be a threat to the Lair and he might have told Jiyong about it.

That could be it! I slapped my forehead. That's why he asked for Dr. Park and Hayi's presence. To pacify Seunghyun so he won't push through with his plans? I don't know.

But I remember asking Jiyong last night about CL. What if he was just waiting for me to speak up about it?

I need to talk to him as soon as possible. I need to at le