Disappointed.

That’s how I feel these days.
Disappointment isn’t an unfamiliar feeling to me. I get disappointed all the time. And I can cope with that. I learned to stop expecting so much from people and suddenly I’m not so disappointed anymore.
But this time it feels different.
This disappointment touches me in a way none of the previous ones have. I guess it is because this time I am not disappointed at others. It is different because I am disappointed at myself.

I am displeased by the way I act.
Just a single beep of my phone has me up on my feet and neglecting all of my responsibilities. Just a flash of Jongin’s name on my cellphone’s screen is already enough for me to say that it will be a good day. Just a nod from him makes me feel so alive. Just a single hello brightens up my day. Just a single conversation keeps me up at night.
Just a single question : “Would you like to go out for a movie sometime?” has me feeling like the most powerful, wonderful and important person in the world.

It doesn’t matter that the date could’ve been better.
It doesn’t matter that I could’ve actually combed my hair before going out to meet him. It doesn’t matter that he was the most handsome guy there. It doesn’t matter that I’ve seen that movie two times before the date. It doesn’t matter that we bickered on who pays for the tickets. It doesn’t matter that a girl with an obnoxious laughter ruined the movie for me. It doesn’t matter that it was pouring cats and dogs when the movie ended. It doesn’t matter that we had ramen for dinner. It doesn’t matter that both of us were soaked by the rain. It doesn’t matter that I had the best time of my life.
I am disappointed that I am not disappointed anymore.