Pain.

I heard that no suffering can measure to the pain of a broken heart. It doesn’t matter how it was broken or who broke it. It may be your father, your mother, your sibling, your friend or your lover.
In the end the pain stays the same.
I never had my heart broken. I was never in love.
But sometimes I feel it.
I feel my heart breaking when I look at him. When he is far away and out of reach. When he is so close to me but I can’t touch him. I can’t be with him when I need him. I can only watch him from a far and curse myself for being an idiot. For being too shy to start a conversation. For being too distant from everyone else to be friends with him. For being too boring to start a conversation with.
But my pain is bearable.
Hope is what keeps me alive. Hope that someday he will look my way. Hope that he still remembers my name. Hope that he thinks of all of the things we talked about. Hope that he finds me more interesting than any other girl he has talked to. Hope that somewhere in his heart there is a tiny space left for me. Hope that sometimes he thinks of me.
But sometimes it’s hard.
It’s too hard to hold onto this hope and the pain becomes too unbearable. That’s when I feel like giving up. What’s the point of looking at someone who doesn’t look at you? What’s point of spending so much time thinking about someone who doesn’t think of you?
And these thoughts came back the other day. They filled my head as I was standing by the windows in front of my locker, waiting for the time to pass by. They almost convinced me, those thoughts. And then there was a presence beside me. It felt so distant yet familiar at the same time. As I looked at the window I saw Jongin in the reflection. Standing proud right next to me and looking right at me.
“Long time no see, huh?”
And then it seemed like there was no doubt in the first place. That the hope was just lurking in the shadows and waiting for a good moment to become stronger. And as he wrote down my digits into his phone the hope became so big that it started to hurt me. It felt like all of the air has left my lungs and my head felt like it was bursting.
It was a new kind of pain. And I kind of enjoyed it.