Sungjong rolled over and faced the wall, stifling a groan. He forced himself to lie perfectly still and closed his eyes, breathing as evenly as he could. Just because he still couldn’t get to sleep – damn all these pregnant things – didn’t mean he couldn’t fake it. Going through this thing, this kind of experience that he never thought having, and keeping it as secret made Sungjong felt rather lonely. He also hated it when the only thing he did nowadays was worrying about the future.

And thinking about walking on the terrifying future alone only made him angry, and then he would remember why he was angry and would start feeling those stupid chest pains, and then the hurt would make him frustrated again – and of course, then the frustrating would shoot back up into anger. Along with that went exasperation with them both and that same bout of nausea he got when he thought too hard about Myungsoo.

If only he could figure out why that thought made his chest tighten unpleasantly.

Damn him, too.

The whole thing really was ridiculous, and he wasn’t doing anyone any favours by pushing it. He still wanted to push it, though… despites he was freaking tired.

Physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted.

Sungjong shut his eyes tight, and did his best to ignore the twitching, crawling feeling that told him something was wrong with the situation that needed fixing. In the moment, the feeling went straight to his stomach and transformed into rolling nausea.

Sungjong rubbed his tummy when he felt his baby wasn’t totally agree with him, thus, the result Sungjong felt a sharp pain there.

“Sorry. Sorry,” he muttered breathlessly, coping with the upraising discomfortness. “God help me, the very next time I see Lee freaking Sungyeol, I’m going to throw a few good punches. His baby is all but hate me.”

Sungjong groaned and balled his body to fetus like position.

Maybe he let a too loud noise that led to knocking on his door.

“Sungjong!”

Sungjong forced a small relief smile to himself, because he indeed relieved, when he heard his Busan’s hyung who was at his door. If he could get up and hug Hoya, then he would. But he was in so much pain to even open his eyes and looked at Hoya properly.

“Sungjong, what’s wrong?” Hoya questioned in a gentle voice when he got closer and sat next to him on his bed, cringing after realizing what a stupid thing to ask it was. Hoya frowned as he told himself that Sungjong was having that pain in his tummy again like the other day. That showed Sungjong was overstressed and upset.

Sungjong whimpered while looking blindly for Hoya’s hand. Hoya quickly reached out his hand and held Sungjong’s first and the maknae was practically squeezing the rapper’s hand and made the older guy winced in pain too but Hoya paid no mind to that.

It must hurt so badly. Hoya thought.

“Sungjong,” Hoya called out softly. “Sungjong, can you hear me?” Sungjong nodded, still squeezing his hyung’s hand. The pain reminded Sungjong not to think too hard, or better yet not to think at all until his baby was safely born into the world. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.

“Sungjong, I need you to calm yourself. Calm down.” With Hoya’s command, Sungjong relaxed a bit. A part of him was happy, knowing Hoya was there for him, with him, and he admitted Hoya was right.

Calm down!

Sungjong shouted in his head. This was his body, and he ought to be able to control and get a hold of himself.

At the less sound Sungjong made, Hoya continued, “Now, now, take a deep breath. That should help you.”

In count of three, Sungjong did as he had been told.

1, 2, 3..

Sungjong did it twice and he could feel the pain slowly fading. He took another deep breath before let it out a bit louder than necessary. For once in his sad, sorry life, he felt on top of things. He felt strong. He felt just a little bit spiteful against the world too, and the last breath he let out was an outlet. Well, sort of.

At least, I know now that I don’t need him all the time. I can do it by myself. I don’t need him.

After a moment of silence, Sungjong asked casually, trying to sound teasing while Hoya wiped off the sweats on Sungjong’s forehead. “Hyung, have you ever thought of being, I don’t know, hm, a doctor or paramedic perhaps?” Hoya’s laugh rang out clear and loud throughout the room. Sungjong couldn’t hold the stare and cracked into grin. He was still gasping for air.

Keeping his hands to himself, Hoya looked down at Sungjong. “Why?” Hoya was flashing him a small smile.

“Well, let’s say you just saved my life just now.”

“What? You were dying?” Hoya asked, jokingly while helping Sungjong sitting up.

“I was! I was dying!” Sungjong said in serious tone. Then, he softened, “At least that was what I thought.”

Hoya’s face fell a little with that. Pity, sympathy and sorry written all over it. “Was it that bad?”

Sungjong nodded. “Every single time,” he answered whispery. It was almost like he wanted Hoya to know the truth but at the same time he didn’t.

“I’m sorry,” Hoya’s voice matched the level of Sungjong’s whisper.

“Nah, don’t be. It’s merely my fault, though. I acknowledged now, every time I over think or-or upset or too tired, she seems doesn’t like it much, so-” Sungjong shrugged with a sort of what-can-you-do quirk of his lips.

“She?” Hoya’s eyebrows rose. Sungjong chuckled quietly as he wrapped his one hand over his middle protectively. “Yesterday, I thought the baby is a boy. But today, I feel it’s a girl.” A smile twitched at Sungjong’s lips, and when Hoya copied the same expression, Sungjong’s smile widen.

“So, you’re hoping for a girl?”

“Not really, per se, a boy would work just fine. I just want my baby is healthy is all. But don’t you think having a girl would be great? None of us is having sisters as siblings except for Gyu hyung and Dongwoo hyung. We all are dudes, sometimes I admit it’s boring,” both Hoya and Sungjong chuckled. “So yeah, having girl is such thrill.”

“Just like us taking care of Jiae!” They both said together. “To be honest, I really want to buy all the girly stuff for someone too,” the rapper added quickly. “Dresses, skirts, anything in pink, you know girls’ stuff. It’s cute.”

“Wow, if the baby is really a girl, I almost can see she would be spoil rotten by you already.”

“What’s wrong with that? Your baby deserves some love from me. I think if the fans know about your baby too, I won’t be surprised if there’s a fansite for her, or him, just like us. Our little sweetheart will be the Nation’s Eternal Love.” Hoya smiled tenderly.

“Wow, hearing such a good words from you makes me feel much better. Thank you,” Sungjong said with pure sincerity. It did feel good when sometimes not think about bad things that the future might hold.

But..

Sungjong’s relief was extremely short-lived. A throb pain and distress shook his mind again. Hoya became alert to the sudden change of the mood in front of him.

“Hyung, I’m.. scared,” Sungjong murmured, forcing himself to shove every feeling down and away, and his voice betrayed nothing to the other man. Sungjong tried to get his stupid, God so stupid, emotions under control. More than once, the world blurred before his eyes.

God, can’t the hormone roller-coaster ride be more fun than this? Thanks.

“I’m all ears, Sungjong.”

“So, my parents once asked me who my baby daddy is. They were certain that the person is one of you. They wanted whoever the person is to step up, confess, admit and take full responsibility on both the baby and me. Jokingly I said my baby is going to be Lee – Lee as me, taking after my name. The baby is my own and sure, what she or he would be unless a Lee, right? But honestly, I never thought the baby is really going to be Lee. I don’t know either it’s a good thing or it’s a bad thing. I don’t.. know.” Sungyeol’s images played in Sungjong’s head and he felt so weak.

Hoya reached for Sungjong’s hand. “Perhaps, we can talk with Sungyeol, explain slowly and make him understand.”

“What if, what if, Yeol hyung refuses? What if he doesn’t want the baby? And me? Well, he and I are kind of stuck together here. Like it or not, we’re about to be parents.” Sungjong groaned, not believing he just said that.

“Things would work out, we could try.” Hoya might be playing the positive card and he hoped he played it right but a big part in his heart doubt that could work smoothly. Sungyeol was a nice guy. Maybe a bit childish