December 22, Saturday, at 12 pm

WIFE

I’ve lost to the game again, this is the third weekends that my future husband could ignore me. I started to think wrongfully but I was just suspecting things which I can‘t accept to myself that the word doubt is starting to compose in me. 

I was in the shopping mall when I saw my husband, he told me he’s with a friend so I think what he said is true, he’s with this guy, maybe one of his good friend. I can’t recognize the guy and so I assume what I’m thinking is true, a great friend. They both laughed, same as flirting, but I didn’t gave a damn meaning into it. They are both guy, how could I think of anything aside from having a bonding with his friend.

I didn’t bother to interrupt with their so called bonding that I assume it was it only. I just sighed and thought, maybe I suffocate him already and he needed some time to enjoy before giving his whole responsibility on me. I smiled and just turned around and gave his freedom, that maybe he already wished to have it, to enjoy, he will be mine soon anyway.

I went to a restaurant and met my friend too, we chat, we shopped to other malls but I can’t erase the picture of my husband giggling non stop, almost rolling on the floor while laughing together with that guy. I felt jealous, because he never did that to me, he never laugh that hard in our entire relationship, he didn’t hug me while holding his stomach due to so much laugh.

Our time had passed and my watch says it is already 5 pm. My friend left since she needed to get home before 6 to prepare her husband’s dinner. I wish I am like her when I get married to my fiance, cook for him, taking care of him, and I want my husband to just give me a smile and a kiss when he gets home, to have a simple life and build our family, I won’t wish it to be perfect because I know there is lacking in me that he can’t be satisfied, and I don’t know that time what is it.

I have nothing to do and as the darkness covers the night, I decided to go to the club where I went when I came first here in korea, alone. I was depressed that time so I need noise to cover up my mind. And now going to the same place and needed the noise to cover up my wrongful thinking about my husband to be. This is the third time visiting this place actually and the second time is the time when he started to change.

I entered the dark with this dancing lights and nonstop bouncing music. I search a place but seems it’s too crowd that night. I went to the bar and smiled to the bartender, he smiled back at me sheepishly.

“can I asked? I almost shouted to them due to the loud music..

“what is it? They response..

“why Is your vocalist changed? where is the other one? The one who entertained us few weeks ago? I questioned..

“ahhh..he’s not working here anymore..they told me…

I pouted, that waiter before is nice and I had to thank him for accompanying my boyfriend that time when I asked him to.

“hyun joong? I formed to my lips when I saw a figure who looks like my boyfriend..

I stood up and walked away from the bar, the bartender run to me and offered another drink to me. I refused and I look at him with puzzle.

“hyun joong!!! I called but he didn’t hear me, they didn’t hear me..

They are too close, my boyfriend back hugging a friend which I rarely have. It felt jealous but no, they didn’t mean anything, I was just too suspicious this day. I followed them until they reach the top and went to the place where we were entertained before.

I gasped and I don’t know what to do when my eyes grew wide and I was shocked, surprised and muttering some words are not enough to release regain my right senses. I almost fell on the floor and wanted to jump from the second floor from where we are, to the first floor. My lips were shaking, my whole body is trembling. 

“hyun joong,,I gasped,,

I have no words to say, but my mouth was dropped open. How I wished it was a nightmare, but no, not until I felt a hand holds mine. I look down to that cold shaky hand and look up again to the owner.

I don’t know what to say, what to asked, or how to express myself, how to say what’s in my mind, until a drop of tear escaped from my eyes. I couldn’t utter any word but I manage to give a question by gazing at the other man standing three steps away from us. I became mute, only my eyes could communicate to my boyfriend who can’t even say any word to ease the pain inside my heart. 

I froze until someone bumped on my back. I lowered my head and shove the hand holding mine. Walking away slowly with my weak knees, with my lacking breath. I exited the dark place I exited to this darker truth. If this is nightmare, I want to wake up already. He followed me behind, following my every step until we reach the highway. I’m out of mind, I felt an explosion in my chest and my brain is about to give up too.

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HUSBAND

Same date at 7 pm

It was really a careless day, we went out to have fun, watch movies in the afternoon and have lunch to celebrate our 2nd week being together. After that we decided to go to his previous workplace since it was already a week since he dropped his work from the club. 

We were happy, giggling the whole day, we didn’t care the people around us, he’s too attach to me lately, doing skinship even outside the house. Kissing me, hugging me, we were like a newly bloom teenage couple. With my status, I didn’t care too, al I did is wear glasses and mask to cover my face and we both wore a hoody jacket for us not to be recognize.

We enter the club, it was dark and no one can recognize us actually, I wrapped my arms and lock my fingers on his chest and we walk sticking together. We slowly took the stairs and as we reach the top he pulled me towards the usual place.

“I love you..he said with a giggle and bit his lower lip which I find it seductive.

“I love you too,,I replied and bite his lips softly which makes him squeal..

 He his lips and smirked at me. I chuckled and cup his neck as I planted a passionate nibbled on his sweet lips.

He slip his cold hand under my shirt and flattened it on my back. We exchange kisses for seconds until I noticed him that he already paused. He quickly pulled out and wiped his lips while staring with wide eyes behind me.

I swallowed my liquid in my mouth when I saw the reason. It was ritchelle, the woman whom I will share an altar next month, she’s blank, I can see her shocked face whenever a light passed through her. I let go of my man and went to my shocked girlfriend. I hold his hand though I feel really nervous, im shaking, trembling. She became mute, and there’s no confrontation.

She look at the man behind me and look at me again. I have no choice but to be quiet, since I myself don’t know what to say. Shoving my hand away from her, she turned around and slowly made her steps away from me. I tried to stop her but she just glare at me with her tears. 

I went to saeng but he only nodded, pushing me away from him. He gave me a smile, a simple smile of understanding me, but it was a forced one.

“I’m sorry..I told him and squeezed his hand. I don’t want to leave him that time but I had too. 

I left him and I followed my girl, slowly following her behind. Until we reach the highway. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to start actually.

“ritch, honey, please, let’s go home, let’s go back to the car…I told her as softly as I can..

She didn’t response. She suddenly crossed the lane, I pulled her back to me when a car is coming her way.

“I’m sorry,,I’m sorry,,I said  and hugged her tight..

She just cried, suddenly burst in tears, we fell on the ground while holding her, while repeatedly saying I’m sorry. I have no other word in mind other than sorry. It’s unexpected, I didn’t able to prepare, because all I have in mind is him, all I have in mind is that I felt so happy for the first time with the real me, the real kim hyun joong. I jailed myself to what my parents plans for me, I let myself be embraced to the world that I don’t belong, I tried to convince myself that this is me, but when saeng came to me, I realize how important happiness is, how important accepting your true self, and how important to become true to yourself.

She pushed me and suddenly rode the taxi that was parked on the side and left me. I was so desperate and tried to stop the taxi but it was fast.

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THE LOVER

Saeng didn’t had the intention to break any relationship, he was just in love and all he wanted for his life is to be happy, he wants to feel how happy life was before he will take the risk on his life. It’s just happen that the one his heart chose to love has a commitment. And so he needed to accept that he is illegal. He fell sat on the chair and ruffled his hair.

“young ah,,I saw your boyfriend’s girl…the waiter came and told him..

“she saw us…she caught us…the boy uttered with a force smile…

“what? The waiter exclaimed…

“give me some drinks..the usual…he ordered…

“aren’t you going home,,hyun joong might go to you….the waiter said…

“no,he’s not…they need to talk….saeng replied..

“but wait,,you must go home I think you look pale and, can you avoid drinking first… you know how scary your doctor is,,he might come here again and scold us…go home…the waiter remind him…

“it’s okay,,just one bottle..please? He wrinkled his nose and beg..

“haisstttt,,after this one bottle you have to go home.. The waiter reminded him again…

Saeng chuckled, he finished the bottle but after that he continuously asking for another until he got drunk. He can’t decide, now that their relationship have been revealed, he became hopeless again.

“tsk,,yahhh heo young saeng, do you really want to die early? Kyu jong came, his best friend, as well as his doctor.

“eo…kyu..I need water,,,my head hurts…the boy buried his face on the table…

“where are your pills? Kyu asked while searching the pockets…

“I don’t have, I finished them all already…saeng response holding his head…

“you idiot,,what are you doing to yourself? I gave you a bottle and you finished them all in one week?, are you trying to overdose yourself?..kyu scolded him..

“I’m sorry,,I just had a date with hyun joong but I’m going to see you tomorrow…saeng said with his drunk voice,,just give me one first please…

“you are the most stupid person I have known,,you know that..you refuse to take the surgery and now you’re not taking your medicines..for goodness heo young saeng!!!! Kyu yelled and took the bottle of pain reliever in his bag that he actually prepared for him since this boy didn’t came to the clinic..

Kyu take him home. Saeng is still drown in alcohol, he held his patient on waist while taking him to the elevator.

“hey heo young saeng, your passcode…kyu asked the drunk boy..

“I will punch it,,saeng volunteered and went to the machine..

The door swung open and they both fell on the floor.

“young saeng? The person waiting behind the door spoke…

“haisssttt..kyu hissed…

“who are you? Hyun asked..

Kyu just sighed. Hey young saeng let’s go to your room..he turn to the friend who was still not awaken from alcohol.

“what happen to him and who the hell are you? Hyun asked again, with hard tone this time.

“can you just help me take him on his room first before you ask? Kyu said angrily..

Hyun followed the command since his boyfriend is really out of conscious. They laid him on bed. Kyu took out his equipments and checked the boy.

“what are you doing? Hyun asked confused..

“take some warm water here and a glass of water..kyu commanded again.

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WIFE

I got home crying, hyun joong followed me but I refused to talk to him. I’m not ready to confront and interrogate him. I’m too shock to realize everything that time and processed everything in my mind.

I didn’t opened my door even if he begged me to. I can’t face him yet. He left when he gets tired. When i didn’t responded to his plead. I know he wants to explain everything to me eagerly but I am not ready to hear his words yet. When I caught him kissing with that guy, it explained to me already why I feel lacking to him every time we're making out, when I see him laughing and flirting to that guy, it tells me already what he wants to tell me that time. But I don’t want to hear them, I don’t want to hear the exact words that explains everything. 

I shed tears and still have my tears, and it’s already midnight, too quiet, all I can hear are the echoes of my sobs. I was laying on bed but my eyes are wide awake. Even if I count too many sheeps in mind just to fall into my deep slumber, all I can see are the countless of smiles and sounds of their laughs, all I can picture in my mind are not the sheeps hopping on the fence but the picture of them sharing sweet kisses together, their touches to each other and how their eyes met, they look so inlove.

I don’t know how to accept it, I don’t know how to convince myself that he just made a mistake and it can be forgiven. But even if I count so many good things that he had given to me, and count all the days that we look so happy, I can’t just help myself to ease the pain striking in me. Because counting all those good memories, my fingers are not enough for it to be exact while knowing this bad thing he had done to me, I can’t put up my finger to start counting on it. Because it hurts me a lot, I felt cheated, betrayed and fooled. It’s just too painful, what more if I hear him saying what was that scene all about.

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HUSBAND

She’s mad at me, I can’t blame her, I’m at fault, I cheated on her. I don’t want to hurt her but I just can’t refuse to my call. The call of real me, the real me. I tried to talk to her but she didn’t wanted me that time. I know why, of course it’s too painful for her. I left her and didn’t bother her, she needs time of course and besides I‘m not prepared yet for all the confrontations..

I went to saeng, expecting him at home, but he’s not there. I’m calling his phone but I can’t reach it. I was worried and decided to go back to the club to look for him but when I was about to exit the unit, I heard it and someone is punching the code which I suspect it was him. I’m right, it was him but with another man. They fell on the floor in front of me as I opened the door fully because I really want to hug him immediately.

I asked, the man whose with him answered me but I notice saeng being unconscious. The man asked me to take him in the room and I gladly obeyed and helped him though I am curious. I bet this man is not a lover or a customer or past customer that he escorted because he didn’t asked me back or he didn’t run to avoid me.

The man begun to my boyfriend’s shirt with me watching them and started a short check up. A doctor? I thought.

“what are you doing? i asked, I‘m curious and confused at the same time..

“take some warm water here and a glass of water..he commanded again.

I walked to the kitchen and took a basin of warm water and followed by a glass of water. I don’t know what he was doing but I let him done without asking. He took some pieces of pills and woke the boy to sit. Saeng didn’t opened his eyes but followed the instruction of the guy, he feed him the pills. He laid him back and injected something to him. I saw my man furrowing his eyebrows and winced a little.

I walked out of the room and waited for some couple of minutes before the guy came out. I went to  him and look at him. Without my words, he sat on the sofa and begun to talk.

“he has a tumor, it wasn’t that severe that time,,I don’t want to blame you but you are the reason why he hadn’t accepted the surgery. He wants to find you, he said that, if he will gonna meet you again, he will take the operation. It took time before he met you again but he’s refusing to take the surgery again. He’s afraid that he will not gonna wake up anymore and he can’t see you again..

“he knows me already even before? I asked…

“yes, he escorted a customer that time and he met you in a party. From that day, he always told me that he will meet you again if he continue to that customer but he failed, he didn’t met you again, until one day he told me that you’ve been his customer in the club..

“but wait,,go back to the tumor,,why he had that? I asked again…

“actually it was just a damage, he was hit in the head when he tried to help his mom and father from the robbery,,anyway it’s a long story. His head had a damage which cause his head to bleed inside, we cured it already but after just one year, there are symptoms in him that we found out that he had a tumor in the brain, he’s afraid to take the surgery because the outcome is that, he will forget everything about him, he agreed at first until he met you, he postponed the surgery and always move the date until now. He was then scared that he will forget you, he begged to have time until he will meet you again, but now the tumor is spreading already and he needs to take the surgery because it’s too late or else,….

“I’ll convince him..I’ll talk to him to undergo surgery.. I cut him. I am already afraid to know everything..

He left and I went to him. I took his hand and cup it on my both hands. There’s no exact words that I can say to him rather the three words that he always reminds me how special I am. I love you, I love you and I love you, the three words I often receive as my gift everyday. Words that can explain everything about myself, three words that express my true intention of him. He always whisper to me those three words wherever we are.

Now I understand what he meant when he told me, don’t stop the wedding, when he told me that in few weeks I could see and understand what he meant. Now I understand why he always want me to be with him, when he always tells me that he will always remembers me, when he always say to me that I will remain in his heart, that he is afraid to wake up one day that I am no longer with him.

I run my thumb in his lips and kissed them softly. My tear suddenly run down my cheeks. I don’t know what I can do now, he needs me and my wife-to-be needs me too. I was truly in love for the first time but ritch is someone who is important to me too. I ruined their life, I ruined both of them. Me, who wants to find my true self and me who wanted to feel what true love means, is causing this troubles of the two important persons in my life.

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December 23, Sunday, 8 am

WIFE

I’m not sure what I’m doing at that time, I was waiting for my boyfriend to come out of the building of his unit until I saw him with his car. I tailed behind him. We’re driving an hour when he finally stopped in front of a building which is not his work place. He gets inside and I waited in my car.

After 30 minutes he came out again, my curiosity fire me up. I let him drive few blocks away and I entered the building, I asked the information and I instantly access his business inside. I rode the elevator and stopped at the 5th floor where I was instructed to go.

I stood in front of the door and look up at the 3 number composed for the room number. 501. I swallowed my excess saliva  but I’m carrying the heaviness in my chest and the eager to know something.

I knocked. It was just few seconds when the image of the guy appeared in the monitor. I gulped. I thought he won’t gonna open the door but I saw him behind it and led me inside without any question, I assume he knows me. I suddenly remember who he was. The wiater I asked to accompany my fiance that night, that night when I had to leave him. 

I wander around. The place is more likely the same as hyun joong’s, from the furniture to the color of the wall. If I didn’t know where is my boyfriend’s unit, I will assume that this place is his.

I faced him, his face was gloomy and pale, his eyes were swollen. I haven’t muttered any single word. I was staring at him while he was staring back at me expressionless. It was just an accident, never I planned either and I gave him a slap on his pale cheek. He didn’t move but then he knelt in front of me. I clenched my fist and gritted my teeth.

“do you know that he’s marrying me soon? He’s mine but you are stealing him from me!!..I cried with gritted teeth..

“I’m sorry..I don’t have any intention to stop the wedding. I don’t..but please, let him stay to me just until before the wedding..he begged, I didn‘t expect him to beg to me like that which I showed a strong personality to him..

“why? Do you think, crying in front of me and begging to me will work to me? No..I won’t, so stop seeing him from now on. Break him up if he can’t break you up… I said in strong tone..

“I can’t..he replied..

The door swung open and my future husband came. 

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HUSBAND

I got home at 6 am to have changed in clothes and wet back to him after an hour, but I had to go again to meet ritchelle, I didn’t had enough sleep thinking of her and the case of saeng.

I was driving but I can’t concentrate, I felt something wrong. I stopped the car and put my phone on call but there’s no answer. I dropped the call and started to drive again, I took the u-turn and drive in race. I reach the building in just 15 minutes and hopped in the elevator.

As soon as I entered from the door, I saw saeng kneeling down on the cold floor with ritchelle standing in front of him with fierce look. I took my girl’s wrist and tried to take him away but she refused and struggled from my grip.

“I won’t tell you to choose because I don’t want to hear your choice. End your relationship now with him. You don’t deserve a ty man like him… I will forgive both of you if you tell me now that  you’re done to each other…she said with anger written all over her eyes.

“ritch, come on, let’s go ome,, you don’t know what are you doing….I said calmly..

“I know what I’m doing!!!! I know!!! Just do what I told you!! She yelled..

“don’t make any noise in here,,let’s talk at home..just leave him alone..let’s go..I tried to please her but she’s hard already..

Saeng stood up, he tried to stand straight and pretend that he can. He took few steps but he couldn’t able to make it until the room, fist are clenched. I walk to him and sited him on the sofa.

“I’ll get it.I said and run to the room.

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THE LOVER

Saeng was kneeling down, begging to her. Hyun joong came and he was surprised with his sudden appearance again. They were arguing, the girl told him to end his relationship to the boy, but saeng din’t interrupted and remained on his position, just until when he felt a little pain in his head, he didn’t mind it since he can still hold it in but as seconds passed, it gets worst.

He tried to stand up and leave them but he just can’t, struggling alone with this pain because he doesn’t want this man knows that he’s feeling sick, that he’s ill. He made few steps but he can’t continue as the pain really striking his head and his eyes are being blurry. He felt a hand pulling him down to the sofa slowly.

“I’ll get it…hyun said..

Saeng was shocked and speechless, how he’d know that he wants to get something. He started to worry, he looked up with his not clear vision and the girl is still standing on her same spot. He knows she’s mad already and what she want right now is to kill him.

“here…he spoke again and put some pills on the boy’s hand. he look up at him, trying to figure out what’s his reaction but he swallowed the pills immediately when the pain strikes again.

“are you alright? He asked..

“how’d you know? saeng asked back..

The girl just walked out. Being shove aside, all she did is leave. Saeng knows himself that he’s being greedy this days and he want this man to stay beside him almost everyday, he knows, he‘s not in the right position but this what makes him happy. Saeng stopped the man when he was about to run after her. He’s looking up at him until his sight came back and see the man’s face.

Hyun joong went back to him, kneeling down in front of him. I’ll be back, let’s talk then, let’s talk about your surgery, okay?  he uttered in assurance.

“how’d you know I’m sick? Seng asked.

“I’ll be back. I need to go to her…hyun said and pat the boy’s head. He tried to kiss him after but saeng just avoid it.

“I’ll be here before it gets dark. I promise.,,hyun joong assured again..

Even though saeng doesn’t like him leaving, he let go of the hand and went to his room. Hyun  joong left rushing. He pressed his temple again and massage his head. The pain didn’t subside, the pain is still there. His medicines are not that helpful lately, even he was taking the medicine regularly, everything just gets worst. The pain reliever are not helping him to kill the pain anymore.

He bury his head on his bed and curling his body on bed while holding his head, tears flowing because of this pain and he has no one beside him. He wanted his man to stay but he fully understand that he is not suppose to be with him now, his man supposedly with the girl and not to him. And he just can’t tell him directly why he needs him that moment. He’s just the second and  he can’t demand what the firs had to have.

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WIFE

I was being ignored, I don’t know whether to yell at my future husband for making me invisible or just slap to that guy that I am still there and he is not supposedly acting pitiful to get the attention of my man. Hyun joong acting like a concerned husband to him but I didn’t able to speak when I saw this bottle holding by hyun joong and lowly feed them to the pale guy. I was thinking if he’s sick or they were just acting so that I can just let this issue slide nd let them both be together.

I walked out of the door but I stopped when I heard my man, I’ll be back, he muttered, I heard the guy replied, how’d you know. By that question, I know there is something that my boyfriend’s lover is keeping something to him, worst or not, I don’t really care, all I want is my man, and I want him that eagerly.

I run to the elevator when I heard hyun joong coming out. I quickly race my car as soon as I reach the basement. I didn’t shed any single tear but my breath is taking all of the air out of my lungs. I went straight to his condo unit and waited for him. I’m not sure if I can talk to him nor if I can listen to him. What if he beg to me to stop the wedding, what if he insisted to stay with that guy, what if he will tell me that he don’t love me? All the possible assumptions are battling in my mind which makes me nervous and worried.

He came, and the first thing he did as soon as he entered from the door is hug me tight. I was speechless. Does this hug means the end of all? Does this mean that I need to accept them? I cant stop thinking and assuming the worst for me.

“I’m sorry..he uttered…I promise to comeback before the wedding, but please..I need your help..

My heart is like a bomb that explodes as soon as I heard his words. My tears ran down my cheeks that was stained with tears too a while ago. I felt myself sinking. Will those assumptions that I had in mind were being true?

“Wae??? Wae??? Wae??? I cried while hitting him harshly. Out of my control and out of my numb body. Even if he’s stronger  than me, I managed to pushed him until he reach the wall.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I didn‘t expected it too…he apologize and knelt down..

“you know that I love you, that I trust you,,,you know how much I love you, hyun joong~~~ why are you doing this to me???? I cried even more, I cried loudly filling the whole room, and I almost faint but I had to be strong physically while I‘m mentally cracking down.

I fell on the floor, in front of him, he was trying to calm me but I can’t. he was trying to hug me again but I refused. He can’t do anything with his strength and he just cried while saying sorry to me. I can’t stop my tears too, everything is right, hearing words are much painful and hurtful than assuming things to what you have seen. The thing you see could be some lies and act but hearing words to the one you love are not meant to be lies. That’s why it is being painful. I better not confronted that day, I better just kept it myself. I better be mute and blind but it’s not.

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...I'M SORRY....HAHA lol..update up... well yeah the next chapter will be on this weekend, i still hve an arrangement since i made some changes again,well you know your authornim always have changes and i had some twist prior to the original idea i had. hope you cried, i mean hope you enjoyed this chapter...ahm well im telling you earlier or i told you earlier, this is an angst as you can see on my tag, i now you love happy ending so i made a change. owh and yeh one more thing, you know our authornim is  lazy in rereading and editing right,,please do accept my typos..because i had one reader in my other fic and she noticed my typos..i admit that,,,,new subscribers thankyu and thankyu for all the comments...