It didn't feel like a birthday party at all, more like a gathering for ex-high school classmates. Baekhyun's friends were all jokers, which was surprising, considering how much of a threat they could pose to law and order here in Seoul. Some part of her had stereotyped the people he got into contact with; all of them cold, short-tempered and merciless. But it didn't seem the case here, they looked and talked like normal men their age. 

For the sake of Yixing, she tried to control her expression and the amount of displeasure she was emitting, that and because she needed to give Baekhyun some face in front of his friends. At the end of the small party, she thought she had done quite well; joking when she needed to, pretending to love him when Baekhyun gave signs. But she wondered how long more she could keep up with this pretense, how long more she could hold in before she said enough is enough and walk out the door, divorce or no divorce. 

A part of her, a really small part, knew that she wouldn't leave the house so easily. The biggest reason was her grandmother. The elder woman was so happy that she found someone reliable to settle down with. Obviously she had no clue about what Baekhyun did for a living. And she wanted to keep things that way. She didn't want her grandmother to know too much, the woman was old, her health was already big enough of a problem. When her grandmother passes away, Baekhyun would finally have no reign over her, he would have nothing to threaten her with. 

But did she really want to leave even then?

She knew that somewhere in the back of her head, the answer was still no, she just didn't want to admit it to herself, much less to Baekhyun. 

"The queen looks rather sleepy, shall we call it a night?" Yixing says.

"No, no I'm fine. Just had a little too much to drink."

"Did you eat? It's not good to drink on an empty stomach."

"I ate," she replied, glancing at Baekhyun who looked borderline jealous, "Baekhyun wouldn't allow me to go anywhere if I didn't."

The guys laughed, and Baekhyun was somewhat calmer now. "That's true. He can be such a mother sometimes."

"Yes. I wonder how I've tolerated him the past few years." 

Everyone laughed, and so did Baekhyun, but his heart was struck with guilt. He understood her dig; it took all his willpower to keep from walking out in shame. 

The conversation went on regardless of how he was feeling. When he looked at her, however, she seemed pleased with herself, like she finally got something off her chest. The men suggested playing games, so they did. Baekhyun couldn't play because the punishment was drinking and he had to drive, so she played for them both. She seemed pretty good, only ever needing to drink three shots. But those three shots were the ones that tipped her over the edge, because she drank a lot even before the game. 

So when she began slurring, Yixing called it a night. She managed to stand up and greet him a happy birthday, and to Baekhyun's displeasure, she gave him a hug, one that seemed far too cosy considering their relationship. Yixing knew his boss wouldn't be happy, so he quickly but gently held her at arms' length, and Baekhyun took her without hesitation. The others weren't any more sober either, but they were in a much better condition than she was. 

Yixing sent them to the car and helped wherever he could. 

"Happy birthday, Xing," Baekhyun said as soon as she was safely in the car. 

"Thank you. I don't know how you managed to convince her to come, though."

"She wanted to. She sounded reluctant at first, but I know she wanted to come."

"Whatever it is, thank you. Drive safe."

"You too." With that, Baekhyun climbed into the car and drove off. She was very different from him when drunk. Baekhyun was the sleepy but clingy kind, whereas she was talkative. Sometimes, Baekhyun liked her better this way. 

"What are you looking at?" He asked casually, only half-expecting a response. 

"The stars."

"Are there even any?"

"Yes, one. It's not very bright but I can still see it."

"You like stars?"

"I like stars. I want to be one. Wanted to."

Baekhyun gripped the steering wheel hard. 

"Why do you want to be a star?"

"I think we're similar. The star and me."

"How so?"

"We're both not very bright. And, we're both surrounded by darkness."

-

"Hey, Baek."

"Hm?"

"Say you do become my boyfriend one day. Don't ever compare us to stars." 

"Why not? Stars are pretty."

"Yes. They're pretty from afar. But up close, they're surrounded by darkness. Down here they look so close together, don't they? As if they could touch the other if they had hands to stretch, right?"

"Yeah."

"But up there, who knows how many miles of blackness they're separated by. If you think about it, they're actually lonely. So don't compare us to stars, or any of your girlfriends for that matter."

"Okay."

-

"I'm sorry, Nara."

"What for?" 

The car came to a stop, and Baekhyun could look at her. Her eyes sparkled with the orange glow of street lamps. He could almost see silvery white speckles around her irises. She looked so free. So free from hatred, so free from him.

"For everything."

"You look sad."

"I'm not."

"Why are you sad?"

Because the only time you'll ever show concern for me is when your mind is when you're not you. 

"Don't be silly. I'm not sad."

She didn't probe anymore. For the rest of the journey, she'd make side comments and giggle airily at the slightest things. Baekhyun would respond to every single one of them, regardless of how silly they sounded. When they got home, sweeping her into his arms was easy. She made noises of protest, but didn't do anything to push him away. He laid her on the bed, gently, as if she could break should he be too careless with her. Slipping his hands out from underneath her, she immediately curled into a ball and d around the sheets. 

He knew what she was looking for, and immediately went to their closet to retrieve a pair of socks. He went back to the bed and sat at the edge of it where her feet were and slipped on the socks. She seemed more comfortable now, and the slight frown on her face now dissolved into a contented look. It was a weird habit, he felt, but unique at the same time. He didn't understand where that habit came from, but he let her be. 

Baekhyun drew the duvets over the dozing woman and brushed the hair away from her face. He considered changing her clothes, but he didn't want to scare her when she woke up the next morning. 

After making sure she was safely tucked in dreamland, Baekhyun went to wash up and prepare for bed. It was funny how just two nights ago, he was the one who needed to be taken care of. But he liked this change. He never had the chance to have such a lengthy conversation with her, much less hold her in his arms. The contact made him tingly all over, as if he was a youthful, hot-blooded teen again. His arm found its way around her waist. She didn't move nor did she protest. It was only at night he dared reach out to her, to be affectionate. How he wished that night would last longer, so that he'd be able to love her better. But he couldn't stop night from becoming day. Once night's candles were burnt out, severing orange streaks would compel him to withdraw his hands. 

Soon things would return to the way they were meant to be: the utter lack of words between them and the hostility towards him on her part. And Baekhyun hated how that was their reality. 

~*~

When she arrived in the office with an unrelenting headache the next morning, she knew she shouldn't have drunk so much yesterday. Her colleagues greeted her as usual, but this time there's one extra voice, Minseok's. Trying her best to maintain his positive impression of her, she forced out a small smile in response to the greetings despite herself. 

Minseok launched off into his ideas about the wedding, catching her way off guard. She blinked rapidly, trying to get her mind back on track, which she does, but only after she missed half of his plans. 

"Wait, can you repeat yourself."

Minseok halted abruptly, then visibly tried to steady himself and began from the top. With the amount of details he had, she wondered exactly how late he stayed just to come up with all this. 

When Eunhye came for the appointment later in the morning at ten, she was immensely pleased with how efficient they worked. Of course, she told her it was all Minseok. The young man was praised, and he resembled a puppy previously trapped in a storm now allowed to come inside. She made a mental note to ask for his age later. During the meeting, more details were finalized, like the venue, theme and wedding and bridesmaids gown. Eunhye would be having it tailor made, and when asked, she admitted to scoring a man a little on the wealthier side. It figures, Eunhye was smart in high school, and obviously she managed to get into one of the SKY Universities, which rocketed her chances of meeting a wealthy man. 

Although that wasn't a life she had foreseen for herself, it was the most normal, or even desired, path a South Korean can take: get good grades, enter a top university, have a high-paying job and marry a rich spouse, who very likely also followed the same path as you did. The only similarity in her and Eunhye's life, is that they both married into riches, but for different reasons. Eunhye's husband was a business man, who had a decent-sized company operating in Gangnam, while her husband dealt in illegal rings that could give him a lifetime jail term. And what would happen to her when that day came? Would she be arrested too, for being an accomplice after hearing all his plans but failing to do anything about it? Or would she be unharmed, and live a solitary life because even in jail, Baekhyun would never allow a divorce?

It wasn't that she was unpredictable, it was the circumstances she was in. Living a life like this; never knowing when the man she had spent four years sleeping next to will one day disappear, or when his enemies track down their home and set their house on fire, along with them both in it. And she had refused to admit it until now. But she had been living in constant fear since day one, and Baekhyun was too caught up in his guilt-laden fantasies to notice that.

"Nara, aren't you coming for lunch?" asked one of her colleagues. She involuntarily flinched and stared at the woman. Nodding, she closed the file and set it on the table. 

"Come on, Minseok. You're not a machine, you need to eat too." Another one said. He looked up from his work, slightly startled that anyone bothered to ask him along, and then smiled before standing up. Together, the office went for lunch at a nearby diner. It was at times like those that she felt even remotely normal. Being out like this, surrounded by colleagues she's spent almost two years with felt great. Her job served as her anchor to reality, and the nature of her work as a reminder of what she could have for herself if she made better decisions back then. 

He had asked her to quit her job once, saying there was no need for her to go out and tire herself. The money he was bringing back was a lot more than sufficient for them both. But who knows what happened before he could get that money? How many people died? How many laws have been broken? At what moral cost did that money come from?

She didn't want to think. She couldn't get a definite answer anyway. If he had a normal job, like working in an office or something of those sorts, perhaps... she could despise him a little less. He would seem more normal like that, more realistic. 

-

"Why do you do that?" 

"Do what?" 

She reached up and wiped her thumb across the skin under his eyes. A hint of blue and black peeked out, and her thumb was of a lighter colour. 

"Cover up your dark circles."

"Why- Why would I want to show it?" He asked. 

"Why wouldn't you want to? Why do you have to cover it up? It's not because you didn't sleep well. You were simply born with it. What's wrong with that?"

"It's just weird."

"What's wrong with being weird?" She asked again. 

He rolled his eyes. "Is this one of your questioning life moments?" 

"Maybe. But really. What's wrong with that?"

"Why do you want to be weird then?"

"It's not so much of wanting to be weird. It's more like why do you want to be normal when you can be special?"

"Huh. Deep stuff," he murmured. 

"Why does everyone try to fit in and be normal? What's so good about being normal?"

"Maybe because people will like us better if we're more like them. But we can't really copy another person, so we set a common standard that nobody questions, and just follow it. It's human nature to be guarded against anyone who is different, against anyone we can't understand. Why do you think crazy people are isolated from everyone else? Because they're unpredictable, we can't understand them, and therefore we deem them as a threat. Either to themselves, or to us.

-

It was funny how she was the one wishing to be normal now, while Baekhyun was the "special" one. And she realised one thing. 

Baekhyun was different from the others, every part of him was so different. And she deemed him a threat and isolated herself from him, just because she couldn't understand him. 

Until today he still hid his dark circles with make-up. Even at home. That was Baekhyun, insecure. She didn't want to change him. She couldn't even if she tried. Insecurities weren't there to be abolished by words. It wasn't as easy as that. Baekhyun wasn't that easy to figure out. 

She surveyed the people around her. The colleagues she has spent years with, but could never really breach the barrier between acquaintances and friends. She was surrounded by so many people, yet she felt so lonely. 

"Is something bothering you?" 

She lifted her gaze and directed to her right, where Minseok sat, staring back at her with eyes of mild concern. 

"No, I just spaced out."

"Nara does that often. Her brain is too tiny and light to be anchored on Earth," her colleague teased. 

"You shut up, you're equally as bird-brained," she retorted, laughing slightly. Minseok leaned back, although not quite reassured. This particular senior of his seemed different from the others. As if there was something wrong with her, something wrong with the way her smile shone too brightly, and the way her laughter was too hearty. But he couldn't pinpoint what. And Minseok, he loved solving puzzles.

~*~

Baekhyun arrived home earlier than she did today. The silence of the house was familiar, yet oddly strange. Though it was quiet even when she was home, there was always this soft noise that comforted him. Noise because Baekhyun can't put a finger to it; noise because it's there, but not quite tangible. 

There was nothing left to do for the rest of the day, so he busied himself with chores. But it was more of keeping his mind from wandering away to bad thoughts. He still ended up vacuuming the floor with hopes of her coming back soon. But even when he came out of his shower two hours later, the house remained filled with the kind of silence he detested.

A dizzy spell struck him suddenly, and he stumbled over his feet, groping desperately for something to hold on to. He gripped the edge of his bookshelf as his vision flickered and colours were blurred. It felt like something was repeatedly pounding against his head at a greater force than when he was hungover. Then the room began spinning, and he felt a strong urge to retch. He sank down onto the floor, almost vocally begging the pain to go away. After some time, it subsided, and Baekhyun could stand again. 

He did have such dizzy spells from time to time, but none had been this extreme.

It was getting late. She should have been off work an hour ago, and though they lived far from the city, she didn't usually take that long to come home. Maybe there was simply an office function. Like one of those company dinners that happened from time to time. But he could never be sure. With the kind of life he was leading, and the kind of life he dragged her into, all sorts of things could happen when he least expected it. So to be safe, he left her a message, and part of him knew there would be no reply. 

Still, he continued to hope. Like he'd been doing so for the past four years. It was both frustrating and amazing that no matter how many times he was let down, he continued to hope that one day things might change. There might be a twist in their lives, and somehow, she could fall in love with him. 

Eventually he made dinner for them, there was a chance she already ate outside, but he made her share regardless. Sitting at such a large table like that by himself only highlighted his loneliness. And Baekhyun wondered which was worse: being alone and feeling lonely, or being in a room full of people and still feel lonely?