Baekhyun was left alone in the room afterwards. It was still early, which meant he could get back before midnight. What Yixing said didn’t surprise him, it didn’t make him come to a realization. Obviously he knew that she wouldn’t do the same for him. But that didn’t matter to him. They only needed one person to die, and that would be him. That was love, wasn’t it? Sacrificing without expecting anything in return. She didn’t have to do anything.

Yixing's words made sense. Whatever he said always did. But when it came to love, sense was as relevant as a calculator when studying English. Love was not sensible, love was blind passion. And Baekhyun loved so fiercely he would defy his own logic.

He grabbed his things and left the room, Yixing followed as soon as he sensed that Baekhyun wanted to leave. Baekhyun pulled out his phone, intending to drop her a message that he would be coming back tonight after all when he found an unread one from her, received an hour ago. He quickly opened it, and he found out she was at her grandmother’s.

Starting up the car, Baekhyun rang her up to ask if she needed him to pick her up in roughly an hour’s time. She said no, and that she was already on her way home. Putting his phone away, Baekhyun drove out of the garage. Yixing was silent beside him, looking out of the window while drumming his fingers softly on the armrest.

"Do you think I am foolish?" Baekhyun asked, startling the other.

"You are love’s fool."

"Do you think I will regret all this when I grow old?"

"Aren’t you tired? You’re always one step behind her no matter how hard you run. And the funny thing is she’s walking, yet you can never catch up to her."

"Maybe one day I will."

"All races come to an end, Baekhyun. Aren't you afraid it might end before you can catch up?"

"It will only end when I catch up."

Yixing couldn’t find words to reply him with, so the car had been filled with silence all the way until they reached the capital city. It was ritual that whoever owned the car would drive and drop the other off at their own home first before going back. Since Baekhyun was driving that night, he had to send the other home.

He knew the way. He should know it, because just that afternoon he had drove by himself to Yixing’s apartment. But as he turned corner after corner, making U-turns that Yixing began to question, Baekhyun grew more alarmed. He couldn’t forget. Not now, not with an outsider with him. Baekhyun couldn’t show weakness; he had to remember, he had to.

"Baekhyun are you okay? You’re perspiring a lot and it’s not even that hot."

"I’m fine," he replied tersely. Baekhyun pictured the tiny workers in his head scurrying about and opening cabinets and drawers to find that one file containing directions to Yixing’s apartment. But no matter how hard he tried to recall, he just couldn’t. It was blank.

Yixing was growing curious as to why they had seemingly passed by the same mall for the second time. Just before he could offer to take over, Baekhyun began breathing hard and trembling.

"Baekhyun, you’re starting to worry me. Are you okay?"

He didn’t answer; his knuckles became white with the grip he had on the wheel. Yixing opened his mouth to say something, but the car came to an abrupt halt and both of them were jerked forward. The cars behind honked loudly above the screeching of tyres. Baekhyun didn’t seem to hear all that commotion. His chest heaved, and he felt like he had just run a marathon of some sort.

Then the pain came and he let out a whimper as he shriveled into the car seat. It seemed to have doubled in magnitude, and Baekhyun felt the strong urge to hurl. But above all that, he could feel Yixing’s grip on his elbow, and he could hear the panicked words of the latter. The pain faded after some time, as usual, and Baekhyun was slumped against the car door, back facing the other.

"Are you alright?"

"Can you drive? I might kill us both if I continue."

Yixing quickly unbuckled and got out, helping Baekhyun out of the driver’s and to the seats behind, where he could lay down. As soon as he was settled in, Baekhyun reached into his pocket a pulled out a palm-sized ziplock bag containing his medicine.

"What’s that?" Yixing asked from the front.

"Pills. To delay the attacks."

"Are you really okay, Baekhyun? Does it happen often? Have you seen a doctor?"

"I did. That time, when you followed me."

"It wasn’t just something as simple as migraines, was it?"

"No, it’s not. Yixing, I-" Baekhyun paused. "I have dementia. It’s hereditary, and I got it from my father."

"Is that why you’ve been forgetting things?"

"Yes. But it’s not as simple as forgetting, Yixing, the memory is just not there. Normally when I forget something and you remind me, I have recollections of it. It’s there, just buried under other things. But with this illness, that memory never existed. It’s just this blank slate, a gap in my timeline."

"You were fine before, why did it start now?"

"I ask myself that every night. This wasn’t supposed to set in when I’m in my twenties. It was supposed to come when I’m in my thirties, forties, or fifties if I’m lucky."

"Is there no cure?"

"No. I’m going to wither away slowly, quietly, nobody will notice it," Baekhyun mumbled, voice turning into a whisper. "And you know what else, Yixing?"

"What?"

"I have to kill you now that I’ve told you everything." Baekhyun could sense the said male tensing up from the front, and he smiled to himself. "I made up my mind from the start, that whoever knew of this wouldn’t live to spread the word. But this is the part where I am a fool comes in. I just can’t kill you. And I have a feeling I’m going to regret chickening out of my own plans."

"You think I’ll betray you?"

Baekhyun let out a short airy chuckle.

~*~

Baekhyun almost sprinted his way to the front door after telling Yixing to just take the car home. Reaching into his pants pocket, Baekhyun pulled out a crumpled slip of paper with the front door pass code scribbled on it. After a glance, he keyed in the numbers and there was a chime, door successfully unlocked. He scrambled to remove his shoes before running up the spiral stairs.

Baekhyun only breathed a sigh of relief when he saw her at the desk with her laptop open. Her back was against him, so either she couldn’t hear the sound of the door opening, or she just chose to ignore him. Baekhyun shut the door as quietly as possible before approaching her. He placed a hand on her shoulder carefully, but she still flinched in surprise.

"Sorry," he said quickly. She gave him an acknowledging look before turning back to the screen. "Did you eat?"

"Yes."

You’re supposed to say, ‘what about you?’

Baekhyun removed his hand, sensing she was growing uncomfortable, and nodded his head gently. He took a shower and laid on the bed using his phone. She had turned off the lights while he was in the bathroom, the only glow was from the desk lamp and her laptop screen. Feeling his eyelids get heavier, Baekhyun put his phone on the nightstand and left it to charge. He rested on his side, facing the table where she worked with her turned against him.

"You never work at home. Is it that urgent?" He asked, only half-expecting a reply.

"Yes. The wedding is in two days."

Baekhyun blinked hard. Did she respond? And with more than just one word? A fleeting sense of warm bloomed in him; they sounded like a normal couple having a normal conversation.

"Don’t sleep too late," he said, a small smile on his lips as he buried himself under the covers.

"Mm."

His smile grew and Baekhyun forced his eyes shut. It was nice; the feeling, the atmosphere. If only he could have more days like this. Maybe he was being pitied? Because he was going to forget everything eventually, God finally decided to let things go his way for once?

Baekhyun frowned. Was he being mocked? Everything was going to be nothing but a blank piece of paper. What did it matter if things went his way for once? What did it matter if she was being nice to him? It was all going to mean absolutely nothing.

The linens grew cold against his skin, and the duvet suddenly felt heavier, seemingly crushing him under the weight. His head felt as if it was resting on a brick. But when glanced down, all he could see was the soft white pillow case. Falling asleep suddenly scared him. What if he woke up the next morning with no recollection of anything? What if when he opened his eyes, he could no longer remember the face of the woman he had spent seven years loving?

It was terrifying. All his life Baekhyun had never felt anything remotely to fear, until he met her. Since then, he constantly feared losing her, he feared for her safety, he feared forgetting. Being in love, Baekhyun initially thought, was supposed to be magical. But in his case, being in love was allowing himself to be subjected to weakness, to blind folly, to desperation.

Not remembering something had never quite made an impact on him until now. The ability to store and preserve memories was something he took for granted. He couldn’t live like this—constantly afraid of waking up with a blank paper for a mind.

Baekhyun was merely existing, now, teetering on the fringes of insanity.

~*~

"Is the bride here yet?"

"Yes," she replied over the phone, "the two main characters have both arrived. They’re getting touched up in the back room. Is everything outside going well?"

"Yeah. The decorations are as we planned, the food as well. Nothing seems off," Minseok reported. "Are you sure you want to stay back there the whole time? Aren’t you going to come out and watch your friend get married?"

"No. My ex-classmates are out there. It’s too risky. Lying makes me sick. And watching her say her vows… makes a mockery out of me," she said quietly. "I have to go. Call me if anything crops up."

"Okay."

She slipped the phone back into her purse and re-entered the back room where the bride was having her gown fixed. The sight was like a slap to her face, because when she married Baekhyun four years ago, there was no ceremony, no beautiful wedding gown, no flowers. It was just signing papers in a cold office.

Their only audience was a single official whom they only met on the day itself.

She plastered on a small smile as she approached the bride. Hearing that all their plans have been going well, the bride thanked her with a hug. After Minseok called half an hour later, saying the guests have settled down and the groom was waiting by the altar, she led the bride to the entrance of the church hall, where the latter’s father was waiting.

Nara fixed the train of the bride’s gown and handed her the bouquet of flowers that matched with the theme of the wedding. She stepped back just seconds before the doors to the hall opened, and the Wedding March began playing. She retreated to the back room where the bride was previously in and stayed there. The only company she had were the hair and make-up stylists, who didn’t try to start a conversation with her.

She busied herself with checking up on the flow of events. So far, everything was going as planned. Once the church wedding was over, the respective vendors would come to clear up whatever was necessary. After she and Minseok oversaw that process, they would have to pick up extra masks for the masquerade-themed wedding for the guests who weren’t wearing one.

With the bag of masks sitting in the backseat, Minseok drove them both to the hotel to begin setting up for the wedding banquet. Over the next few hours, the both of them made touch-ups for whatever needed attention, be it too many stalks of white roses in one vase, or the stage decorations being out of place. When everything was perfect down to the nitty-gritty details, they allowed themselves a break in one of the hotel suites two floors above the banquet hall.

"Are you really not going to come out?"

"Yeah."

"It’s a masquerade. Everyone would be wearing masks. Nobody can see your face, much less recognize you. Besides, there’s going to be a dance, and I’m sure Ms. Jung would love to have you there, as a friend."

"I don’t have a dress prepared. Or a mask."

"There are little boutiques in the hotel lobby. We can look around there."

"Why are you so bent on having me go?"

"It’s fun. I’m supposed to show you how to have fun and be free," Minseok reasoned. "Come on, we have at least another hour until the event officially starts. We can find you a dress in that time."

Minseok began dragging her out of the room before she could say no. The plan was for Minseok to stay at the banquet hall to ensure everything was running smoothly, just like at the church, so he already had a suit and mask prepared to match the occasion. She, however, planned to stay inside throughout, so she didn’t prepare anything.

Not following the plan scared her a little, but she guessed this was what she needed to learn. She had to be more spontaneous, not sticking to a plan, to a set of rules—that was the freedom Minseok was talking about.

Using the bathroom in the suite, she showered and reapplied her make-up with the small emergency make-up kit she carried around in her purse. There wasn’t a need to be fancy, because the mask Minseok borrowed for her from the stack of guests’ masks would cover half her face anyway.

He soon had to leave for the banquet hall for duty, and he promised he would call her when the dance was coming up. As she sat in the suite donning her new purple dress, she began to think this was a bad idea. What was she? Some naïve teenager? The whole idea of dancing and a masquerade party seemed so immature to her, and she almost wanted to tell Minseok she was backing out when he called her, telling her to come down.

Hearing his voice suddenly gave her courage, though, she didn't know why she needed courage at all. Grabbing her mask, she hesitantly began her way down to the banquet hall. Minseok was waiting for her by the door, in the suit and mask he brought with him. She couldn’t exactly say he looked good, because his face wasn’t visible to her, but she could feel his bright energy when he took her hand and led her inside.

"As you can see, everything’s going well. This was the wedding you planned. You should feel proud of yourself," Minseok said as he engaged her in a dance.

"You played a huge part in this too. So what are your feelings? This is your first project."

"I guess I’m satisfied, as well as grateful for a patient and pretty senior like you."

"Nicely wrapped words you have there."

"This was why you became a wedding planner, didn’t you? So you could pretend you were the princess in one evening’s fairytale."

"That’s right."

"Don’t you ever wish for that fairytale to come true?"

"How? I’m already married. The chance is over."

"Marry again," Minseok replied, as if it was the most simplest thing to do.

"I can’t."

"So it’s not because you don’t want to," Minseok pointed out, and she nearly bit her tongue. "If you don’t love him then divorce him. He hit you before, don’t forget that."

"I know. I tried filing for one, but… he said no. And I don’t want to try again. There are reasons. Reasons which… I cannot tell you just yet."

"You’ve told me almost everything, what’s holding you back now?"

"I can’t tell you because it isn’t regarding me. It’s not my problem, it has something to do with him. And if I tell you, things could get chaotic. He’ll get hurt."

"But he hurt you first."

"Doesn’t mean I have to be like him. I hate him, and that is enough torture for him already. In this marriage there is no he hurt you first, or I hurt him first, we’re both suffering. And putting an end to that suffering isn’t as easy as you think, Minseok. There are things you don’t know about."

"Will I ever come to know?"

"I wouldn’t have high hopes."

"When you first smiled at me in Lisa’s office, it looked so broken. And the first time we had lunch as an office was the first time I heard you laugh like you meant it. But I could hear the crimson edges in your voice. I wondered if I was the only one who could see the blacks in your whites. I wondered if there was going to be a day when I could find out why your smile shone too brightly to be genuine. And I did, because you told me. One day, you’re going to trust me enough to tell me everything. Because friends don’t hide things from each other, do they?"

"This is different."

Silence settled over them for a moment. She couldn’t meet his eyes, and Minseok had a bad feeling about it.

"Do you desire anything?"

"Like what?"

"I don’t know, a car, a dog, beautiful friendship, love?"

"Sure I did. There was a time when I wanted to have many things, but I never got them. And I realised one summer that the things I want and the things I am allowed to have never coincide. Since then, I never really wanted anything, because I knew I would never possess them. It stopped me from feeling disappointed."

"That’s sad."

"But I can’t stop hoping. I don’t ever learn my lesson, you know? Back in middle school, there was this boy. I barely knew him, we were on the surface kind of friends. I lent him jacket so often it got to the point whereby he didn’t even bother returning it, and I didn’t bother asking for it.

"We’ve never really talked before, in person or on the phone. But towards the end of our last year in middle school, he started talking to me. He asked me questions, and one thing he loved was giving me random personality tests in the middle of the night. I answered them regardless of how late it was, because I felt wanted. I felt… Important, in a sense. That he thought of me at two in the morning and wanted to learn about me. Why I acted the way I did, why I said the things I said, how my heart beat the way it did.

"All his deductions were spot on. I jokingly asked him if I was his test subject, and when he said yes, I was surprisingly hurt. But it didn’t bother me so much until it would affect my day to day life. He told me I was like an open book to him. And I agreed, though not one of my friends at that time remotely knew the kind of person I was. It went on for quite some time, and I got used to him being there every day at two in the morning. Asking me the silliest questions. Then suddenly he stopped talking to me. I don’t know why. And on the bus home from school one day, I realised I simply mistook his curiosity for concern.

"I couldn’t blame him. He said it from the start, I was a mere test subject. And to be honest, I didn’t mind. I just wanted to feel desired. To have someone talking to me because that way it meant that I was at least on one person’s mind at that point in time. I just… Wanted to feel like I was someone to somebody. He was the only person who bothered trying to figure me out."

"Did you like him?" Minseok asked quietly.

"I was just used to him being there. And when he disappeared it sort of threw me off balance."

"What was his name?"

She cracked a smile, albeit one so faint and so quick Minseok could’ve easily mistaken it for a slight twitch of her lips. “Huang Zitao.”