It had been three weeks since he was discharged from the hospital. Having learnt his lesson that taking more pills wouldn't slow down the process of losing his memories, Baekhyun stuck to the prescription. Things were normal during the three weeks, and he was extremely thankful for the chance to catch his breath. He'd been sprinting the past two months, her near-kidnapping incident had drained him mentally. 

During these three weeks, Baekhyun finally made up his mind to have a consultation with Dr. Kim, the one he was recommended to during his one night stay at the hospital. He had purposefully scheduled an appointment when she was out at work, so he could leave and return as if nothing happened. 

The office was cold, he had noticed as soon as he stepped in. But it was along the lines of his expectations, after all, these walls have heard the woes of many. After confirming his appointment with the receptionist, Baekhyun stepped into the room. 

She looked up from her papers and flashed him a perfected professional smile. Baekhyun nodded his head and pulled up a seat. 

"Mr. Byun Baekhyun, correct?" 

"Yes."

"From what I heard from your doctor, you are suffering from a type of hereditary dementia, yes?"

"Yes."

"I can't prevent your memory loss, but I can prevent your memories from being lost completely. It's easy, really, common sense even. Would you like to know?"

"That's why I came."

Baekhyun spent slightly over an hour in the office. Sharing the methods of preserving memories only took half an hour. The other half was spent digging into his heart. Every time she asked a question, Baekhyun had to be very careful with his answers. The root of all his unhappiness would be what he did for a living, and that wasn't something he could casually share, even with patient confidentiality protecting him. Baekhyun couldn't say much, which meant there was hardly a way she could help him ease the emotional burden. Baekhyun wasn't interested in that, anyway, it wasn't why he scheduled for an appointment. 

He was eager to get out of the room once Dr. Kim had wrapped up. But before he could leave, she posed him a question that almost instantly sat him back down in the black leather seat. 

"So why do you think you're sad?"

Baekhyun didn't need to answer that. He didn't want to, but he still found himself searching his mind for an answer to her question. "I'm not sad."

Dr. Kim folded her arms. "Are you happy then?"

Baekhyun's gaze lowered, but he kept silent. 

"What's stopping you from being happy? You're a very reserved person, Mr. Byun, I don't think it's in your personality. But if you don't want to open up I'm not going to pry. I'll just tell you this, if you stopped and asked yourself what was preventing you from attaining happiness, maybe you could find a way to overcome it."

"Why do people strive for happiness?"

The psychiatrist furrowed her brows. "I'm sorry?"

"We always end up hurting ourselves in the pursuit of happiness. Why do we continue? What's the point in all that?

Baekhyun stared at the woman, waiting for a reply, but she seemed to be unable to offer any. 

"Thank you for your time, Doctor, I'll take my leave." His fingers wrapped around the cool brass doorknob and he twisted it. With one foot out of the office, Dr. Kim finally answered. 

"Because hope is the only thing more powerful than fear. And you, Baekhyun, you're full of hope."

Baekhyun shut the door behind him and swiftly stalked out of the centre. For some reason he felt like he was coming apart at the seams; the haphazard patchwork were finally giving out. He wasn't sad, no, not quite. But he wasn't exactly leaning towards happiness either. 

Baekhyun was just, empty. 

And that was the scary part. The only thing worse than hatred was indifference. 

Just like the only thing worse than sadness was emptiness. Being sad—at least he knew he felt something. But being empty was different. Baekhyun would rather be sad than feel nothing at all. Because then Baekhyun was uncertain of himself, the people around him, the world, everything. Everything felt out of his reach, even finding the right words to describe how he felt. 

On his way home, he dropped by a bookstore and purchased a diary, particularly one with a lock. When he got home he began writing whatever he could remember of his past. Once he was done, he had easily filled in ten pages, almost all of which were memories of her. The doctor said he would feel relieved when he wrote it out, as it was a form of organizing his thoughts and the emotions that came along with it. But Baekhyun felt nothing close to relief. He was frustrated; he would only remember all this because he was reading from a book. Even if he had at one point, wrote it himself, it wasn't the same reading it again when the illness had fully set in. 

The feeling he would get when he read it the next time, would be what one would feel when reading a story book. Distant, yet hauntingly surreal. 

He locked and kept the diary in a locked drawer some time in the evening, hanging the key on the silver chain around his neck so he wouldn't lose it, or forget where he kept it. 

Baekhyun passed the remaining time until she got back preparing dinner. Everything was about done, the rice cooker just needed to beep and dinner could be served when the front door opened. She looked blank as usual, heading upstairs quietly after giving him a subtle acknowledging look. Baekhyun had finished setting the table when the rice was finally done. She came down on her own shortly after, changed into comfortable home clothes with her make-up yet to be removed. 

The two ate in silence until she spoke up. "Are we still visiting my grandmother on the weekend?"

Baekhyun blinked twice, startled. "Of course. Whenever you're ready."

"What's that key?" She asked, not looking at him. 

"Nothing much."

"If you say so."

When they finished their meal, she automatically took the empty dishes to the sink and wrapped up the leftovers. Baekhyun stood by the table, not wanting to leave so quickly yet having nothing to say to her. He watched her busy about in the kitchen, wrapping up leftovers and returning the utensils to their original place. She opened the fridge and pulled out a can of beer. 

"You want one?" 

"It's been a while since I've seen you drink."

She smiled. 

Baekhyun held out his hand. "I want one." Together, they sat atop the island counter in the kitchen with almost all the lights off. It was only eight in the evening, a tad bit too early to be drinking, but it wasn't often they did anything together. Baekhyun couldn't even remember the last time they sat side by side and not fight over something. It was silent for quite a while, but the silence didn't feel awkward. Rather, it felt nice, comforting, even. Slowly but surely, the empty beer cans were starting to increase in numbers around them. 

"How's dad?" She asked softly. Baekhyun tossed the empty can into the bin nearby and grunted when he missed. 

"Haven't went to visit him in a while. But he's doing fine, I guess. The home hasn't called. No news is good news."

"You still should go see him."

"Why? He doesn't even remember me."

"But you do."

Baekhyun stayed silent, heart trembling at her words. 

"You remember him. That's all that should matter. You can do the remembering."

"Will you remember me, then?" He murmured. 

"What?" She asked, getting off the counter top and reaching into the refrigerator for more beer. "Hey, we're out."

"There's wine."

"Why do we buy so much alcohol? We rarely ever drink at home," she commented and opened the bottle. 

Baekhyun accepted the glass. "Thanks."

"So how are things? Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo's back, isn't he? Where's he been?"

"Just here and there."

"Is he back for good?"

"No, you know Kyungsoo, he never stays at one place for long."

"That's true."

The conversation went dead for a while until Baekhyun finally plucked up enough courage to ask, "can we talk about us?"

"We are."

"No, not things like how are you or how's my dad. I want to talk about you and me."

"Okay, then talk."

If she were any more sober there was no way she would tolerate this. She would either make up an excuse to leave or flat out reject him. 

"After all that's happened... Has anything changed in the way you see me?" 

She took some time to think it over. "Rather than change, I think things just are just starting to go back to the way it was before."

"What do you mean?"

"The last time I saw Minseok, he said this to me. 'Tao wanted you to be happy with a man you chose for yourself. If you look at things that way, I didn't fail my mission at all.' And I guess he said it because all this time I've just been forcing myself to hate you. The feeling stopped coming from my heart a long time ago, it's been coming from my head. Every time I wake up to see your face beside me in the morning, my head reminds me of all the things you've done to me, and I channel all my anger towards you.

"And you'd think I wouldn't flinch even if you died. But it's not like that. I don't want you to die, I don't want you to get hurt. It's scary. Because you're supposed to be there all the time. You're supposed to be there for me to hate, you're supposed to be there behind me when I walk away from you and you're supposed to stop me. I can't imagine a day where you're not beside me but-"

She was getting more agitated with each word. 

Baekhyun placed his hand over her knee and she stopped. "It's alright, I get you."

"I'm selfish aren't I?"

"Why would you say that?"

"Because I can't see myself loving you yet I'm keeping you here beside me. Like you're some sort of prisoner."

"But I love you. That's all that should matter. I can do the loving." Baekhyun chuckled and turned to look at her. "At least we're even now."

"Even?"

"Yeah. I'm keeping you here as much as you're keeping me. Okay, maybe not as much, but you get what I mean. So we're even."

"I'm still not making your job any easier."

"Hey, loving you isn't a job."

"Then what is it?"

Baekhyun stared at her; at her desperate eyes and her slightly pink cheeks. "Loving you is... Loving you... is habit."

She half scoffed, and Baekhyun hurried to defend himself. "It sounds cheesy but if you think about it that's all I've ever done in the past eight years. I can't remember doing anything else anymore. It's like you always needing to wear socks before you sleep, and if you don't wear them you can't sleep."

"Why do you love me? What's so lovable about me?"

"Why do you wear socks to bed?"

"Because it's comforting..."

"Exactly. Because you're you and you comfort me in weird ways."

"But I yell at you all the time."

"You still let me hold you to sleep every night."

"That's because I've already fallen asleep."

"But you still know I do it. And you don't stop me. Why? Is it because you feel sorry for me? Is it because you think you should accord me at least that?"

"No... It's just habit, like you say. Feeling the weight on my waist. If it's not there I feel weird."

"You're being very honest."

"Alcohol does that to you."

"So I want you to be honest with me now," he said, and she nodded. "Will we get better?"

"The good thing about hitting rock bottom is that we can go nowhere but up from here."

Baekhyun smiled. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For still being here despite everything I've put you through. But technically you didn't have a choice. I threatened you... like a scumbag."

"You're right. Like a real scumbag. There's no 'but' in this, no excuses."

Baekhyun hung his head. "But have you ever wondered how different things would be if our son made it to the end?"

She visibly stiffened at his question, and he knew it was sensitive, but if he didn't ask it now when else would he have the chance?

"Of course. We talked so much about life as three, didn't we?"

"Yeah. If a boy, Jinhyun, if a girl, Nahyun. But it turned out to be a Byun Jinhyun and we had to put away all the baby girl clothes that father sent us."

"You said you would teach him how to fight and protect me."

"I did." The physical ache came to his chest like it always did whenever he thought about the family he could have had. "I would take him to kindergarten in the morning and you'll be there to pick him up at one o' clock. While waiting you'll chat with the other moms and I'll end up surprising you there."

"And all the other moms would be so jealous of me, right?"

Baekhyun smiled. "Right. Then we would go have ice cream together. When we come home you'd sit him down and go through the alphabets with him. But knowing how impatient you are, you'll probably get mad at him after twenty minutes for not knowing his alphabets and he'd come running to me while I'm making dinner."

"And he'll hug your leg while you're frying his favourite beef steak that he keeps begging you to make. He'll be whining for you to scold mommy and you'll just absent-mindedly reply him because you're so focused." Her voice was hoarse and he knew she was on the verge of tears. 

"When I keep ignoring him he'll burst out in tears and I'll finally pick him up in my arms and look for you. You'll be laying on the floor in his playroom with your arm over your eyes like you always do when you're frustrated, and I'll gently kick your leg to let you know we're here."

She chuckled softly despite it all. "You scold me for being so impatient and tell me he's just a kid. I retort and say all the other moms are boasting about their kids counting up to thirty when our baby can't even memorize the alphabet. You tease me and say our baby has my brains and I get mad at you."

"You chase me down the stairs and I run with our baby in my arms. He's squealing and taunting you for being so slow and you only catch up to us because I slowed down for you. At this point you're angry for real and sit us both down on the stupid thinking chair and scold us. We're quiet because you're scary when you're angry for real."

"Then I realise there's something burning and you yell about the forgotten beef steak left on the pan. It's completely charred so in the end we order pizza because you've lost the morale to cook and our baby tells you that you should never cook again."

"In the middle of the night our baby crawls between us and joins us in bed. He says that he's sorry for not being able to memorize the alphabet, and that he was just kidding about my cooking."

At this point her mental dam had crumbled and she was already sniffing through a blocked nose. Her knees were drawn to her chest as she rested her forehead on her arms. Seeing her cry always threw Baekhyun off guard. And the only thing he knew about comforting anyone was to hold them. So he slid himself off the counter and stood in front of her. She paused and looked up at him through her slightly red eyes and strands of stray hair that escaped from the holds of her elastic. Baekhyun was going to wrap his arms around her, but he found himself frozen stiff when she leaned into him first and held his waist. 

The good thing about hitting rock bottom is that we can go nowhere but up from here. 

That sentence alone was more than enough to give him hope. Given time, everything they imagined their future to be would come true. There would be no need to sit in a dark kitchen surrounded by traces of alcohol and dream about it. 

She could do the remembering, and he would do the loving. When Baekhyun thought of it that way, things didn't seem too bad. 

~*~

She never knew why but Baekhyun always offered her a type of comfort nobody else could ever replicate. It was funny because he was also the one who would hurt her in ways nobody else could. But even then, no matter what happened, she would always fall back on him, whether it was intentionally or not. Baekhyun was her safety net, and she'd always been relying on him to catch her when she fell. 

She just never knew why it took her so long to realise and admit the fact that Baekhyun was a habit that she, too, couldn't kick. 

Hearing the engine of his car being cut and the beeps of the lock on the front door, the sound of his yawns when he approached the bedroom, that slightly awkward yet familiar 'you're still up' when he entered the room and even the feeling of the bed dipping beside her whenever he came out from his shower. Every trace of Baekhyun had become a habit that she never realised she had until now. 

Burying her face in his chest now felt exactly the same when she did it five years back in her high school years. Perhaps the reason why she always ended going back to him was because she had no one else to go to. Baekhyun was the only constant in her life apart from family. 

"You alright?" He asked softly. She wasn't sure if it was his voice itself that was muffled or her ear was just pressed against his shirt. Maybe it was the crying, maybe it was the alcohol, but she was starting to get sleepy, and she was sure Baekhyun was too. So she pulled away from him and nodded, wiping away whatever remnants of weakness that was left on her cheeks. "Let's go to bed, okay?"

She took a breath. "No, I'll stay and clean up. You go."

"We can clean tomorrow."

"It'll be fine, I'll join you in a bit. You must be tired, you always get sleepy when you drink."

"Okay. But don't take too long."

Smiling, she nodded and sent him on his way. Once she was alone, she took out a black garbage bag from the usual compartment and dumped all the empty and dented beer cans into it. Majority of those were on the floor near the bin as evidence of Baekhyun's poor aim. Gathering the remainder of the trash, she tied the bag and left it outside. 

The bedroom was dark save for the moonlight streaming in from the floor-to-ceiling windows. Baekhyun normally would have drawn the curtains, but left them open so she could find her way around in the dark. She could see him buried under the covers, and could even hear soft snores. He must've really been tired for him to fall asleep that quickly. 

After washing up, she drew the curtains and crawled into bed, careful with her movements so she wouldn't wake him up. But Baekhyun was usually more of a heavy sleeper, and he probably wouldn't even flinch if it wasn't noise that that woke him up. It was dark but she could still make out the features of his face. And he was sleeping rather adorably at that time, with his cheek resting on the covers and lips naturally pouting. His black mop of a hair had fallen naturally to the side, showing a part of his forehead. She found herself staring longer than she expected to, and her heart was responding to him. 

Without thinking, she lifted her hand and smoothened out his bangs. Baekhyun sniffled and scrunched his nose, but otherwise remained practically unconscious. She rested her palm lightly on his cold cheek; at some point in time, she did love this man. But that feeling was so far and distant she couldn't even remember what it felt like to be in love—to be in love with him, specifically. She didn't think what she felt now was love, it was more of familarity, from being with one person for so long you just get comfortable around him. Love was comfort, but comfort was not love. 

Leaning forward, she daringly placed a soft kiss upon his slightly pouted lips. She had lingered for a while, but eventually pulled away. What she didn't expect was for Baekhyun to wake up and stare at her with heavy-lidded eyes. 

"Y- You were awake?"

He shut his eyes again, but the small smile on his face couldn't be hidden. "Not anymore."

She was slightly flustered but more amused. "Are you teasing me right now?"

"You were the one that kissed me first, so who's teasing who?" He replied in a quiet, sleep-laden croak. 

"So you were awake."

"Not the whole time. But I'll go back to sleep if you kiss me again."

"Just sleep."

Baekhyun smiled and reached for her hand. He laid quietly for a while until he said, "you're being really confusing now, you know?"

"I'm sorry." 

He said nothing, but just gave her hand a light squeeze to show that he heard her. She realised now that she was always sorry towards Baekhyun. And she was sorry for always putting them in a situation whereby she had to be sorry, because then she would have hurt him. All she knew was how to be sorry, and she wondered if she had pushed Baekhyun to a point whereby apologies no longer stood for anything. 

A lot of things had happened, and it was through those events that her view of him was slowly changing, or rather, the anger that clouded her eyes just finally dissipated. She stopped looking at herself for once, and could put herself in his shoes. Ever since then she had been nothing but sorry. True, to a certain extent she had suffered because of him, and they both knew the pain she had to went through wasn't something that could be easily gotten over. But she never did stop to think about how he would feel about causing such pain to someone he loved. 

Baekhyun, in all honesty, was having it worse than her. And all this time she was only pitying herself. Baekhyun was just as much of a victim as she was, if not more. 

His hand in hers suddenly felt heavier. Baekhyun's breathing was paced and stable, meaning he was sound asleep. She carefully removed her hand from his and watched for any reaction, but he remained unaware. Looking at him now, she was suddenly overwhelmed with guilt, guilt that she had spent years unknowingly ignoring. She scooted closer to him and placed her hand on his shoulder. It felt weary and worn, of course it would be, how great of an emotional weight had he been shouldering on his own until now? 

Baekhyun grunted and shifted slightly, his arm now resting over her waist, instinctively tugging her closer. Like all other nights, she felt the security and comfort that came from him. She knew he wasn't awake because she could recognize the grunting noises that he always made when asleep. That was what Baekhyun meant by habit.

She suddenly felt afraid; afraid that one day Baekhyun might realise that he deserved better, that he was tired of always chasing after her. The thought of being abandoned by him kept her up the entire night. 

And she was only experiencing day one of Baekhyun's four year long nightmare.