She didn’t know where she was heading, all she knew was that she wanted to be away from that house. Surprisingly, she didn’t cry, maybe because a part of her knew she had gone too far. What was Baekhyun doing now? Was he upset with himself? He better be. The best way of revenge would be to make him hate himself, torture himself with guilt. But that wouldn’t even make up for half the things he had put her through.

All four years he had not hit her at all, so that slap just now was a shock, as well as a rude awakening that Baekhyun was capable of things like that. Things like hitting the woman he loved more than himself, as he had claimed. She would never forgive him, even if he did not hit her she still wouldn’t be able to forgive him. But what pleased her most was the fact he would never forgive himself. He would punish himself in ways she thought weren’t possible. She wanted him to live in twice as much pain as she was.

Her feet brought her to an unexplored part of the neighborhood. The place was quiet, as usual, because despite the number of terrace houses built in this area, most were unoccupied. There was a playground in the distance, she never knew about it despite living here for four years, and she went over to sit at the base of the slide. She didn’t want to go back to that house, but she had nowhere else to sleep. Going to her grandmother’s was out of the question, the old woman would surely question her about the bruise, and she couldn’t bring herself to lie again. Right now the entire life her grandmother thought she was living was an entire lie, the guilt of deceiving her closest kin was already too much for her.

And she sure as hell couldn’t go over to any friends’ place, she had no friends. Minseok was the closest thing she had to one, but even then they weren’t at that level of closeness. She surveyed the playground, everything was new-looking, so it was either the playground was just built or children never came here. Either way, it was quiet, and she was thankful.

-

"Why can’t I bring my friends home? It wasn’t like we were just playing around, she was helping me study!"

"Does it look like you need straight As to be a ing mafia leader, Baekhyun?"

"Fine, I don’t need straight As. But what’s wrong with bringing a friend home?"

"Has it ever occurred to you in that tiny brain of yours that she might leak out our address? Do you want to ing wake up and find your house on fire? Because I sure as hell don’t, Baekhyun."

"She isn’t like that! Nara isn’t like that. I trust her!"

"Just because you trust her doesn’t mean she’s worth trusting, stupid boy."

"Don’t talk about her as if you know her!"

"I talk about whoever the I want! Get out! If anything happens to us because of that girl, I won’t hesitate to get rid of both of you. Understood?"

The door clicked open, and she jumped away from it before the person coming out could see her. Baekhyun met eyes with her and quickly turned away, shutting the door as he did so.

"I’m sorry, Baekhyun," she whispered, trying to get him to face her. "You okay?"

"I’m fine, don’t worry, it’s not your fault. Let’s go, I’ll send you home."

She quickly ran in front of him, and Baekhyun looked the other way. She grabbed his jaw and turned his face, gasping at the red mark on his left cheek.

"He did this to you?"

"This is how things work here, Nara. This is who we are."

"No, you’re not like him. You’re different, you’re better than him."

-

Baekhyun hadn’t moved an inch away from the door ever since she left. All he could think of was bad things. In the cabinet across him, Baekhyun saw his reflection, and somehow, he reminded himself of his father. They were the same type of person. No matter how many times she told him he was better, things wouldn’t change. He was just as horrible as his father, just as ruthless. She would end up like his mother too, sooner or later, both dead under the same type of circumstances, and he wouldn’t be able to change a thing.

He still couldn’t believe he had hit her, or maybe he didn’t want to. He had done a lot of bad things to her, be it directly or not, those things were still forgivable. But hitting her, personally causing physical harm to her, that was unforgivable, especially since she was someone whom he loved more than himself. He was the one who wanted no harm to befall on her, for her to be safe and happy, but he was the cause of everything he didn’t want to happen to her.

Baekhyun knew if he was making her unhappy, he should leave her. But he couldn’t bring himself to. He loved her too much, he was too selfish to let her go. Once she left him she was never going to come back, and Baekhyun couldn’t live with the thought of not being able to see her for the rest of his life. He was the selfish one. Everything was his own fault, and he couldn’t do anything to solve this problem because he simply didn’t want to let her go.

"For people like us, love is nothing but a weakness."

When his father first told him that when he was sixteen, Baekhyun was obstinate about it. How could love be a weakness? If anything, it was strength. Strength to overcome obstacles, strength to move forward and face the world. But Baekhyun was missing one important keyword in that belief, and it was ‘together’. It should be strength to overcome obstacles together, strength to move forward and face the world together.

He was alone. Baekhyun was fighting alone. The person he should be fighting with was fighting him, that’s why love is a weakness, that’s why his mother died. But what could he do? She hated him with passion and that was enough to deduce that togetherness was impossible.

Night fell, and she still hadn’t come home. It was expected, but he was starting to worry. He got up and left the house. She couldn’t have gone far with that mark on her face, so she was probably still in the quiet and almost dead neighborhood they lived in.

He walked everywhere, and eventually came to a playground. He knew she was there, there was nowhere else she could take refuge in other than here. Baekhyun peered under the structure, where he found her sitting with her knees drawn to her chest, asleep. He didn’t want to wake her up and drive her even further, but neither could he just leave her like this, especially not under the circumstances she was in. So Baekhyun perched himself on the slide beside her, where he would remain unseen should she wake up.

The hours passed by in a blur, Baekhyun had fallen asleep too, until he was awakened by a sharp pain in his head. He recognised the feeling, the feeling of being strangled, being drowned inside out. Even then, he was careful not to make a sound. The pain faded away eventually, but he knew this couldn’t keep going on. There was something wrong with him, but he was afraid to find out what.

The sudden dizzy spell kept him awake for the rest of the night. His phone told him it was 3AM, and she was still asleep. Baekhyun sat, staring up at the empty night sky. There weren’t any stars today, and it seemed to him that heaven deemed him unworthy of gazing upon the faultless stars after what he’d done. Baekhyun didn’t have excuses for that. No matter how angry and hurt he’d been, hitting her was unforgivable. But what was done, was done, there’s no going back. All he could do was wait, wait until these raw emotions cooled down.

When morning came, he heard her stir. Baekhyun remained still, hoping she would just leave without noticing him. After some time the footsteps got further, and then the kind of silence he hated consumed him. He continued sitting there as the sun rose higher and higher. It wouldn’t be a good idea to go home now, since she was there and probably didn’t appreciate his presence, but he wanted badly to see whether the mark on her cheek had faded or gotten worse.

Today was Sunday, she had a whole day for the bruise to fade before deciding whether she would need to conceal it for work. Baekhyun hoped there wouldn’t be a need for that. If she had to apply extra make up to hide it, then it showed how violent he was on her, how he had hit her without thinking about the consequences, about the pain they both would feel afterwards. He felt so sorry, so guilty, and he wished shouting out loud could rid him of the weight in his chest.

But above all he felt afraid. What if she chose to leave him? And that her leaving the playground was her decision to pack up and go? What if she decided to tell her grandmother the truth, that her husband wasn’t loving and attentive, and instead a monster who had slapped her across the face because he couldn’t control his emotions? The prospect of her leaving scared him to the extent of tears. He couldn’t—wouldn’t—live without her.

Baekhyun knew he shouldn’t crave someone so badly like this, knowing full well she didn’t return the feelings. But he couldn’t do anything about it. Baekhyun was drowning, while others stood three feet away yelling “learn to swim! Learn to swim!” The only thing that kept him going was the possibility that one day things might change for the better, that she could stop hating him. But if she left just like that, Baekhyun had nothing to look forward to, he didn’t want to wake up every morning to cold and empty sheets. Just the thought of it terrified him.

So he ran. As if if he were a second late, she would disappear from his world forever. And she might. He didn’t stop running until he pushed through the iron gates and halted by the front door. His fingers hovered over the keypad, and he should type the password in, but he can’t. He can’t remember, his mind was blank.

Baekhyun went into frenzy mode, digging deep within himself for that four numbers he should remember like his own name. One minute passed, then two, then three, but the blue numbers on the electronic lock still waited patiently for his fingers. His breathing quickened and became shallow, chest rising and falling as frantically as his fingers moved. As a last resort he began pressing a series of random numbers, only to earn himself unforgiving, short beeps.

He sank to his knees, tugging at the handle wildly and banging on the door.

"Help- help me. Open the door! I can’t- I can’t..."

He kept trying random combinations, but the result was the same. The door swung open suddenly, and Baekhyun fell forward with the force. He looked up and saw her face, a mix of annoyance and mild concern. But he couldn’t care less; he threw his arms around her legs, panting hard and fighting for oxygen to keep his head from spinning too wildly. She remained still while he questioned himself. Why couldn’t he remember? It was just four numbers. He knew this, he should know it, the password hasn’t changed at all since they moved in. He’s been keying it in every single day.

His arms were flung away, palms taking most of the impact. As Baekhyun struggled to stablise his breathing, his eyes could only focus on her socked feet going up the stairs. The house suddenly felt so unfamiliar to him. Did he live here? Did he get the wrong house? Maybe it wasn’t that he couldn’t remember the password, but that it was just the wrong house. He scrambled to his feet and went to the front gate where he was greeted by the numbers 13-21. It was his unit, he didn’t get the wrong house.

Baekhyun looked up at the trees that surrounded their house, suddenly feeling small and vulnerable compared to their height. The imbricated red tiles of his roof seemed darker, almost looking blood-stained. He felt like he was standing at the gate of a haunted house, and the hairs on his arm stood. The street was suddenly too quiet, he couldn’t hear the faint rumble of a passing car, or the barks of a nearby dog.

He heard a rustle behind him, and he quickly spun around to catch the intruder. Baekhyun saw nothing but the brick walls forming the perimeter of the opposite house. He crossed his yard and went back in, thankfully the door was left open. As he climbed up the marbled staircase, Baekhyun couldn’t shake one thought out of his head.

Am I going crazy?

~*~

Coming to work had never felt so nerve-wrecking. She couldn’t stop worrying whether she had on enough coverage, whether the bruise could be seen even the slightest bit, or if Minseok had leaked her secret. Anyone who so much so as looked at her for more than three seconds had her panicking. But when she saw Minseok calmly thumbing through a magazine in his seat, the storm within her was soothed a little bit.

She didn’t know why but Minseok just had that effect on her. No, she wasn’t falling for him, he just gave off an aura that made her feel at ease, almost as if she were in the embrace of a mother that she never got to experience. And for some crazy reason, she felt the urge to tell him everything. Perhaps she was addicted to the feeling of something being lifted off her shoulders when she had told him her story the other day. The feeling of trusting someone, having that trust protected, and not taken advantage of.

But she couldn’t blurt it out so carelessly here, not with all her colleagues separated by nothing but a thin divider that was barely as tall as she was. So she waited, busying herself with work to pass the time. Eventually everyone began packing up and leaving the office. Minseok started heading out too, but she stood up and grabbed his arm. He looked at her with curious eyes, and she knew she had on an expression that would warrant concern. But she just held on to him while the remaining of her colleagues streamed out.

When it was quiet, Minseok asked, “what’s wrong?”

"Look, I- I don’t know why I’m telling you this, may- maybe it’s because I already exposed a huge part of my life to you but- can you just hear me out? I feel so suffocated keeping this to myself, I have no one else to tell and I-"

"It’s okay, you can tell me anything. I’ll keep your secret safe."

"I…" She bit her lip to keep it from trembling too noticeably. "He hit me."

"He what?"

"He hit me, my husband hit me."

"Where?!"

"Here." She placed a careful palm over her left cheek. "Right across the face."

"Oh my God, Nara, why are you still with this man?" She felt herself being taken into his embrace.

"It was just… a one time thing. He never hit me before, he’s usually nice to me, I swear, Minseok, he loves me. But-"

"Why are you defending him?"

"I don’t know, I- I provoked him and he tried holding it in but I kept pushing-"

"Nothing is your fault here, he is the one who should be repenting, not you. Nara, seriously, you can’t be with this man. I don’t know that much about your lives but you can’t stay with a man who slapped you across the face."

"I’m just confused. He isn’t usually like that, no matter how angry I made him. It’s true most of this was my fault… He’s not like that… I swear."

"If you want to defend him like that then there’s nothing I can say. But if he ever does it again, please, for your own sake, leave him."

"Thank you… For hearing me out," she murmured, pulling away from him. Minseok smiled and squeezed her shoulder.

"Would you be comfortable with me sending you home?"

"Please?"

"Let’s go."

~*~

"So?" Yixing asked expectantly as Baekhyun stepped out of the office.

"I’m fine. Just small headaches. He gave me painkillers," he answered, tucking away the medical papers.

"That’s good. Now that you’re okay, there are important matters to talk about. Like you asked, I’ve gathered all our allegiances, tonight at seven, the villa in Bucheon. Okay?"

"Yeah." Baekhyun nodded, unable to lift his gaze. Yixing drove him back in his own car and left after making sure Baekhyun took his medicine. The house was empty, she had gone to work. He managed to catch a glimpse of her cheek after her shower last night, it was a light mix of blue and purple, and the sight made his heart constrict. She tried using her hair to cover it, but Baekhyun had seen it already. It was weird. She was hiding a bruise from the person who caused it. Why?

Although, this morning she left looking normal, probably the work of make-up. She had treated him like a ghost the whole weekend, never acknowledging his presence, doing things as if he weren’t there.

He sat himself down on the couch, feeling drained after the series of tests that lasted since late morning to mid-afternoon. The medical papers rested on the coffee table, slightly crumpled and folded into a small square.

"The results are out, Mr Byun, and we have diagnosed you with Hereditary Multi-Infarct Dementia, also known as CADASIL."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that the minimum previous two generations of your family have this form dementia, it’s applicable to both es, and you inherited this. Do any of your parents have dementia?"

"Yes, my father."

"Is he alive?"

"… Yes. Living in an old folk’s home."

"You probably inherited it from him, although it was triggered way too early. Usually, the symptoms only show up when you’re past thirty, forty if you’re lucky. My guess is that your emotional and psychological state is too unstable, which could lead to the dementia starting prematurely.

"What this dementia will cause you is frequent migraine-like headaches, which you have described to me, it may cause and cognitive impairment. Almost like Alzheimer’s, you will begin to be more disoriented, forgetting things easily, getting lost in an area you are usually familiar with."

"So you’re saying I’ll eventually forget the people I love dearly, along with all other aspects of my life."

"Over time, yes."

"Is there any cure?"

"As of now, there is no cure. All we can do is try to slow down the process, but eventually, that day will come."

hi guise haha sorry i haven't updated in like three weeks but who's countin eh? i've been away on a holiday the past eighteen days and i only back yesterday-ish? i would update through my phone but i was too busy eating kimchi (nyahah hint hint) and the add chapter on mobile BALLS. i may or may not write a blog post about my seoul + jeju + hong kong trip because my lazy meter has been going up up up. any of you been to seoul before? how was your trip and what'd you guys do? i'd love to know!