She wasn’t a fan of the cold, but when Minseok promised her he would take her to a skating rink on the day where it held its weekly firework display, it was hard not to be excited. She had never pictured herself going ice skating in her mid-twenties, in her mind, that activity was usually associated to teenagers. Then she realised that everything Minseok had done to let her feel what freedom was like, were things that youths did with their friends. Perhaps freedom was tied to youthfulness, and freedom was but a past years’ memory.

Before she could have second thoughts, it was time to get off work. She stared at the paper bag of casual clothes she prepared for the activity, wondering if it was better to back out. And she almost wanted to scoff at herself. The last time when Minseok encouraged her to attend the masquerade, she wanted to back out too, but didn’t in the end.

"Are you ready?" Minseok asked. She looked up, expecting the usual bright smile on his face. Minseok was smiling, but it looked stiff for some reason. Maybe because he was called into Lisa’s office earlier on, which he still hadn’t told her what for.

"Yeah." She packed up and followed him down to the car. When he started driving, Minseok became more lively, talking animatedly about his mother nagging at him settle down already. He was laughing while he told her the story, but she couldn’t feel the happiness that he usually radiated. It felt as if something was weighing him down, something he wanted to avoid but couldn’t run away from.

She didn’t question him, because it might just be her own natural negativity that was getting the better of her, or of them both. Because she was new to skating, Minseok had to help her with the skates. When asked, he said he came here often during his high school years. Obviously Minseok was a natural on the ice, while she struggled not to fall flat on her face. But she tried her best, not because she was embarrassed or anything like that, maybe just a little, but because she didn’t want to come across to others or to Minseok himself that she was faking it.

He stood in front of her and skated backwards, lightly holding onto her hands for support while she hesitantly glided forward.

"See? It’s not that hard," Minseok said after spending the last five minutes since they entered the rink poking fun at her. After some time, she was able to let go and move on her own, but Minseok stayed right beside her just in case.

"So that’s it? All we do now is skate around in circles with me trying not to fall and wait for the fireworks?"

Minseok shrugged. “Pretty much.”

"And so many people enjoy this?" She muttered, glancing around at the other patrons, who were mostly couples or a handful of young girls.

"That’s just because you at skating. I can’t believe you lived twenty four years without stepping onto an ice rink."

"Oh whatever." She waved him off. "I just want to see if the fireworks are really as beautiful as you describe it."

"Trust me, it is."

After Minseok checked his watch several times, she began noticing that the others were slowing down and finding a spot, which mean the fireworks were starting soon. He tugged her over to the side where she could grab on to the railings to support herself.

"Any time now." As soon as he said that, the lights in the rink were turned off, and the night sky was lit by various shades of pinks, greens and yellows. It wasn’t often she saw fireworks, and she couldn’t even remember the last time she did, which reminded her how dull her life had been the past few years. Only this time she knew it wasn’t Baekhyun’s fault.

She was lonely by choice.

And for some reason, she wished Baekhyun could see the fireworks too.

The display ended, and the lights came back on. Some couples left, but others continued skating. Honestly, she was getting bored, and Minseok could tell. So he led her out and removed the skates for her, saying they should take a walk. After putting on their shoes, they walked out of the enclosed space, where the full force of cold winter drafts hit them.

They walked some, then sat on a bench overlooking a playground where children were playing.

"Today isn’t really a special day, but I have something to give you."

"What is it?"

Minseok reached into the inner pocket of his leather jacket and pulled out a palm sized box, complete with a purple bow at the corner.

"But you can’t open it until you get home. Okay?"

"Okay, jeez, why so secretive?"

"Because it’s going to make me feel awkward. Anyway," he said, standing up, "since it’s so damn cold, I’m going to get us hot drinks. What do you want?"

"Hot chocolate."

"A baby’s preference." Minseok rolled his eyes. She clucked her tongue and kicked his calf. He laughed and took a few steps away from her, but then stopped and turned around. "Don’t open it while I’m gone."

"Geez then you should’ve given it to me after you come back."

"I trust you," he said, voice suddenly sounding more tense.

"Is something wrong?"

"Nah. I swear to God if you open it while I-"

"Oh goodness just go and come back! I won’t open it."

Minseok smiled and nodded. He turned to go off, but halted in his tracks. She was about to tell him to hurry up and go already when he turned around, closed the distance between them frighteningly quickly, and pressed his lips against hers.

The box nearly fell out from her grasps when Minseok cupped her cheeks to prevent her from pulling away. His grip on her was firm but didn’t hurt, and his lips were cold. Minseok pulled away slightly, enough to meet eyes with her. She knew he was sending her a mental message, but she couldn’t decipher it.

"I’m sorry," he whispered. With one last look, Minseok jogged away. And as she stared at his back view, one thought came to her mind.

He isn't coming back, is he?

"Nara!"

She felt someone crash into her before she could actually see his face. Baekhyun threw his arms around her and tightened them. From the sound of it, he was panting, and his voice was oddly panicky just now. His embrace was starting to hurt a bit so she put her arms between them to push him away.

"What’s wrong?"

"Are you okay? Hurt anywhere? Did you drink anything he gave?" Baekhyun asked rapidly, holding onto her shoulders.

She decided it was a better idea to slip the box into her coat pocket. “No, nothing. What are you doing here?”

"Let’s get into the car first, okay?"

"But-" she glanced in the direction Minseok went before she could help herself.

"This is important. Come on."

She followed Baekhyun into an unrecognized car, and behind it was a black van with three intimidating men standing around. When they saw her and Baekhyun, they lowered their heads.

"They’re with Yixing," Baekhyun said as he opened the door for her. The car was unfamiliar but at the driver’s seat was a man she recognized.

"Kyungsoo?"

He smiled at her through the rearview mirror.

"Baekhyun what is going on?" She demanded as the car began to move.

"Do you know a man named Huang Zitao."

"Yes he was my-" she stopped herself, but the look in Baekhyun’s eyes told her it wasn’t news to him. "Middle school friend."

"How much did you know about him?"

She furrowed her brows. “How do you even know him? Baekhyun, if this is one of your jealousy things again I-“

"Huang Zitao, same age as us. Went to JunYoo Middle School, classmates with you during the last year. A troublemaker in school. Is that what he is to you?"

"Yes but he wasn’t really a troublemaker, just… Just playful. He wasn’t a bad person. Now answer me, how do you know-"

"Huang Zitao, entered the Wu family when his mother married his step-father. Came to Korea for unknown reasons, went back to China after graduating middle school because he wanted to protect you."

"Protect me from what?"

"From himself."

"What are you even talking about?"

"He’s like me, Nara. We are the same type of people."

It took five good seconds for Baekhyun’s word to sink in before she could even gather enough senses to protest.

"N- No, he wasn’t… He wasn’t like that."

"He never really left you. He kept tabs on you, and he has been back in Seoul since five years ago."

"What has all that have to do with anything?"

"Tao came back because he wanted to protect you again, not from himself," Baekhyun paused. "From me."

"How does he even know you?"

"His brother is my equivalent in China, maybe even bigger. He came back with one goal, to take you away. And this is where Minseok comes in-"

"No! Minseok had nothing to do with this! He’s clean, he’s nice, he- he’s… He’s the best friend I never had. Don’t drag him into this."

"I’m not dragging anyone into this. Minseok works for Tao, Nara, it’s as simple as that. His job was to convince you to follow him back to China. But I guess he chickened out."

"And you’re only telling me all this now?!"

"I just found out about Kim Minseok too, Nara! Don’t even get me started on you going on a date with him!"

"This isn’t the time for jealousy! How long have you known about Tao?"

"Not long. He only appeared in my radar this year," Baekhyun said quietly. "Has he contacted you at all?"

"Nothing. You know more about him than I do."

She let out a world-weary sigh and sank back into her seat, allowing the facts to sink in. Was Minseok really as Baekhyun described? Was everything he’d done up until now a job to him? What was in it for him, then? Why did he agree to do it, on what condition? Maybe he wasn’t even offered a deal, maybe he was just commanded to do it. There were so many questions she had for him, so many things about him she had yet to learn. And today could very well be the last day she’d see him in her life.

But whether or not Minseok was sincere, he was precious to her. He opened doors she never knew existed, made her feel a kind of happiness she thought was impossible to feel. He was full of qualities she wished she had; the positivity, the youthfulness, the curiosity of a toddler towards the world.

Kim Minseok had made her feel alive in a world full of death. And he was gone.

"Don’t cry," Baekhyun said quietly. "You make it seem as if you’d go with him if he actually got a chance to ask you."

"So why didn’t you discover him sooner? Before I could get used to his presence?"

"I wanted to get people to tail you a long time ago, but I knew you wouldn’t like that idea and I didn’t want you to get mad at me if you found out. You’re not the only one shaken up here. I almost lost you, Nara, I almost lost you and just thinking about it drives me crazy. So please, I know you’re frightened and confused, and honestly, I’m no better."

The car ride back was in stiff silence, from the way Kyungsoo glanced back through the rearview mirror every now and then, she knew he was uncomfortable too. When she got out of the car, Baekhyun lingered inside, probably to give Kyungsoo instructions. She waited by the front door for him until he came out and brisk walked over. Baekhyun rarely ever lost his temper when it came to her, and the look on his face right now was a look she didn’t want to aggravate further.

She keyed in the password and barely held the door for him as she stepped in. She wanted to head straight up to the room; it’d been a long and mentally exhausting day, what with the news she’d just been given.

"We need to talk," Baekhyun said firmly, thwarting her plans and route to the bedroom. She sighed and went to sit on the couch, Baekhyun took a seat across her.

"I don’t see what else we have to talk about," she muttered tiredly.

"Did you love him?"

"No. No to both of them, because I don’t know who you’re talking about."

"Would you have left with him if he asked you?"

She remained silent. Not because she would indeed leave and she was embarrassed to say it out, but because part of her did want to leave, yet the other was strongly rejecting that idea.

"Say something," Baekhyun sounded like he was almost begging. "Silence scares me more than an outright yes."

"I’m tired," she said, starting towards the stairs. Baekhyun grabbed her wrist and fluidly stood up, crashing his lips onto hers. She fought back, but Baekhyun was unrelenting. The way he moved against her was needy, desperate, but most of she could taste the fear that bled out of him. He sank back onto the couch, dragging her down with him so she straddled him. Her palms were pressed against his chest, pushing him with only a small amount of effort.

Her cheeks felt wet, but she knew she wasn’t crying. She wondered just how frightened and worried Baekhyun must’ve been when he found out. And if she were in his shoes, she was sure she wouldn’t be able to even think straight, yet Baekhyun had come right to her side without moment’s hesitation.

When Baekhyun pulled away, he was panting, again he turned to side and used his hair to shield his face. Without thinking, she turned his face towards her, and the look on his face actually hurt her. Even if someone else had that look, she’d feel equally torn. It was so full of despair, as if he had given up trying to live each day through, stumbling over shattered pride because he just couldn’t even be bothered to pick himself up anymore.

She swiped her thumb across his faintly pink cheeks, deviating a teardrop from its planned route. His tears kept flowing, and she kept wiping them away. It was the best she could do for him, though she didn’t even know why she bothered. Then she realised that if you take away the resentment, the pride, the stubbornness, caring for Baekhyun was second instinct to her.

It was obvious he was trying to stop himself, biting his lips, shutting his eyes, even trying to turn away from her again. But she couldn’t leave him like that, because she knew he wouldn’t either. She felt as if his tears had washed away her prejudice against him, and she could finally look at him with renewed eyes.

She had never felt so apologetic in her life.

She did this to him. She destroyed him, crushing him bit by bit until he was finally left in dust. And she had taken this long to realise what she was doing. Was this Baekhyun’s breaking point? Was it too late to piece him back together?

"I’m sorry," she whispered, and Baekhyun seemed to hold his breath. "I am so sorry."

He stared at her with wide eyes, subtly shaking his head as if to say “it’s not your fault”. But that only made her feel guiltier. Even at this time, where the most natural and rightful thing to do was blame her, Baekhyun was finding excuses not to.

She could feel him tensing up in her arms when she brought his head to rest on her shoulder. It was like cradling an abandoned child, frightened, weary, but most of all desperate for a hand to hold on to, a shoulder to lean on. Baekhyun wasn’t crying because he was weak or felt defeated, he was crying because he had been forcing himself to stand up and keep going for too long. Four years too long.

"I’m not going anywhere," she said, his hair softly. "I’m not saying this to make you feel better. It’s just… The ceiling of this house is my sky. The walls are my shields. And you, you were both the dragon that kept me imprisoned, and the prisoner I wanted to help escape."

She could feel his arms wrapping around her waist, squeezing her gently. Like a child finding peace in his mother’s embrace.

"And I haven’t accomplished that. So even if I leave, I’d still end up trying to find my way back here. It’s habit."

Baekhyun never said a word as she climbed off him, simply watching carefully to make sure she didn’t run off or get taken away.

She smoothened his bangs and gently nudged his jaw. She wasn’t thinking anymore, there were no reasons behind her actions, it was all raw instinct. “Go to sleep.”

He must’ve been so surprised by her words, because Baekhyun remained still, doing nothing but staring into her eyes with slightly parted lips. Eventually she had to pull him up by his hand and subtly shove him in the direction of the stairs for him to comprehend her earlier message. After Baekhyun disappeared up the flight of stairs, she sank down onto the couch and took out the box Minseok gave, finally understanding why he was so bent on her opening it only when she got home.

She saw the necklace he always wore under his shirts. It was a fake shark tooth, he mentioned before it was bought off the street market at less than two dollars, but never told her why he wore it on him always.

Picking up the necklace, she could hear him begging her, “please don’t forget me.”

Underneath the necklace was a letter. When she unfolded the crumpled piece of paper, she was expecting a letter addressed to her of some sorts, but what she found was a diary entry, seemingly ripped from its binds due to its jagged left edge.

2nd December 2013 11:34PM Cold

It’s D-Day tomorrow, and I’m having more jitters than I hoped I would. Nara was unexpected. Then again, I didn’t know exactly what to expect, she was the first. I don’t even know why Tao picked me of all people. I was just a runner. I guess because he knew I could speak the language and he would have nothing to lose even if he killed me after I failed my task. I came with nothing but the goal in mind: make her trust you enough to follow you to China.

I suppose after all these months spent with me, planning a wedding together and going on Hongdae adventures, she did trust me. Seeing her smile, then frowning while telling me things I already knew about Byun Baekhyun, she must’ve really found me comforting. And that was what frightened me the most. After spending time with her, I realised I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want to make her think she was merely a job I had to get done.

She’s not. She’s so much more.

Two months before today, she told me how Byun Baekhyun had hit her. I was angry, I was more angry than I was allowed to be. She was already on the verge of tears, yet telling me firmly that he loved her, defending him, and indirectly saying no when I told her to leave that man. I realised immediately that the mission had failed since then.

That girl is so stubborn. She clearly doesn’t hate him as much as she thinks she does, or at least not as much as in the beginning. It’s tiring to hate someone, much less for four years. And her heart had already given up producing those emotions, but her pride had not. Seriously, she’s going to kill herself with her pride one day.

I don’t know what I should do tomorrow. Should I just follow the plan? Ask her if she wanted to come to China with me, then drugging her and taking her away if she had said no? But just imagining the look in her eyes while she breathes in the chloroform shatters me. I can’t do that to her. But if I don’t bring her back, I don’t know what Tao might do to me.

And if I do chicken out tomorrow, I would really like to tell her one thing.

Stop being so stubborn, you silly girl.