Episode 10.
You're Me
Life in jail transformed me from the dreaming, soft Changmin to a tougher, more reckless person.
The first few months were the most painful, I was in a solo cell still in the city and my family visited me once a month.
Every night, I go to sleep on the hard worn out stained bed (that's too small for my size) instead of the large clean one I had home.
Every night, I cover myself with a dusty thin rug instead of the freshly washed blankets I had home.
Every night, I close my eyes, I remince and I find myself crying in self pity...
I pull out the two pictures of my family, and start naming them.
"This is my father, this is my mother, this is my brother kris, this is my sister Neya and this..." I take a deep breathe.
This is my darling.
This is my everything.
This the sunshine in my dark life.
My jewel.
"This is Yoona," I say out loud with a smile.
I would close my eyes and imagine Yoona in the photo coming to life. I imagine her asking me to draw with her , I imagine myself ruffling her thin and soft hair...I really did love her hair.
I touch the side of my bed and find it rough and I remember the cruel reality that I had to accept...I open my eyes and glance at my hands that are dirty thanks to dust on the bed...
And I start crying again...
Every morning, I would wake up lazily and out of energy, I knew the routine very well.
I would have to stand in line with the other prisoners for twenty minutes before it's my turn to use the bathroom. Then I would leave, feeling that I was cleaner before I went in.
Then would be another disgusting experience, breakfast. I would be forced to drink some yelowish greenish liquid that's supposed to be tea and eat things that were tasteless.
And an empty day would begin and I would wait for time to pass...there's nothing to do...nobody to talk to...no Yoona to come to my room to ask me to draw with her...
Just time passing by.
I waited patiently for the gaurds to barge in and shout, "Shim Changmin!you have a visitor!" like the previous months but like always, what Changmin wants, Changmin doesn't get.
The few days when my parents visited me were the only times when I felt alive.
Since I was moved to the capital's prison, my parents visited me twice but that's about it.
They didn't show up the day I wrote a message for Yoona (hoping that they would give it to her)...
Or the day after....
Or the month after...
Or the next years...
After a few months in a solo cell in the capital, I was transported into a cell with two other criminals(cellmates). My two cellmates were:Leetuek and kangin. Leetuek was short and thin but he seemed the wiser of the two and older. Kangin, who was taller and bulkier cursed a lot and was grumpy most of the time. These two (I learned from their numerous conversation) were close friends before being thrown in jail.
They were in for "disturbing the Nation's peace"(I heard the guards saying)
Back then I assumed if they were placed with a murderer(that is me if you're still confused) then they probably committed a big crime...a crime possibly bigger than mine.
I stayed clear of my two cell mates and never had a conversation with either of them.
Two months later, Kangin and Leetuek were taken away by the gaurds. The older looked at me with a sad expression on his face.
"I hope your fate is not like ours," he said in a hoarse voice. Later that day, I asked one of the gaurds if they were coming back. And I was informed they were both excuted.
And because I lived a luxurious life all my life, never having to struggle for practically anything. I started to cry...I was still a softie back then.
The very next day, two new people were thrown in. Yoochun and Junsu.
Because I regretted not talking to Leetuek and Kangin, I decided to try and communicate with these two...
"What is a kid like you doing here?" Junsu had asked. I didn't feel like a seventeen years old at all so being called a kid startled me.
"I killed someone," I said earnestly.
"And you're saying it so proudly?" Junsu mused and turned to his friend, "Oh look, Yoochun, our friend here has killed someone."
"Badass!" Yoochun had said while clapping his hands sarcastically.
They annoyed me.
"What're you here for?" I shot back.
"I killed someone," Junsu said in the same serious tone I used then shook his head with a laugh, "just kidding, I'm here for-long pause- disturbing Nation's peace"
Yoochun broke down laughing, "that's the best thing the government came up with!"
"What do you mean?" I asked, not really understanding their sense of humor.
"I mean, we're one of the few people who spoke up against our government," Junsu said.
Yoochun snickered darkly.
"And because we dared protest for our rights, we're placed in a cell with a murderer," Junsu rolled his eyes.
"No offense," Yoochun added.
"None taken," I replied, wanting to know more about the outside world, "So how's the country outside?"
"It's chaos," Junsu said, pausing, I waited for him to continue and he did "the rebels are aided by the U.N and are using weapons to protect themselves and President Lee declared they're ready to use heavy weapons to implement his power."
"Why would the U.N betray our government?" the question escaped my lips before I could stop it.
Maybe I was a little biased towards the government...
(Stopped here)
"Kid, you don't understand, do you?" Junsu questioned, raising his voice an octave "we have to speak up for our rights! other countries, other countries they can say whatever they want to say. They call it "freedom of speech", in other countries, you don't get out into jail because you said you wanted gas prices to go down. That's what Yoochun and I got arrested for. We asked for government reform and that's the outcome, jail."
"what does a rich fella like him know?" Yoochun groaned and closed his eyes.
"You're right ," Junsu agreed.
"I'm sorry," I said, though I wasn't really, "it's just my family are outside and I'm worried about them."
"That's because visits are closed for the time being," Junsu said.
"The government stopped visits as a punishment for us, political criminals," Yoochun explained.
I went to bed and tried to sleep but couldn't.
Two days later , another prisoner joined us. One who's also in for "disturbing nation's peace". Heechul was extremely talkative and rude but we all liked him.
Junsu and Yoochun questioned Heechul on the country's condition the minute he stepped in.
We learned that the government started to deport any immigrant who joined the protests. Some of which lived in our nation all their lives but because it's against the law to give residency to anyone who's parents are not Aerokanese, no child born in Aerok will be given the residency. Other than that, anyone who went on pro-government protests were given 600,000 won as a gift for their loyalty.
"How disgusting," I said and Junsu and Yoochun looked at me with genuinely surprised expressions.
"What?" I shrugged, "I know you think I'm pro but I'm not. I usually never got involved in politics. I was neutral..."
"And now?" Yoochun raised his eye brows.
I blinked, "Now I'm with you."
The three prisoners smiled and Heechul kissed my cheeks, an action that frightened me.
"Don't worry, Heechul is always like this," Yoochun laughed.
"You knew each other?" I questioned.
"I saved Yoochun's once while he was running away from police officers," Heechul answered, " We were protesting for no war in Qari, remember?"
"Of course, and Heechul Hyung told me to get in his house and thankfully, the officers never found me, anyways. I opened the door to leave and I felt something really warm down there," Yoochun said while pointing his index to the bottom," it was Heechul hyung's hand on my !"
"Sorry I couldn't resist," Heechul grinned, his apology sounding as insincere as an apology can get.
"But Changmin-ah, don't think of him as anything strange. He actually has a girlfriend named Jessica," Yoochun said to me, "Who's worse than him!"
Heechul's smile disappeared, I looked around to see if any of my other cellmates noticed but they were both still smiling.
"Jessica, is she forigen?" Junsu asked. Apparently this was his first time meeting Heechul as well.
Heechul just nodded.
I was the only one who figured the reason for Heechul's sudden change of mood. Jessica was a forigner and Jessica is Heecul's girlfriend. And since she's his girlfriend, she must've gone to many protests with him. And if she's a foreigner and she went on a protest, she gets deported.
I felt humiliated that just some months ago, I was cursing those rebels because they caused a chaos in the country. When in reality, they wanted what's right for most of us.
I avoided Heechul's eyes and stayed quite as Yoochun and Junsu continued to ask about the rebel's plans.
One day, while we were chatting (What else could we do?) Yoochun suggested that I join them after we leave.
"No way, I can't wait till I get out of here, I ain't gonna let myself return to this ty place," I said, rolling my eyes.
"You're going to be a rebel too," Yoochun grinned, "you just don't know it yet."
"Whatever, man, whatever," I waved him away.
Yoochun made our days brighter. He was the most patient one and the one who's most hopeful that the rebels would win and get us out.
And Yoochun, was the first one to be taken.
The gaurds stormed into the cell in dawn and splashed his pale face with cold water.
"Ah!!" he yelled in shock, his scream waking us all up.
The two gaurds placed his shivering body between them and handcuffed his hands behind him.
A look of horror and understanding crossed his soft flowerboy features.
"Help me!"he yelled to us, his voice shaken and broken, he tried to struggle but his weak thin body was unable to free him, "let me go! Let me go! Please!"
Junsu covered his face with his hands and painful sobs escaped him.
Heechul Hyung on the other hand stood on his feet and dashed toward the two gaurds.
"Let him go you fugly kissers, he didn't do anything wrong! Let him go!" Heechul yelled and grabbed Yoochun's shoulders and tried to pull him away but his efforts were futile.
One of the gaurds simply took his electric gun and pushed it into Heechul's abdomen. Heechul tried to fight, he tried to get back up and help Yoochun but the guard kept his gun firm in his abdomen until he fell unconscious.
Meanwhile, Yoochun looked at me with pleading eyes. He wanted me to help him but I shook my head in shame, I knew there's nothing I can do other than stall them for a few good minutes. I knew that it would be my last time seeing Yoochun but I didn't know that his pleading face would haunt my dreams. For a very long time.
Junsu's cries filled the cell and I just sat on my bed, unable to react. Unable to cry...unable to feel the pain...I felt...nothing.
I stood up after a couple of minutes and dragged Heechul Hyung's body to his bed.
When he stirred awake, he sat up quickly.
"What do you think happened to him?" he asked.
Come on, Hyung. You know better than to question...
Since Junsu Hyung had fallen asleep (though his shoulders were shaking ) I was the one whom the question was directed to.
"I don't know," I lied and Heechul Hyung nodded.
***********
"My wife, Jessica, she is very beautiful," Heechul said, suddenly.
I listened to him.
"Did...she get deported?" I finally asked.
"I don't know," Heechul answered with a blink, "I told her to go to my step brother who might be able to help her. Then I was arrested and now that there are no visits, I guess I'll never know, till I get out."
"If you get out," came the voice of Junsu who hadn't uttered a single word since the day Yoochun was dragged outside.
"I still have hope," Heechul admitted.
Junsu laughed bitterly, "you're starting to sound like Yoochun...he was the one who thought he would get out and he was the first one to be taken away...maybe it's you next."
Heechul stood up, ready to pounce on Junsu but I held his shoulders firmly.
"He's still pissed off about Yoochun," I said, hoping that Heechul would calm down and thankfully he did.
Junsu Hyung was right though, Heechul Hyung was the first to be taken away.
Exactly six months after Yoochun was taken, followed Heechul. Heechul who I grew close to, who became like a brother to us, who took Yoochun's role of entertaining us.
"You have to get out of here, Changmin," he said, resisting the gaurds in his bed, "you're too good for this place. I don't know how you're here because you're a one decent motherer but when you do, find Jessica for me and tell her that all this time I spend away, I thought of her everyday and every second and my love for her only grew...and if you can, Changmin, help her...for me. Promise me!"
The gaurds managed to handcuff him at last while he shouted at me, "promise me!"
"I promise!" I shouted befroe breaking down in tears.
That day I cried so much but not only for Heechul but for Leetuek, for Kangin, for Yoochun...
For Junsu Hyung who might follow them soon...
For Hani who I want to be alive so I can kill him again...
For myself...
For my lost dreams and youth...
For my family who haven't visited me...
Who abandoned me...
Where they killed in this war?
Is that why I haven't heard from them?
Was Yoona still alive?
Is she eating well?
Is she happy?
Does she miss me?
Does she even remember me?
Yoona...her existence felt like a beautiful dream that I once had.
That night, I couldn't sleep. I cried like a baby, shouting "get me out of here!" numerous times while Junsu watched.
It wasn't until I took out the two pictures I have of Yoona and my family that I really calmed down...
I studied each and everyone of their faces, this is my mom,this my dad, this Kris,this is Neya and this is my little Yoona.
I prayed for the first time in a really long time. I prayed that they're all safe and waiting for me.
Fatigue took over the next morning and I succumbed to sleep.
In my dream, was Hani with his dyed blonde hair and intense eyes. Hani's foot was broken.
"I will strip you of everything, I swear," he said.
Then it became dark and suffocating but Hani's voice continued to echo.
"I will strip you of everything, I swear."
A/N Poor Leetuek, Kangin, Heechul and Yoochun :( I really enjoyed writing them even though its really short.
I know you're all are here for Changyoon and I miss them too but hang in there, OTP will be back soon :)))
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