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“This isn’t healthy.” Jongin has been nothing but a bee in his life for the last 48 hours that have gone by. He buzzes into his apartment whenever he feels like it to check up on him and leaves as soon as he’s done taking care of him.

Chanyeol appreciates what Jongin is doing for him, but he doesn’t feel like showing it; he fails to show any other emotion than sadness and downright guilt.

He has been crawled up in his bed, hugging his blankets close to him as he crawls into a fetal position and stares blankly into space. On days like these, days where he feels like he is piece of , he wishes he worked. He’d have something to distract him because he doesn’t think this is life; living while he is young sounded much better when he was actually enjoying his life and when Yura called every hour to check up on him.

“You need to forgive yourself,” Jongin says again and Chanyeol knows he’s standing by the door. He doesn’t lift his head off the pillow because he doesn’t want to look at the younger man right now. His throat is raw and tight, it feels like it isn’t his own; his own body doesn’t feel like it belongs to him.

It’s as though he’s just borrowing this vessel. “How is she?” He finally forces the words out, clears his throat afterwards and winces because it sort of hurts to talk.

“Look, Chanyeol, I’m not good at this kind of but you need to wake up.” Jongin doesn’t sound angry at all, he sounds worn out.

Chanyeol knows he has been jumping back and forth between his own house, Chanyeol’s and Yura’s apartment. He has made a few trips between both places, Chanyeol is surprised Jongin hasn’t exploded and told them both him to grow up and leave him out of their business.

“She hates me.” He thought all his tears were gone but he’s wrong when they leak out of his eyes, he’s quick to wipe them away once they fall.

“Do you know why?” Of course Jongin has to ask something that stupid; it’s not a stupid question because there’s really no such thing as a stupid question. Chanyeol doesn’t even want to think why.

“Jongin, how is she?” He repeats firmly now, close to jumping off the bed and wanting nothing more than to smack Jongin, just to get some of frustration out of his system but he has never been the violent type so he stays put under his blankets.

"She's less hysterical." A pause stretches before Jongin speaks again. ”How are you?"

"Does she hate me?" Chanyeol asks ignoring his question, the lump in his throat growing as he fights back tears. He's a big ball of depression, something he never thought he'd be because he's always the happy one.

It's always the happiest ones that are the saddest, it seems. "I've never been great at reading her emotions.  I don't know." Jongin finally says and breathes out a long sigh.

"She hates me." He concludes wearily again, it hurts to blink now. His vision might be blurry and wet but it hurts to close his eyes.

"Do you know why?" Jongin repeats his previous question and it doesn’t annoy Chanyeol as much as it did earlier. He knows getting angry at Jongin when it’s not his fault for the mess will be pretty damn stupid on his part.

"I ed around with her boyfriend." He tells him, trying to sound firm and failing miserably, his voice cracks. “I didn’t even tell her everything. I couldn’t, I couldn’t tell her he gave me a goddamn right under her nose.”

He had left Yura’s apartment when he wouldn’t stop crying and she brokenly begged him to leave. Jongin had walked in to pull him away for clinging on her and asked him to give her time; thinking about how hurt Yura looked scared him and he saw how she quickly walked into Jongin’s arms.

"…you've hurt her in ways she never thought possible but Yura loves you, Chanyeol.” He lifts his head to look up at Jongin, he winces when his joints crack and he sighs as he pulls himself up and sits on his bed. He reeks of bad odor and it’s nauseating, he needs a shower or two and a meal, preferably a happy meal to lift his dull spirit.

Jongin is the nonsense type and Chanyeol appreciates that about him but he isn’t up for the harsh truth being told to him in a hardhearted way. He wants to tell Jongin to  off because he doesn’t understand what emotions he’s going through. “You let her down,” Jongin adds as an afterthought and it stings to hear it because it’s the truth.

Chanyeol opens his mouth and closes it, he shuts up because Jongin might leave and never come back if he says something idiotic. “I know,” He looks down at his hands on his lap and swallows thickly; he really needs to put some Colgate in his mouth and a toothbrush. “And I don’t know how to fix it.”

“You can’t.” Jongin stresses and Chanyeol grips his sheets loosely in his fists. He starts wondering why he’s friends with someone who straightforwardly says things as they are without caring about his feelings. Can’t Jongin see that he’s aching? That he’s in a bad position and hates himself? “There’s no fixing this –”

“I ing know that!” He cries out and glares at Jongin through his tears, “,” He whispers and lets out a dry laugh, “, I know I messed up. You’re not making me feel any better about this.”

“You’re not supposed to feel better–”

“Get the out if you’re only going to step on me!” He tears the blankets off his frame and hops off the bed; he stumbles forward and pathetically falls to the ground. His stomach rumbles and he cries, furiously wiping at his eyes and wailing as he tries to pick himself up but has no energy to do so.

Jongin helps him up and he lets him. He is guided to the bathroom and he sits on the toilets lid. He takes the toothbrush with Colgate smudged on it and shakily puts it in his mouth, a mug is in his line of vision seconds later and he’s grateful Jongin hasn’t left him after his little rude outburst of frustration.

“I cheated,” Jongin breaks the silence, “That’s why we ended and that’s why Yura won’t even look at you,” He continues, “She may have expected it from me but not from you of all people; it’s complicated, Chanyeol.” He awkwardly pats Chanyeol on the shoulder to comfort him, “But she’s going to forgive you, don’t worry about it.”

¤¤¤¤

He’s sitting on the sofa with his legs folded under him as he stares absentmindedly at the television screen; it’s some reality shows with a number of idiots as the main cast.

He presses the mug in his hands to his lips, taking a sip of his hot Cacao and feeling his whole being warm up as soon as it goes down his throat. Jongin left an hour ago after making sure he took a shower and tidied up the mess that he called his room and made him something warm to eat.

Chanyeol admits his body feels healthy and he has more energy to move around without stumbling over or tripping on nothing. He leans back into his sofa, carefully holding his mug in his left hand and changing channels using the remote in his other hand.

His attention keeps turning to his iPhone on the table in front of him, he resists checking it; he’s hoping to receive a message from Yura. Anything from her at this point sounds perfect, she can insult him all she wants, and he just wants to see something from her or hear her voice.

His heart aches less now but the obviously has to do with the fact that he doesn’t know what to feel now. He’s tired of the guilt because it keeps sending him to the brink of insanity and his heart can’t take more of the shame.

The doorbell rings the second his iPhone’s screen flashes brightly, he quickly picks up his iPhone after setting his mug on the table and gets to his feet. He unlocks his phone and glowers in confusion at the unidentified number, he clicks the message and furrows his eyebrows at the single word; Hi.

He reaches his door, heart pumping loudly and hoping the person behind the door is Yura. Chanyeol takes in a deep breath, unlocks the door and pulls it open. The smile he forced on his face falls slightly at the sight of Kris standing there with his hands in his pockets.

He moves to slam the door in his face but the older man is quicker than he is and holds it open. “Get out –” He doesn’t get to finish his order because Kris’ arms around wrapping around him and he’s pulled into the warm chest, his head is on the man’s shoulder as he looks up at the ceiling trying to fight back tears. “You’re n-not supposed to be here,” His voice is quivering and his arms drop loosely at his sides, “You’re not supposed to be here.”

The large hand crawls up the small of his back to his neck and his face is buried in Kris’ neck, he inhales the man’s scent and just feels like crying. His heart shouldn’t be beating and trying to reach out for Kris to steady it, not today. Not until he’s dealt with hating himself, if he’ll ever grow out of self-loathe.

“This is my entire fault,” Kris finally says and Chanyeol releases a boxed sob that he has been trying to keep at bay. “But I won’t let you go, you understand?”

“She h-hates me because of you,” He closes his eyes tightly and he lets himself be held, “Your words mean nothing right now.” He’s lying to himself. “Get out.”

Kris pulls away from him and Chanyeol tries to avoid eye contact, warm hands turn his head over and he has no choice but to stare at the man his heart is secretly crying out for. He tries to pull himself together and no look weak but it’s hard staring into the eyes of a man he seeks his comfort in.

Chanyeol’s tears are wiped off his cheeks for him as he stands there staring. Kris leans in and he closes his eyes, warm breath tickles his skin sending sparkles of ease throughout his body and dry lips are pressed on both his eyelids, “Don’t cry,” Kris whispers softly, tracing his thumbs over his cheeks like he’s fascinated with what he’s looking and Chanyeol doesn’t understand what’s so captivating about his touch.

“Why do you always touch –” He’s interrupted by an index finger on his lips and the emotion in Kris’ eyes imprison him.

"I can’t bear to see you cry," Chanyeol turns away from him at that, heart beating loudly and his lower lip trembles. Having no idea what to say, he lets out a snort and it comes out sounding more like a sob.

"Don't blame yourself; I’m sorry for causing you pain." Kris mumbles softly and Chanyeol is pulled into a tight hug that glues his heart just for the first few milliseconds before it drops and smashes into even smaller pieces.

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Idk what omg. November ends finally  in a few hours; happy December (◕.◕✿) next update on Wednesday. Until next time and stay safe C:¡