But still, the reason I live

The one freedom that I found in this tense situation

If there is a single ray of light that will protect you rather than me

It’s you, it’s you

-Beast: Black Paradise-

That week was the best Erika could have.  She had visited Gikwang at the ward during his three days hospitalization.  He wasn’t that sick or seriously injured, but Yoshikuni insisted that he and Hyunseung get all the care they should after a long journey out there.  Yoshikuni said that they could be infected by something they did not know.  After they were discharged, Erika and Junhyung had helped to prepare both Gikwang’s and Hyunseung’s room.  Junhyung had added another wiring to both their rooms.  Just like any other rooms, the alarm buttons next to all their beds were connected to Junhyung’s room and walkie-talkie.  One push to the button and the alarm will sound and Junhyung will be right by their side.  That’s how he wanted it to function.  That was how he cared about everybody and Erika admired him for that.

Also, Erika and Gikwang had volunteered to cook most of their meals lately.  The others let them because they knew that Erika needed a lot of times with somebody she knew.  At the moment, Gikwang was the only one that can make Erika felt connected to them.

“Smells good,” Dongwoon was the first to enter the kitchen that morning.

“We have shepherd pie today for breakfast,” Gikwang chirped.

“I told him that it is quite heavy for breakfast.  I suggested pancakes but he insists we make this,” Erika punched Gikwang lightly at his arm.

“It is your favourite anyway,” Gikwang said.  Erika laughed.  That one, she remembered.  Gikwang cooked shepherd pie for her quite a lot of times at college.

Dongwoon looked at them and he smiled.  He remembered her favourite food too.  Not only that; her favourite colour, movie, song, he knew almost everything about her.  Perhaps it was not really important that she remembered him before, but now that he saw how closed she was with Gikwang, he wished Erika could remember him just the same.  They were supposed to share a bond that nobody else would.  They were supposed to share the same, special feeling.  Suddenly, Dongwoon noticed that he might be the loneliest among them currently.

“Dongwoon!” Gikwang’s voice pulled him out of his trance, “Erika asked have the other wake up yet?”

“Oh, yes.  I saw Yoshikuni and Doojoon opened the windows upstairs.  Yoseob and Sierra were cleaning their room.  I don’t know about Junhyung and Hyunseung.  Both doors were still closed as I get down here,” Dongwoon said.  Erika nodded and looked at Gikwang.

“You prepare the table and I will get them,” Erika said cheerfully and she was gone just in a second.

Dongwoon smiled.  The sight of cheerful Erika made him happy.  He saw Gikwang smiled too.  Dongwoon walked in and helped Gikwang setting up the table.

“Did you try telling her?” Gikwang asked after a moment.

“Telling who what?” Dongwoon asked, pouring the apple juice into the glasses.

“Tell Erika that you are her fiancée, that both of you are engaged to each other,” Gikwang started to get very serious.

“She might not have the feeling anymore.  She forgot everything, dude.  She can’t remember me.  She can’t remember our memories together.  What makes you think that she still loves me all the same?  I can force all the information about me to her but I can’t force her to love me again if she doesn’t anymore,” Dongwoon put down the jug.  He was slightly trembling.

“Have you tried to make her remember?” asked Gikwang.

“I tried.  We all tried.  We gave her subtle hints.  Sometimes, we even replayed the dialogues, jokes and even scenes that we used to share before.  But, she did not show any sign that she remembers at all,” Dongwoon trembled more.  He quickly pulled a chair and sat down, before he had another episode of his nerve injury after-effect.  He was never fond of that one.

“Hey, Dongwoon.  I am really sorry.  I shouldn’t have said anything,” Gikwang was quite surprised how weak Dongwoon could be.

“No.  It’s fine.  I should have more control over myself,” Dongwoon said, obviously frustrated.

“We will work something out together, alright?” Gikwang said, very assuring.

“Yeah.  Thanks,” Dongwoon nodded.

Their conversation was interrupted by the sound of people shouting.  There were also loud footsteps and they kept getting nearer and nearer.  Then, they heard another shout that sounded like angry voice.  Dongwoon and Gikwang looked at each other, already confused by the situation.  Their confusion tripled when they saw Erika ran into the kitchen followed by Junhyung behind her.  Apparently, Junhyung had woken up as early as the others, judging on how he had already showered and dressed in jeans and laundered shirt.  He captured Erika by her arm and Dongwoon would have thought that Junhyung might want to kill her, except that she was laughing her heart out.

Shortly after that, Hyunseung ran into the kitchen, out of breath and still in his pyjamas, saying ‘I am sorry’ again and again.  Then, Yoshikuni followed suit looking angry while Doojoon tried to calm her down.  Yoseob and Sierra were the only normal looking at that instant and they shook their head as the commotion unfolded before them.

“You guys can continue bickering or join us for breakfast,” Yoseob said as Sierra scooped the shepherd pie into two plates.

“Okay...” Dongwoon frowned, “Anybody cares to enlighten me and Gikwang on what’s going on?” he asked.

“Well, this sweetheart over here-” Junhyung pointed towards Erika who were still laughing, “-thinks it is funny to sound the security alarm from Hyunseung’s room,” he finished.

“Well, I need to wake you and Hyunseung up,” she defended herself.

“I rise with the Sun, in case you don’t notice after weeks staying here.  Also, you could just knock on my door and ask me to get down for breakfast,” Junhyung was clearly annoyed.

“Okay.  I thought that cracking a morning joke will help to cheer up the day.   I am sorry that it went wrong,” she rolled her eyes and took a seat beside Yoseob.

“Cracking jokes is not wrong, but how you did it is wrong,” Yoshikuni butted in, “You are playing with our safety system.  The alarm is strictly for safety only and obviously you think it is proper to use it to wake people up!”

“Hey!  She says that she’s sorry.  I think that is quite enough,” Doojoon’s voice displayed such authority that even Junhyung went quiet, “It is time for breakfast.  We have quite a schedule today.”

All of them took their seats at the dining table.  Sierra helped to scooped shepherd pie for all of them.  They knew better than to say anything at the dining table about the bicker just now, except for Hyunseung.  He can’t just sit and enjoy the meal.

“Junhyung, I am really sorry about just now.  I…it was my fault.  I should have not let her in or let her push that button.  I am really sorry,” he started.

“Buddy, you just have to say it, don’t you?  You can’t just wait until we are finished with the meal, right?” Sierra raised her brows.

“I…no…I-”

“It’s alright,” Junhyung brushed it off, “It’s done.  Let’s just hope there’s no second time,” he looked at Erika.  Their eyes met.

“Well…that…no second time.  I promise,” she smiled chivalrously at Junhyung.

“Alright then, case closed.  Hyunseung, why don’t you finish your meal and then go for morning shower?  You and Gikwang need to follow me to the shooting range.  I need to see both your defence skill,” Junhyung said.

“Dongwoon have to follow me to the check on the second water pump,” Doojoon fit himself into the conversation.

“If Dongwoon is going, then I have to go too,” said Yoshikuni.

“Or it is rather if Doojoon is going, then you have to go too,” Dongwoon teased.

“Really, Dongwoon?  In case you don’t notice, you had your episode just a week ago.  I am doing my job here to keep you alive.  If you prefer I am not following, then don’t blame me when you die,” said Yoshikuni while taking a large bite of the pie.

“Okay.  I am just joking, okay?” Dongwoon rolled his eyes.

“I hate people joking about health just as much as Junhyung hates people joking about security,” she made her point.

“Oh, well.  Don’t bring me into your analogy, sweetie,” Junhyung replied nonchalantly.

“What about me?” Erika interrupted, “Am I just going to stay here at the base?”

“Well, I don’t see a problem.  At least, you are safe here,” Junhyung quickly replied.

“There’s nothing out there, Junhyung,” Erika rolled her eyes.

“What’s wrong with staying at the base?  Yoseob and Sierra stay,” Gikwang made a point.

“Well, yes.  But, they have something to do.  Yoseob is maintaining the system and Sierra takes care of the farm today.  What should I do here?” she argued.

“Stay at the library and read or you can help Sierra farming,” Hyunseung shrugged.  They were all quite surprise to hear Hyunseung argued when he was usually quiet at all times.

“It is not my turn to keep the farm today.  Besides, Sierra and Yoseob won’t feel bored because they have each other,” Erika went again.

“Whoa, whoa, Erika.  What do you mean by that statement?” Yoseob’s eyes widened but everybody ignored his question.

“You want to follow us checking the pump?” Dongwoon asked.

“No!” she shouted and Dongwoon was taken aback by her answer, “I want to follow Junhyung.  Please, may I go to the shooting range?” she asked.

Suddenly, the attention was diverted to Junhyung.  He stopped eating and looked at them.  Erika was still giving him that hopeful look and he wished he could squish her face.

“Are you serious?  I have enough trouble taking two dunderheads with me to a shooting practice and I am not taking another one who takes safety as a joke,” Junhyung deadpanned.

Hyunseung was surprised and Gikwang choked on the apple juice upon being called dunderheads by Junhyung.  Erika sighed because Junhyung apparently was still angry with her for the morning’s event.

“I am not going to blow up anything,” she defended.

“Just take her, Junhyung.  I am sure she won’t mess up,” Yoshikuni intervened before another argument begins.  Junhyung looked at Erika for a moment before he nodded.

“Okay, just don’t try anything,” Junhyung warned and resumed eating.

“I won’t!” she replied excitedly.

All of them finished their meal quietly after that.  The mood suddenly lifted up and all of them couldn’t wait to get on with the day.  But, nobody noticed the light dimmed in Dongwoon’s eyes.

+++++

“You got it right, Zeta!” Junhyung complimented Gikwang on his shooting skill.  After looking at how they shot, Junhyung knew he didn’t have a lot of things to work on them.  There might be a few things he can brush up and they will be as good as a soldier.  No, that was not his target.  His target was as long as they can defence themselves in a dire time.  That was enough for him.  But, seeing how skilful both of them were, he knew that they could join force with him in protecting the others should something really bad happen.

He checked on Hyunseung again.  Personally, Junhyung think that Hyunseung is a better shooter than Gikwang.  He had better aim and he shot with higher accuracy.  But, he didn’t have the consistency that Gikwang had.  He easily lost focus.  Junhyung might have to work something on that.  He can’t let Hyunseung’s focus lose when he is just a second away from being killed.

“Where did you learn shooting, Epsilon?” Junhyung asked when Hyunseung reloaded his gun with a magazine full of bullets.

“Somewhere near north, at a place just like this.  They really need to maintain security because they are hiding near north,” Hyunseung answered.

“Cool,” Junhyung said.

“Where did you get all these firearms?  Will you have more if we use it for training?” Hyunseung asked.

“Let me worry about that.  Your job is to empty that magazine for this training session.  I don’t know if you need another session.  You are quite good.  Just work on your focus,” Junhyung clapped Hyunseung on the shoulder.  He then moved to look at Erika.

Erika was not as good as the other two.  Actually, she was the worst one among them.  Even Dongwoon was better in shooting than her.  But, Junhyung thought that her skill was acceptable if it was only to defend herself.  She was not accurate, neither was she consistent but she was not at all trembling when she held the firearms and her shot was not missing by a big range.  That was good enough for Junhyung.  Though at that particular moment, her aim was only a bit lower than the actual target.

“Aim higher.  You are shooting the ground, not the target,” he said.  Without looking at him, she nodded and lifted the gun higher.  Junhyung shook his head and walked towards her.

“Too high,” he said and he took her hand in his and pulled it down a bit, “Here.  Just nice,” he said as he held her wrist tight, trying to make it stay in the position until she fired the shot.

But, Junhyung noticed that she wasn’t holding that aim.  She was too focused on something else that she was not aiming anymore.  Junhyung followed her eyes and they landed on his hand which was holding hers.  Then, she turned her head and her gaze locked with his.  Junhyung let go of her wrist and her arm fell limply by her side.

“I’m sorry, Erika.  I…shouldn’t have done that,” Junhyung said calmly and scratched his head.

“No. No, it’s fine.  Where was it just now?  Here?” she raised her arm again and took her aim.  She looked at Junhyung for confirmation and Junhyung nodded.  She fired her shot.

“I did it right, right?” she asked awkwardly.  Junhyung was glad that he could direct his stare towards the target located 100 m away from where they stood.

“Should be.  I will look at it later,” Junhyung said and he walked back to Gikwang.

Erika felt heat crept up her face and dismissed her thought about it.  It should be the Sun.  She shook her head again before continued her shooting.  They stopped the training only for lunch before resuming it for another hour.  When Junhyung was satisfied, he called the training off.  They packed up their things and hanged the rifles by their shoulders.

They did not travel with bike that day because Hyunseung and Gikwang did not have one yet.  Therefore, they needed to get back early to reach the base office by walking.  Walking can only get so interesting for a while.  Gikwang can’t stand the silent that surrounded them.

“Why did you train us to shoot?  This place is like the furthest away from the north.  Nothing can reach you here,” he started.  Junhyung did not need to be the smartest person in the world to know that the question was directed to him.

“If you can reach this place from the north, other people can,” he shrugged, “I think I will be able to live in peace if all of you are able to defend yourselves,” he stated.

“You care that much?” asked Erika and little did she know that Junhyung took that question quite emotionally.

“Yes, I care.  I care about you,” he looked intently into her eyes, “I care about all of you,” he sighed and looked onto the ground.

Then, he continued, “When our unit was broken, I knew that I failed your trust.  I failed everybody’s trust.  I was unable to free both of you,” he looked at Erika and Hyunseung, “I was unable to save Omicron.  I was unable to prevent you being kidnapped,” he paused and looked at Gikwang, “I was unable to defend Beta, Sigma and Gamma,” he sighed again, “And I don’t want that to happen again.  At least, if you guys know how to defend yourself, nobody would have to depend on somebody like me, somebody who fails to protect his own friends.”

That moment, Erika knew that Junhyung was so broken inside.  He had maintain the strong façade in front of them and kept his feelings to himself.  They thought he was so fussy about security that he scolded them for every little thing.  They thought he was being paranoid about everything that could happen to them.  But, the reality was he’s traumatized by the past experiences where he thought it was his mistake those incidents happened to them.  She looked at Gikwang and Hyunseung, who gave her that look that showed they also share the same thought as her.

“Hey,” Gikwang stopped on his track, maybe trying to break the sudden downcast situation “Look at this,” Gikwang crouched and picked something up from the ground.  Junhyung eyed that thing suspiciously.  He was about to stop Gikwang when Hyunseung shouted.

“A mobile phone?” he beamed, “I’ve never seen that thing since…I was imprisoned,” he took the phone from Gikwang and eyed it excitedly.

“I know right?” Gikwang took back the broken phone, “Look, Upsilon!  It’s broken but our mechanical engineer might be able to fix it!  Look, Iota!” he shoved that phone under Erika’s nose.

Pieces of memories suddenly rushed through her brain that it hurt physically.  Black spots danced around her eyes, alternately changing with replay of those memories.  She held her head in her hands, tightly.  She heard someone called her name and held her, but she was so blinded by pain that she was unable to answer back.  Imprisoned…mobile phone…escaped…mobile phone…bomb went off…deafening sound…all mixed in her fuzzy brain.  Finally, her mind was clear and she could remember the related memory.

“No…no!” she shouted and she looked at Gikwang and the mobile phone in his hand.

Suddenly, she took her rifle and aimed it at Gikwang’s hand, to shoot it.  She fired the shot but luckily Junhyung was quick to grab her arm and the shot missed Gikwang by inches.  Hyunseung was so surprised by the sound and the traumatic memory conquered him.  He shuddered.

“Calm down, Erika!” Junhyung shouted and took the rifle away from her.  He didn’t even realise that he had used her full name.

But, she was quick to pull the knife secured at Junhyung’s belt.  She swung it in front of Gikwang.  Gikwang felt threatened and he took his rifle and aimed it at her.  Junhyung tried to get near to Erika carefully.  Hyunseung was panic.

“Shoot the phone!  I can’t…I am not a killer!  I don’t kill-I-shoot it!” Erika shouted and nobody could make any sense of her words.

Gikwang who still felt threatened kept the rifle targeted at her.  Knowing Gikwang’s shooting skill, Junhyung quickly grabbed Erika, forgetting the knife in her hand.  Gikwang pulled the trigger and Junhyung shielded Erika with himself while pulling her away.  But, the bullet slammed into the flesh of his arm.  Hyunseung was so shocked.  He pulled the rifle from Gikwang when he was about to take his second aim.

“Damn it!” Junhyung muttered under his breath.

With Erika still wrapped in his arm, he gave a sidekick to Gikwang’s head just enough to knock him down.  Erika used that moment to break free from Junhyung by slashing his lower arm with the knife.  Blood scattered everywhere.

“!” Junhyung cursed again before he kicked Erika’s hand and the pain made her release the knife.

Junhyung used that moment to grab her again and calmed her down.  She fell to the ground, bringing him with her.  Hyunseung eyed them fearfully while checking on Gikwang.

“Calm down, Erika,” Junhyung whispered gently.  Erika sobbed and muttered nonsense again.

“I can’t kill anybody…it wasn’t me.  I can’t-Impossible.  I didn’t do it…” her voice faltered before she lost consciousness in his arm.  Junhyung trembled.

“Are you alright, Hyunseung?” he panted, forgetting all means of nickname and safety.  Hyunseung nodded.  His face was wet with tears.

“Is he alright?” Junhyung gestured to Gikwang.  Hyunseung nodded again.

“Good,” Junhyung lowered Erika to the ground and with shaky hand he got the walkie-talkie from his belt.

He quickly contacted the base office to make his report.

+++++

She slowly gained consciousness and she felt something warm wrapped her hand.  She could feel that somebody was very near to her.  She could also hear voices.

“I’m fine.  The kick didn’t concuss me…”

“Sit down, Junhyung.  You lost quite a lot of blood on your way here…”

“I am very sorry that I shot you…”

Her eyes snapped open.  She suddenly became very alert.  She saw Dongwoon standing vigil beside her bed.  She tried to comprehend what was going on.  Why was she on bed?  What happened?  Why were all of them in the ward?  Why Gikwang looked weak?  Why was Junhyung pale?

“Erika, are you okay?” Dongwoon asked her.  She looked at him.  Then, the memory of the war came back to her.

“I didn’t…no!” she threw a fit again.  Dongwoon tried to hold her down, preventing her from injuring herself.  But, Erika was hard to control.

“Erika, please,” Dongwoon hissed as she kicked his arm.

Junhyung was fast on his feet.  He pushed Dongwoon away and quickly pinned Erika down onto the bed.  Yoshikuni was trying to inject Erika with something to knock her unconscious.

“No, Yoshikuni!  I need her conscious!” Junhyung shouted.  Yoshikuni halted.  The others watched from the side-line, feeling unnecessary to interfere.  Junhyung used all his strength to hold her down.  When she was reduced to sobbing, Junhyung asked gently.

“What is it, Erika?  What is it that you want to tell us?”

“I started the war,” she looked at Junhyung in his eyes, “I activated the bomb…”

Listening to: Of Men and Monsters - Little Talks

Mood: Tired =.=