After our last meeting in the strangely deserted park, we never talked to each other again. I might have went to school and attended the same classes as him, but devastatingly Jungguk never felt the need to exchange a single word with me. It was like to him I became an invisible being that was meant to be ignored by everyone – like a ghost you should never get involved with.

However even though he never spared a lone glance at me, I couldn't prohibit my rebellious eyes from following his form, which was walking along a beautiful girl that for a while has been glued to his side. The girl was like an angel who the second got near him was able to flawlessly conjure an authentic smile on his handsome face. Thus even without the gossip which had been spat out by my classmate almost daily, was I able to conceive that exactly that female happened to overtake my position as his girlfriend.

The way he treated her so delicately like she was a precious gem, made a wave of nostalgia rush over my cold figure that was only able to witness the scenes. Seeing them act so lovely-dovey made me wonder if in the past we were beheld the same way in others eyes. A happy couple who cherished one another endlessly and was maybe even envied.

I would actually be lying if I told you that seeing him treat someone else so dearly while he completely denied my existence didn't hurt me the least. I might feel alleviated that he was able to live so carefree even when I wasn't by his side. But my emotional side which still longed for his warmth, made me taste the bitter flavor of jealousy.

Sometimes I caught myself glaring maliciously at the ideal picture and cursing appallingly in my ill brain. Wishing that I could just go up there and retrieve Jungguk while pushing the new face, that by now became way to familiar, away.
But what right did I exactly had? I was sadly in his eyes neither a girlfriend nor a normal friend who had a right to get inside his private space.

Therefore wouldn't it be strange if I just broke into his bubble and try to selfishly chain him to my ephemeral body that soon will disappear from the world anyway? After all the oncoming future was inevitable and me leaving a precious person behind was confirmed.

And for the simple reason that I knew the outcome did I refrain myself from acting reckless and generate more unneeded drama in everyone's lives. Even when others would shake their head at my apathetic self. However can you really call me a coward due to my desire to hide and remain mute? Is it wrong from me to be afraid of the scenario that depicts me paining the one person that meant the world to me – and devastatingly still does? I doubt it is and that is why I found my actions justified. 

Therefore I will swallow all the discomfort and wither in pain while the world remained oblivious to my fading self. Just carrying on my last bit of lifetime that god offered me silently.

.・゜゜・❁・゜゜・

After a week of dragging my delicate body to the school and straining it mercilessly, my aunt finally had enough and forbade me from attending school. At first I argued vociferously and refused to succumb to her demand as being trapped at home was a revolting idea.
However I forgot the fact that my aunt was a sophisticated woman who held a strong aura of superiority and not having any other chance I had to relinquish. Therefore me remaining moody for a little while was something natural and only after being aware of the fact that my aunt didn't mean any harm and just cared for my well being, did the negative vibe disappear.

Merely being able to remain inside the restricting walls that confined my being, made time go by even slower and the desire to see Jungguk grow to an unbearable size. Daily asking myself what he was doing and if he was fine and repeating it like a cursed chant. I noted how his omnipresence slowly but surely drove me out of my mind and how the questions reverberating in my pestilential skull caused major headaches.

Pain. That sole expression described my current state perfectly. But even though this sensation was caused by exactly him, did I knew that no matter what, I won't ever be able to hate nor forget him...

Now having the opportunity of seeing him gotten snatched away, made my life even more senseless and lethargic. I used to take strolls outside but due to the fact that almost every part was able to revoke old memories, did I come to fear the common walks. Thus after a few painful experience did I decide to remove them from my routine. I wanted to protect myself from the used happy memories that encountered me outside shamelessly.
Though the second I returned home I noted how they secretly followed me and tread into my supposed sanctuary with the aim of destroying it. Therefore who was I kidding when I said Jungguk was the cause of the anguish? In reality I was the one who caused it by recalling the idealistic memories. I was the one hurting myself...

.・゜゜・❁・゜゜・

I was sitting alone at home and just admiring the green trees that could be seen through the window. I had no energy left to actually move around and thus I was unwantedly tied to the comfortable bed that by now I had been using far to often. The illness was quickly draining my strength and preventing me from making contact with the world that was on the other side of the suffocating walls. Moreover making me undergo the process of decay.

I was caught in this cage like a bird. Doomed to perish without having the change to spread my broken wings for one more time. However for the simple reason that I knew that I won't be able to hold onto this life any longer did the restriction fail to frustrate me.

Today I was aware that my energy would come to an end and please don't ask me why I knew as the sensation couldn't be described. Just experiencing the strange but unlikely calming feeling made me wonder if everyone felt it before they had to leave this world behind. As if that was the case then death wasn't that revolting anymore.
 

Even though I knew that the grim reaper will soon materialize to take me on a new journey I wasn't scared at all. Theoretically I would be able to part from this world without any regrets, but I did feel bad for leaving my aunt behind who would surely cry over my permanent absence. However that was actually all I was sorry for as my whole life was pleasant and full of joy. I had a amazing boyfriend who offered me the opportunities to experience the famous love.

He let me enjoy the world and made me acknowledge that life had so much to offer and thus I developed the view that no one should ever get the feeling of wanting to throw it away. For that single reason did I feel unbelievable grateful to him. He was my world and my signpost. Never failing to brighten my day and never failing to make me smile in bliss.

Therefore me not mastering the skill to stop myself from worrying about the special person that I hadn't seen for a felt eternity was predictable. Questions like “How is he doing?” or “Is he happy with his new girlfriend?” were swirling around my weary head and all I could do was muster up scenarios. Literally hearing my time ticking away I took the opportunity to pray for his safety and happiness. It was my biggest wish after all.
 

Slowly realizing how my energy decreased I inhaled deeply before leaning my tired back against the headboard. The wind which was blowing softly through my opened window seemed to caress my body with the aim of lulling me into safety. Everything around my surrounding appeared to be aware of my last moment and thus even the bird decided to chirp me a lovely song. A song most definitely with a goodbye message.

Closing my immensely heavy eyes I noted how diverse memories flashed before me like a beautiful movie. Fracture of where I first meet Jungguk and memories of our shared times. Everywhere he was present. And even now where I was ready to leave this mortal world did I found him so close to me. As only by recalling the good times was I able to experience the feeling of having him right beside me. Him standing by my side and smiling caringly at me...

“Say Jungguk. Are you happy right now? Does your girlfriend treat you well?
 And please tell me Jungguk... Am I still your ´Clock´?”

Hello~

Hope you guys are well. Update is messy and late because of the lack of time (>_< )

But thank you for being patient!