Chapter 8                                                                                                        

“The boundaries which divided Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and when the other begins?”

-Edgar Allan Poe

“Dr. Hirayama…”

A doctor who was in deep thoughts raised his head to the man who called him. It was one of his colleagues, carrying a brown envelope with him. The man walked towards the doctor who was sitting and handed the brown envelope.

“Dr. Hirayama, this is the radiograph result you were asking for,” The younger doctor said and looked curiously at the doctor in front of him.

“Thank you, Dr. Takahashi,” The elder one only said and hurriedly took out the film inside.

The young doctor watched as his senior walked to a board and switched it open showing another set of films already placed there. The doctor then placed the new film from Dr. Takahashi and scrutinized it. They’ve both stayed in complete silence for a minute before Dr. Hirayama let out a defeated sigh.

“Dr. Hirayama? Is that what you think it is?” The other doctor asked and watched every move the doctor was making.

“It does have some similarities but there are other diseases that could cause this too. We need to do more tests on her to be sure,” The doctor replied and looked back at the radiographs that were previously there.

“Other than that, I have this feeling that something’s amiss. Looking at these radiographs, there’s more to it that I couldn’t put my finger on,” The doctor added as he stared at the films.

“W-What?” Dr. Takahashi asked curiously. The doctor in front of him was, in his opinion, the greatest orthopedic he ever seen. He has bagged a lot of recognitions for his works and was also specializing in some of the rarest diseases in the skeletal system but for him to be uncertain on one thing is quiet surprising and yet, there’s a sense of wonder. The younger doctor could clearly see the problem on the radiographs but the elder one was saying that there’s more to it. Certainly, he has a lot more to learn from the doctor.

“The MRI scan was focused on the spine itself which is okay to me but this chest x-ray was the one I’m having problem right now. They’ve only done an anterior view of the x-ray initially, I couldn’t see past these organs and bones.” Dr. Hirayama pointed at one of the radiographs consisting of a whole picture of a thorax.

 “Is Sasazaki Mami-san already here?” He asked suddenly.

“N-No. The doctors who referred her to us said that they might be coming later this day,” Dr. Takahashi said.

“Very well,” The older doctor said, “As soon as she’s here, let her come in my office instantly.”

“Hai.” Dr. Takahashi gave a small bow before he left the doctor brooding on his own thoughts.

“What could this be?” Dr. Hirayama asked himself once more before finally putting his attention to his shelves full of books. He started pulling some of the books and placing it to his desk, turning the pages to find some answers to his questions.

A certain disease caught his attention. He gave a few lectures back then about that disease but he himself have never encountered one in his entire career. The doctor then browsed the said disease and looked up at the sample radiographs that the authors of the book have placed there.

 When he was able to get the gist of the disease, he wrote the name on a single paper and headed on reading on the other ailments on the spine. Slowly, the list added up and from time to time, he would cross out some of it leaving him a couple of names of some diseases. All he needed for now was to wait for Mami to come and see for himself what’s wrong with her.

~*~*~*~

A day after the incident happened, Mami found herself sitting in the waiting room of Omori Medical Center in Tokyo, pretending to be reading a magazine provided there. The uneasy feeling she hadn’t felt when her brother told her about the results of her radiographs suddenly came crushing in when they’ve reached the hospital they were referred to. It was a nice hospital though that left Mami in awe once she entered it.

Unlike the hospital she was in before, this one was bigger and everything seems to shine. The place was sparkling clean with glass doors and elegant-looking, comfy chairs placed against the wall. The place looks beautiful but also daunting given the case on what hospitals have in reputation. But it was not that nor was the intimidating atmosphere the hospital emitted that made Mami nervous. It was the patients who were also waiting for their names to be called that made her nervous.

Most of them wore cast on an extremity, some were using canes and some of them were wearing body brace. Then she noticed that some of them have one limb gone. She quickly diverted her eyes back to the magazine as the thought of having one of her limbs cut off played to her over-imaginative mind. She shook the thought away and convinced herself that the doctor would definitely not cut her limbs.

Urgh, I shouldn’t have watched Saw last night. Mami shivered slightly when she remembered the protagonist of the movie sawing his own foot to get free.

To divert her attention from the gruesome scene, Mami tried to focus her attention once more to the magazine but slowly, her eyes wandered around the room as it seems like she was fonder to take the whole room in than reading.

It was then that a woman was wheeled into the room by a man who might be already on his fifty’s and headed to the reception table. Once the man finished talking to the nurse at the table, he immediately wheeled the woman on to the chairs and sat just a few meters away from Mami.

Mami then noticed that a small oxygen tank was placed at the back of the wheelchair with a tube connected to it and into the woman’s nose. She was not supposed to stare at the woman that long but then her eyes caught an unusual movement from her. The woman was motionless except for her hands that seemed to be shaking involuntarily.

A feeling of recognition came sweeping on Mami’s whole being in an instant and she can’t help but wonder on the sudden connection with the frail woman. Mami was bothered about it and so she tried to figure out what it was when Tamotsu suddenly called out her attention.

“Mami, what are you looking at?” Tamotsu asked and followed her gaze only to find a woman on a wheelchair with a man who was older than her.

“N-Nothing,” Mami said and looked back at the colored pages of the magazine.

Tamotsu considered his sister for a minute before shrugging it off and decided to bury his nose to his phone again.

Mami peered to her brother’s direction and seeing that he was busy with his phone, take a quick glance on the woman but was surprised when the woman was now staring at her.

Their eyes met for a second and Mami felt a chill ran down her spine instantly. The woman held her eyes for a couple of seconds until the woman herself brought her gaze to her hands once more.

Mami tried her best to tear her eyes away from the woman but something about her made Mami feel unsettled in the whole ordeal of staying and waiting in that room.

Empty…

Mami had thought as the woman’s eyes met hers even for a brief second. Her stare was blank with no spark like most of the people should have and the feeling that the woman had somehow transcends to Mami was the feeling of not even being alive. Mami shivered at the thought and it didn’t go away until her name was finally called.

“Sasazaki, Mami…”

A nurse had called out and they’ve immediately stood up, following her into a room.

Once Mami and Tamotsu was inside, they found the doctor staring at the different radiographs result on a white, lit board with his hand under his chin. At the sound of their entrance, he turned around and greeted them, holding his hand out for them to shake.

“You must be Mami. My name is Dr. Hirayama,” The doctor said with a smile on his face.

Mami noted that the doctor is a middle-aged man, white streaks were already dominating his hair and he was wearing black-rimmed glasses. Fine lines ran across from his eyes and in between his brows telling Mami that he might be always burrowing his brows in deep thought.

Damn. I’m staring again. Mami cringed inside when she found that she was studying the doctor absentmindedly.

“Err, yes and this is my older brother, Tamotsu,” Mami finally said and introduced her brother. The two only gave a mumbled greeting.

“Please, take a sit.” The doctor motioned on the chairs across his table before taking his behind the desk.

The two sat down and once they were all settled, the doctor started questioning Mami.

“Sasazaki-san, I have seen a copy of your radiographs that your doctor had sent me. Your doctor must have already told you what the results of your radiographs are but can’t explain it to you any further,” The doctor let Mami to confirm what he had said before continuing. “I do have my own assumptions for now but I would want to get a clear picture on everything before discussing it with you. To tell you the truth, there are a lot of diseases I could think of that might have caused this. To help me pinpoint what it really was, we need to do some tests to you and I need to learn what you have been experiencing these past few months, or maybe, also a year ago, so I will ask you to tell me all the details and please, don’t hide anything from me that might have a relevance to the disease.”

“Okay,” Mami reluctantly said and felt nervous once again. Tamotsu felt the sudden shift on Mami’s mood and so he quickly held her hand to his, giving it a gentle squeeze to comfort her which Mami appreciated.

“So let’s start on what had happened to you. Your doctor said that you were brought to the hospital because you almost drowned.”

“Yes.”

“Can you tell me what happened before you fell to the water?”

Mami thought for awhile on the events that had happened before she hit the water, she couldn’t find any significance or any relations to her situation right now but she still did what the doctor asked her to do.

“Well, I was with my brother. We were sitting down in one of the smooth rocks and we’re just talking about some stuff. We stayed for a couple of hours until the sun was finally setting. We agreed to go back before it gets too dark and then,” Mami paused. She was thinking what happened next but it seemed that her mind would instantly skip to the part where she was falling into the water already. She frowned, feeling that she was forgetting something until Tamotsu tugged her hand.

“Mami?” He asked in concern and looked at her. Mami looked back at her brother and just smiled.

“I’m fine. It’s just that, I don’t seem to remember how I fall into the water,” She let out.

“Your near-drowning experience must have something to do about that. It’s just been a day after all. Let’s take it easy until you remember.” The doctor suggested and Mami just nodded her head.

“You have said that your brother was with you…”

“Yes.”

“Well then, Tamotsu-san, do you know what happened?” The doctor’s attention was now fully on Tamotsu.

“Well, continuing from what she just said, we stood up and carrying her bag, I walked ahead of hers before stopping when I’ve noticed that she didn’t follow me. Instead, she walked closer to the edge of the boulder and was staring at the ocean. I didn’t bother calling out for her since she seemed absorbed on watching the sun set so I walked a bit more to give her some space and stopped just a couple of feet away from her.” Tamotsu paused, thinking about the picture he had taken of her sister but decided not to share it to the doctor and his sister.

“Go on,” The doctor said and so he did.

“After that, I looked at my side and saw Mami leaning dangerously close to the water until she fell. I’ve ran towards her and dived into the water. After I got her, I immediately took her to the hospital.” Mami felt Tamotsu’s hand gripped tightly on hers when he told them his side of the story. Mami felt the anxiousness and fear Tamotsu had felt during those times and she felt somewhat guilty. She brought her hand to his shoulders and rubbed it, telling him that she was okay.

Tamotsu’s grip loosened at that point and he let out a breath he was holding.

“Hmm, so she was leaning. Can you describe to me what her position looks like before she fell?” The doctor said after a few seconds.

“She was,” Tamotsu tried to recall it once more and that was when it hit him. The abnormality on her posture didn’t cross his mind until now when the doctor asked.

“She was bent over and her hand was clutching her chest, like it was hurting.” Tamotsu then looked at Mami. The frown was back and she seemed to be thinking about it too.

“Mami?” The doctor looked back at Mami and waited until Mami perked up from her sit.

“I…remember,” She said in a small tone. “What is it?” The doctor leaned forward, his eyes looking at hers but it was seem to be distant.

“My chest suddenly hurt and then, I couldn’t breathe. Every time I tried to breathe in, it was like sand instead. I could feel my throat constricting at some point and that there’s no air coming into my lungs. My vision blurred and then the last thing I knew, I was hitting the water head first.” Mami took a huge breathe. That was an important piece of information but for her to forget was somewhat ridiculous.

“So the neurologic problem was the cause of your drowning,” The doctor mumbled with his hand under his chin again, thinking.

“What do you mean?” Mami asked.

“Your spine is affected on this matter. Misalignment of a vertebrae or discs may cause irritation to the nervous system which could affect the structures, organs and functions of the area affected. It already affected your lungs but I’m sure you were experiencing other things than that. It might be small or that you deem normal and could easily be treated with the usual treatment you were doing but everything you have been experiencing must be due to the condition of your spine.” The doctor paused and looked at the papers in front of him carefully. Mami and Tamotsu’s minds though, were swirling with the information he just said and didn’t fully comprehend it for a second.

“Now with that piece of information, I’ll be asking a series of questions now. Are you ready?”

Mami gave a small nod and felt drying up at that point.

“May I ask how’s your gait is right now? Do you have some problem walking or moving around?”

Mami thought for a while and then cautiously, looked at her hands.

“A bit…” Mami carefully said.

“What do you mean?”At that point, the doctor looked back at Mami.

“I’ve noticed that I tripped a lot. I don’t know when it started but it happens for a long time now. I mean, I was just thinking that I’m getting clumsier…since, I-I don’t get much sleep,” She said hesitantly.

The doctor only nodded. “Does it happen still?”

“Y-Yes.”

“Have you noticed that you’ve gotten slower or some sort like that when walking or running?”

“Uhm, I’m not sure really,” She pondered on the thought until Tamotsu cut in for her.

“Just from my point of view, it seemed that she does moves slower. I thought that she was just getting lazy walking around,” Tamotsu said and Mami only find herself thinking about those times that she seemed to be always getting left behind but those are the times were her mind was focused on something else. It was the times when she was having troubles on her chosen path.

“Very well,” The doctor only said and started writing on the piece of paper in front of him and took note of what they have said.

”Are you having problems in your urination?”

“No.”

“How about appetite.”

“No. I don’t have any problems on eating.”

“Okay then, was it the first time that your chest hurt and you can’t breathe when you almost drowned?”

“Yes. That was the first time.”

“Any problems in breathing before?”

“No. I don’t think so. Except,” She paused.

“Except?”

“Well I used to be a lead guitarist in a band before and we do live concerts a lot. There was a time that after a concert I would be catching my breath which I think is normal since it was expected but as time goes by, my recovery on catching my breath takes longer than it used to.”

The doctor jotted it down again and continued to ask her questions. It was like a whirlwind of questions on how Mami’s body functioned and at some point Mami was getting self-conscious but she answered his every question truthfully.

“How’s your back? Does it hurt or did you notice something different?”

“Well, it does hurt a bit from time to time.”

“May I just add that she was also slouching which I find odd,” Tamotsu said and that made Mami frowned.

“I’m slouching?” She asked and Tamotsu only nodded his head.

“I-I’ve just noticed when I’ve visited you after your world tour. I wasn’t able to say it since there’s a lot going on my mind that time,” Tamotsu said and he was implicating about the letter Haruna had gave him and the news it brought.

“Oh…” Mami said knowing what he meant by that. The doctor only watched as the two suddenly had a saddened expression on their faces. He was sensing that something might have happened before but instead of inquiring what it was, he just decided to continue with his physical assessment on her, feeling that he might be stepping on something personal between the two.

“Okay then, let’s move on to your upper extremities. How are your hands?”

“Uhm, fine?” Mami answered unsurely. The doctor looked up from the brims of his glasses and watched Mami for a while.

“Is there any problems in your arm, Sasazaki-san?”

Mami was already getting overwhelmed with the questions and somehow, it triggers some memories that are still fresh and sensitive causing her to flinch most of the time. She couldn’t help it and all she wanted to do now is to get over it quickly.

To make things fast, she thought of raising her arms and moving it, showing that the doctor that there was no problem in her arms.

“There’s no problem at all,” She said and brought down her hands back to her lap.

“Hmm, how about your shoulder?”

“It’s fi-“ Mami was about to answer that it was fine but just like on cue, she felt the familiar sting on her right shoulder and she instantly brought her left hand clutching it.

The doctor raised his brow once more and watched as Mami winced at the pain and then composing herself once more in front of the doctor.

“Sorry about that. I’ve been having these shoulder pains since I could remember. The guitars we’re playing are really heavy so I got sore shoulders most of the time,” Mami explained, not thinking of any significance on her shoulder pain.

"Did you fracture your shoulder before?” The doctor’s voice suddenly deepened. Mami could tell that his brain must be working in an overdrive right now as she looked into the daze-filled eyes of the doctor.

“I had a fracture a few years ago after I’ve fell on one of the stages during our rehearsals but it was not that serious and I was able to get back on holding my guitar after a few weeks of rest and therapy,” She said.

The doctor looked at her quizzically before standing up and taking a look on the radiographs in the white board. The two watched him curiously until he suddenly leaned closer to one of the radiographs and then hastily looked back at Mami.

“I think we need to scan your shoulder, Sasazaki-san,” The doctor informed her. The two looked confused for a moment. Mami and Tamotsu looked at each other wearily at first and was about to ask what was the problem but the doctor answered their unspoken question already.

“The pain on your shoulder might not be actually caused by those heavy guitars.”

~*~*~

Everything happened so fast after that. Mami found herself doing tests that day including the scan on her shoulder and arm and another one to her spine. The doctor also asked her to do some tests on her blood which she practically wasn’t looking forward to as they’ve stuck a needle to her arm and drawing a thick red liquid. She cringed from the pain and tried not to look as they’ve done the procedure.

The results came out instantly after that and the doctor was scrutinizing every lab and radiographic result.

“Dr. Hirayama, what’s wrong with Mami?” Tamotsu, who was patiently waiting there as they’ve done the procedures to Mami , finally asked when all the anxiety he was feeling was too much for him to handle already.

Mami felt it too but she knew that this type of thing could take time.

The doctor finally looked up from the results and let out a sigh from his lips.

“On what I would tell you right now is still inconclusive. With the new found result we had, I have narrowed down the diseases into a few but one stands out.”

“What is it?” Mami finally spoke and was unsure on what is happening right now. “Can you just tell me what’s wrong already?”

The doctor’s lips tightened into a line and then he suddenly removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his, thinking how could he explain this to her.

“From the CT scan we’ve just performed on your shoulder, a part of your shoulder blade was dissolving.”

Mami and Tamotsu were taken aback. “Dissolving?” Mami heard herself asked, dumbfounded. She came there trying to know what’s wrong with her spine but now, the doctor seemed to be throwing her out of edge as he was telling her a completely different thing.

“I don’t follow you, doctor. We’re talking about my spine here but now my shoulder?” Mami said. The doctor only stood up and took another radiograph they’ve done that day on her spine. He switched something on the side of the board and it lit showing Mami’s spine.

“It has a huge significance, Sasazaki-san, because whatever was happening to your shoulder was also happening on your spine.” Mami held her breath at that point. The news was too much for her brain to handle and somehow, it rendered her frozen.

“You mean…” It was Tamotsu who suddenly spoke but his voice sounded like it didn’t come from him.

“…her spine is dissolving too…?” He asked incredulously.

The doctor nodded his head as he watched the two tried to comprehend what he had just said.

“What is that?” Tamotsu once again asked.

“The cause of it is still unknown. This disease was so rare that only a few cases were recorded. I, myself, have not encountered one.”

“You…haven’t?” Tamotsu asked.

“Yes. That’s how rare this disease is.” The doctor sat back to his chair before continuing his explanation.

“Sasazaki-san, normally, old bone cells are replaced by new bone cells over time, but in your case, there aren’t enough new bone cells to replace your old ones. This causes the wearing out or thinning of your bone. It turned the bones into a fibrous tissue or softening the bone until it weakens. This may cause holes and it could worsen.” The doctor paused and let the two think about what he just said. After a moment of silence, the doctor took it as a sign to explain more.

“We called this disease as Massive Osteolysis, meaning extensive bone loss. It was more commonly known as Gorham’s disease. For people who are not in the medical field, it was known as Vanishing Bone Disease.”

“That’s a big- name.” Mami found herself saying before she could think about it. She let out an empty chuckle but her face showed that she was not amused on what she was hearing. Who would be if you were diagnosed with that kind of disease? Just the word vanishing sounds like a joke but with the serious face Dr. Hirayama was making, it sounds really intimidating.

“Sad to say, but this disease is real, Sasazaki-san.” The doctor’s face fell for a second. “If we don’t do something about it now, paralysis of extremities will happened and we might not be able to reverse it.”

“What? Paralysis?” Mami’s voice suddenly rose.

“Yes. Since the affected area was your spine, everything below the affected bone will have problem in functioning.  You might not be noticing it now but from what you have said, your lower extremities were already losing their function. Neurological involvement will worsen over time.”

“Wait, I’m sorry, but this is too much for me to handle.” Mami suddenly stood up and walked away from the doctor and started pacing the room.

“It’s okay. Take your time,” The doctor only said and watched as Mami ran her hand to her blonde hair, messing it for a bit. She suddenly perked up and slowly looked at the hand that she just combed her hair with. Her face has somehow paled and her eyes were unfocused.

“Mami?” The worried tone of Tamotsu brought back Mami from the depths of her mind and she slowly went back to sit at her chair.

“I- I have a question,” She said and felt dried up.

“What is it?” The doctor said.

“You’ve said that it could cause paralysis below the affected bone,” The doctor nodded his head.

“I-Is my upper extremities affected?” She asked with so much anxiety. The doctor saw her discomfort and it was then that he remembered what she had said before. Of course, she was a lead guitarist of a band before. He thought and looked at Mami with pity.

“I’m afraid to say this but yes. The affected bone is high up and so your upper extremities are affected.” Mami then held her breathe. “W-When do you think that this disease started?” She asked, her voice coming to a whisper.

“It started when you have fractured your shoulder, one of the signs and symptoms of this disease. It is the type that progresses on other bones. I have concluded that it originates from your shoulder blades and then it progresses to your spine and slowly, causing neurological problems.”

 It was then that her mind started piecing everything together. No…She said to herself and looked at her right hand, now visibly shaking. She doesn’t know if it was due to the realization she had just concluded up or the disease itself that was causing it but she knew that one of her most sought questions was finally answered.

“W-What should I do to treat this?” Mami asked with a small voice. She touched her right hand and thought back on how much she had relied on that hand throughout her career. Dread took over her as it dawned on her the potential of this disease.

The doctor considered her for a moment before clearing the lump on his throat.

“There’s no cure for this disease as of now, however, we have treatments that will slow the progress and prevent it from getting worse. It would include therapies, medicines, radiation and surgery. In your condition, we need an aggressive intervention as soon as we concluded the best way to treat you, we would start on it right away. With that said, I would suggest that you get admitted to the hospital as soon as possible.”

Mami felt the tension in the room. She felt her brother sinking deeper on his seat and her, she felt herself denying everything she just have heard. Life seeped out of her and that was when the most dreaded of all questions popped into her mind.

“The prognosis of this disease…What are my prospects with this disease?” She asked.

The doctor felt himself aged more, and slowly, he let out a heavy sigh.

“I’m going to be true with you, Mami. Right now, since it involved a vital part of your body, death is inevitable.”

Tears started falling from Mami’s eyes. It was too unreal to take that answer. It is too much for her. She felt lost and doesn’t know what step she should take next. She was so afraid to do anything; afraid that it would be the wrong one. Knowing that there’s a possibility that she’s going to die, the thoughts of not fighting it lingered to her mind as it tells her that the battle might be futile. It is a battle whose winner had already been decided.

We’ll wait for you, A voice rang on her head suddenly. Her thoughts drifted from her disease to the three girls who must be still waiting for her right now.

I can’t. I have a promise to keep. She told herself as the faces of her friends flashed into her memory. I’ve done too much hurt to them already. I’ve promised them that I will return. She said and felt courage started seeping back to her heart.

“But that doesn’t mean that I will, right? I have the chance to live as long as I fight, is it that the case here, doctor?” She asked which startled Tamotsu and the doctor. She seemed to be losing it for a minute there but then a newfound determination was suddenly emitting through her.

“Yes. A chance to fight it is still there,” The doctor only said.

“Well then, I’ll take that chance.” Mami concluded and then stood up suddenly from her chair while Tamotsu gingerly did so too.

“I’ll be looking forward working to you, Dr. Hirayama. Please take care of me,” She said before bowing in respect. The doctor looked at her incredulously for a moment but shrugged it and gently, he stood up from his seat too and returned the bow to her.

“I’ll do my best. You can count on that,” The doctor told her.

Mami felt herself smiling.

Oh, boy. I’m in for very difficult battle then.

She thought but her courage was never been faltering. She knew that if she let it all in her mind, she would end up being the fragile woman she saw a while ago. Alive but not really living.