Chapter 11

“The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.”

Two weeks and three days…Mami thought as her hands glide on the neck of her guitar with a much complicated riffs she was practicing just two days ago.

A few more and I’ll be able to pull it through, she thought and let herself be lost on the notes and rhythm that she was playing.

Four hours…that’s how long it took her to finally perfected one of their oldest songs. It was frustrating and aggravatingly painful but once she was done, she felt fulfillment and happiness.

Four more songs…Follow ups on Dr. Hirayama…Therapies with Hiromi…Rehearsals everyday…It seemed endless work but it was better than nothing. Just the thought of it might be bewildering but to Mami it was a challenge she could take.

Her thoughts were too deep at counting the things she still need to do and the time left that she must accomplish them that she hadn’t notice that she was no longer alone in the room.

“Hey…”

A voice called out. Mami looked up with her glassy eyes and once she finally able to clearly see who just called her, she smiled and put the guitar back to its rack.

“Hi Naoki. What’s up?” She asked casually and saw that the woman was holding a plastic bag. She looked at it curiously until Naoki answered her unspoken question.

“It’s 9:30pm already. Aren’t you hungry?” She asked and finally deposited the inside of the plastic to a nearby table. Mami limped to where Naoki is and saw that she actually brought her dinner in the studio. She lost track of time and now that the food was right in front of her, she could actually feel the hunger seeping into her body. Mami smiled sheepishly to Naoki and sat down while Naoki neatly placed the food in front of her.

“Thanks for the food. I wouldn’t notice that it was actually that late if you didn’t come in,” She said before taking a first bite to her dinner. It was warm and completely satisfying. She couldn’t thank Naoki enough to take care of her even on late nights.

“I won’t let you starve to death. Besides, you should be resting,” Naoki told her and started cleaning up the room while Mami ate her dinner.

“There are still a few songs that I can’t do. I want to perfect them or at least play them as decently as I can once we perform at the Tokyo Dome.”

“I know that but still you must not push your body that much. You do a lot of things in a day so you should at least leave the nights to your rest. We don’t want you to be too exhausted for the actual event, right?” Naoki argued. Mami saw the point on it and for a few seconds, she stayed quiet contemplating on what she should prioritize first. With a lot of thinking and arguments inside of her, Mami let out a defeated sigh and nodded her head to Naoki.

“You’re right. After I’m finished eating, I’ll go home,” she said and that made the older woman smile.

“Good,” she responded and waited until Mami finished her meal.

Once she was done, they both made their way to the parking lot. Naoki’s car was still the same one she was using when she started working with Mami. It was nice and brought back a lot of memories from when Mami was still healthy but sometimes, sadness would creep on Mami. She would shrug it out and not let it be seen by Naoki. She hid those feelings in a tight smile or fidgeting on the radio asking the older woman if what genre should they listened to that time and it seemed to have worked. Naoki never noticed it and Mami could still enjoy the ride on Naoki’s car.

It was a nice drive that night. Mami could think of a lot of things but her body says otherwise. Her exhaustion from the weeks they’ve been practicing was getting too much but still, she wanted to fight. For her nothing could stop her right now. She was happy that she could play her guitar again and that she could share the stage with her band mates and the crews from their team. The adrenaline that was seeping into her is what she really needed from all the stresses her life has been for the last months that passed and she wouldn’t wish for anything better.

With that thought, she didn’t notice again that they were finally at her house and Naoki was softly calling her name.

“Mami, you seemed to be always out of it these days…” Naoki asked but a knowing smile was shown on her face.

Embarrassed, she only returned the smile at her and blamed her tiredness for spacing out. Naoki knew better though because once, Mami voiced her thoughts out to her without meaning to.

Naoki only nodded her head and said goodnight to Mami before leaving once she knew that Mami was safe inside her house.

It was quiet in the house and she knew that her parents might have gone back to their province to settle some things when they’ve just up and leave everything just to live in Tokyo with Mami. She was alone for tonight but knew it wouldn’t be long when the doorbell rang and just outside was Haruna, standing with a small backpack.

“Hey, Mami. Is it okay for me to sleep here tonight?” Haruna asked but Mami knew that it was already arranged by her and Mami’s parents that she almost rolled her eyes to Haruna’s question.

“With that ice cream your holding, do you think I could throw you out?” Mami joked but still step out of the way and let Haruna in the house.

“Vanilla flavored ice cream. I hope you don’t mind the plainness of it but it is still the best,” Haruna told her while she dropped her bag to the couch before going straight to the kitchen to serve the dessert.

“It’s okay as long as it’s ice cream,” Mami answered and watched as the vocalist filled up two glasses with ice cream and passing one to her.

“Thanks but don’t you think it’s already late for dessert?” She asked.

“Who stopped Tomomi from eating cookies at 3am in the morning?” Haruna cheekily asked that brought the guitarist to a chuckle.

“True,” She said and motioned for them to get back to the living room.

“You know you shouldn’t bother yourself coming here just to stay with me when my parents are gone. I’m already an adult but I felt like you’re all babysitting me,” Mami said after a while –meaning to sound that she was joking – but it still came out like she was complaining. She knew why she couldn’t be left alone all the time. With her condition, she needed assistance with some of her activities but Mami was too stubborn to admit to it. If it was not Haruna, it was Rina, or Tomomi or even Naoki who will stay with her when she was left alone. Mami knew that it was a lot of work and her friends have their own lives to take. She doesn’t want to take it away from them but still they insist.

“Not that one again. It’s our bonding time! Don’t think of it as babysitting,” Haruna muttered and shrug Mami’s protest so the guitarist only quieted down and just ate her ice cream in silence.

“Don’t feel bad, okay? We’re doing this together and besides, no one could pass on free food,” Haruna tried to lift the growing disposition between them and somehow managed to make Mami smile.

“Well that explains everything.” Mami chuckled and once again she just followed Haruna’s advice and thought of it as bonding time.

“Just a few more weeks. Are you excited?” She asked and saw the grin on their vocalist face knowing that she is.

“Yeah. I’m a bit nervous too but still excited. Definitely excited,” Haruna happily told her and she couldn’t ask for more. The fatigue in her face seemed to fade away and it left a dreamy look on her eyes.

“It would be awesome. I want fireworks and moving platforms in our stage,” Mami childishly voiced out but Haruna just let her be.

“Add some horses or puppies too. It would be fun.” Haruna chimed in.

“Are you turning our show to a zoo?” Mami asked but she just laughed it off and started planning for the most impossible stuff to be put on stage. It went on for another hour when suddenly, just suddenly, they went to a complete silent but the silence was comforting and right. Reminiscing on the things they’ve talked and what would actually happen. Small smiles left on their faces as they’ve stared at their empty glasses in their hands.

“I will miss all of this,” Mami finally said. Not meaning to voice it out but it was already out of . Haruna looked up from her glasses and watched Mami’s solemn face.

She knew what Mami meant because they’ve talked it out before even though it was only on a few times. They haven’t talked about it further but she knew that the time will come when they will finally talk about it –the future of the band after this big event.

Without hesitating, Haruna brought her hands to Mami’s and squeezed it comfortingly before giving her a smile.

“It’s already late. We should talk about that when we’re all in one room,” Haruna muttered and Mami agreed to her.

After washing their glasses, they’ve both said goodnight and went to their respected rooms to finally end their day.

Mami lie awake in her bed for a few minutes. 1:24am, she thought as she watched the clock tick.

2 weeks, 1 day and 22 hours…She sleepily calculated. The thought stuck on her head until her body finally succumbed to sleep.

~*~*~*~

For the next three days, the routine of the girls became hectic as ever. In between rehearsals, they also have the photo shoots and guesting to some shows to promote their upcoming concert. It was exhilarating but nonetheless they were able to pull it all off. The talks were light and happy. All the previous drama of their band was brought up in few talks but still they make it light as possible for them not to spoil all the excitement that was going on for their upcoming event. Having announced some health issues that Mami was having at those times, they didn’t put it on details and said that she is fine right now and definitely looking forward to finally see their fans again.

Those answers were accepted although the curiosity still hang in the air but the girls and staff didn’t give more information than they already did.

Mami on the other kept to her medications and therapies. She was scheduled to have a follow up with Dr. Hirayama that day and Mami was running late. She has tests to be done before meeting with Dr. Hirayama and looking at her time, she’ll be late with her follow up, again.

Huffing out, she stepped out of Naoki’s vehicle and as fast as her feet will allow her, she went to get her blood tests done again and after a long time, a repeat MRI which she was really scared of.

The nerves she was having that day – she kept on blaming the interviews that they’ll be having – was actually because of the MRI that she will undergo that day. The girls even her parents offered to go with her but she kept on insisting that she go alone until they finally yielded and let her go on her own. Not that they don’t care but Mami made sure that all of them will stick to their scheduled work and actually have work done while she talk to her doctor. It also became a routine already and if something happens, doctors and nurses are already there to help her out. Besides, Hiromi would be with her and she became a friend already.

Usually, Tamotsu would come with her but he also have responsibilities to the army and finally gone back a few months ago. She missed him but Tamotsu filled it up with constant phone call or text messages. He was the brother Mami could ever want.

Hiromi met Mami at the entrance of the hospital and led her to the hallway. Once everything was done and even the nerve-wracking MRI was completed, they’ve waited for the results to come out before finally entering the doctor’s clinic.

As usual, the doctor was buried on his readings when Hiromi and Mami came into his office. He looked up and directed a smile at both of them before putting the article down on his desk.

“Good afternoon, Mami, Hiromi.” He greeted and they’ve both returned it. Hiromi passed the results of the test and silently the doctor checked them out. He nods once in a while but said nothing to them which made Mami terribly anxious.

“So…” The doctor finally said and put the papers down to look at Mami.

“How are you?” He asked and smiled at the guitarist.

“I’m fine. I’m doing great on my therapies and right now I could play some riffs – if not perfectly – compared to before,” She told him and he only kept his smile to his face.

“Very good. Does your shoulder still hurt or any part of your body?” He asked again and Mami only confirmed that she still gets those once in a while.

“Any difficulty in breathing?” He asked.

“Sometimes but it was always because of the activities we’re doing.”

“I want you to be more careful than that. If you feel anything, tell Hiromi right after and so we could do the appropriate measures needed.”

“Okay,” Mami muttered and Hiromi noted on what the doctor said.

“About your results,” finally the doctor said and looked back to the papers once again before continuing.

“No change happened on your blood results –which is good, but…” It was such a downer when the doctor always says that. Mami was hopeful and happy with the first news but maybe she let her hopes up to early. She didn’t show it on her face and kept listening to what the doctor have to say.

“…the MRI showed a progression of the disease to your spine,” The doctor pointed and looked at Mami.

Mami looked nervous and couldn’t breathe for a moment. She felt fine – even with the usual symptoms of her disease, she felt fine, she was even improving even for a little on her daily activities but here she was, the doctor telling her that signs of progression of the disease was seen.

Her thoughts ran around – she did take her medications on time and kept to her therapies – so why it seemed that the disease was so stubborn.

“You might not feel anything but it is there. I’m sorry if I sound scary right now but I just want you to know and be fully prepared,” The doctor solemnly said. Mami nodded, knowing that the doctor was being honest to her.

“I know and I’m glad that you don’t feed me with lies,” she answered back and the doctor gave her a sympathetic smile.

“The medications slowed the disease down but we still need to do more. I would suggest radiation therapy again. If my memory was right, your big event will be just in a few days, right?” He asked.

“A week and five days to be exact,” Mami drily said and swallowed the growing heaviness she felt.

“Your condition is unpredictable, Mami. I’m surprised that only Hiromi is with you. Where are your parents or your brother?” Dr. Hirayama asked.

“They’re busy…and I let them do what they need to do. I don’t want them to be bothered anymore,” Mami shyly said. The doctor shook his head and wrote in a piece of paper.

“Mami, you should have someone always with you. We cannot say how fast this disease can be. I don’t want you to be on your own. The complications might just come and I want you to be more guarded,” He said and Mami agreed. She knew that the doctor was right and that she should be more careful.

“Is it alright if we start the radiation therapy tomorrow? Maybe you could ask for a day off,” He asked and watched as Mami thought of something.

“I could come tomorrow. I’ll just leave some hours to rest,” She said and the doctor nodded. He kept writing and adjusting some of her medications before finally letting her out.

Once they were out of the clinic, Hiromi finally talked and asked Mami of her plan.

“I don’t know yet. I’ll do the radiation tomorrow. Maybe we could skip my rehab tomorrow if it’s okay with you?” She asked Hiromi.

“Of course!  That is more important. We should also tell the others so they could adjust the time,” Hiromi suggested in which Mami frowned. “What?” The nurse asked not liking the way Mami looks.

“Sorry…I can’t help it. I know I needed to tell them but knowing I will cause delay again is so much.” Mami sighed in defeat. The event is coming nearer and on what the doctor said, she was feeling a burden once again.

“Hey, don’t say that. This is about your health. You should worry more about that,” Hiromi pointed out and Mami nodded to her.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, it’s just I caused enough trouble to them…”She started but Hiromi only shook her head.

“You didn’t wish to be in this situation. No one wished to be in this situation but it is there. We can’t just always stay at why we are in this and that we need to fight it as much as we can. We’re all here to help and you should stop thinking about us. You should start thinking about yourself. This is for a long time event for yourself and I know that all of us, your family and friends, want you to choose what’s best for you.” Hiromi stopped Mami from walking and looked her directly in the eye.

“If you don’t think about yourself…there’s nothing to be think about. You’ll make us worry, Mami,” Hiromi stated the truth and it felt scary for Mami. Again, she was right. Why does Mami kept on deciding on the wrong things. She was frustrated about herself but most of all the way she made everyone worry about her instead of assuring them that she’s doing everything she can to fight the disease.

Apparently, she wasn’t and that scares her most. For a moment, blinded by the brightness of her dream, she thought she could be as independent as she can allow herself to be but sometimes, sacrifices must be done and being dependent for now will greatly help her than her stubbornly push the help the others were giving her.

Seeing the defeated and also realization in Mami’s eyes, Hiromi patted her shoulders and pulled her out of the hospital.

“We should hurry up so we could plan everything,” Hiromi told the guitarist and Mami only agreed; glad that she has someone to talk sense at her.

~*~*~*~

Exactly five days before the event. Haruna, Tomomi, Rina and Mami’s father found themselves running through the hallway of the hospital.

It was a routine physical therapy of Mami that day and her mother and Hiromi were with her when it happened. And as unexpected as it was, Mami had an attack.

A complication…from what they’ve heard from Mami’s mother in between her crack voice.

Something that is serious. Something that needed to be dealt with immediately.

They’ve all filed in a room that was supposed to be Mami’s after another procedure was being done to her. With the tension in the air, Rina finally asked what happened and Mami’s mother supplied them what they wanted to know.

“They knew she was having difficulty in breathing and it was increasing these past few days even a week, I think. Her medications were adding up and they said that they will try to deal with it with medications and other therapies before doing a surgery but it happened so fast even with the precautions. It didn’t show in her previous x-rays so it was rapid. She was doing her routine exercises when it came unbearable for her to breathe. They’ve stabilized her after a few minutes but the doctor said that they couldn’t let it get worse. Fluid started to accumulate in the surroundings of Mami’s lungs…and that it pushes her lungs…making it difficult for her to breathe…”Mami’s mother took a huge breathe.

“She was just fine and then…she was gasping for air…” Mami’s mother shuddered on the image of her daughter gasping. Her father instantly hugged the distressed woman and told her that everything’s fine and that Mami’s having the treatment she needed.

“…How could that be possible,” Tomomi shakily asked.

“I mean, if it was her spine, then another neurologic problem should occur but accumulating fluid?” She asked confusingly. She couldn’t understand. None of them could since they don’t know much but then the look on Mami’s parents says that they knew something they don’t.

“She didn’t tell you?” Her father asked and the three of them looked at them confusingly.

“She told us that it was progressing…” Rina supplemented but then stopped.

“She didn’t tell you where?” At this point the three of them looked horrified. They don’t know anything and that they assumed that it was her spine again.

“No. Was it not her spine?” Mami’s parents looked at each other and with a silent agreement, they’ve looked back at the three confused woman before telling them what they didn’t know.

“It progresses on her chest. Her ribs are affected…although it was seen early, how fast it progresses was the question. Thus all the precautions being done,” Mami’s father said and at that point they understood. Mami didn’t tell them. For what reason, they couldn’t fathom and only Mami could answer it.

They were mad at her for not telling them an important fact but they also couldn’t because they were much worried about her than everything else.

It took two hours after that when the doctor finally came and explained what they have done and that he was glad that her heart didn’t developed whatever happened to her lungs and that they were able to treat it immediately. Dr. Hirayama looked at Mami’s friends and gave a saddened smile after telling them that she would need to be admitted to the hospital for observation. Not really telling them the impending problem but they were extremely glad that Mami’s okay that they forgot about a certain event.

Another two hours passed when they finally can transfer Mami to her room. They were all anxiously waiting with a few words passing them all. Time seems to be cruel to them.

~*~*~*~

Tubes…Tubes were inserted to Mami again. A tube to her chest that drains to a bottle just below her bed kept the whitish-looking fluid from compressing her lungs again.

Mami was asleep when they’ve brought her back and that oxygen support was kept on her. The three women wants to ask her why she kept it a secret but the answer could wait and that they were glad that she was okay.

They’ve waited again for what seemingly long hours when finally, Mami steered and groaned signaling them that she was awake.

“Sweetie, hey…How are you feeling?” Mami’s mother asked softly while combing Mami’s hair with her fingers.

“It…hurts…” Mami muttered but they’ve heard it.

“I know. The doctor said that they’ll be giving you some pain relievers but you’re alright now,” Her mother said. Mami weakly nodded her head and tried to breathe normally but it hurts too much that she limited the movement of her chest as she can. She looked around to see the worried looks from her friends and her parents but she couldn’t utter a proper sentence to reassure them until the nurse gave her pain medications. She didn’t wait long since the nurse came and injected a medication which is also painful to her veins but soon after, the pain in her chest started to dim. In an hour she could finally talk but she was still too weak.

Mami’s parents left after making sure that their daughter is okay to prepare for their stay for the night and left Mami with her band mates.

They were silent and only giving encouraging statements to Mami but she knew they wanted to ask her something. Feeling that she will be okay to finally say a lengthy sentence, she finally cracked the question.

“Do you have anything to ask me? I’ll be willing to answer them right now,” She said but they looked only uncertain at each other. She pushed them to saying it and finally they did and she shouldn’t be surprise on what they’ve asked.

“Why did you keep it a secret? Why didn’t you say that it progressed in another part of your body?” It was Haruna who asked and her voice filled with sadness and a bit angry too but she kept it down.

“Because whatever part of my body it progressed, it doesn’t matter. It still destroys a part of my bone and the only difference would be the symptoms and complication…”

“But you should have told us!” Tomomi found herself raising her voice. Trying to contain it all, she lowered her head and her voice whispering, “You should have at least tell us.”

Mami weakly smile at her and nodded her head, “It was stupid of me to not tell you but when I was there and in front of you all…I’ve chickened out in telling everything. I feel vulnerable…I just couldn’t tell you,” She murmured and watched as three eyes looked at her with hopelessness.

“It was something I thought I should deal with. I’m sorry for not telling you all,” She added and the three finally softened up.

“It’s okay. It just caught us off guard,” Haruna told her and Mami was grateful for them.

“I think I’ll sleep for a bit. I’m rather tired,” Mami muttered before closing her eyes.

“Sure…” She heard them said but she was already in between consciousness and unconsciousness.

Four days…

She internally said…

I’m sorry…

How many times did she had already said those words but somehow she kept doing something that she needed to say it again and again.

No time…

She told herself but somehow, it felt nothing. Mami couldn’t blame herself. It seemed that she was too tired for everything else.

But then the answer came to her before she was finally consumed by the darkness.

Mami already knew that she might not make it. By the time Dr. Hirayama said to her that it was on her chest now, she knew, even if she was in denial, the possibility that she can’t make it.

Mami accepted it a few days ago when she finally talked about her withdrawal to the band. In that moment, she already accepted that it might not be really her last concert.

Her time was already up when she was told that she was suffering in such incurable disease. She might have fought for it but finally, she knew…she should accept it.

And accept it completely, she had. Mami found her peace. It was regretful after all the things said and done but it gave the needed peace to herself.

The only thing that she hoped is that her family and friends will finally accept it too.

A different countdown started…A different conclusion to what they’ve thought of…

Three days, twenty two hours….