Chapter 4

“Choices are hinges of destiny.”

                                                                                                                                                                -Phythagoras

Never would Mami have imagined being in a situation like this. Fear crept into her as she finds herself not able to breathe. She clawed the air around her or was it water? She thought. This place, wherever she is, was dark, cold and lonely. She flailed her arms, confused on what direction she must go.

Her breathe was running out and panic sets in. In a nick of time, she saw the stray of lights radiating the ripples of water. She began trashing her head and body to get to the light but it seems like there was something holding her down, like a chain was bounding her and sinking her further to the darkness.

Somebody! Help! She pleaded inside her but salvation was not in sight. Her lungs started burning up. She could feel her body tensing and she have the urged to open but she clamped it with her hands, afraid that a small mistake like that will kill her. Her willpower to survive began to dwindle as she got lightheaded with the lack of oxygen. Her body fights for control over her weak mind and it won over her. With the last attempt to keep her alive, she opened involuntarily and she instinctively inhaled but it was a grave mistake and at that point, she knew she will never get out of there.

Water started rushing inside and into her already-deprived lungs. She reach out again for the surface but as the last oxygen she have in was replaced by water, her flailing arms started falling to her side and her mind started to slip. She felt herself sinking more and more to this dark, cold water and there’s no one there to help her. The light overhead started getting smaller until all she could see was the fading rays it left.

Somebody—with one final attempt, she weakly called out before the darkness consumed her.

--

Mami woke up with a start after that. She flung her blanket away from her and bolted upright, grasping her chest and taking big breaths of air. Beads of cold sweat ran down from her forehead to her face.  She looked around her, disoriented, and finds herself back to her room.

She sighed heavily and held her head between her head trying to forget what she just dreamt about.

Same dream. She said more to herself than to others.

It was the same dream that kept her awake for months now. Before, she can’t even remember the dream but slowly like a seed growing inside her head, the dream became more vivid and it scared the wits out of her. She sat motionless on the edge of her bed trying to compose herself. She took deep breathes and shut her eyes close, focusing on her pounding heart to slow down.

She sat there like that for a couple of minutes before she noticed that there was something off. With her vision blocked, her other senses had heightened and she could discern an unfamiliar smell that was creeping in the air. She sniffed a little and was trying to think what gave it off. She got up from her bed and walked towards her door and only be overwhelmed with a delicious smell once she had opened it.

watered instantly and her stomach growled from the smell. Is that bacon and coffee? She asked herself and hurriedly went down the stairs to see if her guess was correct. Once she reached the door to her kitchen, the sound and smell of sizzling meat greeted her and she saw her brother standing at the stove holding a pair of tongs and the frying pan.

She was dazed for a moment and thought that she was still dreaming or she was in a wrong house. Then she remembered that her brother came the night before and stayed overnight. She almost slapped herself for forgetting but then, another thought came to her that left her dumbfounded.

Sensing that there was someone looking at him, Tamotsu looked at his side to see an unkempt Mami staring disbelievingly at him.

“Good morning, Sis.” He greeted with a flash of his white teeth to his sister. Mami, on the other hand, just stood there with her jaw hanging.

“Do you want me to spoon feed you now?” Tamotsu playfully asked which made Mami snapped from her daze and shut her jaw rapidly.

“You…can cook?” She asked incredulously that made Tamotsu burst into laughter.

“Well I just got here and saw the bacon cooking by itself. Isn’t it amazing?” He said in a fake excitement earning him a glare from Mami.

“Yeah. And the coffee maker just magically by itself.” Mami threw her hands in exaggeration as she sarcastically said it with annoyance in her voice. Tamotsu laughed even harder that brought tears to his eyes. Mami’s glare turned more deadly to her brother but Tamotsu didn’t even bother to stop laughing.

“By the way, your bacon’s burning.” Mami muttered snobbishly before turning her back to her brother.

“Oh crap!” Tamotsu yelled and flipped the bacon just in time.

“I’ll call you when breakfast is ready!” Mami heard her brother yell at her from the kitchen and she answered lazily to him.

“Yeah! And don’t mess with my kitchen!” Mami yelled back before going to her room and tidying herself up.

It didn’t take long for Mami to take a bath and get dressed. When she went to the dining table, she saw her brother adding the last dishes of their breakfast on the table before turning towards her.

“Good. No need for me to yell.” He smiled at her and motioned for her to sit. Mami felt the grumbling of her stomach as she stared at the feast her brother had prepared. In front of her was a plate of omurice with a ketchup-drawn guitar at the middle, the bacons she saw him cooking awhile ago, a bowl of green salad mixed with vinaigrette, freshly baked garlic bread and a cup of coffee on the side.

“Wow. That’s a lot. Can we finish this all?” She asked him while thinking what to eat first.

“I’ve heard you’re not eating properly during breakfast so I made it myself to serve you the needed nutrients your body need.” Tamotsu explained which made Mami raise her eyebrows to him.

“Ooh…I didn’t know you’re a health junky.” She whispered before sitting down.

“Hey, gotta love our body.” He only said and sat across from her.

“Dig in. I don’t want any leftovers, okay?” He added before taking his chopsticks.

“Let’s just see.” Mami muttered, feeling that maybe she could eat it all with all the activity her stomach was doing.

“Itadakimasu!” They’ve both said and started eating the food Tamotsu prepared.

Mami was delighted with the taste and she couldn’t believe that her brother could be an excellent chef. She was about to ask when did he learn how to cook but she was too busy munching the delectable food in front of her.

“Is it good?” Mami looked up to her brother and saw that he barely touched his food yet.

“It’s delicious. When did you learn to cook?” She asked after managing to swallow the food in .

“On the camp. I’ve got a good friend who is a chef. He taught me a lot when I was assigned to kitchen works.” He said, delighted that his sister liked his cooking. He then started eating his share.

After that, they’ve talked about Tamotsu’s stay on the army. Tamotsu let his sister know what they were doing and the different missions he had been. He told his story with discretion as he doesn’t want to scare his sister but it seems that Mami was fascinated. Even if she denies it, Tamotsu could see the growing admiration of his sister to him and that made him smile.

The talk went on until they’ve finished eating and decided to go out to watch a movie or go shopping. They’ve changed their clothes and headed outside once they were ready. Mami made sure that she wouldn’t be recognized with the clothes she was wearing. She also brought her glasses and a scarf to her neck just in case she needed to cover her face. She put a cap on her bag too.

Once they’ve reached their destination, they’ve decided to walk first and just buy when something caught their eyes. They chatted as they walk in the busy streets and tried clothes in the shops they pass through.

“Since we’ve not seen each other for a long time, I’ll treat you whatever you want.” Tamotsu proudly told his sister as they walked. Mami was delighted at that thought and nudged at her brother’s arm before giving him a smirk which told him that he might regret what he just said.

“Ookaayy…I don’t like that look so I’ll just buy you one thing.” Tamotsu added and Mami’s face fell right away.

“No fair! You said you’ll treat me anything.” Mami sulked and pouted her lips but Tamotsu messed her hair and told her to start thinking what she really wanted and much as possible, what she really needed.
 

“Okay fine. I’ll pick the most expensive thing then.” She happily blurted out and started looking for that one thing that she really wanted. At first she thought of clothes and so they headed to different boutique but it seems like she couldn’t find the perfect clothes for her. After an hour or so of looking, Tamotsu suddenly got a great idea on what he could possibly buy for his sister that she will truly love.

“Come. I think I know what you would really want.” He happily said as he dragged his sister across the street and into another building.

“But the clothes are over there.” Mami said but let him drag her.

“Not clothes. Oh, I bet you’ll really like this.” He grinned and Mami couldn’t help but smile too. She was expectant on what was her brother thinks that she wants.

“We’re here. He said suddenly and looked excitedly at the store. Mami looked at his face first before looking at the store her brother was mentioning but once she saw what it was, her smile fell and a pained look crossed her face. Tamotsu didn’t notice because he was too busy looking inside the shop.

“Let’s go!” He said excitedly and pulled a reluctant Mami along.

“Welcome to Fender Music Store!” A staff called out as soon as they came in. Tamotsu only nodded as a sign of acknowledgement before dragging Mami again to the rows of guitar that was displayed there.

“Mami! Look! Maybe you should try a twin guitar.” He suggested as he held it for his sister to see.

“Uhm…sure. Maybe…someday.” Maybe…Mami thought quietly as she stared at the red twin neck guitar.

“How about a new pedal? Do you want one or is there something in your mind that you like?” Tamotsu asked, still not aware in the growing discomfort of Mami.

“Not really. I think my gears are enough already.” She said and pulled her scarf around her neck higher into her face.

“Really? Hmm, how about a set of new strings or straps? “

“Nii-san, I really don’t need anything from this shop right now. Let’s just go.” Mami replied unenthusiastically and that made Tamotsu frown. He bet that every musician would be delighted when they are in a place they were most comfortable of, and that is a music store.

 “Stop saying that. I’ll buy it so don’t worry about the cost.” Tamotsu said and Mami was about to reply but he turned his head and saw something that might make Mami change her mind.

“Oh! This! I bet you need this guitar maintenance kit.” Tamotsu motioned to where the kit was stored and looked at it expectantly.

“Nii-san…” Mami softly said while tugging Tamotsu’s arm but he was too busy looking at the accessories that he didn’t notice the urgency on her voice.

“Wait, I’ll ask the staff what brand would be better.”

“Nii-san…” Mami desperately called but her brother just kept on moving.

“Uhm, excuse me. Can you help us with this?” He called out to one of the staff in there and the staff went over to them and entertained Tamotsu’s questions.

“Nii-san…” Mami was getting impatient and she was restlessly looking around.

“Wait, Mami. He’s explaining how to-“

Nii-san!” Mami shouted when she couldn’t help it anymore. Tomatsu didn’t finish his sentence and looked at Mami in shock.

“I-I’m sorry. I feel lightheaded all of a sudden. I’ll wait for you outside.” Mami casted her eyes to the ground and walked towards the door not even looking back.

Tamotsu stood there and watched as his sister exited the shop hurriedly. The staff who was with him looked at the two in confusion. “Uhm, sir?” He asked cautiously but snapped Tamotsu from his daze.

“Oh, sorry. Thanks for helping me. I need to go for now.” Tamotsu gave an apologetic smile before walking out to Mami. He found her fidgeting at her nails with furrowed brows right outside the shop. Tamotsu walked towards her and once Mami saw him, he dropped her hands to her side and talked.

“Nii-san, I’m tired. Can we go home?” She asked. Tamotsu wondered what he did wrong to suddenly change her mood.

“Okay. Let’s go.” He let out and they’ve both took a taxi to go home.

It was a silent trip and no one dared to talk. Tamotsu was itching to ask Mami why she acted like that and most importantly, about the letter Haruna have sent him. As they were both lost on their thoughts, they didn’t realize that they were already at Mami’s apartment. They’ve got out the taxi and paid the driver before going in.

Mami was about to go to her room but Tamotsu called out to her before she could even get there.

“Mami, we need to talk.” He said and that stopped Mami from her tracks. She slowly turned and looked at her brother like she was guilty of doing something wrong.

“Okay…” She said in a small voice and sat down on the couch on her living room.

“What happened back there?” Tamotsu asked as soon as he sat on the couch too.

“I – It’s nothing. I’m just tired.” Mami told him but Tamotsu wasn’t satisfied. He sighed loudly and held out a ring and showed it to Mami. Mami frowned upon seeing the ring. For others, they would only see a ring but for her and her brother, it has a different meaning.

“Promise-me ring. You know what this one is for.” Tamotsu said to her. “Aren’t we too old for that? I mean, that was ages ago since we’ve used that.” Mami complained but Tamotsu didn’t listen to her.

“It’s our way to remind ourselves on what we have promised when we were children. I think it could still do us good even if we’re old.” Tamotsu gave her a lopsided grin and Mami rolled her eyes to him and took the ring and putting it on her finger.

“Okay. What is it that you require me to wear this again?” She asked annoyed but Tamotsu only shrugged it out.

“Promise me that you’ll be truthful and tell me what’s going on. And don’t think about sugar coating your words. I want to know the truth.” Tamotsu was serious and Mami could see that. She rubbed her temple and reluctantly nodded her head.

“Now, what really happened back at that store?” Tamotsu asked again and this time, Mami shifted on her seat uncomfortably.

“It’s…” She let out but it seems like she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. And then her eyes roamed around the ring, her eyes twitched and she bit her lower lip. She was silent for a few minutes and kept fidgeting at the hem of her shirt. Tamotsu noticed this and realized that whatever it is, it was hard for her to talk. Feeling that he was pushing her to her limit, he held her hand and looked at her eyes.

“It’s okay. If it’s too hard for you to tell, I won’t push it. I’ll wait until you’re ready.” He smiled and so did Mami. He tapped her head for awhile and was about to stand up when Mami pulled his arm. He looked at her conflicted face and tried to read what was going on her mind but he only sat back and waited for Mami to talk.

“Nii-san…I have something to tell you.” She started. Somehow, the words came out without her consent. She felt her heart weighted a ton in her chest as she prepared to tell her brother something she really hasn’t talked to anyone before.

“I’m quitting the band.” Her face was detached in any form of emotion. Her voice managed not to quiver but her eyes swam with endless sentiment.

Tamotsu’s jaw hardened and his eyes sharpened. He already knew that but hearing it directly on Mami made him realize that he was denying the fact before. It left a long minute of silence between them as Tamotsu let it all in.

He cast his eyes down and took a deep breath before responding to her statement.

“Why?” He asked.

“I just couldn’t do it anymore.” She looked straight ahead of her but her gaze was not fixed on a particular object. She was lost in her own thoughts.

Tamotsu looked more confused than before. “I still don’t get it. Why couldn’t you do it anymore?” He stammered.

Mami didn’t answer him right away. She shook her head like she was clearing her thoughts before looking at Tamotsu.

“I’m sorry. My priorities have changed,” She said in a low voice. “I don’t see myself as part of the band in the future.”

“I…don’t understand what you mean. Why would you have thoughts like that?” Tamotsu asked disbelievingly to her.

“You’ve worked so hard to get in this place but why are you suddenly quitting?” He added.

“I know but…I want to experience other things than being in a band life.” She said with an empty smile on her face. There’s a ring of truth in it but it’s as if there’s more to the story. Tamotsu was furious because of this.

“That doesn’t explain why you’re doing badly on your last tour.” Tamotsu said to her and that shocked Mami.

“How did you know…” She was about to asked but she was cut short by Tamotsu.

“It’s not important where I’ve got it. I want to know what happened.” Tamotsu told her with a stern voice.

Mami stared at him for a second and seeing that he’s serious and now glaring at her, she let out a sigh and looked at her right hand.

“I don’t know when it started,” She told him truthfully. “But I couldn’t hold my guitar anymore.” She then clenched her right into a fist and looked detesting at it. “I think I’ve got too tired of it already.”

“How could you get tired on something you love? You’ve also said that it is part of your life and you can’t go on if you can’t play your guitar!” Tamotsu exasperatedly asked.

“I know what I’ve said before! I still remember…” She shouted back and held her head between her hands like she was having an extreme headache.

“Don’t you think it doesn’t pain me to make this decision? What can I do? Somehow, I’ve reached my limit. I don’t have the strength to continue anymore.” She told him in between her cracked voice.

“Isn’t the reason, I couldn’t do this anymore, suffice? Because that’s really there is! I just can’t do it!” Mami added, now she was on the verge of tears. Tamotsu watched the pained look on his sister’s face and her trembling hand.

“Mami…” Tamotsu whispered and about to reach out for her but she stood up from her seat, avoiding his eyes from meeting hers.

“I know why you bring that up, Nii-san. You want to convince me not to quit, right? But I’m sorry. I’ve made my decision. And it is final.” She turned her back to him and walked only to pause at the bottom of the stairs and looked at her brother.

“I’m sorry to disappoint you.” She let out in a raspy voice before going to her room.

Tamotsu was left alone in the room to think. There are still a lot of questions in his mind but no one could answer it. He stayed there, sitting at the couch for who knows how many minutes or hours, brooding on what Mami have told him. His head started aching and so he leaned his head to the couch and closed his eyes for a moment.

He started thinking what he should do first but he couldn’t decide. He thought of going to Mami’s room and tries to talk to her again but he knows it will not do well. When Mami sets her mind into something, no one, even Tamotsu could change it. Mami has always been like that ever since they were children.

With nothing left to do, he fished out his phone to his pocket and looked at the one number he was dreading to call right now but he knows he have too. He sat up straight and took a deep breath before pressing the call button on the phone and waited for the other person to answer.

“Hello?”

“Haruna-san, this is Sasazaki Tamotsu. Is it okay for us to talk?” He asked politely and he could hear the shuffling of papers and stuff on the background.

“Sasazaki-san! Of course. So you have received my letter?” Tamotsu could hear how hopeful she is and he hates it that he couldn’t deliver what she had asked of him.

“Yes.  Thank you for telling me. I didn’t know that my sister was having trouble all this time.” Tamotsu said in the other line.

“It’s okay. I’m really worried about her. So how is she?” Haruna asked him. Tamotsu let out a sigh and ran his hand to his hair, preparing to tell her the bad news.

”I’m sorry, Haruna. I couldn’t change her mind.” There was a long silence after that. Tamotsu thought that Haruna hanged up on him but then he heard her let out the breath she was holding in.

“Sokka...” He heard her whisper. There was silence again and this time Tamotsu was the one who broke it.

”Haruna-san?” He asked stirring her from her thoughts.

“Sorry. I was thinking.” She sounded broken for him and he wished he could do something about it.

“It’s okay. Her decision is surprising but I know Mami would get around it. She just…” Tamotsu thought for a moment what could have happened to Mami.

“…She just lost her inspiration.” He finally said and he heard Haruna sighed again.

“Thank you for talking to her and even taking your time to call to tell me this” She said to him and Tamotsu muttered a welcome to her. Silence again took them. Tamotsu knows that Haruna needs time to think about this piece of information so he let a few seconds for her to compose herself before talking again.

“What will you guys do now?” Tamotsu asked, concerned on the future of his sister’s band.

“I don’t know.” Haruna’s voice quivered at that point. Sadness and fear for the future took over her and her voice showed it all.

“I honestly don’t know.”