Chapter 9

“In misery, it is a great comfort to have a company.”

-JOHN LYLY, Eupheus

It was a warm feeling, something Mami couldn’t explain, that enveloped her whole body like someone had just welcomed her into its embrace. The wind picked up, brushing the soft tendrils of her hair, whistling past her ears softly. It was refreshing, as Mami thought, her eyes were still close feeling the gentle caressed of the wind. She eased her back to lie down in the summer grass and lifted her eyes parallel to the sky. The vast blue sky stretched out from her gaze, clouds drifting ever so slowly in front of her as birds fly high up in the sky. The world smelled like flowers and everything was so perfect for Mami.

God, that is so beautiful, Mami muttered as she stayed motionless on her spot. Time seemed to stop on her world as the sun stayed perched high up behind the clouds. Mami couldn’t imagine much more of a beautiful scene than this and all she wanted to do was to stay there…leaving every problem that she has into the unknown.

It was all she could feel…contentment and peace. There’s nothing more she could ever had wished for.

A smile played on her lips and ever so slowly, she closed her eyes again.

Mami…

Someone called out her name softly. Mami frowned knowing that she was alone in that place. Thinking that it was conjured only by her mind, she dismissed it and kept her eyes close.

Mami…

The voice this time seemed louder like the one who had whispered it was just beside her ear. She abruptly opened her eyes only to be greeted with the blue sky. Mami sat up from her position and looked around her but there’s no one in sight.

“Weird…” She whispered and thought that she must be losing her mind but there it was again. The voice called out her name once more, but this time around, it sounded sad…Longing, in fact.

Wake up, please…

It said. Mami looked up, feeling more confused than ever. “But I’m awake!” She shouted to the sky. It was an impulse that she couldn’t explain. She waited for a response but she was only answered with silence. A strong gush of wind then blew past her making her cover her face with her hands.

Don’t run away! You need to come back!

The voice sounded angry. Mami should have felt fear to whoever said that but all she felt was a sudden pity on the person. It sounded hurt about something.

“I can’t…” Mami suddenly said which surprise her. Her hands still in front of her face, her eyes were shut as the wind blew even stronger.

Why?

The voice asked and this time, Mami felt hot tears spilled on her flawless cheeks.

“…It…hurts…” She whispered. Mami doesn’t know what she meant but somehow, a part of her understands.

“It hurts so bad,” She declared.

The wind slowed down but Mami kept her eyes shut.

“I’m sorry…” Now the voice sounded so real but what made Mami stunned was that she recognized the voice. It was impossible for her to hear that voice. Slowly, she opened her eyes, afraid on what she will be seeing but it still didn’t prepare her to see who it was.

Right in front of her was her. Well, it looked like her. The woman in front of her have the same features of Mami. Her eyes, her nose and lips, the contour of her body; it was like she was looking at a mirror but it’s just that there’s something wrong with that mirror. The one reflecting in front of her looked so different on what she had imagined herself. Her hair was blonde but the girl has a black, cropped hair. The woman’s skin pale like a sheet, her eyes were sunken and emitting a weak aura. The woman was thin and it seemed like she have troubled standing up.

“Y-You…it can’t be…” Mami pointed her fingers to the woman but the woman only stared at her with so much pain.

“You can’t stay here. Not yet. It is too early,” The woman whispered tiredly.

“W-Who are you?!” She asked incredulously. The woman only smirked but not with amusement but more of a disappointment. Slowly, she lifted her shaking hands and held the shoulders of the blonde Mami before leaning over to her face.

Mami now could clearly see the burning gaze of the woman. She was trying to tell her something in between their eyes but Mami was still as confused as ever.

“You can’t run in a fight now. Remember…”

Remember…Mami repeated on her mind and slowly, her body felt weak. Her hands lay limped on her side as her feet seemed to collapse beneath her.

“I’m sorry,” The woman whispered once more. Mami doesn’t understand what she meant but the woman only brought her arms around her neck and hugged her.

“I know it’s painful and I’m sorry that you are suffering from this, but you must remember, because I am you. I am the sick you. You can’t just forget about me, it’s too lonely already that I couldn’t take it anymore,” The woman said grimly.

“I need you…to fulfill my promise. I can’t do it with just me, please…remember, and come back…” Mami felt the pain the woman was carrying. The more the woman held her, the more she had the urge to help her.

“I will…I’ll come back,” She said slowly like in a trance. The woman’s hand slowly loosened its grip and now staring back at Mami’s eyes. An empty grin held her pale face but she seemed to be satisfied with her answer.

“Close your eyes,” She whispered which Mami did.

“Relax. I know it is painful that you wish it was not the case but this is how we are now. We cannot give up yet. There’s still more to be done; relationships to be fixed; family and friends that we have to see…”The woman paused for a while. Her brows furrowed and her face showed sadness, “Things we have yet to do.”

Mami somehow understood what she meant and slowly, she let her body relax under the hold of her other self.

There’s always a huge relief and happiness at the end of the tunnel of suffering…

The voice sounded far away now.

Don’t forget…Don’t forget me and what we still need to do…Once you wake up, everything will fall into places…

And with that, Mami was again engulfed with darkness. It didn’t take long as she felt a sensation around her body. Slowly, her eyes opened. The bright blue sky was gone now and it was replaced by a blank ceiling.

Her body was not that warm anymore. Her hands felt stiff and cold and the once fresh wind that caressed her body was replaced by the chilling atmosphere produced by the air conditioning. The world didn’t smell like flowers anymore. It was replaced by the sharp smell of disinfectant and medicinal alcohol that hung in the air.

In the darkness, Mami felt the heaviness of her body. Her body was in pain but she couldn’t utter a coherent sound as felt dry. Her mask, which appeared to be much bigger and complicated than the ones she used to wear, was so tight that she doesn’t know if it was put there to help her breathe or plainly there to suffocate her more.

She tried to lessen the pressure on her face by removing it but her arms felt like lead beside hers. Mami looked down only to see both of her arms having an IV tugging on her skin. She didn’t need to look where the tube was connected but all she knew, whatever was in the IV bottle was potent enough to feel the heavy flow of the fluid into her veins.

Mami’s eyes fluttered, trying to stay on her conscious state to figure out where she was. A sound of machine just close by pinged in rhythm with her heartbeat. She groaned behind her mask, trying to ask someone for help but there was no one inside the room.

It…hurts, She whispered, her head throbbed with a gnawing pain as if the pain in her body was not enough. Gingerly, she turned her head to the window only to see that it was still dark out. Fear struck her and she tried to move her body in response to it but as hard as she tried to move, her body won’t listen. Tears started rolling down her cheeks and there was no stopping it. Caused by fear of having no one around her or simply because of all the pain she was feeling, Mami simply doesn’t care on the reason and just let the tears rolled down her eyes.

Panic sets in and she could hear the machine kept pace to her increasing heart rate. It was then that the half-opened door slid revealing a woman in a scrub suit, hurriedly moving to turn on the lights and into Mami’s side.

“Everything’s fine, Sasazaki-san, I need you to calm down. You’re in the ICU right now,” The woman said, trying to comfort Mami the best she could but Mami seemed not able to calm down. The machine beeped even faster now and it started to drown the voice of the nurse. She looked side to side, trying to see something familiar but there was none. She started groaning again, this time getting louder and louder just like the deafening sound of the machine.

It hurts…It hurts… It hurts…It hurts…! She started screaming inside her head but the words won’t come out except for the incoherent sound she was making. The pain on her head was almost unbearable, her vision started to blur and her senses heightened. She heard the woman beside her shouted something as she held on to Mami. Set of footsteps were heard next and a man on a white coat came to her view saying something to Mami but she wasn’t able to get what he was saying. The man looked over to the woman, who walked over somewhere only to come back with a syringe on her hand.

She injected the contents of the syringe on Mami’s IV and it didn’t take long as the effect of the drug washing over Mami’s system. She quieted down and felt the grogginess enveloping her this time. The pain started to dim, her anxiety subsided but she was now semi-conscious.

The woman, who was her nurse, hovered above her. She was talking, telling her that she gave a medicine that will calm her down and ease any pain. The nurse reassured her for a couple more before the man in a white robe came closer to her and checking her breathing. He positioned a device on her chest and started listening to her heartbeat and her breathing. After assessing her, he held her shoulder and smiled at her.

You’re going to be fine. You might be feeling sore right now but you must stay calm at all cost. Anxiety will just worsen your condition. The doctor’s words seemed to be echoing inside her head and it took her a minute to understand it fully.

Breathe easily. You are in the ICU right now. Once you have calmed down and the drug’s effect is gone, we’ll explain everything. For now, rest up. You need it, It was the nurse this time who had talked to her.

We’ll be telling your brother that you’ve finally awaken. The nurse added and then she took off, leaving the doctor and her alone.

It’s nice to have you back, Sasazaki-san. You’ve scared us for a minute there, He said but it was then that Mami’s consciousness started to slip again.

Before Mami could close her eyes again, dragging her back to somewhere deep down the realms of her brain, she saw her brother, wearing a medical gown, coming beside her. A worried look flashed on his face as he kissed Mami on her forehead before looking at her eyes.

You’re going to be okay. You’re going to be okay, Mami.

Mami doesn’t know if he was telling it in spite of her or convincing himself that she was going to be okay but the idea of her brother just being there was comforting enough that she had finally settled her worried mind and let the tug of her unconscious mind take her.

As she laid there with her eyes close, the warmth radiating from Tamotsu’s hands kept her at bay. She doesn’t recount on what had happened to her. The only thing she remembered was that the surgery was a success and she was back on her room recovering. After that, the events that might have led her in the ICU seems a blur to her mind but right now, as the doctor have said, she needed rest and she gratefully took the advice.

~*~*~*~

Tamotsu kept watch on the sleeping figure of Mami. Her once long, blonde hair was now replaced with a cropped, black hair. Her frame seemed smaller than it was a few months back and her eyes were sunken, tiredness in her feature showed in her face. Tamotsu touched the pale face of Mami and realized how cold it was. Tubes snaking all over her frail-looking body.

It has been three days since her condition suddenly turned to worst. Tamotsu had thought that the operation she had undergone was a success but it seemed like some complications have came up leading her to be in a deep sleep in that three days. He couldn’t help but get worried sick about his sister but there’s nothing more he could do than pray for her recovery.

“Sasazaki-san,” Hiromi, the nurse who was taking care of Mami that day, called out to Tamotsu. He looked up to her, finding Dr. Hirayama with him. He quickly stood up and greeted the doctor before moving aside to let the doctor check on Mami.

The doctor took a device and placed it on her ear before placing it on Mami’s chest. He looked at the monitor that was hooked on Mami and studied the numbers it showed. The doctor then looked at Tamotsu and gave a small bow to him before talking to him.

“She’s in a stable condition now but we still need to keep her on close monitoring to make sure everything is alright. The surgery was a success as I have told you but some complications of the disease has developed while she was recovering. We can’t tell what will happen next and right now we just need to continue with the planned management and change some of it right now. That’s the best thing we can do right now. Time is the essence on this one and this is one of those crucial times.” The doctor watched as Tamotsu nodded lifelessly on his statement. Dr. Hirayama sighed and slowly went to Tamotsu and brought a hand on his shoulder.

“We need you to be strong right now. Your sister needs you more than ever,” The doctor only said and squeezed his shoulder for comfort and left the room without another word to let the siblings have their time together.

 When the doctor left, Tamotsu sat back on his chair and stared quietly at his sister. Hiromi stayed a bit longer than the doctor and watched the two figures in front of her helplessly. There are no words she could say at that time that could make the older brother feel any better. Only time could tell on what fate Mami will have and right now, she was in between. It was a rare disease and the potential of that disease were still unknown but there were cases like hers that had have good prognosis and have a good life after the diagnosis of it but why Mami was responding to the treatment so poorly was still a great puzzle to the medical team.

She was almost asymptomatic when she had come to the hospital for the first time but somehow it just bloomed unexpectedly and one by one the symptoms and complications of the disease showed.

Hiromi sighed on the sideline and thinking that she wasn’t able to help anything at that moment, she decided to leave the two alone.

“Sir, if you need anything else, just call for me,” She genuinely said to Tamotsu which he only nodded. When she was about to leave the room, Tamotsu called her attention.

“Hiromi-san,” He started and the nurse turned her attention to Tamotsu again.

“Yes, sir?”

“Is it okay…To have three more people in here?” He asked cautiously and somehow that made her curiosity peaked.

“I’m sorry, sir. Only two persons at a time could get in here,” She said sympathetically. Hiromi knew that aside from Tamotsu, their parents also come to visit everyday but of course they visit two at a time since that is the policy inside the ICU to prevent overcrowding of patients. They followed it without a problem.

Tamotsu gave a slight smile and chuckled softly, “I thought I could get lucky to ask. Her friends will come over…and I know that they’ll want to see her at the same time,” He said softly. Tamotsu then directed a grateful smile to Hiromi and said, “Thank you and sorry to bother you with that.”

It was then that Hiromi felt like she could do something for them. Even with a simple act, she knew it will be enough to make the two people in front of her right now feel better. They have suffered enough and what could a little breaking of a policy could do. She slowly smiled and took the decision as she called Tamotsu’s attention again.

“I think I can do something about that,” She said and Tamotsu was confused for a minute but when he did understand what she meant, a priceless smile broke out into his lips.

~*~*~*~

Mami kept on slipping from reality and dreams. She had already lost count on how many times she had awoken only to fall asleep right back. She saw her brother’s smiling face, her mother’s teary eyes and her father’s soft features that showed how much he cared for his only daughter but sometimes, she had thought that it was just a dream. She fought hard to stay on her conscious state but her body won’t let her and easily pull her back to her dreamless state.

She grew tired of that and for once, let the tug keep her where it wanted her to stay. She would hear faint whispers, a sound of a cheery voice and sometimes, a music playing, but it might be just her imagination. Even so, she enjoyed what she was hearing. Stories that seemed she understood but then will be forgotten like waking to a dream you can’t remember what it was all about. She doesn’t know how long she had slept this time around but when she had opened her eyes once more, it was still dark, like when she had woken up. The lights were off and the only light was coming from the moon that seemed to past through her tinted window.

At that time, she felt more of herself. She was awake and no longer in between her consciousness. Her eyes were clearer and her mind started to work again even with the headache she was feeling. The pain on her body hasn’t dismissed yet but it was much more tolerable. It seemed that she had a good rest after all.

Slowly, she looked out her window, watching as the lights of the buildings sparkle to life. The hum of the machine that was hooked on her somehow calmed her. The beat of her heart brought rhythm to her silent world.

I’m still alive. She had thought.

Mami then slowly lifted her hands. It moved but somehow, it wouldn’t obey her commands as fluidly as it did before. She sighed and clenched her right hand. Mami knew that sooner or later, she wouldn’t be able to play her guitar anymore.

She shut her eyes and tensed on the idea she just had thought but there’s nothing she could do about it. Mami knew that there’s nothing she could do. Her disease could rob her anything right now as it started to rob her from using her legs freely. Slowly, the disease progressed to her upper body and now her hands were showing the symptoms the disease has brought more prominently than before.

Mami let out a sigh of defeat, her eyes moved to the ceiling but she wasn’t seeing it. Her mind was somewhere else. She was daydreaming. Her mind conjuring the things she wanted to see, the words she wanted to say and hear; the scene she wanted to be playing right now.

Mami had thought of surprising her band mates with a loud shout as they were too focus on practicing. She would surprise them so much that they will jump from their places and clutch their frantic hearts against their chest. Mami would laugh at their reactions and walked towards them with ease and give them the tightest hug she could give.

Then she had expected for them to throw a fit and start hitting her but she would just run away from their grip and will start blubbering nonsense about them. Mami could see it, she was laughing a lot as her friends seethe with anger but then it will turn to a bubbly laugh as they will start to joke around once more.

They would tease Tomomi again or maybe this time, Haruna or Rina, in no end until the other one will give up. They would play their instruments as long and as hard as they want and they will be conquering every stage, every hall, ever arena, and every dome that the world could offer and that would be their life.

It was a blissful thought but reality would come crushing in as Mami felt the familiar pang of pain on her shoulder.

What a lousy timing, shoulder! She had thought but there’s nothing she could do. Dreams are dreams. Reality is reality. She had already fulfilled her dreams into a reality once but could she be able to do it again this time? There’s nothing more she have ever wanted than to play her guitar with the people she had grew up with.

She closed her eyes this time, willing the pain away and empty her mind from such dreams when a voice rang out.

“Mami?”

The voice sounded so familiar but it only made Mami groan. Damn it. Now I’m hallucinating? She told herself and ignored the voice.

“Hey, Mami. Are you awake?”

A different voice sounded this time but Mami got more annoyed. Please! I don’t need this right now. I just woke up! Don’t tell me I’m getting crazy already?! She told herself and shut her eyes once more.

“Mami, come on. Don’t be like that. We know you’re awake.”

These hallucinations are persistent! Just like the real ones, Mami commented and feigned asleep to her own hallucinations even if she thought it crazy to do such thing.

“Mami…” The voices called out.

“Hey, Mami…” The voices grew and Mami felt like she was being touched on the arm. Creepy! Now I’m having tactile hallucinations too?! Mami then brought her arms to her ears. Even if she was weak, she was agile enough to make the move and shut her ears from any noise.

“What the heck are you doing?” The voice sounded incredulously.

“Not hearing anything…not hearing anything…” She repeated under her breath, worried at the current state of her mind.

“ITTAI!” She suddenly yelped as she felt a flick of a finger on her forehead, a tear of pain run to her eyes as she quickly rubbed the sore part of her forehead.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” She raised her voice but with the mask she was wearing, only a muffled sound came out.

“You’re the one ignoring us!” The voice said and this time Mami saw three figures hovering at her bed.

Her eyes widened, not sure if it was still a dream or hallucinations but it felt so real. The pain on her forehead told her that she was wide awake. She was speechless, her hands stayed where it was on her forehead. The machine on her right started to beep faster in response to her heart rate but the three figures seemed to just ignore it.

“Don’t think that just because you’re sick right now we would let you get away on what you did.”

“H-Haruna…”Mami stuttered as she watched the older woman playfully crackled her fingers.

“Now you remember my name?” Haruna asked with her brows raised up.

“If you weren’t in bed right now and with all those contraptions, I’ll be surely locking your head in my arms right now.”

“Tomomi…” Mami said softly and Tomomi only glared at her.

“Hey, hey…Don’t act so hotheaded and keep your voices down! We’ll get kick out if you start making trouble in here!”

“Rina…” The girl in question moved her eyes to the one who spoke and smiled at her.

“Guys…”Mami could only utter as tears started b on her eyes.

The faces of the three seemed to fall as they watched Mami cry. Some part of them was already losing the control they’ve put up to themselves but they have promised to act like they’ve used too to cheer Mami up but it seemed like it was not even working.

A small sniff escaped from the three women and it surprised them.

“Mou! I’m tired! Mami scoot over, I’m going to rest a bit,” Haruna muttered while hiding the tears in her eyes. She then moved to Mami’s side and carefully lay down half of her body on the bed, still mindful with all the contraptions.

“W-wai-“ Mami was about to say something when Rina moved to her other side and started cuddling on her.

“I’m tired too, let me sleep here too,” Rina said and rested her head to her shoulders.

“Wait guys, this is…”Mami couldn’t say the words properly with the mask on but the two stayed on their place until Tomomi started to climb on Mami’s bed too.

“Goodnight, Mami! We’ll talk in the morning. I’m sleepy too,” Tomomi said and moved Rina’s leg to the side so she could lie on Mami’s stomach.

What the?! Mami thought as the three made themselves comfortable in the single bed. She was being used as a pillow and as a bed too. She had thought how crazy those three were for not even considering her condition. They’ve just do what they’ve wanted like a boss and not even care about etiquettes and the staff there that could get angry to them on what they were doing.

She was about to push them all off her but it was then that she felt warm liquid saturating her gown where Rina was laying her head on her shoulder. She felt it too on where Tomomi was lying and a sniff coming from her other side where Haruna was lying down; her head just above from Mami’s as she placed her hand on Mami’s arm.

Mami felt it tighten as the other too did and it was then that she could feel the shivering of their body as they’ve tried hard enough not to cry in front of her.

Sudden warmth started on her chest and engulfed her body as she felt the love and care her friends were showing right now. She had missed them so much and they too, missed her equally. Even without uttering a word, the four of them somehow connected in that simple moment.

Peace overtook the four and slowly, their weary and heavy laden bodies started to relax once more.

Like a baby cradling at each other, the four slept soundlessly, oblivious of the world outside. Spent from all the pent-up anxieties they’ve been holding for a long time now, they could finally let it all go. There are a lot of things to talk about but it will be dealt for another time since the most important thing for them right now was to enjoy each others’ company once more in silence.

Sleep seemed the right thing to do at that moment and they all welcomed it without further ado.