"Xiumin-hyung! Please, come eat lunch with us?" whined a pleading Baekhyun as he practically clinged onto Xiumin's leg, not letting the older leave. Xiumin desperately tried to shake the younger off of him, his chest tightening as he felt the situation slowly starting to unravel into something unpleasant. 

 

"Yah, Baekhyun. I have tons of homework to finish, you know that." Xiumin said, trying to release the death grip Baekhyun had on his leg. The younger glared up at Xiumin, shaking his head.

 

"YOU SAID THAT LAST WEEK!" the younger shouted angrily up at Xiumin, causing a couple of heads to turn their way. Leave it to Baekhyun to cause a scene in the middle of their college campus. 

 

"Wha-What if it was just me? Screw Chanyeol and Tao, eat lunch with me! I miss my favorite hyung!" Baekhyun whined, earning a few kicks and slaps on the head from Chanyeol and Tao who were watching all of this unfold.

 

"Yah, we both miss him! Even though Tao sees him everyday, I still miss him!" Chanyeol spoke up, eyeing Baekhyun, as he let out a sigh.

 

Xiumin bit at his bottom lip, contemplating his options. He glanced down at the younger, eyes filled with hope and a sort of shine to them, and glanced up at Chanyeol and Tao, who were awkwardly watching. Even though they weren't throwing a tantrum like Baekhyun, Xiumin knew they missed him as much as he missed them. (Well, maybe not Tao. They give eachother headaches at times.) He mentally cursed himself, because he knows he'll regret this in the end.

 

"Fine, but you guys are paying." 

 

--

 

Xiumin only ate half of his lunch, claiming he had a big breakfast this morning as he pushed his plate away, rubbing at his tummy as though he was full.

 

But in all honest, he felt like he was going to break down into tears soon if he had to force anymore food down his throat. He could already hear the voices inside his head, taunting him and laughing at him, telling him what a failure he is. He couldn't breathe and his fingers were busy digging into his skin, trying to make the voices stop. He felt the anxiety build up inside of him as he quickly excused himself, running into the single bathroom (in which Xiumin thanked God for) and locked the door, back pressing against it. He shook his head, trying to ignore the sudden urge to have his fingers down his throat and on a clean, cool metal blade, as he quickly went on his knees, wiping around the toliet bowl with some toliet paper, (because only God knows what's been on there) discarding of it in the garbage and quickly cleans his hands. He kneels down against the toliet bowl, forcing his fingers into his throat, tears b as he feels the bile slowly start to build up, finding it's way out of his body and into the toliet bowl. 

 

He sat there for a moment, out of breathe, staring into the toliet bowl filled with his vomit as the tears streamed down his face. He choked back a sob, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, slowly slumping back against the wall. His breathe was shaky as he clamped his hand over his mouth, a sob ripping through his throat as his body shook, having nothing to hold onto but himself. 

 

He quickly recollected himself, standing up and flushing the toliet, watching the only food that he managed to swallow in three weeks go down the drain. He quickly splashed water onto his face, making sure to avoid looking at the mirror as he walked right out with a smile on his face as though nothing happened.

 

--

 

At first, it was just a few name callings at school by some few kids. Fatty, chubby, Snorlax. Minseok ignored them, because his mother said that size didn't matter in a person, and he always listened to his mother. Minseok would always smile it off, laughing with them as they made faces at him, pushing him away whenever he tried joining in on a game of soccer. 

 

Somewhere between the physical beatings he'd get after school and the mental torture he received from all the name callings, Minseok started to realize that maybe his mother wasn't right. He started to excercise more, eat less, and played soccer regularly by himself. He managed to lose around 20 lbs, bringing him to a weight of 145 starting his freshmen year. 

 

The bullies went away, never really bothered him in high school and never really looked his way. To them, it was all in the past. But to Minseok, it still haunts him every single day. Even after losing 20 lbs, he felt like it wasn't enough, he wasn't enough. He started to grow a certain liking to the feeling of having an empty stomach, and the way his appetite started shrinking. 

 

However, when Minseok found out that his mother was starting to grow suspicious, he'd force the food down his throat every single night, until he was completely full and couldn't swallow another bite. He'd wait a couple of minutes, having casual talk with his parents and younger sister, until he'd excuse himself to go to the bathroom, turning on the shower so his family wouldn't hear him purge his dinner.

 

When Minseok moved away from home and got his own apartment, he became known as Xiumin. Minseok was dead to him, and will forever be. In Xiumin's eyes, Minseok was just a fat, happy kid that was oblivious to the venomous words and the cruel hits by society. 

 

Things got a lot better for Xiumin when he moved into his own apartment and started attending college. He didn't have to eat anything, and didn't have to hide his purges because he lived alone. 

 

But no matter how much weight he manages to lose, the voice inside his head whispers, "You're fat."

 

--

 

Finals were finally over, and to celebrate, Xiumin and his group of friends went out for dinner. It was almost impossible to get out of this, because Baekhyun was texting Xiumin death threats, saying that he'd personally drag his to dinner whether he liked it or not. 

 

Not wanting to face an angry Baekhyun, Xiumin agreed to dinner. It was awhile since the whole gang got together for an occasion, and what better was it than to celebrate the end of finals? 

 

When he got to the restaurant, all of his friends were already seated. They were all chatting away, couple of beers being passed around the table. Tao was the first to spot Xiumin, immediately waving him over.

 

"Xiumin-ah!"

 

"Hyung!"

 

"I'VE MISSED YOU!"

 

"Why you no hang out with us anymore?"

 

"Oppa!" (God dammit Tao)

 

Xiumin let out a laugh, his heart bubbling with happiness at his dorky friends, taking a seat next to Tao. He scanned across the table, taking count of the faces.

 

..9, 10.

 

Someone was missing.

 

"Luhan-hyung!"

 

Xiumin blinked up as he saw the missing link, practically skipping to the table, his eyes wide with joy. Xiumin still couldn't believe they were the same age.

 

"FINALS ARE OVER!" Luhan shouted, resulting in the rest of the gang to let out yells and screams, only to have been shushed by the waiters.

 

Luhan took a seat across from Xiumin, flashing him a bright smile.

 

"Minseokie! I've missed you!" Luhan cooed, reaching over to pinch his cheeks. Xiumin froze at the sudden contact, but soon relaxed into Luhan's warm hands, however slightly uncomfortable at the mention of "Minseok." He cringed visibly, random flashbacks of his childhood flickered through his vision, causing him to shut his eyes immediately, trying to calm himself down. 

 

Everyone called Xiumin, well Xiumin. Everyone except Luhan. He had refused to, claiming that "Minseok is a pretty name" and "It fit him more than Xiumin." Maybe it was the fact that Luhan knew Xiumin when he was Minseok. Not the chubby Minseok in elementary school, but the Minseok that started slowly dying into Xiumin. 

 

Tao gently nudged Xiumin's shoulder when they were all settled down, discussing what to get. It was a fact known between the twelve of them that Xiumin had some sort of sweet spot for the baby faced boy who was just a couple of months younger than him. Maybe it was because they were close in age, or maybe it was because Luhan practically praised the ground Xiumin walked on; no one knew the reason why Xiumin would blush at the sight of Luhan, or why he'd stay up helping the younger study for his exams when even he had finals to get ready for, and neither did Xiumin.

 

Xiumin glanced up at Tao, only to smack the younger in the head with his menu when Tao started wiggling his eyebrows, eyes darting from Xiumin to Luhan. 

 

--

 

I can't do this..

 

Xiumin had taken twenty bites from his salad--yes, he counted--and he realized he couldn't go through with eating the rest of his meal. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, drinking his water to try and calm down his nerves, and fill up his empty stomach. His eyes watched as everyone ate their food, feeling that familiar, yet sickening feeling spread throughout his body. 

 

You're so fat.

 

I knew you'd end up eating, you pathetic waste of human life.

 

Put down the fork, you don't want to end up like Minseok again, do you Xiumin..?

 

Xiumin's hands started to shake at the mention of Minseok, a trigger that sent him over the edge as he excused himself, trying not to run to the bathroom. He quickly pushed himself into the bathroom, checking the rest of the stalls to make sure no one was there. He hurriedly cleaned the toliet seat, rushing over to scrub his hands at the sink, fingers down his throat before he could even make it to the toliet bowl, his dinner soon finding itself into the toliet bowl.

 

Xiumin let out a sigh of relief, his breathe shaky as he slowly started to sit up, reaching over to flush down the food--

 

"Minseok..?"

 

Crap.

 

He shouldn't have done this. He shouldn't have come out to dinner, he shouldn't have eaten that salad, he shouldn't have bothered at all. Xiumin should've known Baekhyun couldn't even kick his , he should've known that staying home and drinking water was going to be enough. He should've atleast made sure no one was going to go to the bathroom, he should've atleast thought for a moment. He should've been smart and make sure the coast was clear but he wasn't, he never is. He's so ing careless.

 

Xiumin turned around, and the boy with the doe-like eyes are staring at him, horrified, confused, upset, and all Xiumin wishes is that he should've atleast locked the ing stall. 

 

"L-Luhan.."

 

--

 

Minseok still remembered the first day he met Luhan. It was senior year and a foreign student from China just impressed the whole class with his skillful Korean, earning flirtatious glances from the girls, and a much rather intimidated gaze from the boys. 

 

Nonetheless, everyone wanted to be friends with the new student that spoke Chinese and Korean. However, the Chinese student wanted to be friends with one person, and one person only. (Yeah, obviously it was Minseok.)

 

Luhan was really talkative behind that shy, timid demeanour he put up. He wouldn't stop talking to Minseok in class, getting them both detention no matter how many times Minseok tried explaining that only LUHAN was talking. Nothing says "Let's be friends" by spending detention together after school.

 

But somewhere between the soccer games during senior year and Minseok nagging Luhan to clean his apartment when they both graduated, they were closer than ever. Even though recently they haven't been able to see eachother due to finals and Luhan getting a part time job. They manage to go out for lunch once a week.

 

--

 

Xiumin looked at the younger with wide eyes, a sort of numb feeling taking over his body. He quickly shuffled to his feet, brushing past Luhan to roll up his sleeves, scrubbing his hands clean under the sink water.

 

"X-Xiumin, were you just..?" Luhan's voice came from behind him, placing his hand gently on Xiumin's shoulder. Xiumin reacted, flinching away dramatically as he stared at Luhan with bewildered eyes. He shook his head, turning away to dry his hands before a hand came down on his arm, cause Xiumin to immediately jump away, only to be pulled back. 

 

"You hurt youself.." Luhan muttered, staring down at Xiumin's wrist where several deep, heart-wrenching cuts unfolded out on his white, milky skin. The red scar contrasted with his white skin, easily visible to anyone if Xiumin wasn't careful with hiding it. 

 

Xiumin quickly pulled away his arm, glaring at the younger as he quickly tried to push past him.

 

"Luhan, move." Xiumin muttered, eyebrows furrowed in frustration as he avoided making eye contact. 

 

"No, Minseok look at me." Luhan spoke. His voice was both stern, yet soothing to Xiumin. He didn't want to see the disgust in Luhan's eyes; Xiumin knew he was fat, he knew he was a failure, and he didn't need anyone else to tell him that.

 

--

 

"I-I thought we told each other everything." Luhan spoke up after an awkward silence had settled between the two in the men's bathroom. "W-Why?"

 

Xiumin stared at Luhan's hand wrapped entirely around his arm, frowning at how fat he was. He needed to excercise again, he was getting lazy these couple of days and the voices didn't help--

 

"Minseok." Luhan spoke again, tugging gently at the younger's arm.

 

Xiumin suddenly whipped his head up, eyes glaring holes into the baby face boy. "I'm Xiumin." he spat venomously, tugging his arm away.

 

Luhan wouldn't back down, tightening his grip a bit, almost hesitantly. "No, Minseok. We need to talk about this."

 

"About what? There's nothing to talk about between us, so please. Let me go." 

 

"Minseok." Luhan spoke, almost pleading the older. 

 

Xiumin rolled his eyes, tugging his arm away, feeling the warmth from Luhan's hand slowly creep away as he pushed his way past Luhan. He paused for a moment, the room suddenly getting dizzy as he gripped onto the sink, hand immediately going to his forehead as he tried to massage his temple, a major headache forming. His vision started blurring and he felt himself fall onto his knees.

 

"Minseok!" was the last thing Xiumin heard until everything went black.

 

 

--

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hello everyone! I'm writing a Xiuhan fanfic again! I know I didn't even get to the second chapter of my first Xiuhan fanfic, but I will! Don't worry! I've always wanted to write a fanfic idea about this sort of topic, because I've been through something like this and I could relate one hundred percent. So, it's like you get to know the actual thoughts behind someone who has a eating disorder. Anyway, please enjoy reading! Comments and criticism are welcomed! <3 

 

Also, I might be re-editing this because I'm not very proud of what I have up there, just to give you guys a headsup!