Secrets

The moment I came to term with my feeling, the instinctive trait of being reject was beside it like a shadow. 

I knew I was different somehow. I knew it was...wrong to fall in love with him. Who was I kidding. I was just a selfish girl that wants his attention. I wants him to turn his head around and looks at me properly, for who I am. It was supposed to be one of those cliche scenes in a novel, where the main character hopes for her secret love's feelings to be the same as her, and when she confessed, he realized he was in love with her. Except, it wasn't quiet the same. 

Reality was quiet harsh for the heart. 

I watched him from afar. I've always had, and I knew I needs to stop soon. But I was cheating my own heart, trying to be as distance to him as possible whenever we actually happen to interact, which was, in a way, quiet ironic. Here I was, one of the many girls, in his classes. And fate was, in a word, cruel. Putting him in most of my classes, and letting me sit near him, way too near, was hard for me to ignore. I, for once, was about to just blurt it all out and get the mountain over with, but I couldn't. 

After all, who was I kidding, right? I was in love with my best friend's boyfriend. 

Him and her was a couple with the best compatibility I've ever seen in my entire life. And I'd seen quiet a lot, if I can say so. 

It was depressing, seeing as I was the first one to noticed him. I was the first one to fall in love with him. I was the first one that she told her secrets to...so I couldn't betray her now, could I? It was tempting, really, to just go up to her and declare that I like her boyfriend, love even. But one look at her, and I was just a scrawny little thing that sticks to her like glue. 

It was the opposite. 

Maybe I was being manipulates, but she was way too honest and kind for that. Right? I smiled slightly as she waved at me happily, her arm hooked around his. The smiles on both of their face told me that they had found their other half. But what about me? What am I suppose to do with this undying and stubborn love for that man next to her? I've tried, I'm telling you. I really did. Every time my heart found a time to throw away this unnecessary love for him, he always managed to make me get a heart attack. Over and over again. 

How suspicious, is what a normal person would say. 

I, however, am not normal. Or average for that matter. I was different, and I knew it. 

It hurts. It hurts really badly. This heart-wrenching feeling that I didn't like. My heart feels like it's being squeezes so tightly that I couldn't breathe. 

Every single second ever since they announced they were dating. 

And that was more than a year ago. Poor me, huh? It'd already steered toward the end of the school year, and yet I never got the courage to actually brave up and tells her everything. Maybe if I did, she would be kind enough to let me confess, at least, so that I can get a proper answer, a rejection, for sure, from him. 

Then I got a sudden courage over the summer of my sophomore year. I phoned her up and told her it. 

"Hmph, how laughable" she had said "You think you can actually get a guy like him? A perfect, three in one, like my boyfriend? I don't think so, Amber. Think again"

"No" I had replied "I only want to confess to him, and get reject so that I can bury my feelings down" 

"I don't believe you. Surely, you've noticed that he'd been paying more attention to you lately, right? He must have had brain damaged to actually get a second look at you. A boyish, good-for-nothing girl. I told him you were a lesbian, and he believes me. How naive" she had snickered hysterically, and I'd felt a sudden twitch of pain inside my heart. 

"Ah, that's him right there" I could hear her grin as I overheard his voice "We'll be connecting today, so I believe you would leave us alone, right?" She smirked "Loser" and then the sound of her hanging up was projected. 

I stared at my phone, then slammed it against my bed and started to laugh like a maniac. Of course, of course that girl wouldn't give him up. I had know since the beginning. That nice little facade was fading with time, and so she had finally emerged, huh? 

Tears rolled down my face, and I wailed as the dark feelings eat up my insides, not allowing me to even have a moment to escape. I couldn't believe that I'd trust her so much, just to have this happen. 

But why, why me? 

Of course that must be it. I suddenly remembered what she'd said once before when I wasn't paying her much attention, courtesy of her boyfriend. 

"You know, Am, being around you makes me feel like I'm in a cluster of guys that adore me. And it feels great. But I doubt any of the guy would be gay enough to actually falls for you"

I stared at the reflection on the wall opposite of my bed, and all I could see was an emotionally-distorted teenager with tears-strained face and a murderous intent in her eyes. For herself. 

I shook myself out of it. No, I am not going to take my own life because of a stupid girl that doesn't appreciate what had been given to her. I'll show her, that I am more than capable of taking revenge by taking her boyfriend away from her.

I felt my right cheek being slapped hard as my own hand came in contact with it. 

"Serve me right" I muttered and smiled. The girl in the mirror was now a sight that was no longer human,  with that devilish smile on her face that completely erased any trace of the once gentle and nice high school student. She was gone...

Or so I would like to make myself believes. I looks around the room my parents had gifted me as a present for one of my birthdays. It was a nice little room that have my trophies and pictures from my childhood. The innocent smile on the younger girl's face scared me. How long have I been walking along this wicked path? Since when did these kind of thoughts started to occupy my mind? 

I scanned the amount of trophies on one of the shelves, reading the years and started noticing the decreasing amount of the golden cups on my shelves over the time leading to my current life. When did my love for sports or competitions stopped warming my heart? 

I looked at the pictures of my whole family. Me, Jackie, my mom, and my dad. I stayed silent as the past played in front of me, and then I saw a dark shadow watching the happy family, with bloody tears streaming down the person's face. It was lost...And I could tell that it would be me soon if I don't hurry up and recover from this disastrous event that would become meaningless when I starts living MY life again. 
I smiled, a real smile, and picked up my phone, dialing the one person I thought I would never get the courage to talk to. 

"Hello, Yongguk" I said calmly as I heard a gruff voice picked it up. 

"Amber?" He had questioned, and I smiled. So he did save my number on his phone then. That's a great start. 

"What happened to her? Did you leave after she started attacking you?" I asked him, amusement lightening my voice. 

Yongguk huffed "I really thought she was the one, you know" he said, and I sensed sadness in his voice "and I don't know why I feel comfortable talking to you like this. It felt like I've known you for a long time"

"Maybe because you did, Yongguk. And as much as I would hate to say this, I'm getting the slightest feeling that you see me as a guy?" 

He glided pass the weird part of my sentence, and just focused on my last 12 words "Well, technically. I guess you could say that?" I heard the uncertainty in his voice. 

That needs some working on. "So how are you coping with the real face of my best friend?" 

Yongguk sighed "I broke up with her. Didn't know she would be such a..." he trailed off, not knowing what to say. 

"Idiot? Or just a moron?" I suggested for him 

"Both" I heard him trying to cover his chuckling "By the way, I was just meaning to ask, but how did YOU coped with her? And how did you know to call at such a right time?"

"For your first question, I didn't know before, but I kinda guessed since nobody could be that perfect. You know, the quote 'A perfect girl isn't real, and a real girl isn't perfect'? I half suspected her personality, and ignored her most of the time" I let him hear my chuckle this time "And for your second question, call it the instinct of a boyish girl in love" I confessed truthfully 

There was a pause, and then I heard the clattering of things around his room and him screaming when he fell down.

I laughed out loud "Guess that was too much for a man who just broke up, huh?" 

"Not really" he said with slight awkwardness. Hmm...seem like he manage to collect himself somewhat. 

"What do you plan on doing?" I strikes with a question, my mind wondering between fangirling mode and myself. 

"About her? I'm probably gonna just texts my friends and tell them how she really is like before, you know, she starts spreading rumors" his voice sounded distance 

"It was good time for you too, hmm? I did rather like her nice side more. And I'll give credit to her for not being expose for two whole years" I sighed silently, getting a sinking feeling as I continue my sentence. I guess I'll have to start as his friend and wait for him until he's ready to let someone into his heart again. 

"I guess so. After all, she seem like a really good person. But I guess you really can't judge a book by a cover after all." He paused "Somehow, I'm getting a feeling that I'm starting to promote you up my list of close friends. You're really different from her, you know? I saw you in our freshman year, ironic how our schedules seem to be link together since during both years we were in most of each other's classes, but I didn't think much until I saw you staring at me...Or specifically, my friends noticed you spying on me" he laughed 

I raised an eyebrow. He was trying to get me flustered. Who does he think he's talking to anyway? "Well, Mr. Oblivious, I will admitted that I've been watching you attentively, you know. You've quiet some interesting habits, because after all, I've picked them up unconsciously" I smirked "And I'm also starting to promote you up my list of ideal boyfriend. You're moving to the No.1 spot"

He coughed, the splattering of water was heard, and I laughed out loud this time. 

"You shouldn't tease people like that, Amber. It's bad for the heart" he commented after a while.

I twirled my short hair on my finger, seeing it disappear after two swirls "And you're bad for my heart" I stated in a serious voice.

And once again, the person on the other line went silent "Congratulations, this is the third time you've managed to flustered me" 

"You're welcome, Bang-ssi" I spoke formally, getting hooked into this battle of wits with him "You're an interesting subject to study...Or maybe if you don't like it, I should switch to your little friend Zelo?"

"No, no, no. That boy is an absolute no. He's much too innocent for you...brat" he said finally, and it seem like I've made my way into his heart slowly. 

"I'm a girl...oppa" I giggled as I wishes I was there to see him shiver. 

"Hey hey, I'm not that much older than you. Only a year or so..." he protested 

"Old guy. Of course you're much older than me" I grinned triumphantly "After all, I did skip a grade"

"Smart-" he mumbled under his breath 

"Oh, Yongguk ah, you shouldn't say bad things, you know. After all, you ARE supposed to be a model student, isn't that right, leader of the gang B.A.P?" I whistled dangerously after my sentence. 

Yongguk, on the other hand, was speechless at the revelation.  "What do you want?" He asked flatly after a minute "You want something, don't you?"

I flipped through the phone in my hand at some web page after putting the call on speaker mode. "A ride on your motorcycle, to the Han River. Of course, you don't really have to drive me, since I also have a license for motorcycle. Just give me the key for the evening, and we're done...and unless you don't want to see your little precious baby damaged, you should follow me" I warned 

"You're a devil" he bluntly said

I ignored what he said "And I wanna join your gang" 

Yongguk was silent again for the umpteen time that day "No" 

"I have the principal's number" I said in response

"...Okay, fine" he groaned into the phone "You're Lucifer's spawn, aren't you?" He questioned, his tone higher than usual 

"I would say no, but then again, I shouldn't lie" I retaliated "And as you've said before, don't judge a book by it cover. Or in my case, don't judge me by my personality, not look...my look is enough to tell you my many hobbies"

"Did I say you were nice before? If I did, I'll take that back" 

"Too late." I cluck my tongue "you can't take back something you've said. After all, you're talking to the Amber Liu here"

"Why did you hide this side of you when you were with her? I'm positive she'd be scare to death if she had found out that you ride motorcycle and wants to join gangs..." he trailed off

I shrugged my shoulder, not that he'd know. "She's not worth telling to. Beside, I dropped too many hints but none of the girls seem to notice beside the boys I associated with"

Yongguk sighed "Guess I have no choice then, brat princess" he paused, and in a voice that definitely say he would rather not be saying this, "Welcome to the gang, Amber"

"Awesome. Great. Epic" I fired off my excitement "And if you want to get me off your back as soon as possible, you can find me a female gang to join" I suggested 

He perked up, visibly even if I wasn't there to witnessed it "There's a female gang called f(x). They would suit you perfectly. They're our sister group..."

I stayed silent, detecting a lie.

Yongguk grumbled "Okay fine. They're my group's worst nightmare ever" he said, seeming unwilling 

"Consider me in. Let me know when I can meet them" I told him 

"Okay. Fine. Now just...get off the phone, please" he pleaded "I have stuff I need to do"

"When are you picking me up tonight?" I asked 

"What?" He seem puzzle 

"The deal, Yong. The deal. You're letting me have a go at your motorcycle and meet your gang, remember?"

"Tonight?" 

"Tonight" I confirmed, looking intensely at my screen. I had discovered something of great interest.  

"I'll call the f(x) girls too." He added when he sensed more in my voice 

"Great. Thank you, oppa" I chuckled evilly and he hang up his phone immediately after. 

I guess being different isn't that bad. After all, I get my crush AND meet great friends at the same time.