“Do you think I’m being a little too hard on him?” I asked whilst handing him a bottle of water.

“Who?”

“The new kid.”

“Daesung or Seunghyun?”

“The youngest.”

He laughed, “Why is it seemed really hard for you to say his name?”

“You’re not answering my question.”

He looked to the new kid, “Yes, you do.”

I sighed, “I didn’t mean to give him hard times.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I can tell that you like him.”

I blushed, feeling stupid to get caught so quickly. But I didn’t blame him because I’ve always been like an open book to him.

“Is it too obvious?”

“Duh,” he rolled his eyes, “from the way you nag him and talk about him like now.”

“Do you think I’m overreacting around him?”

He laughed, “Kind of.”

I sighed, “I’m afraid.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I’m afraid he’ll scare off if I tell him the truth about me.”

“The truth that you like him in a romantic way?”

I nodded, “He’ll look at me as a freak. A gay leader.”

He laughed, “Don’t be too pessimistic, you don’t know about it yet.”

I sighed, “You don’t understand. I’m afraid if I tell him he’ll scare off and I’ll never have a chance to get closer with him anymore. It’s suffocating me.”

He smiled, “You’re just in denial, Jiyong-ah. You thought if you act this way you’ll get rid of your feelings but it’s not working. Instead you fall deeper for him and now you’re torn between your heart and your brain.”

“God, I didn’t know you could talk this much.”

He laughed again, “Go for it, Jiyong-ah. You’ll never know.”

“I surely will never know.”

“There are only two possibilities.”

“Whether he’ll accept me or he’ll reject me and see me as a freak forever.”

He laughed again and he patted my shoulder, “Go for it, Jiyong-ah. Be brave.”

I frowned, “Easier to say than done.”

--

“Jiyongie, let’s go back to the dance studio before they find us here.”

“I’ll stay here for a while. I kind of miss this room.” I smile at him.

“Alright, don’t take too long. I’ll wait you there.”

He closes the door and I continue staring blankly to the wall. I close my eyes and I touch the wall as I reminisce the old times. This building has so many memories of my trainee days and the days when I was afraid to even speak nicely to Seunghyun. I smile, thinking how stupid I was.

When I saw him I’d put my most terrifying look and nagged him. I’d nag him for everything he did. I wasn’t even sure why I continuously nagging him, I guess I was just afraid. Afraid that he’d found out, afraid that he’d hate me. I was struggling in denial for some times, trying not to fall for him.

But it turned out to be nothing that I ever expected. He accepted me and my life has been better since that day. I have never felt so free and alive until he came. Life wasn’t hard for me anymore, he helped me cope. Whenever I felt down he’d be there to soothe me, he helped me up again.

I smile, re-living memories of us once again.

--

“This is bullsh*t.”

I slammed my glass and paper to the table and I pulled my hair. I wanted to scream, I wanted to let out my anger and depression. I was stupid to accept the offer; to accept that tiny little thing in my mouth. I scrunched my face and Seunghyun opened the door.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“Then why do you look so different today?”

“Nothing’s different.” I forced a smile.

“Something happened. Tell me.”

I glared at him, “Don’t act like you know everything.”

“I don’t know about everything, but I surely know something happened to you.” He smiled, “I want to know what made you so sad.”

I looked to him; I could feel my eyes tearing up. Who am I kidding? Of course he’d know. I felt bad for glaring at him earlier. I sighed and I walked closer to him.

“Now, will you tell me what happened?” he smiled, holding my shoulders firmly yet gently.

“It’s all messed up,” I started to cry, “I messed up.”

He hugged me and he patted the back of my head gently, “It’s alright, Jiyongie. Everyone messed up once in a while. We can’t be perfect all the time, we are only humans.”

“But it’s different, I messed up big time.” I sobbed.

He hugged me tighter, “Jiyongie, it will be alright. Just because someone trapped you to smoke don’t mean it’ll be the dead end for your career.”

“People already know, they said they knew it, they-”

“They don’t know you like I do, Jiyongie. Don’t listen to them.”

“But their opinion matters.”

“It’s true, but don’t let them falter you. You have to show them that you’re not that kind of man who smokes .”

“How?”

He sighed, “To be honest, I don’t know.”

“See, you don’t know too.” I sobbed again.

“Jiyongie, it’s alright, don’t be afraid. Everyone messed up once in a while. Let them say whatever they want to say, but don’t let their opinions consume you. Don’t let it be you. I believe you will pull this off.”

“Why are you so sure?”

“Because I believe in you, and no one will ever see you the way my eyes do. They don’t know how great and how strong you are.”

I sobbed; touched by his sincere words, “Seunghyun-ah?”

“Yes, Jiyongie?”

“Will you still love me when I’ve got nothing?”

“I have loved you ever since the first time I saw you, I love you now, and I always will. Nothing will be too strong to part us. I love, love, love you.”

“Will you still want me when I’ve got nothing but my imperfections?”

“I will always want all of you. I want your flaws, your mistakes, and your imperfections. I want you, Jiyongie, and only you.”

I smiled and I knew I’d be alright.

--

I open my eyes, tearing up from the beautiful yet painful memory. I was involved in a scandal for my own stupidity. If I rejected the offer none of it would happened. But I’m grateful to have experienced that, though. It made our band grow stronger and it made my relationship with Seunghyun closer than ever.

I get up from the bed and finally heading down to the dance studio. I sigh, looking around the familiar surroundings. It had been a long time since we moved out from the dorm. Although I still come here to practice, I never visit the old dorm. This is the first time after such long time.

I remember how I’d run the hall to avoid being late and walk mindlessly at night whenever I couldn’t go to sleep. I smile and I look over to the balcony, the place where I confessed to Seunghyun. I smile even wider as I see Seunghyun is there. The door to the balcony is left open and I walk through it.

I hug him from the back, pouring out my love to him. It may sound insane, but I’ve missed him already. I can’t be parted from him even only for a while. He turns around and he hugs me even tighter.

“I thought you’re already in the dance studio.”

“I was re-living the memory.”

“That time when I confessed?” I blush.

He nods, “Yes. I’m walking down the memory lane before we’re officially married.”

I sigh, “It all feels like only yesterday.”

“I know,” he sighs, “it’s amazing how time flies.”

I sigh and I let go of him. I smile and I grab his hand, “Let’s go downstairs before everyone panic.”

He laughs and we walk together happily to dance studio. When we arrive in the studio everyone has gathered and they don’t say a thing seeing us come late. I guess they have got used to our lateness. But that’s not the reason why they don’t say a word.

Youngbae is in the corner of the studio, sitting down with his head bowed. I grasp Seunghyun’s hand tightly and slowly walking back; hiding behind him. I still can feel his hand and his cold lips pressed against my skin. I shiver, feeling dirty once again. Seunghyun grasps my hand even tighter and he walks forward.

TOP holds him back and shakes his head; telling him not to do anything reckless. He sighs and we walk to other direction instead, he calms me down. I’m literally shaking and I’m embracing my own body like an idiot. I shiver again, I can’t forget how he kissed and touched me roughly. I just still can’t believe someone gentle like him could do that.

Seunghyun walks over to Youngbae and once again TOP holds him back, “Seunghyun-ah, don’t.”

Just then Youngbae stands up and walks toward his direction. I can feel my body tenses up, afraid that Youngbae will hurt him.

“Hi, maknae.”

“So you do remember that you’re a part of this band.” Seunghyun speaks.

He sighs, “Listen, I’m sorry. I was-”

“Apologize to Jiyong, not to me.”

“If you let me get closer to him I’d like to apologize to him in person.”

Seunghyun turns around to see me, asking me if it’s okay for him get closer to me. I can feel my body turns wobbly but still I nod; letting him get closer to me once again. Seunghyun walks him over to me, and I can see him clenching his fist.

He stops when he’s really close to me and he kneels before me, “Jiyong-ah, I’m sorry. I was mad. I felt unfair because I was always there for you ever since our trainee days but you never noticed my-”

I raise my hand, telling him to stop. I’ve heard enough and I want him to move farther. “Youngbae-ya,” I stutter pretty badly, “It-it’s alright. I understand.”

He smiles to me and he stands up immediately, “I hope we can be friends again.”

I look up to him; somehow feeling braver, “Sure we will.”

“I hope you’ll always be happy with Seunghyun. That will make me happy too.”

I choke, feeling sad for never being able to understand him. I should have treated him better. Seunghyun snorts and he immediately sits next to me and hold my shoulder; showing off that I am belongs to him. I can only smile and I hold his hand, feeling stronger.

I look up again to Youngbae and I smile to him, “I surely will be.”

Daesung claps his hand and he’s crying, “Oh God I’m so happy that we’re back like the old times.”

TOP holds him, “You fool, why you are crying over simple things?”

Daesung sighs, “You are so insensitive sometimes.”

“It’s not that. I’m happy too, but I hate it if you’re crying.” TOP coughs nervously, “You’re a smiling angel, remember?”

Seunghyun’s about to laugh at their sweet talks but I shut his mouth with my hands. “Now, shall we start our second session?”