chapter eighteen; 

                  DOYOONS POV: confessed

»  "Still one of my favourite movies," Lisa exclaims, stretching as she stifled a yawn.

I nodded, tapping on the arm rest nervously. There was a reason I suddenly planned to meet Lisa. I had spent all day thinking of what Seungcheol and Bella had said, rewinding their words over and over again like a broken tape. I slapped the arm rest once more as she stood up, gathering the bowls and chopsticks and headed for the kitchen. "Say, I have one more surprise for you," I said, turning to watch her walk.

"What was the first one?" She asks, smirking as she threw the trash in the garbage and washed her hands by the kitchen sink.

I smiled meekly. "I'm here now, aren't I?"

"Lucky me," she replies sarcastically, rolling her eyes. She walks back to me and places her hands on her hips as I stood up, opening the back door again and pulled out a picnic basket from behind. I dangled the basket and smiled as she gave me a look.

"How about going on a little star gazing while having a picnic?"

"Doyoon, we just ate noodles," she points out.

"Time for dessert," I sung.

She squints her eyes. "What kind?"

"Cheesecake." She stares at me for a little longer before reluctantly sighing, and following me out the back door.

We manage to dodge the paparazzi by taking the long way around to the park. We eventually reach the deserted park, picking a spot on the high hill to be just a little closer to the stars. I lay out the blanket, placing the basket on the ground. Forgetting about the paparazzi and whatever difficulties we had to deal with later on, I wanted to enjoy now. She crawls next to me and lays on my out stretched arm propping herself so she could look at the sky while cuddling into my side. If we could stay like this forever, I 'd take the offer.

We lie on the blanket, staring at the dark sky in silence for a moment. I wonder if she could hear my heartbeat because it was beating so fast, I swear it was going to jump right out of my chest. Tonight was the night. I wouldn't be able to tell her otherwise. How would she react? I was terrified for the outcome but if I kept this charade going on any longer…

She laughs, leaning on her side to look me in the eyes. I was afraid she could read my thoughts. "What are we doing?"

I stare at her, confused. "What do you mean?"

"We're sitting in a park star gazing."

I let out a small laugh as I entwine our fingers. "Most girls would find it romantic."

"Well, yeah, it is but it's also boring."

"Okaaaay, let's play a game then," I suggest, playing with the ends of her hair. She was being so…endearing tonight. I kind of wanted to throw the confession to the back of the truck again but gritted my teeth as I kept myself in line. Not tonight. I wasn't chickening out again.

"What game?"

"Uh, reasons why Doyoon is great," I replied, grinning at her. She gives me a look as I cleared my throat. "I'll start us off. Number one, I'm a great singer and dancer." She scoffs, rolling her eyes as I continue. "Number two, I'm pretty." Another scoff. "Number three, I'm a fantastic boyfriend."

She laughs, shaking her head. "Cocky much?"

"Well then, you give me some reasons then."

"There are none, buddy. I am clearly better," she says, flipping her hair over her shoulder as I laughed.

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, really. I'm a good friend, an even BETTER cook and I have great hair." She finishes with a satisfied nod and I can't help but laugh.

"Who's cocky now?" I asked, poking at her sides, making her giggle. "Besides, you're not the only one with good hair," I argued.

She pokes at a strand and shrugs. "Meh." I let out a surprised gasp as she laughs again, lying back down as she stared up at the sky again. "Annnnd, I'm not an idol. I mean, I wasn't so sure before but after the paps I'm definetly sure that being an idol is not on my bucketlist."

I go silent. "Being an idol isn't all that bad, you know."

She glances over to me and immediately bolts up. "Oh! No, I didn't mean to offend you or anything. Sorry. I didn't mean it like that. It's just that…" She pauses. "How do you do it? All that pressure and all the rules. I mean, yeah, it's cool being idolized and people taking your photos and asking for autographs but isn't it tiring? To always have eyes on you? I mean, I know EXO's Chanyeol gets caught picking his nose every now and then and I know if that was me, I'd be dead embarrassed. I think my biggest fear is forgetting who I am because of the orders I'm forced to follow."

I shrug. "I just keep telling myself it's all worth it in the end."

She smiles. "I guess you're right. I mean, hey, if you weren't an idol, we wouldn't have met, right?" Right.

"Listen, Lisa - "

"No, really. I'm glad I got to meet you, Doyoon. I don't get to trust people easily due to…things in the past but…I trusted you very easily." She sits up straight, her back to me as she looked over the park. "You know, it's weird. I met you a few weeks ago but I feel like I really know you, Doyoon." I stare at the back of her head as she happily sighs, staring up at the night sky. The stars dance in the dark and the moon shines down below.

I sighed. I couldn't keep lying to her. I sat up and tapped her on her shoulder, my heart pounding in my chest. "Lisa, I need to show you something."

She turns around and her eyes are sparkling. God, she looked so happy. I couldn't do it. I can't upset her now, not when she's so overjoyed. No. I had to tell her now or I'd chicken out again. I reach out and take her hand in mine and then - palm slap, back hand slap, tower fist pump, fist pump, hand glide, thumb wrestle, kissing thumbs, jazz hands, foot shake, foot shake, twirl, high five, hold hands, spread out fingers, flutter fingers - and I end it slowly clicking my tongue and give her a slow, hesitant wink.

I meekly stare at her as she stares back, eyes wide and confused. I knew she'd know once I showed her the handshake. That sparkle is gone in her eyes is gone. Disappeared. She looks like a deer in headlights, unable to register what was happening or what to do next. She takes my hand, repeating the same hand gestures and steps I did before and then drops my hand, suddenly and quickly, as if it burned her or cut her. She slowly looks up at me and opens . She pauses, thinking and then closes again.

A few minutes later, but what feels like hours, she opens to talk again. "Doyoon...?" Her voice is barely above a whisper but her voice is ringing so loud in my ears. "You…I'm - what?"

"I promised, didn't I?" I whispered, glancing down on the ground. Still no response. "I promised we'd see each other again."

"I..." She shakes her head, scrunching her eyebrows with a frown on her lips. "You're...the same Doyoon?"

I take a deep breath. "Yes."

Her hand raises and it hovers next to my cheek. I grimace, waiting for the impact but instead she brings it back down. "All those times..." Her voice trails off. "All those times I -- I thought you trusted me! All those times I trusted you! I thought I knew you well enough! You were lying to me this entire time!" She shouts, wide and eyes wide. She's breathing hard, glancing around the park as if she didn't know where to look. As if she wanted to look anywhere but at me.

"Lisa, I'm really sorry I - "

"Sorry?" She chokes out, letting out a scoff of disbelief. "You left me years ago and you suddenly reappear and trick me into thinking you're a totally different person and you're telling me you're sorry?"

"Well, I didn't exactly trick you but - "

"But what?" She shoots. "Oh, oh, right. Right, you just led me to believe that you were a complete stranger that I spent time watching online all this time. Well what are the odds now? Doyoon, Seventeen's very own Jang Doyoon, is my childhood best friend." She catches glimpse of the paps by her house a few blocks down. "You know, if I was really pissed off, I'd go tell those photographers right now what a big phony you are." I stay quiet, trying not to provoke her. "I still can't wrap my head around it. That's such an move."

"I'm sorry," I say again.

"Look, I know you probably are but somehow, I don’t see it in my heart to forgive you just like that. You left me with a letter. A letter. And then, not another word. You disappeared. As if you weren't even real. I lost a best friend. My only best friend, Doyoon."

"I didn't mean to hurt you," I whisper.

"I'm sure that was your last intention, Doyoon, but you did it anyways." She shakes her head, sighing as she turns around, her back facing me again. "I can't believe you. You finally -- we finally meet again and you don't even have the decency to tell me that it's you." Her voice goes soft again and guilt pangs in my heart. I'd rather she be mad.

"I wanted to but I was scared you'd be mad. Or even worse, have forgotten about me."

"Forgotten about you?" She whispers, looking over her shoulder. "How could I forget about my best friend who left me without even saying goodbye properly?"

I can hear her voice starting to crack and I'm somewhat glad that I can't see her cry. "I'm sorry, Lisa."

"Don't get me wrong, Doyoon. I'm really happy that you went and accomplished your dream. But I just -- " She pauses to take several breaths. " -- I just wish I had been there for you through the journey." A dry laugh comes from her lips. "I guess I sort of already did, haven't I? Watching you on 17TV, sending in gifts and letters. I just…never knew who I was talking to. Not really."

She brings her legs to her chest and she leans her head down. "Please. Please don't cry." I rub her back, trying my best to comfort her. "I don't like it when you cry. Please, Lisa."

"Right. How selfish of me." She sniffles a bit before lifting her head again and wipes at her face before standing up. "I don't know. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh on your but...I don't know. I think...I think I'm gonna go home." She's still not looking at me but I can tell her eyes are red.

"But we didn't even eat the - "

She holds a hand up. "Maybe next time. I'm just really tired."

I stand up too. I'm panicking. She's upset. "Okay, well I'll just pack up the picnic and - "

"No, Doyoon. I'm going...I'm going to walk home alone. I need some time to think. Good night."

I can only nod while I watch her walk away. "Good night!" I call after her. She doesn't even look back. I watch her reach her house, not even bothering to hide from the photographers still camped at her house. She walks quickly, not even looking at the cameras and straight to her door, unlocking it and stepping inside. I'm pretty sure I'd hear about that in the morning.

I sit back down on the blanket, frustrated with myself. That hadn't worked as well as I hoped. At all, actually. I let out a yell, running a hand through my hair, trying to clear my head. What now? What to do…? Jand Doyoon, what have you done? I finally pack up my things, throwing out the cake and blanket in the garbage before making my way home. This was no occasion for cake.

»  "Hyung!"

I glance up as Soonyoung, Seungcheol, Chan and Jihoon comes running towards me, grinning. "How was your night with noona?" Chan asks, the other three nodding in agreement.

"Fine," I mutter, brushing past them.

They all share a confused look before following me as I walked into the living room. The large group seated in front of the TV look up at me. "How was the date?" Seungkwan sings, raising his eyebrows. "How was the romantic night?"

"Did noona like the cake?" Hansol asks, bouncing up and down on the couch. "She looks like a cheesecake person."

"We didn't eat it," I replied, walking past them and into my room. They share a few whispers and mutters which they thought I couldn’t hear (I could) before rushing behind me again.

"Hyung, did everything go okay?" Soonyoung asks me, this time, more worried than curious.

I stripped off my shirt and tugged on a white tank top and picked up a pair of clean boxers. "Look, I'm just tired. I'm going to bed, alright? Can you guys just, back off?" I ask, closing  the door to their surprised faces.

I pull off my jeans, pull on the boxers and turn off the lights before going to bed. Moments later, the door creaks open again and Seungcheol walks in, quietly as he shuts the door behind him. I shut my eyes and pretend to be asleep. I wasn't in the mood to talk. "Yah, Doyoon." I remain silent. "Whatever happened, you can talk to me about it, okay? I promise not to joke about it and help you."

I don't say anything and he sighs before changing and going to bed himself.

I told Lisa the truth but broke Bella's promise anyways. I broke a promise, along with a heart.

 AUTHOR'S NOTES 

this fanfic will be ending soon! ;;