chapter nineteen; 

                  fixed

»  It's hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.

I shrug off my sweater and throw it on the couch before sinking into a chair that sat by the dining table. Shouts of questions are still being fired at me from outside even though my door remains closed. I'm pretty sure I hadn't made such a good decision by walking in the front door but nevertheless, I don't think I really care. Memories of Doyoon flood my mind, from the past and now, present. I don't believe it. How could he just…? How could he just lead me on like that? I sigh again, growing frustrated.

"God damnit, Doyoon!" I shout into the empty house.

The house remains silent and I grow glad that no one was home except for me. I slump back in my chair, my thoughts eating my soul. I don't know why I was so stupid to have not have seen it before. They were so alike, how did I not see it? I guess that's what happens when you try so hard to push the memories of someone out of your head - you forget things, leave things out.

My mind whirrs to when Doyoon would always ask questions about...well, himself, to see if it go any gears running. Well, congratulations, the gears were running so fast, the machine had broken down. I don't know why I let my guard down so easily with Doyoon when I had barely known him other than an idol…but, he was also my friend…and…

Groaning again, I grew frustrated more and more. My blood was boiling with rage but I was also upset, confused and tired. I heard a car pull up the driveway and I guessed it was Sabrina, home from work. I closed my eyes, rubbing my forehead before retreating to my room, not wanting her to see me like this. I didn't want to deal with her questions right now - I had been asked enough on the way in. Without bothering to turn on the lights or changing, I crawl into bed, trying not to think too hard (but of course, that was impossible) and tried to get some rest if not any.

» Three days.

That was the number of days I stayed inside my house, keeping the door locked and closed. Three days was the number of days I had kept my phone on silent, refusing to answer calls from anyone. Three days was also the number of days I spent crying. I spent the days in bed, moping. God, this was worse than my first break up. But to be honest with you, I was more disappointed and hurt than upset. Disappointed that Doyoon had lied to me. About everything! He knew how I felt about him leaving and didn't even consider how I might have felt.

My parents and siblings, unaware of what had happened, often made stops by my room, asking me to eat or giving me a bowl of rice with kimchi. Frankly, I wasn't very hungry the past days except for eating the box of cookies I had stashed under my pillow. They never asked what was wrong but by their worried glances and sympathetic sighs, I could tell they knew it had to do with Doyoon. I stuffed another cookie in my mouth as I my laptop, figuring that I should check in with the world. However, the first thing I see when I open the webpage is an article. One I didn't fancy seeing.

Does the D in Doyoon stand for DUMP?

By now, it's been pretty clear that Doyoon from Seventeen was dating a mysterious stranger. But, worry no more Doyoon stans, for it seems the couple had to override some rough waves a few nights ago. Coming home with red and wet eyes, is it possible that Doyoon had called the relationship quits? It seems as if after the breakup, the two have fallen off the face of the earth, with Doyoon hardly being seen and our mysterious girlfriend (or should we say ex) not being seen at all. With Pledis remaining quiet, we can only assume that the two are no more.

Gritting my teeth, I closed the laptop and shoved it aside, sick and tired with the idol work that I had stepped foot in. Although, now that I was old news, photographers and reporters no longer hung around my house (thank god).

"Lisa?" I glance up as my dad peeks his head in my room. "There's someone on the phone for you."

"I'm not really in the mood to talk to anyone right now."

My dad hesitates. "It's Bella."

I paused, frowning. I gestured for him to hand the phone over and he does, exiting the room with one hesitate glance before he closes the door behind him. "Yoboseyo?"

"God damn it, Lisa!" Bella's aggravated tone rang in my ear. "I've been calling you every second of the past three days and texting you constantly. Do you not know how to check your phone? God. Is everything okay? I've been trying to reach you and - "

"Yes, yes, I'm fine," I interrupted with a lie.

"Come on, Lisa. I'm your best friend, not an idiot. I know everything about the whole Doyoon situation." She sighs. "How are you holding up? Can I come over?"

"How'd you know? Did you read it from the online articles or watch Entertainment Weekly?"  I asked, my voice dry and flat as I ignored her request to come over.

"Look, I know it's bad but right after the park, Doyoon called me up and told me everything that happened. He wanted to know how to fix it." Bella's voice drops to a growl. "I straight up told him that he was a and that you would be able to find someone else better and hung up. Besides, I had warned him before not to break your heart so easily like that. I called you up afterwards, hoping you'd pick up - which you didn't - and assumed that if I was in your position, I wouldn't want to talk to anyone either. I just didn't think you'd take three fricking days."

"Sorry," I manage to say as I turn on my phone, the phone company logo blinking open. I placed it aside and waited for it to turn on as I diverted my attention back to Bella. "I wasn't in the mood."

"It's alright. You're talking to me now. That's all that matters. Anyways, Doyoon calls me again the next morning, insisting that you still weren't returning his calls or texts. I told him to get a grip and that no one was getting anything from you because of his stupid actions and then hung up again, which shut him up for a few hours. But near the afternoon, he calls again. If I didn't pick up, he'd call again two minutes later. Expect double the number of phone calls I got."

I groaned as my phone opened, indeed, showing 81 missed calls and 147 texts. "You weren't kidding."

"I'm not. Expect some obnoxious text from Jordan too. He called me up to brag about how he was right about him and all, but whatever. The third day, which is yesterday, I bump into Doyoon at the super store and begs for me to hear him out. Now, don't get pissed at me when I say this but I really think that you should call him back."

I groaned for the second time. "Why the hell should I?"

"Because, I think, despite everything, he really cares about you a lot, Lisa. Although it might not look like it, he was really trying to spare your feelings. He's hurting as much as you are."

"I'm going to hang up if you keep this up," I taunt.

"Okay, okay! Yeesh, it was just a suggestion. Anyways, I didn't call to talk about Doyoon or Jordick." I stopped myself from laughing. Jordick. "Saying it out loud like that, will we ever have a nice guy as a friend?" She scoffs. "Okay, so, yeah, there's going to be a party tonight at Victoria's place. I say let's go to shake off your heart, yeah?"

"I don't know, Bells. I'm not in the best party mood right now."

"So, let's get you into the party mood. I won't go without you." I try to think of a excuse but I can't think of a reasonable one. I reluctantly sigh, which to Bella, means it’s a yes. She squeals and says, "I'll come by at 7:00 to pick you up, okay?" before hanging up.

I sighed, hung up as well and catch sight of myself in the mirror. I grimace, staring at my messy bed hair full of knots and my red stuffy nose. My eyes were swollen and puffy (also considerably red). Yikes, looks like I had a lot of work to do.

» At 7:30, Bella and I arrive at the party, greeting friends and classmates who glanced at me with a curious gleam in their eye. I tried my best to ignore it but then I saw a familiar brown haired figure. I gulp, paniking. "Bella, he's here," I whispered, turning my head to the side so I wouldn't make it obvious.

"What? Where? Who?" Bella asks, glancing around the room frantically.

"Him. Doyoon."

"What? Where?"

"By the stereo," I continued.

"What?"

"Bella," I hissed. "Look, you can stay if you want but I'm going to go home before he sees - "

"Lisa!" Fantastic. Doyoon jogs up to the two of us and meekly smiles at Bella before facing me. "Can I talk to you? Alone?" A few pairs of eyes had already landed on us, a few at me and a few (mostly girls) staring at Doyoon. Of course, he was an idol after all.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, trying my best to not come off as rude.

"Bella - "

"Bella invited you?" I asked, turning around to glare at Bella who groaned, muttering a quiet 'idiot'.

"Lisa, you can't just hide from him forever. Go talk with him to straighten things out, okay?" Bella suggests, giving me a desperate look.

"I can't believe you," I mutter at her before turning back to Doyoon. "I can't believe you."

"Lisa, please," he whispers, eyeing the people around us who were beginning to listen in on our conversation and staring. I was trapped. If I made a scene, it would ruin my rep, let alone his. Doyoon gestures for me to follow him and I do, shooting Bella another glare before headed out the door.

Doyoon closes the door behind us, muffling the loud dance music and people before turning to face me. I ignore him, leaning over the ledge of the rails as I stared out the quiet streets, dimly lit by the street lights. The driveway is filled with cars and a trail of more cars ran all the way till the end of the block. Victoria was always one to go big or go home. Doyoon copies my action and leans against the rail next to me and we remain silent before I can't stand it any longer.

"Well?" I demand.

"Well, what?" He asks, surprised.

"You asked if you could speak to me alone and now I'm alone and you're not speaking," I shoot, folding my arms across my chest. "So? Well? What is it?"

He takes a breath. "Lisa, I'm really sorry. I know my words might not be enough but I really, truly am. Not having you by my side for three years is bad but having you right here in front of me and pissed off at me is even worse." He pauses, gesturing for me to wait as he runs down the front steps.

"Wha - " He circles the front steps and picks up something, hiding it behind his back before walking back up towards me. He pulls out a stack of white envelopes that were tied together with a string from behind his back. He holds it out to me and I take a withering glance at it before staring back up at him. "What's that?"

"From the moment that I left to the moment I returned." He holds the envelopes to me again. "I wrote a letter to you whenever I could but I always got too chicken to sending it, thinking that you'd be too mad to reply to even read my letters. There wasn't a day where I didn't think of you, Lisa."

I stare at him for a moment before cautiously holding onto the package. "Sure, I was mad but I would have replied anyways," I admitted, examining the envelopes. There must have been around 100 letters. I pick out the one on top, labeled August 29th, 2009 and rip open the letter.

He reaches for my hand and brings my hands down. "Please don't read them here. Some of them are pretty sappy and I don't want to be around when you read them." I nod, respecting his wants before looking back up at him. "Look, you don't have to forgive me but I really am sorry. For everything."

I stare back up at him and felt my heart jump out of my chest. He looks tired, his eyes dark and the bags under his eyes certainly weren't designer. His hair was worn out, ruffled and a mess. I really thought that I hated him with all my guts but now that I'm looking at him again, all I see is a friend. My best friend. Not sure if I was going to regret it or not, I heave a sigh and rub my forehead. "I know you are. Sorry, I mean. I guess I'm sorry too for being a up stuck whiner but you really did hurt me, Doyoon."

He runs a hand through his hair. "I know, I know."

"So," my voice trails in the air, "I say you owe me one."

He laughs lightly, sounding relieved. "Yes, anything." I smiled too, it was a small one, but still, a smile.

»  That night I stay locked in my room again, engrossed with the letters Doyoon had handed to me. You can see his character change through every letter - not big changes but small ones like how he started to like to play tennis and the nicknames that he had been receiving like the male Lizzy (which I wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not). He writes that at one point, he's dedicated to try and change his habit of being a picky eater but a few letters later, he's complaining about having to eat vegetables at dinner. Doyoon really hadn't changed at all. He was the same stubborn diva I knew from the past.

"Lisa, it's two in the morning," my mother says, peeking her head in. "You should get some rest."

I nod, clearing off my bed before asking my mom to turn off the lights for me as I climbed under the covers. I lay awake, my mind a little bit clearer than before. So much had happened these past few weeks. I glance at the pile of letters sitting at the bottom of my bed and let out a small laugh before turning over on my side.

Letter after letter, Doyoon records his life as it gradually grows more complicated with more and more things happening to him. But one letter catches my eye specifically, which was the letter I now kept under my pillow. I pull it out again, turning on my desk light and read it again for the 14th time tonight in the dim light.

Dear Lisa,

I realize it's kind of ironic, don't you think? To leave with a letter and then spend the rest of my life writing to you…by letter. Although, you'll never get to see any of them. I'm getting tired of going, "dear Lisa" and getting no reply. I want to call you up and go, "yoboseyo, Lisa!" or even, "saranghaeyo, Lisa!" and hearing the same response coming from you. I miss your voice a lot but I called your number once, on impulse, only to hear the number was busy. Are you very busy now? Or did you get a new number?

Jisoo, the new addition to Seventeen, who also goes by Joshee (or something like that), tells me of his school back home. He comes from America and can speak English very well. I asked him if he still keeps contact with his friends back home and he tells me he emails them whenever he can. I ask him, "isn't it hard with the distance and everything?" but he just shakes his head and says if the friendship is strong enough, it can overcome anything - even distance. It makes me a little sad but I guess he has a point.

I have too many questions that don't have answers. You always knew what to say. I miss you more than ever, now. I guess the saying is true: you never know what you have until it's gone. Since we're confessing now, I'd like to confess that yes, I was the one who hid all the blue crayons. Even when I was young, I was pretty good at flirting, don't you think? ㅋㅋㅋ

This is probably been the fiftieth letter I'm writing to you although I probably have no intention of sending it. I don't know why but something scares me more than you being mad at me and that’s you forgetting me. I think that's why I'm so scared to reconnect with you. What if you go, Jang Doyoon? Who? My parents told me that they often see you with a guy and a girl. It worries me if you have new friends to replace me but on the other hand, I don't want you to mope around with me being gone. (Or were you waiting for me to leave?) Who knows when we'll be able to see each other again? I hope it's soon.

I've said it before, I'll say it again! I will debut with Seventeen and make you proud. Only then, when I am successful, will I contact you. I am working hard every day in hopes of meeting you again one day by a tour or fansigning or something. But something that also worries me is that if you will not be a Seventeen fan. I don't know what I'll do if you're not a fan. Speaking of, are you still a SHINee fan? I heard about Jonghyun sunbaenim and the car accident. I always forget to ask you (but I guess you're never actually going to answer since it seems like 'Lisa' is an imaginary friend now). Anyways, as I was saying, you might forget me at one point in your life, I will never forget you.

I wish you were here, Lisa.

Yours Truly, Doyoon.

I turn off the lamp, putting the letter back under my pillow before I fall asleep with a smile on my face.

 AUTHOR'S NOTES 

ok yes the fic is done ;; lisa and doyoon live happily ever after??? idk i'll leave that for you to figure out

in other news the 17 SHOW was today!! did anyone watch?? wonwoos hair looks vvvv nice and it made me vvvv sad, also because season three has come to an end! but there is season four to look forward to!! ((although idk if ill be watching bc ugh school))

ok yES SO ANYWAYS thank you vvv much for reading! ill be staring a new fic sometime soon i think but till then, you can read my one shot collection! you can also follow my twitter and/or tumblr to keep in contact :~) thanks again amigos and amigas! see you real soooooooooooooon