(i freaking love this band. mad awesome songs n lyrics that never fail to make me ponder life)           "What do you mean, if I want to go back there?" I stared at them, puzzled.   "You don't seem like you're happy here."   "But... I am. Of course I am happy to be here. You both are here with me." Guilt crept inside me as thoughts that even myself probably never really acknowledge, been stripped down by them; my parents. I felt embarrassed, exposed. Did I really appear so miserable? Hadn't I been living my life wholesomely here? Did I really look that unhappy? Didn't I belong here?   "We've forgotten the fact that you grew up most part of your life over there, and asking you to suddenly come back here and leave all those years behind, might be hard for you to adjust again." She sighed, adding to my guilt. The last thing I want to do is make my parents felt unloved. Because that's not true. And yet, I couldn't entirely agree to her words either.    It wasn't just about adjusting and leaving the past or lifestyle I've gotten accustomed to.   It's about the person I left behind but never really diminished from my view.   It's about willingness to let go to adapt with life changes, but the heart unable to move along with the body and the mind.   It's about failure to overcome fears, decide what I really want and take actions at the right time, until it's too late to do anything but to just continue living, because that's the only thing left to do.   Living for the rest of my life, wondering, speculating, guessing, imagining...was that how I really want to continue living?   "Why don't you go do whatever you want there? You can always come back here. This is your home. You can come back whenever you want. Besides, you can find your own money to buy your flight tickets now, right, son?" He chuckled. My dad, whom I only realized, had been collecting more wrinkles and some grey hair than before. I only noticed now, when I had been back, living here for two years. Where had I left my eyes? How come I greet them everyday yet couldn't notice all these changes?     It was not an offer I couldn't resist. It was an offer I had to take, in order to not continue ruining my life, and to not continue worrying the people I love here. In order to make sure he really is living good even without me. What if he lied again? What if he's letting himself being battered, destructed again? And even if he's doing fine...the flowers, the birthday gift from three years ago was left there. It might be too late, but I had asked my aunt's favour to take care of it before coming here. I need to at least get it back with me.    The truth is, I wasn't sure which of the excuse would sound the most reasonable. I just knew I had to go back. I just wanted to see him again. And now, nothing could stop me.       I breathed heavily, unsure of how to break the news to Hyungsik and his parents. But I had done the mistake once, and I couldn't repeat the mistake - the pains, of leaving someone who believed you'd always be there, just like that, in the dark. No matter how hard, I had to tell him myself.     "When will you come back here?" His mother calmly asked.   "I...actually I'm not sure when. There's someone I need to find there, someone I've probably hurt badly." 'Or maybe not.'   I could only meet her eyes briefly before my eyes shrunk down in guilt and embarrassment, for telling more than I should. Ever since I've decided to go back, it had been hard to contain my feelings, and I kept pouring it to the wrong people, at the wrong time. I didn't care, I was overwhelmed at the thought of being back there very soon, back in his lawn, watching him tending to his flowers. Surely three years would have his garden growing bigger, prettier.   "Then just go. We will find the right time and way to tell Hyungsik."   "No, I need to tell him myself, or he will be hurt that I leave without even telling."   "Listen to me. He will be even more hurt if you go tell him now. He might not even let you go."   "But..." I wanted to tell her that Hyungsik wouldn't do that. That Hyungsik would understand if I gently explain to him. I didn't know if he really would understand, but I hoped he would.   "If that person isn't that important and you're willing to risk the chance of going back there, then you can go in and find Hyungsik, that's all I can say."   Unfortunately, as much as I cherish our bond, the answer to her choices was clear. This couldn't be a mistake, I told myself.        "Kevin? You're really Kevin? Weren't you back in your hometown?"   "Well..." I shrugged and grinned. "I'm back, I guess."   I expected for such a conversation to take place. But no, it didn't and it wouldn't.   When the back door was pulled open from inside after quite some while passed, an unfamiliar face greeted cautiously.    "Yes...? Why did you knock on my back door?"   "Uhh...is...is Kwanghee at home?"   "Kwanghee?" The person repeated and frowned.    Soon enough I learnt that they had moved out. His entire family. I waited anxiously for my aunt and her husband to get back from work, and greeted them without much enthusiasm, as my mind was obviously too preoccupied. And the wait proved to be futile, as they barely had any knowledge about the reason Kwanghee parents moved nor their new address. But how come? They could at least show some warmth and care for a neighbour who's moving away from their lives. Or is this how normal adult relationships supposed to be? Be friendly at one point, and the next moment, act like strangers?   There was one thing I learnt from the visit to their home that evening before going to find my own place to stay the next day. The plant I received on my birthday was no longer inside the room I used to slept in. Almost everything about the room remain unchanged, but the plant. By then I had