September 19, 1997; Fall   Hi, new book. Ugh, if anybody find this...I'd be so dead. They would make fun of me for writing diary. Whatever, it's not like they would talk to me anyway. Omma scold me for not helping her clean the house and cook, because she wanted to invite the neighbour to come. She said there's a new kid who could be my friend. Huh. Yeah, right. That kid would be just like any other kid anyway. They don't want to be my friend. I don't need them. Now that I ruined Omma's plan, I don't have to be nice to yet another kid who would only talk bad at the back. But I saw a weird kid this evening, at the next door's house. The new kid Omma was talking about, I guess. He's scary. He kept staring, and he had this...idiot grin. What if he's a new bully looking for victim, and he had found one?! T^T. But...he didn't look like that kind of kid. I don't know. Whatever. I probably will see him in school next week.      December 10, 1997; Winter   There's a new kid in school! He came last week. But as usual, he didn't like me. Not to mention, rude. But Omma always say that if you be nice and friendly to everyone, eventually they will accept you and be your friend in the end, so I can't give up. And speaking of new kid, that weird foreigner kid, stared at me in class again! He thought I wouldn't know just because he sits at the back. Ugh, what is wrong with him? Did I owe him something? Weirdo. But somehow, he's always alone. And he's always only eating some packet biscuits it's ridiculous. That next door ahjumma and ahjussi looked sophisticated. Can't they give him something better to eat? How would he survive eating that thing for the whole day? Did he even get to eat anything at home? ...why am I writing about him again, anyway? Oh well, it's time to sleep. Goodnight! Let's hope for a better day, tomorrow!   ***   April 13, 1998, Spring   I'm starting to wonder if that weirdo is so quiet because he's mute or he just doesn't speak Korean. Sometimes I saw some kids talking to him, but the conversation would last less than thirty seconds. He must be really a weirdo. And I can't believe he's still eating those stupid biscuits. Anyway, he is just weird. But interesting.just a little. I can't believe he still doesn't have a friend. Minwoo had an army of fangirls already. The weird thing is, there's nothing inferior about him. He's much better looking.(even if he looks like an idiot whenever he smiles) These girls must be blind. Whatever. I guess it's because Minwoo is cool and always show off his dancing. There's an English carnival. And I registered to take part, even though I'd rather spend those time at home. Appa brought home some new seeds his friend in Japan gave. I can't wait to plant them. Strangely, that weirdo doesn't even take part in the carnival. I thought he only knew to speak English. Oh well...     July 2, 1998; Summer   Hot...hot...I'm going to die if it keeps being this hot. Omma got angry yesterday because I didn't want to bring fried rice to school anymore and ask her to make ice cream. Kekeke. She said I need to learn to be grateful. Actually, I just like making her angry. At least that would make her talk to me. But she said she's not going to make me anymore food to take to school and told me to prepare my own lunch since I don't want the fried rice. Omma...I was just joking you know T^T. Good thing I know how to make sandwiches. Fine! I can make my own lunchboxes, hmp. I haven't seen that weirdo much lately. He didn't come to school yesterday and today. Was he sick? Yeah, that won't be surprising since he looks so weak like he could be blown away by wind easily. I mean, with the kind of things he ate...ugh. Should I make extra food for him then? But it's not like we had ever talk. He would become weirder if I suddenly talk to him. You know what? Whatever. I should be happy that I'm getting a break from being stalked. But it feels weird. Should I go visit the next door to see if he's sick or still alive? No...forget it.   It's so hot, Appa needs to install aircond in the house. Why are they so stingy and pretended to want to be eco-friendly? T^T. We're not that poor you know?     October 22, 1998; Fall   The weather is so cold lately...the wind blows harder. Winter is near I guess. Ok, cut the crap. Something crazy happened! >< And I was just about to stop doing this stupid thing of bringing extra food to school everyday, because Omma gets suspicious seeing me eat sandwiches in the evening and asked if I didn't eat them at school. How am I supposed to tell her that I made more than I could eat everyday. causing her breads and supplies to run out fast, because of a certain starving weird freak who remained a weird stalkerish freak? He doesn't seem like a bad person, really. But I'm afraid he would turn out to be one, once I start talking to him. So, it might as well remain this way. Today turned out to be just another normal day...until... THAT WEIRDO TALKED TO ME! AND THE FIRST THING HE SAID WAS THAT HE WANTED TO BE FRIENDS! Did Santa came down early? Wait...I did not say that. Whatever. But this is definitely something worth writing about since nobody had ever want to be my friend anyway. I would never thought of all people, it would be him-that creepy weirdo stalker. But something about him is just so eerily awkward. Okay, everything. So much that I get tensed and just angry and snappy everytime he's looking. And now, he's finally talking and even want to be friends? How the hell am I going to keep calm and be nice if he's going to keep being creepy weirdo? Ugghhhh. Whatever. At least I don't have to eat sandwiches twice a day today. Sorry Omma but your food supplies are going to be decreasing faster, if that weirdo really meant what he said. Maybe I should ask Omma to make ice-cream tomorrow. Kekeke.   Forget it. I forgot the weather is cold now. What is wrong with me. I'm going crazy. I should stop writing in this stupid book and go to sleep. Goodnight^^! Wow I can't believe now I have a friend? Haha, that's just weird ><.   ***   October 2, 1999; Fall   Today I'm planting my first tulips. Appa gave the bulbs as late birthday present he said. Yeah whatever. Excuse for forgetting my birthday some months ago. LOL. Not that we celebrate it that much anyway. As usual, that weirdo would come by even when I'm busy. Can't you like...let me concentrate? Not that he said anything...but still...T^T. I just hope he won't ask for stupid thing when this flower grows. Remember last June he asked for a rose, like duh...is he gay or something? Boys don't give flowers to boys. Creep. Oh wait...I forgot there's a test this Monday, and I haven't study...ahhh, well. I'll just get some sleep first.   ***   April 20, 2000; Spring   Minu called me gay again. I really hate it. I mean I don't mind if it wouldn't affect other people, but when he said that, obviously he has another target. That idiot is straight as stick. Or I don't know...he's definitely not gay, but i doubt he likes girls either. Or even animals. He's just awkward. LOL. There's this new girl everyone's so crazy about. But she's so aloof and doesn't speak to anyone. Maybe I should get close to her and teach Minu a lesson? Show him who's boss. Haa. But I don't know...she's always in her ballet studio. There's no way I can approach her, is there?     May 3, 2000; Spring   It's official. That dude is crazy. He registered for us to be in the ballet club, yesterday T_T. Can you just imagine the embarrassment? But I knew he must've done that because I asked him about it the other day. I feel bad for him because his classmates would surely make fun of him about it...why are you so stupid? But strangely, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. And Krystal was actually a nice girl. She's kind of friendly (though not when the idiot is around), and her smile is beautiful. And she's hardworking in her practice. She's really admirable. Maybe we could really be friends.     May 18, 2000; Spring   Today is the first time I saw Kevin got angry. And he's scary when angry T^T. I don't know if I'm more hurt by Krystal's words or to discover that he would slap such a pretty girl because of me. Somehow, it made me scared...I have headache now. Gotta stop. Good night.   *** ***   December 1, 2002; Winter   Finally I went to the audition. I'm relieved Omma was understanding and supportive enough though she asked to keep the reason from Appa. Because Appa really hate adults who couldn't take care of their kids. He's just a traditional dad after all. He probably wouldn't understand Kevin's situation. If his parents didn't care about him, they wouldn't have sent him here to live comfortably, far from their money crisis. His aunt and uncle on the other hand...well, it's not like he's their son. So, they maybe just didn't care that much. Anyway, I'm surprised I made it in, despite being ugly T^T. I even met a new friend. Junyoung is sooo handsome, and didn't seem like a school kid at all. He's just so cool and charming and friendly. I almost died. I was just wow...I feel like a loser next to him because he's perfect in everything. Something weird happen though. Well, I don't feel like talking about it here. It's not something I want to remember. So...yeah.     December 24, 2002; Winter   Today had been a really exhausting day. I don't feel like writing...but...okay, since I can't sleep though I had lay down for the past half an hour, fine. I met with Kevin's aunt today. I was nervous as heck. I asked Omma to help me talk to her but she said I should do it since I was the one who decided on this. Ugh. Fine. So I did. But she refused to take the money. T^T. Well, that's fine as long as...she didn't send him away. Come on, he's my only friend. What will I be left with if they take him away? I can't believe I actually cried in front of her. How embarrassing. Omma must've know the worst timing to bully me because then she invited them for dinner. Ugh. I couldn't even face her again after this evening and had to kept myself busy. Pabo Omma. And that weirdo just had to continue being a weirdo because that's what he's so good at. First he held my hands, and even though there's nothing strange with that, because he's a weirdo, it felt so awkward I thought I could die there and then. Then, he asked me to call him idiot. Someone lost another brain socket. Even though he really is an idiot. Whatever, I'm going to try sleep again now.   *** ***   June 30, 2004; Summer   I messed up in baking class again. How annoying. Why am I bad at everything? And why is Kevin so good at everything? He's good looking, well mannered, good at studies, can dance well(though not a show off like Minu), can even cook well...and you know...everything. Even his awkwardness is charming. I want to be good at something too. So I'd be good enough to walk with him without feeling like crap. And guess what...I saw him hanging out with Kim Dongjun. Everyone knows that guy. Maybe except for some idiot who wasn't aware that he was approached by the most popular sportsman in school, asking for him to join some sports. That's some great attention he got. I guess finally he will get a taste of popularity. Well, good for him. Whatever.     August 21, 2004; Summer   I had been so happy the past week. The teacher and everyone had been praising me for that brilliant recipe...which would've been launched today. Except that...he didn't came, and on an impulse, I destroyed everything. Mrs. Lee was so angry, because she just wanted to impress the principal anyway. Huh. Well, he promised he would come, but he didn't. But I still couldn't get mad. He's now a popular sports figure too. Everyone's talking about him. "That new archer guy." I'm so proud everytime I hear them talking about him - my friend. He was even participating in a big scale competition at the time. While I...even if I could come up with this useless recipe, I'm still lacking so much compared to him. It's okay. Things will be okay. Even though I'm not sure what will happen in school next week, now that they're angry at me. You know what? Whatever. I've had a long day today.     August 25, 2004; Summer   I can't believe that idiot made a birthday party for me. And there's even Yoojin. She was a fatty bully back in kindergarten lol. The only reason she didn't bully me was because I gave her my food one day when her food fell down and she cried like crazy. I never thought we're in the same school all these while. Well, it's not like we're such close friends anyway. At least she's still nice. And no longer a fatty, in fact she's so fit now(probably has more muscles than me -_-). And Dongjun turned out to be a nice kid too. And they're great talented sports people with great personalities and looks, I guess, Kevin looks more matching in their company. But when he was apologizing, he's just like that weirdo he used to be, not the star athlete he is now. Well, it was a great birthday though.   ***   February 23, 2005; Winter   Today is Kevin's birthday. And he's still bedridden. I didn't know why he's so weak when I'm still alright even though I had to go back to clean the school everyday in the evening, after going home earlier, to avoid that idiot from getting suspicious and blame himself again. The last thing I wanted is for him to sympathize with me and felt guilty. It's not like he asked me to throw the cakes anyway. Hmm...I was hoping the lame gift would make him happy since I'm sick of hearing him asking for all my flowers all the time ><...but instead...he went crazy. He...cried. And said strange things... ...did he, found out anything? I hope not.    Then, he said even stranger things...that he...loved me, and won't ever leave...he even yelled calling me idiot T.T    I must've gone crazy...because hearing such weird things actually...made me feel weird and...uhh...happy? I thought I was losing him when he kept hanging around with Dongjun n Yoojin all the time. They're cooler people anyway. There never was anyone else who ever wanted to be my friend. There never was anyone else who's anywhere near as nice as him anyway. I was lucky that such a person was willing to be my friend. Who needs many friends if you can have one as nice as him? But seeing him with them made me want to prepare myself for when he eventually leave. But now...I don't know what to think anymore. I was so nervous when he was crying just now I could just die. But...I want to believe. No I don't want to. But I want to. Whatever. Why am I writing so long pointless thing? Ugh.   Happy Birthday idiot.   ***     January 20, 2006; Winter   It's been almost a month since he went. I didn't think anything at first. I was happy for him to be reunited for a holiday with his family. But today...I received a letter, a parcel to be exact. With so many gifts and souvenirs. Everything, but him. And there, in the freaking short letter, he only said he's not coming back. He's going to stay with his parents. And that he's sorry. Not coming back. Disappear just like that. Sorry. He must've been so happy and relieved to escape from here to suddenly disappear with merely those words. Wow...   I guess, that leaves me as the real idiot.   Idiot for believing an idiot who really was just talking without thinking. Is it my fault that I believed him? He was a good person. He was like an angel. No, even more. He would never lie. I trusted him more than Omma. More than Appa.    More than myself.   Well...good for him...I guess.   Whatever.     May 24, 2006; Spring   I can't go on anymore. I should be used to being alone already...I never had any friends even since...forever. But now...whenever they made fun of me, I feel lost. I feel like I'm going crazy. And I had no one to talk to. That's the very reason they made fun of me. I don't want to do anything. But Omma asked me to plant flowers for her again. Why now?!!! I was doing what she asked for this evening...and then I started talking. I started talking to that idiot! I talked about the flowers. I was talking to nobody. I still forgot he won't be at the door reading his stupid books. Even after his aunt said that he's doing well back there. He never even want to be here anyway in the first place. He only came because he had no other friend and I was the easy target. Stupid. I'm just stupid. He's so smart. I hate him.     November 10, 2006; Fall   I heard something funny today. That bastard was picking a fight again, so I gave him what he wanted. Who knew he's such a wimp that only after getting a blow, he made a big fuss. And he had to brought up of all people...that idiot. They really had fun using him to get at me didn't they? Even he had fun leaving for good after using me for so long. After promising. After making me believe something I never wanted to believe. It was all my fault. I was the stupid one to let myself believe. Stupid! I hate myself enough. But that bastard had to say the obvious. That he left because I was so ugly...and that not even any amount of plastic surgery can make me look better and that he had suffered for so long pretending to be nice. I was so angry. Because he's not like that. My friend wasn't that kind of jerk. I shouldn't have beaten up that bastard even more. Omma was so mad. My friend may be a weirdo, an idiot. But he's not that type of person.    But if that's not the case...then why did he left just like that? He never came back even once, and he never said he would come either. I must've been really too ugly and embarrassing. Maybe the love he said was guilt after all. I'm just so stupid. It was all my fault. I knew it was impossible for someone as perfect as him to want to be my friend...but I was too selfish to turned him down. I'm just an idiot.     December 19, 2006; Winter   I don't want to live anymore.   ***   March 17, 2007; Spring   Im Siwan ssi and Kim Yewon ssi came to visit. They're so nice. But they really shouldn't have saved me. Now Omma has become more watchful than ever. She kept nagging now.      August 31, 2007; Summer   Appa and Omma suddenly talk about moving to Japan next month. What the hell.    Wait.    I should be happy. To go far away. But Fall is coming. I can't leave now. Siwan ssi has taught me a lot. He may look like a little boy. But he's so wise. He said I shouldn't live avenging after the past. And that if the memories are happy, then they should be cherished even if the present changed. That if I really had no expectation, I shouldn't be disappointed. I shouldn't be vengeful and take it out on myself and other people.    He was right.    There never was any bad feelings when he left. I should act the way I was when he went away. To think of it, I never did have expectation in the first place. I shouldn't have let it grown. Or everything wouldn't have turned out badly. Nothing would. I was happy. In fact, I'm happiest during Fall. It was the time a friend was sent to me for a few years, and I should cherish the good times and...let go. But it's still hard. It's okay. I can do it. I can't go to Japan now. If I go, I can't talk to Siwan ssi anymore. He's the only person who gives good advices, even without having to know everything. He's a genius.   ***   June 24, 2008; Summer   Aish, this Heechul kid. He's barely here for a few days and he's already complaining about my cooking? Seriously. But somehow...he reminds me of myself. Even though our situation were completely different. He was left all alone. There's nobody who understood his dream. I didn't either. But I knew that feeling. Nobody would understand me either.    I went back home to collect some letters, but Kevin's aunt came. She said, ...he's back. Working in radio station. Ariyang. Huh. So successful huh. She even gave his contact number and office address. Why should I bother go look for a liar who come and go as he like? Why should I look for him? If he wanted to, he'd have find me. Of course he won't. He already would have more successful fr