note: words/letters in brown+talic=flashback scene just in case you get confused.       That morning, contrary to the weather forecast, it rained, not heavy, just slight drizzle, but enough to caused traffic jam. Unexpected turn of event, no matter how big or small, it would still definitely change something. That's how life is. And just like how we struggle to deal with changes in life we're never prepared for, in the end, we'll carry on with what life had planned for us.   Even though it rained that morning, and the traffic became slow, it didn't change my plan, or rather, destination for the day.     "Kevin, I'm so sorry again that I couldn't make it. The traffic is atrocious and I need to catch my flight.You know I need to attend that annoying conference and then make preparations, we only have like one week to prepare everything. Time moves so fast when you're busy."   "Yeah. It's okay."   "When you meet your friend, tell him I said hi and that I love him and I'd love to go out on a drink with him and get to know him sometime. Just the two of us, without your disturbance."   "Hmm...okay. I'll tell him that."   "Really?"   "Yes."   "You're not jealous at all?" The pitch of her usually husky voice just went up all of a sudden, causing me to distanced the receiver slightly away from my ear.   "No." I had to laugh at the disappointed remark that followed. Even if it was hard.   "Then maybe I can just marry your friend, you know?"    "You can try to, if you want."   Then there were voices in her background.   "Ommo, I gotta hang up now. See you later."   "Okay."   "I love you!"   I turned off the call. It still weirded me out to have someone saying she loves me everytime ending phonecalls, especially when we had met face to face less than ten times in the past few months since we were first introduced by Mum. Well, four to be exact. I didn't even know why I agreed to the idea of marriage. Maybe seeing how my parents lighten up so much in her presence, and how my mother seemed reluctant to see her leave back to her home in Canada, the last time she came to visit made me realized that it had been awhile since I made them smile. I didn't even know how to smile genuinely anymore. But she had so much energy in her to make people smile. Frankly, I was surprised myself when she agreed to the idea as well. I was actually expecting for the opposite. But I was wrong. Well, it was too late to change the decision. After all, it couldn't be that bad, could it? Mum and Dad had been too worried about me, and a perfect daughter in law is all they need to be comforted, since they wouldn't listen when I said I was okay.   Maybe it was because they knew afterall, that I wasn't okay. Nothing was okay. But at least I strived to keep moving forward, just as he always ordered me to.   When I arrived, it was no longer raining. But the air was damp. And there were fallen leaves everywhere just right outside the gate as I entered the place. I made my way across other silent lonesome souls to reach him.     "Hey Kwanghee. I'm here." I felt my own voice shaking and tried to control myself so he wouldn't notice it.   "Are you... mad...because it took me so long to see you?"   "Of course you're not, right?     "Last year...after that...you know,...I went back to my parents. I was scared and confused and upset and...you know...I waited impatiently for the day I could meet you again...everyday, I'd just woke up feeling disappointed. One day, I thought of cutting the journey short...but then, I was scared that even afterwards, I still wouldn't see you. I was a coward anyway. You know that. And I knew the only way I could make sure to meet you is by coming here."   "So...I came back here during Winter and wanted to come, but it reminded me of the first Christmas with your family. It was the first time I saw them laugh and being carefree - my aunt and her husband. And your parents...the perfect image of a happy family. And the first time I felt that I was important, somehow. The first time I was overwhelmed by so many feelings in such a short span of time-confusion, upset, pathetic, helpless, worried, hopeful, happy among others. But the mixture of all those feelings had made the Winter so much warmer than any Winter before. And I was scared if I come, it'd ruin that warm memory of Winter I had, so I told myself, I'd come when Spring comes. But Spring turned out worse. It reminded me of all the flowers you planted, while I was only good at watching. Even though you planted flowers all year long, obviously it was during Spring you're the busiest with them. The thought of placing flowers for you, when you couldn't do anything to make them prettier and healthier, or admire them, or inhale their scents, or talk about them all the time, made me sick. I couldn't bring myself to come. So I waited for Summer. But Summer was a season you hated. And there were just too many memories carved in Summer. Too many pain too. I thought that maybe, I should avoid adding things that could make you hate Summer even more,or things that made myself hate Summer."   "Then Autumn came. And I'm here."   "Many things have happened. Well, actually...barely nothing happened. I'm...sorry i couldn't do most of the things you ordered in your stupid letter. But I'm trying. I still am. What else could I do for you anymore?"     'If you are reading this stupid letter, it means I'm gone. And you're cursing me. (admit it)   Well...it wasn't an easy decision. If that makes you feel better. But I don't want to leave without telling. Because being left in the dark, not knowing, hurts. I know that feeling. That's why I had to at least leave this letter. If I didn't use this method, ...I don't know how else to do it. I don't know if I'll be able to go. I might feel too guilty.   Many times, I made decisions without thinking it over carefully. I think yesterday was just one of those stupid careless thing I did without thinking rationally. I don't know if I should apologize. I'm just saying, this time, I'm not coming back here again probably. So please don't wait or look for me. You seriously need to learn to live independently, because in this life, no matter what...we end up alone anyway. It's the same for everyone. Many people choose to look for short time of happiness even though they know in the end, they'll be alone anyway. I've tried adopting that mindset too, some years ago. But it hurt too much when you're left alone at the end after letting yourself living without preparation for such hurt before it came without warning. People might say I'm too dramatic, but I choose to live, I need to live, no...I want to live. Help me to live. By living well and not doing anything stupid or wasting time waiting or looking for me. Just, don't. I can't offer more explanation...because there's nothing worth explaining anyway. I want to ask you to not get angry and not hate me, but I have no rights to ask for anything. I can't ask you to forget anything either...that's like...asking for you to get amnesia. That's kind of, crazy to ask for, right? Though I'd appreciate if you could just well, forget. Because then, maybe if our paths crossed again in some ways in a distant future, it won't be too awkward for you.   But, don't wait. Because I'm going to go around the world and do many great things for myself. I expect you do the same for yourself. Maybe when I get tired I'll settle down somewhere and build a family.   And even though I know I have no rights to ask for this either, but I'm sorry. Good luck and keep moving forward. Thank you for being my friend all these years. I don't think I can ever find a better friend in a lifetime. So, don't blame yourself for anything. I'm no longer a kid now, I make my own decision. Bye and take care. Live well, friend.'     "I'm sorry I ruined your plan to go around the world and do great things. But I'm sure you're doing many great things in your place, even now, right? Nothing ever hold you back. I thought I could, I thought I would, but you really were thinking of leaving again. I thought it'd be great if I could stop you from going away, but in the end I only made you went farther and unreachable anymore."     "I'm sorry I haven't move forward that much and do many great things for myself even though it's been over a year. I bet my idea of great things are so different than yours anyway."   "I'm sorry I...can't promise anything. The things you asked for...they're too much. Honestly...but I'm trying."   "In fact, I was about to introduce you to Sera, ...my fiancee. Future wife in one week's time...whatever you call it. Happy? But she's busy and couldn't make it today. She said she wanted to go out with you and marry you instead though. Huh...funny, right? Don't feel bad. She would change her mind once she meets you, well... even if you still could, I mean. Are you mad now? So, why don't you get out of there and take revenge then? Stupid huh?...of course you won't. Even if you can, you won't."     "But there's something I really want to know."     "Uhh...Kevin ssi?"   I stood up and turned around. "Oh...you're...uhh..." I knew her. It's just that the name wouldn't come to me.   "I'm Kim Yewon...Kwanghee's...umm, colleague. We've met once...I mean, twice, or more, I think."   "Oh, yeah...of course I know you." I bowed.   "And I think you already know it, but no, I wasn't really his girlfriend. He's just...idiot." She smiled.   "No, he's not. He's just...clear about his own life. Unlike many of us." Who did she think she was to call my friend an idiot?   "No, he's just too much of a coward. An idiot. He thinks if he's hurt once, it'd only turn out the same every time. No, he knows he's an idiot to think that way, he just wouldn't change the way he think. He's too scared to give a chance to himself. You remember what I said on the funeral day?"   I took a deep breath, still feeling unprepared whenever words that indicate the reality was brought upon.       The day of his...departure, there weren't many people. There weren't many wailings and cries, but the mood was no less gloomy than any other funeral I would imagine. Strange, that the first funeral I ever attended in my life happened to be of all people, him. Since I grew up far away from my family, I never had to attend any relatives' funerals if there was any I was unaware of. But I would never imagine that the first one would be of the boy whom I grew up with, the boy whom I ate in silence with; the boy I would walk home from school with, the boy who would always rant about his days or nag at me, or amuse himself noisily, but turned completely silent and serious when tending to his flowers. Even then, it was hard to believe, that I ended up in daze most of the time, like watching a blank piece of canvas, no words or thoughts were produced.   Maybe except for the thoughts of the contents of that letter given by one of the hospital's nurse who attended to him, and participated in futile attempt with the other nurses and doctors to try save his life, a year ago.   The letter he was planning to left before running away again. And strangely, even though things didn't go as he planned, the letter's content still could be applied.     But this small girl, Kim Yewon, she cried the hardest, on that day. It was impossible to not notice when her chilling cries filled every space of the hall. And she didn't even stop while giving her final speech.   That day, when the host asked for family and friends to give their last words, Im Siwan was the first to step up. It was painful to see none of his family member present.     "Thanks to Kwanghee, I got married to my wonderful wife. I hope, the next time we meet...you'd become a stronger person, Kwanghee. Rest well for now, you've worked hard and done many great things for other people. It's time to get some time for yourself." He stepped down and went back to his seat, next to Yewon ssi, patting her head.     "My name is Jung Heechul. I'm Kwanghee hyung's housemate. And...I never told this to anyone because Kwanghee hyung said I don't have to if it makes